Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

I’m at dads. He’s ok. He’s changed meds again so adjusting to that. I think he’s slowing down a bit, needs rest, looks tired, but his appetite is still good and aside from a bad day emotionally the other day he’s in good spirits.

I’m finding this trip home really hard. I feel on the verge of tears the whole time and I’m so tired. Still we are pleased to be here and enjoying hanging out with dad and catching up with people.

My thoughts go out to those of you struggling at this time of year. I hope love gets you through it. I wish there was more I could say but I know it doesn’t really do much to help but I am thinking of you lots.

So good to hear from you Bonapp i was thinking about you today. I'm glad your Dad is in good spirits and it's good he has an appetite. Try not to think of what's to come and enjoy 'the now'
I was a bit teary this Morning, thinking about this time last year and how well dad looked and how we didn't have a clue what was in store.
Mum is being so strong, we all had a meal together today which was nice. I Know dad would want us to enjoy ourselves tomorrow so we will do our best and know he is with us in spirit.
Love to all who are sad at this time⚘⚘
Hope you are ok hotpinkangel

Hi @BonApp and @MyGuideJools Came on here because I was thinking of you both today. Have a lovely day both of you, I know it's difficult, @BonApp make the most of every minute xxx
@MyGuideJools Glad your Mum is coping. Look after yourself. X

Big big love to both of you, and anyone else who’s posted and supported or heees supporting.

@hotpinkangel I hope that bump is treating you well.

Bump is 38 +2 so due any day now! Hoping I think for her to come in 2018, new year. Xx

Not long @hotpinkangel19! I hope your new little one brings you much joy and helps with some of the hurt.

Dad has been in a bit of pain at night and not sleeping well because of it. But he’s reluctant to take his night meds as they seem to make him really dopey in the mornings, which he hates, literally takes him a few hours to properly wake up.

He has an mri tomorrow on his spine as the cancer has spread there and obviously that could cause problems. They’ve said they can do radiotherapy on that if it comes to it though. He’s also lost his grip whilst holding things a few times and seems to get muddled in what he’s saying on the odd occasion. It’s like he’s saying one thing and thinking of another and the two get jumbled. I don’t know if that’s just him, the cancer or the drugs. But either way it’s all been a stark reminder that it’s only going to get worse and not better. I think he’s all too aware of this too

hotpink I hope your new bundle starts off 2018 in a lovely positive way.

Bonapp It's scary stuff watching them go downhill. I bet the drugs make your Dad feel worse. It sounds like the Drs are on top of things with regards to radiotherapy etc. Which is reassuring.
My heart goes out to you⚘

Dad is having an injection to help block the nerve pain today which will hopefully bring some much needed relief. About time really as he’s had this now since late July

He had a full mri last week and I think will get the results on Monday when he sees the oncologist. I will go with him to a couple of the upcoming appointments, tbh I’m dreading sitting there in tears which won’t be helpful in the slightest.

He did say the other day that he feels the bad days are now outweighing the good. But I think he only thinks that on the bad days iyswim. He’s been pretty good the last couple of days so I think the new meds have settled down a bit.

I found NYE incredibly hard. This year will be hard. And am also struggling to buy my dad a birthday card for his 70th next week, knowing it will be the last. And I’m worried that when we leave here to go back to our expat country, it will be the last time the kids (or me) see him .

Oh Bonapp It's heartwrenching. I know it's hard but try not to look too far ahead, who knows what this year will bring?
Last new year's eve my dad had no idea how ill he was, or even that he was ill and he was the life and soul of the party.
I don't know what words can reassure you I'm afraid. Take each day as it comes and I hope the MRI brings some good news, and your Dad gets his pain under control.
⚘⚘

Thanks as ever Jools you always say the right thing. Just that the new year is full of plans and stuff going on and looking forward, so it's hard to not think too far ahead. And I'm so so conscious that we are on the wrong side of it all now. I hope your dad had a rave up wherever he may be now

Just back from an appointment with dad, the pain consultant was lovely. She was very warm and kind but honest. She had a quick look at dad's mri results, and can see that there is a top vertebrae that is pretty much all cancer. She said they might be able to do radiotherapy on that but overall didn't seem to be overly worried about it. But it corresponds to where dad is feeling more and new pain. Appointment with Oncologist on Monday.

There have been some issues with dad's compensation claim. His old employer have admitted liability but are saying the biopsy results aren't conclusive enough . The pain consultant today said there is no doubt that it is mesothelioma and that the biopsy shows that, a top consultant at the Royal Brompton confirmed it, and that its behaving like mesothelioma, so no shadow of a doubt... She said she's seen this before where they like to play games and use delaying tactics so that they can wait until the post mortem before paying up . If they'd sat in that room with us hearing my dear old dad talking about how he felt and seeing my and my stepmum cry I'm sure whoever has decided to play those games would feel slightly differently. And they've admitted liability anyway - how shoddy to try and delay things! I really hope this gets resolved before dad dies - just so he can feel a tiny bit of justice really.

So sorry to hear what you are going through. My mum has just had a radical hysterectomy for ovarian cancer. We are at the start of things and I also live abroad. I am going back on Friday and I honestly don't know how I will make myself get on the plane.
We are waiting to hear about chemo.
I know exactly what you mean about new year being really hard. My sister and I cried together. Her husband died in the summer so it was doubly emotional.
I don't know any comforting words but I just wanted to offer a handhold and to let you know that you are not alone in being far away. It's so hard.

Thank you flock. Enjoy the time with your Mum when you get back on home turf. Do you have far to go? My saving grace is that it’s a v short flight for me.

Your poor sister, she must be in bits.

