Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

Just wanted to let you know that my baby was born on Monday morning, 8lbs 9oz, we called her Poppy Rose. Thank you for all of your support x

@BonApp My Dad was so tired too, just worn out. It's heartbreaking, I really feel for you x

Oh hot that’s lovely news and what a pretty name. How are you doing? Hope you had a good birth and little Poppy is settling in well. Lots of love to you. I’m sure this must be a hard time for you but I do hope there is some joy too

hotpink that's lovely news and a lovely name. And of course very bittersweet for you but your parents will live on through your little girl.

Bonapp sorry to hear things arnt so good. my dad used to get so frustrated that he couldn't do more.my heart goes out to you xx

Congratulations, Hotpinkangel, a great happiness in a very trying time.

Just checking in.

Dad is still ok. Very dopey a lot of the time and still in pain. He's not quite mentally ready for hospice care yet but it has been mentioned for other drugs. I feel like we've lost a bit of him already tbh. He struggles to keep up with conversations and generally struggles to stay awake if he sits down. He can still potter about the house, its just when he stops, he really stops.

I'm still back and forth between here and home every few weeks. It's hard, but manageable. Work is mental which is a good distraction, but then I feel guilty for not thinking about dad or having time to speak to them a lot.

We are approaching the 6mth mark - which is the prognosis for this version of horrible disease. Time feels like it's running away from us all. Dad is determined to get certain jobs done before he goes.

Other family members are doing ok. I think we've all accepted things for the most part. Though its a weird mix of the whole thing being totally surreal, and then realizing that he's already so far from his former self and that things have changed permanently already. Someone told me they think I'm grieving already and have been some time, I have no idea. I keep thinking that he just won't be there soon, just like "pooof!" - gone, and the thought of his absence is heartbreaking. And then there's the age-old conflicting feelings of not wanting him to suffer but not wanting him to go. I don't want this to drag out but there is only one direction all this is going in so I don't want to rush it either. It's always bloody there, hanging above us, yet so easy to forget that things are only going to get worse, and never better.................

Hope anyone else reading this in a similar situation is holding up ok.

Hi BonApp I so get what you are feeling. Looking back, I was mourning dad before he left us. I remember walking round Tesco with tears in my eyes looking at his favourite foods he could no longer eat, then going to see him pretending all was well.
I was in a constant state of knowing he could suddenly go. I started to take 'Kalms' as I couldn't sleep at night.
I've now had to change my mobile ringtone as that tune strikes terror in me now as I felt so scared every time it rang.
Dad was also sleepy at the end. mum and i would go to the shop and come back to dad sleeping. Like you say, every time he sat down he fell asleep. He so wanted to come shopping but just didn't have the energy. Even walking to the bathroom was a trial.
It's a sad and horrible situation and my heart goes out to you. Don't feel guilty about anything, you are doing everything you can ⚘⚘
I'm still finding weekends tough, I think mum finds them hard.Dad would always be out and about keeping busy and I just miss his zest for life

Hi Jools, thank you for understanding. It makes a big difference to "chat" to people who have been through similar. I find myself getting cross with suggestions or advice from friends or other people. I know they are just trying to help in what is essentially a helpless situation, but I find only those who have unfortunately been through this horror say the "right" things.

I really feel for you and your mum, the triggers for remembering your dad must sneak up everywhere and I can well imagine how the weekends must be hard. I keep thinking about how quiet things will be in my dad and stepmum's house, and how very still it'll be for her once we all go back to our respective countries. She is quite busy with friends and volunteering etc but my dad is such a big part of her life, it's going to be so different when he's gone... totally dreading it.

God it feels like he's signed up for some random holiday or something that none of want him to go on. I hate that it'll be so permanent.

Love to you Jools. Take it easy...

@BonApp I was wondering how you were doing, I remember my Dad feeling really tired. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, it's so unfair. Dad never had hospice care, he went into a nursing home but my Auntie did, just for days/a week and came out feeling a lot better. Please keep talking if you feel you need to, someone is always here to listen xx
@MyGuideJools I know how you feel regarding the ringtone, when Dad was ill, and Mum too, I used to dread my mobile ringing, my heart used to sink and I'd feel sick.

Been following your thread Bon App sending you and your Dad lots of love

Is it awful to find this all so dreadfully depressing and intense? My dad’s life has been reduced to being about meds, tiredness, preparing the house/his affairs, appointments, how he feels, what he can/can’t do. It’s become a way of life and it’s so bloody bleak. My stepmum looks exhausted and it’s obviously (and expectedly) taken over her life too. I’m missing out on stuff with the kids flitting back and forth. My brother is in limbo. God it all just sucks.

No huge change in dad though he’s not happy with his meds and he doesn’t want to increase them for fear of being even more drowsy/sleepy. There’s a special procedure available in Portsmouth which he wants to try. Long journey and small risks involved but he’s fed up with trying different drug combos/dosages. Another option is methadone apparently but this requires a week in a hospice and I don’t think he’s quite ready for that.

So his choices are a bit shit and if I’m honest I think he’s looking for a magical pain-free solution which won’t maje him sleepy.... which I don’t think exists.

