Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

Sorry to hear this bon

Dad has been referred to the local hospice for symptom management. Should just be a temporary stay.

We are all hoping he gets a place ASAP. My stepmum is feeling overwhelmed and they both need more specialist support now. He’s gone really downhill since this bloody procedure in the week.

Will there be a time limit to his stay in the hospice?? Although it’s supposedky a short-term stay, I guess there’s every possibility he won’t come out. But I don’t know how it works as surely they can’t haebhik just stay? But then I don’t know whether moving him back and forth will do him any good either.....

Not long til my next trip back.

so sorry things have come to this bonapp but it must be tough on your sternum.
I found it tough helping mum look after dad, it's just so draining day in, day out. I don't regret it for a minute but I won't pretend it was easy, physically or mentally.
I don't know the 'rules' about the hospice but I'm sure once he has a place he can stay there indefinitely?
My thoughts are with you🌷

It’s really tough on my stepmum now and my brother too. Really really hoping that hospice has a bed for dad ASAP. In my brother’s words, dad “has gone from someone who was ill, to someone who’s dying”.

I feel useless here and totally random/inappropriate/selfish that I’m just carrying on as usual with the kids etc when all that is going on back home.

DH has got the flu now. I can’t muster up any sympathy, despite knowing how shitty he feels.

Dad has been in the hospice for the last 11 days. I cannot sing their praises highly enough. They’ve looked after him but also us. Having that professional help has honestly been a godsend.

The cordotomy knocked him sideways and he rally suffered. Slowly over the past week or so he’s been regaining his strength and appetite and he’s gradually feeling the benefits of the procedure. Just a shame that it set him right back first. He’s on less drugs now too so is way more with it.

If anyone reading this has ever been anxious or worried about hospice care, please don’t be. It has really helped dad more than I ever could have expected. The support is spot on in every way. It’s jade an unbearable situation a bit more bearable and given dad, and us, a little bit of light in what was a very dark time.

We know things will go downhill again at some point but knowing the hospice will provide support is so very reassuring for all of us.

I'm so glad to hear he's picking up now xxx

Bonapp I have to confess I read everything and didn't know what to say to you. I just cried. It's awful, your poor dad. I could relate to how you feel when I read about crawling under the covers. I remember trying to stay strong when I felt like I was knelt in a corner being hit by logs repeatedly. I didn't want you to think I didn't check in - I do often, but just can't find the words because I know how difficult it is. Sending love, and hoping your Dad's pain level improves x

Thank you. I’m sorry for this is upsetting for anyone reading. Dad should get home today.

hot don’t worry, it’s bloody tough, and you have had a very very hard run of it.

BonApp I'm glad your dad is going home, that must be a small clink of light in the darkness of all the pain and upset.
You know I'm always around for a chat
Hotpink hope things arnt too bad for you, hope that lovely baby girl is bringing a new joy of her own.

@MyGuideJools She's keeping me busy! Glad your dad will be home soon @BonApp, my auntie went into a hospice for a week to get things under control, the family said how helpful and nice it was there, glad you've found that too xx

Hi bonapp I was thinking about you today. A colleagues father has just been diagnosed with the same awful disease
How is your dad doing?

Oh no, sorry to hear that jools, it seems mesothelioma will peak in the coming years. I saw something the other day about a child having it. A child. It made me feel sick.

Dad had a good start to the week but is now in pain again. The palliative care team seem to be supporting a bit more now so hopefully they’ll get on top of it.

I had got carried away with the sunshine this week (we’ve got good weather like in the uk) and felt all summery and happy, seeing as dad had been sleeping well and not in so much pain, then my stepmum updated me saying he was in bad pain again and couldn’t shake it... so the fact that he’s really really ill and this is only going to go one way came crashing back down on me. And of course I feel guilty for switching off a bit from it all and thinking things were “ok”. When they’re not. It’s a living hell.

oh bonapp it's bloody tough isn't it. I was thinking back to when dad used to really want to go out but didn't have the breath or energy to do anything. All he wanted was a nice meal but couldn't enjoy anything
He should be out in his garden now but alas that's not to be.....
sorry I'm rambling. I hope your dads pain can be sorted once again and that he can enjoy some sunshine
i know how you feel about the constant worrying, but try and give yourself abit of 'me' time xx

Yep, dad’s quality of life is minimal now. He has enough strength and energy to get to the toilet and up/down stairs once a day. And his pain is inconsistent so difficult to manage.