Take it easy

It's a two hour flight. I arrived on boxing day and flying back to my hubby and kids tomorrow. I am going out with some friends tonight and they are on a mission to try and cheer me up so am looking forward to that. Sending love xXx ❤️

2 hours is do-able... It's hard juggling family and living abroad, but I feel like it does give me some respite too (which I feel horrendously selfish and guilty about). We are all currently back in the UK now and I find it hard to juggle working remotely, dad, DH/kids, friends, my mum, etc etc. I find it a bit easier when I come back to the UK alone as there's less to juggle.

Enjoy your time with your friends tonight. I'm struggling to hang out with mine - I feel wobbly when I'm with them for some reason. But trying to remember that a) they care and b) hiding away isn't necessarily a good thing.

I had a good cry with my brother today. He's struggling a bit as him and SIL are living out of bags at various houses. Dad and stepmum need their own space and we take up the spare rooms/beds when we are back. It's pretty tough on them having uprooted their lives from Australia to move back. They are both pretty laidback which helps, but still not easy for them.

None of it's bloody easy.

Looking back, I see how tough it was for my brother. He lives a
4 hour drive away from me and mum. He saw dad in July, then 2 weeks before he died, then by some miracle he made it to dads side 2 hours before he died in September.
But I find that now I am checking up on mum every day, whereas bro has visited twice since dad died, and only phones mum once a week

Men are funny buggers jools and maybe he finds it easier to detach because of the distance. Not saying that's right or wrong, but I know I can switch off from things a bit when I'm not here.

My brother is rubbish at keeping in touch generally. As is DH with his parents. In some ways I envy them both for being able to just go about their own lives without feeling the need to keep everyone happy (as I do!).

I think you're right Bonapp if he's that far away he doesn't have things in his face,so to speak, so can forget about them for a while. I've always been the one who took Dad to hospital and visited every day, I felt I needed to and couldn't settle until id seen him. And i promised dad i would look after Mum, so I visit her every day
I guess we are all different in how we cope. Just need to do what is right for us at the time. It's not easy tho.

Well, got home last night late but hardly slept so have ended up getting up on my own in the wee small hours.
I did have a nice time with my friends, we had a little cry together the three of us as one is splitting up with his wife and there was me with my troubles. It was like a really shit game of top trumps.
Honestly I think that I had a niggling feeling that I wasn't happy here before all this happened but I could distract myself with the kids and keep busy.
I am not sleeping and thinking too much. I want to be near people I care about, not miles away where I have superficial friends and acuaintances.
I wish I could sleep.
Hugs and love to you all ladies xXx ❤️

@flockoftreegulls it’s very hard being away. When are you next due back to the uk? I find I need to know when my ne t trip is and focus on that.

Being an expat is hard too. What took you to your current location and how long have you been there? We moved for my work (which is closely related to expats) and had only been away 6-7 months when this stuff with dad kicked off.

We have been away from the UK for 9 months. My bil died 2 months after we left and it's just carried on with bad news since. Two other family deaths and now mum has cancer. I am waiting to hear when chemo will be before I book the next flights.
The reason we moved is I guess because DH wanted to and at the time it didn't seem like a bad idea. I was taking voluntary redundancy and the timing seemed good. My DH is not British, he speaks the language of where we are but it's not his home country. I don't have a job which is hard and I don't speak the language well enough. I think I was a bit naive tbh. I thought I would have time to study and stuff. Now I don't think I even care anymore. I just don't want to be here. Tbh it's OK here but I don't have any real friends and I just hate being far away from everyone.

@flockoftreegulls, it's really hard living abroad, and IME it takes about 2 years to settle, so it's very early days for you. How old are your children and how are they and your DH settling in? How is your mum doing and has she got her next lot of chemo booked in yet?

Dad is ok, though seems to be needing more sleep (ie getting up later and going to be bed a bit earlier). The pain is up and down. He can go to a local hospice for different drugs, but I don't think he's ready for that. It would just be overnight or for a couple of days but I think it's a big step and he so badly wants to just carry on as normally as possible.

We are whizzing through the "milestones" (xmas, NY, dad's birthday) and now there aren't any as such - just the big expanse of 2018 ahead of us. Work requires me to think about things months in advance and I just want to block all that out and think about the next few days at a time really.

Love to all who need it.

good to hear from you BonApp It's daunting looking at the year ahead of us. I've got all the milestone to come, dads birthday, father's day, mum and dad's wedding anniversary, my birthday, it's gonna be tough.
these last few days I've been really down, missing dad so much, i just want him to knock on the front door and for us to go shopping.
Sorry to put a downer on things, love to all feeling the same⚘

jools yes indeed, those key dates will be very tough I’m sure. Everyone says “it gets easier” so I guess you have to cling on to that, somehow.

I still can’t get my head round the fact that death is part of life, that so many people have lost loved ones and just manage to plod on. Actually I remember thinking the same when I had my first baby. That the whole thing was a miracle and I was stunned at how normalized it all was. So I guess it’s the other end of that cycle to that.....

I know what you mean BonApp I've known loads of people, close friends even, who have lost a parent and I think oh that's sad for them but just part of life i guess.
now I know how bloody heart breaking and life changing it is. How can my wonderful dad just stop existing?! i find it really hard some days. Yes I'm sure time does heal but I won't ever be the same person, but so many people must feel this way it baffles me!

Dad is drowsy a lot of the time. His pain consultant said the cancer would be making him tired and I guess it’s the drugs too. He almost fell asleep mid-Skype . He has been busy sorting and tidying (he’s desp to get a few bit sorted so he doesn’t leave behind a muddle) but he’s definitely not able to do more.

So so hard knowing that this isn’t just a passing phase and that he’s not going to improve.