We still laugh together and chat about normal/other stuff and to an extent carry on as normal, but it’s all-consuming.

oh Bonapp I've been thinking about you. I remember the bleak, helpless feeling. I remember necking Kalms tablets by the handful as I used to get so anxious with it all
it's heart breaking watching your dad suffer like that, it truly does rip the family to shreds and is shit
I recently discovered a work colleagues father is in hospital with the same thing. He's in the same hospital as my dad was and is following the same pattern, lost loads of weight, not eating, tired and now has an infection. He had started palliative chemo but that's stopped now. It breaks my heart watching her go through this, she looks so drained.
stay strong

Thavks jools.

I have previously felt anxious and helpless but now I just feel it’s so depressing.

Sorting out his affairs is complicated, the compensation claim is dragging, he’s half asleep the whole time and my stepmum is so on edge.

I don’t know how long we have left. The prognosis of 6 months was 6 months ago now. But dad can still potter about most days, but his ability to join in and do what he wants to do is somewhat fading.

Sorry jools also meant to say it must be difficult for you to watch your friend go through the same. Hugs to you and her.

Bonapp sorry you're feeling depressed. it is depressing, the hopelessness of it all. Harder for you too, bei g in a different country.

Dad used to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. We would turn to talk to him and he would be sound asleep. And he would wake up in a panic bless him.
I hope the compensation gets sorted soon. After seeing 2 different solicitors it would seem we won't get compensation as we can't prove when exactly dad worked with asbestos. They expect us to find one of his work mates from 50+ years ago to verify which is nye on impossible!
We have the coroner's and PM report but that's not good enough.
I wish we'd had more time to sort it when dad was alive as it would have been straightforward. it's not just about the money, but definitely would have helped mum, it's fighting for dad like he would have wanted. But I think we have to give up now.
sorry I'm rambling.........
to you xx

Oh jools that’s really tough te your dads claim

With my dad they are dragging their heels and disputing the biopsy results FFS. The docs are clear there is no way this is not mesothelioma and in the solictor’s experience, the other side often tries delaying tactics until after the post mortem. So the solicitors have advised dad takes them to court, which is all well and good in theory, but a royal pain in the arse for dad in practice. The solicitor said quite often they then agree a settlement hours before court starts. What bastards, honestly. Who can live with themselves coming up with that as a corporate strategy.

That's awful make sure they know exactly where your dad worked and get your dad to write exactly what his job entailed and sign it!
We have the post mortem and inquest report which states it was definitely mesothelioma and there's only one place that dad worked with asbestos (for 20+ years) and that's still not proof enough it's so stressful.

Huge hugs bonapp

We had a family lunch and I think dad really struggled. He looked sad and drowsy. I found it very hard to see him like that. He wore tracksuit trousers, he would never usually leave the house in them, let alone go for a meal wearing something that casual.

He’s losing the sparkle in his eyes. Usually he seems to get a lot of joy from just being around the kids and listening to their chatter, and joining in their conversation, but at times this weekend he just looked indifferent and distant. I know it’s the drugs and at times he’s a bit more with it and he can follow conversations properly and his sense of humour peeps through, but not very often.

I can’t believe it’s only going to get worse.

So very sorry you are going though this. It is utterly heart breaking. Just keep being there for your dad and cherish every moment. I lost my lovely mum back in October to lung cancer. I lived 300 miles away and ended up giving up work just to be with her as much as possible as also had 4 children to care for. It is utterly draining and emotional but you will be ok. I found the last weeks hard but also so rewarding just to sit and talk, even when she was confused. She went peacefully with me lying beside her holding her hand. Your love for your dad shines through and he will feel this. Hugs to you all who have been through this.

Bonapp😔 it's heart breaking. I have no words to help, I know how you feel and know what you are going through and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
It's clear that you and your dad love each other very much and that speaks volumes. He knows this and it will bring him comfort.
The worst thing for my dad was the thought of leaving my mum behind.
now, almost 6 months on, mum is so brave. she's obviously heartbroken, as am i, but she gets out of the house most days visiting friends etc
You will cope, but this part of the journey is the toughest⚘⚘

jools your words always help, thank you. Your dad’s passing seems so recent, but it’s good to hear you’re all muddling through somehow.

I had a big cry to DH tonight. I feel somehow angry and frustrated with dad in a “how could he be letting this happen” kind of way, which makes absolutely no sense at all. And of course none of this is dad’s fault, no way. And then I feel guilty and disloyal and unfair - how dare I feel like that when my poor old dad would do anything for this to not be happening. So irrational and so confusing. I guess this is some form of grief already.

ang so sorry you’ve been through similar. It really hurts eh? Sounds like your love gave your mum a lot of comfort, how lucky you both are to have had that love, I hope it carries you through the sadness

Bonapp I can hardly believe it's 6 months, feels like yesterday and yet it seems so long ago since i saw him. I can still hear his voice if I close my eyes. I guess its something we never get over. muddling through just about sums us up!
Don't feel guilty about having a good old cry, it's better than bottling it up.

Agree with @MyGuideJools cry if you need to. Just came on to check how you were all doing, it's completely normal @BonApp, it's almost like you start to grieve before the person has even gone if that makes sense? I really feel for you.