Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

Thanks hot hope things are OK with you xx

Oh jools that sounds so stressful and sad, for all of you, you must be beside yourself. I hope your dad can be made more comfortable asap. Really hope you get some reassurance soon.

I'm sorry I disappeared a bit over the weekend. I've been struggling/crying a lot. Feeling better being at work today and have the tears under control (I think).

How are you doing hot?

Love all round xx

Any news on Dad today @MyGuideJools?
@BonApp You need to try and look after yourself, how is your Dad?
Dad's funeral is on Wednesday, we arranged his funeral 3 hours after we had our baby's scan - that was hard 😢 I'm dreading the funeral, I can't do this again. I just want him back. My daughter starts high school tomorrow and Dad would have been waiting for a photo..... I have lost both parents in the space of 11 weeks, I'm heartbroken. X

jools I hope things have improved. I feel dreadful for being absent over the weekend when you were struggling...

hot you've been through so much in such a short space of time and sounds like you've got a lot on.... my heart goes out to you.

Well, we are back in hospital. Dad has pneumonia and isn't expected to last the night we've been here since 10 this morning and he's deteriorated so much. All monitoring is now off, just drugs to settle him. I don't know why I'm on mums net, I'm sat here with my mum holding his hand. You wouldn't let an animal suffer like this. He's in a ward with 3 other men who are all snoring away, it's mental!
hot bon

I'm so sorry MyGuideJools I'm glad you're able to be with him and your mum in his final moments.

Thank you x

Oh no jools I'm so so sorry to see this. I really hope you, your dad and your mum are all ok somehow and you get some privacy and peace in some form. Sending masses of virtual hugs for this heartbreaking time

Oh sweetheart
There's nothing anyone can say, just look after yourself, and keep talking, it helps xxx
Thinking of you and sending love xxx

Thanks guys. Dad's still hanging on. We've been sat beside him all night. I started a thread in chat as I didn't want to take over Bons thread xx

I'm sure @BonApp won't mind, I know what you are going through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Please keep talking if you feel like it, is Dad settled? X

No no of course I don't mind and it's comforting (though sad) to have others in the same situation. Stay here as much as you need. I'll find your other post too.

jools

@MyGuideJools &@BonApp How are you both doing? Been thinking about you xx

hotpink I'm struggling to be honest. These last couple of days I've felt angry, everyone is annoying me and I'm worryingly about mum all the time, trying to make sure she's ok. Trying to decide what to do for dinner today is so hard! I feel so pathetic

More to the point hot how are you doing? !⚘

I'm ok thanks hot. Enjoying a bit of normality in between appointments and looking forward to dad visiting out here soon.

How are you doing? I hope you're ok and finding some joy in your pregnancy...

jools sorry to hear you're finding things tough. I imagine it's hard to stay tolerant/patient with people. With regards to worrying about your mum, I am trying to prepare for 'that bit' by thinking of the fact that whilst it's not a day to day thought, I guess I am conscious that DH are unlikely to die together so there is likely to be some time when one of us is here and the other is gone. And I try to imagine how I would feel about that and kind of conclude that it would be very individual and personal and I would just do whatever I needed to do and that people worrying about me would kind of make no difference to the situation, to my own feelings or to what I needed to do. I don't know if that makes any sense at all but I guess I'm saying that of course it's natural for you to worry about your mum but that she will be on her own journey with all this and will know you care irrespective of whether you're worrying. So don't let the worry consume you. Easier said than done though I'm sure.......

Hope you had/have a good dinner. I miss Heinz baked beans and cheddar so beans and cheese on toast would get my vote.

Take it easy

It's a horrible time @MyGuideJools 
Dad's funeral was on Wednesday, I was dreading it, as I had no one to be strong for (last time I tried for Dad) so I just cried most of the way through it. People keep sending me sympathy cards, but like you @MyGuideJools I just feel so angry. It's so unfair.
@BonApp I'm 23 weeks pregnant now, not really bonding with baby as I'm too scared to get attached in case something happens to her 😔I'm back at work, andfinding it's taking my mind off it, but mentally I'm in pieces and just coping for everyone else.
Hope you manage to see your Dad soon xx

hot I feel for you. I don't blame you for crying all through the funeral, I'm dreading it. First thing in the morning is my worst time, it just hits me that dad should still have been here for another 20 years! People being kind just annoys me

Bon I understand what you mean about mum. I'm sure she will be OK but she's just so sad at the mo and I hate the thought of her alone in the house.
Went out for dinner in the end which was nice.
I've just sorted out dad's hospital bag

It is annoying, people keep touching and hugging me, my MIL keeps sending me grief quotes!! 😡😡 I keep seeing elderly couples and feeling angry that it's not my parents. It's so so hard. Just look after yourself xx

hot xx

hot i hope you can get passed feeling worried about the baby. That must be extra stress for you. I'm glad work gives you a focus. Funerals are so hard. Grief quotes not what you need.... I know what you mean about seeing elderly couples.

jools your poor Mum. My friends are all being kind and I feel frustrated because it doesn't help or change anything. Then I feel bad as I know they know that too.

It all just sucks so so much.

I'd been feeling really quite ok and now I feel really bad for plodding on as normal. I spoke to my dad tonight and it hit home how this is with him for every single minute and there I am prattling along with work and the kids and watching Netflix stuff that really doesn't matter and he's there doing paperwork and sorting things "in preparation".

It's not like I forgot but I think it's just hit me again that this is fucking real. And I want it to go away again.

Don't feel bad, your dad wouldn't want you to xxx it's so cruel, unfair. Will you get to see your dad @BonApp? Can you visit? X

Going to send you a private message op x