He did well to fight off a lung/chest infection a week or so ago but he’s lost so much muscle it’s unbelievable. His skin is actually hanging off him in places. He was a bit overweight but not massively, but now he weighs less than me.

It is utterly heartbreaking.

Me time is tricky. Work is so busy (which I enjoy and it’s a good distraction) and coming up to a stressful part of a big project, but doesn’t leave me with much free time. I feel bad enough as it is leaving my husband and the kids to fly back to the uk regularly. But I must admit I’m starting to feel the strain a bit.

I had a heated debate with a colleague earlier and it left me way crosser than I should’ve been.

I need to find time to exercise, that will help. Early mornings are my only opportunity really, so going to bed early is also key. Easier said than done though!

Anyway I’m rambling now.

I reckon your dad is somewhere sunny, sending love down to you in the sunrays....

I do hope dad is sitting in the sun somewhere watching us struggle with the garden🙄 I miss his gardening advice!
Of course you are feeling the strain, it must be doubly hard being in a different country! There are no answers, it's a cruel cruel disease. I can picture my dad sat in hospital, his skin hanging off his chest and arms. it's heartbreaking 😢

That's one of the worst things I remember... his weight loss ☹️

It’s been a tough week. Dad might be going back into the hospice, which is a good thing as we know how wonderful they are in there and my stepmum needs a break.

How my dad has the ability to get up every morning is totally beyond me. He must surely just want this to be over now. Maybe I underestimate the desire to live but my god his quality of life is all but gone. How do you keep going knowing you’ll feel worse every day??

I really don't know, I'm sorry to hear this @BonApp it's so so unfair isn't it. Are you able to be home? X

I’ll be there this weekend. Really want to get back but I also know dads deteriorated since I was last back so a bit anxious about how things will be. Plus already dreading saying goodbye. I just feel like I’m abandoning them. Yet I feel pretty absent for my kids and husband too.

How are you hot?

aww bon it's torture isn't it? I remember thinking the same about my dad. how does he keep going?! he used to have a shave, lie down for half an hour then have a shower and go downstairs and sleep for the day. There are no words. You will of course be anxious about seeing him but I bet you will look back and be glad of all the time you spent with him. You are in my thoughts
hotpink I hope things are ok with you

After a couple of good days at the weekend, dad has gone downhill the last couple of days. He can’t manage the stairs anymore so a hospital bed is coming tomorrow. How do you face the fact that you won’t go upstairs in your house anymore?

I feel weird. Like kind of calm in that enough is enough I don’t want him to suffer anymore so if the end is near that is ok. But then it feels so wrong to think that as there’s only one way out of this. And then the adrenaline kicks in and I feel queasy. It’s like I feel ready for him to go turn tralodebthe enormity and finality of what that means and then feel guilty and ashamed.

I feel for bad for not being there now but don’t feel I can just leave things here, especially if I don’t know how long for. We’ll all be there next week though. Dad has said he thinks it will be the last time he will see the children. I’ve said to DH that I wonder if he’ll start to let go after that.

oh god bon it's heartbreaking. It's totally ok to feel how you're feeling. im ashamed to say I felt relief when dad passed. Relief that he was no longer suffering and relief that me and my mum didn't have to worry about him all the time. Of course then I felt awfully guilty and I went round in a circle of guilt and relief for quite a while. Im getting emotional remembering the feeling.
I can't imagine how it must feel to know you won't go upstairs again or see the grandchildren again, our dads are so brave to face that. He knows he's loved, that will mean the world to him. ♥️⚘

Thinking of you Bon 💕

jools I think the relief and guilt circle sums it up well.

I got a call today to say dad is now sleeping a lot so I should consider flying back earlier than planned (later this week). My stepmum has been worrying about when she should tell me it’s time to go back and that she’s never forgive herself if she told me too late.

My instincts tell me he’s not in his final days just yet, but I will feel better if I’m there so I’m going tonight...on the other hand, if he’s deteriorating quickly, I hope for his sake that it all happens soon This is just cruel now.

bon♥️ I think you will feel better if you are with him. You are in my thoughts.