Moving into the Hospice

[Knittingnovice]

Some of you may know me, most of you won't of heard of me but today at 34 years old I am moving into the local Hospice as I know my life is coming to the end.
I was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2011 and fought it with surgery and chemotherapy and was lucky enough after being the all clear to fall pregnant with a third child.
Unfortunately in October 2013 I found out that the cancer had returned as secondary bowel cancer in the form of peritoneal disease and liver metastases.
Since October I have undergone 2 more gruelling cycles of chemotherapy and numerous hospital admissions and my tumour is not shrinking and not reacting the the chemotherapy at all.
Everything reached a climax following the bank holiday at the end of May and after two days with the children at Legoland I was back in A&E with uncontrollable pain and vomitting.
Since then my health has spiralled downhill and last week after my discharge from hospital I took the selfish/selfless decision that i do not want to die at home and need to leave lots of happy memories for my children in the home and create new memories for them in the hospice.
I blog about my journey and decisions here

i'm not sure why i am posting this here, but i suppose i want to raise more awareness of bowel cancer and if this post prompts someone to go and get their poo checked out by the GP it will all be worthwhile for me.

[BackforGood]

Please don't waste your time and energy getting worked up about this - you have so much to be dealing with. She can't help the way she is and nothing you can say or do will change her, so focus on ensuring your dc have all the wonderful memories they can. I hope the Hospice brings you the peace you need - I know it will give you the support, medical care and dignity. They are such wonderful, positive places.

[MooncupGoddess]

Hi Knitting,

Some people are utterly inadequate in the face of death/terminal illness. They just shut down. (I'm reminded of my mother's cousin, as close as a brother when they were growing up, who ditched her when she became incurably ill.)

It's inexcusable. But it shouldn't be your problem... you have enough to deal with already. Can your DH speak to her?

Hope you have another good night's sleep.

[SolidGoldBrass]

You don't know me but I just wanted to extend a friendly hand and sympathise with you over your situation and your silly cow of a MIL. It's understandable that you are angry with her - she is being thoroughly selfish. Could your H talk to her and tell her to get a grip?

[minmooch]

I am thinking of you and you family Knitting. I hope today has been peaceful. Xxx

[ljny]

Another stranger who is so impressed by you and so very, very sorry.

You and your family are in our thoughts. So glad for your wonderful mum.

Please don't waste your precious time and energy on that useless cow of a MIL.

[weebarra]

Morning knitting, lovely sunny day here and I hope it is with you too.

[Jenijena]

Hello knitting.

Your mil is a peculiar one. I don't know all the ins and outs, but DH's cousin died from cancer a few years ago, leaving a 3 yr old son. Her MIL too was an odd one. Behaved, er, interestingly at the funeral. Has a 'professional ' job which would indicate empathy but exuded practicality rather than feeling...

Sun is shining through here this morning. Hope it is for you too.

[Knittingnovice]

That's it MIL in past looking to future now, whoosh she's gone. Beautiful hanging basket with purple fuchsias out of my window this morning!!!!

[Knittingnovice]

Here are some of those flowers

[PacificDogwood]

Glad to see the sun is shining where you are too, Knitting

[minmooch]

Morning Knitting. I hope the sun shines all day for you. Do you have anyone staying with you during the nights? I hope you have a day full of laughter with your children xxxxxx

[PiggyPlumPie]

As usual I am lost for words...

Sending you love and peace Knitting

[SecretWitch]

Just wanted to say Good morning from the US. You are in my thoughts today..xx

[wordsmithsforever]

Love the purple fuchsias - sending over some African gaura and heliotropes for you

[thenightisyoung]

Hi knitting, I remember you from the Tamoxi thread (though I didn't post very often). Such rubbish news and I am so sorry you have found yourself where you are but I am really pleased that the hospice is nice and that you have settled in.

I am shocked at your MIL's attitude, but try not to waste emotional energy on someone who clearly isn't willing to give any to you!

I really admire how strong you are for the sake of others but please don't feel bad if you can't keep it up all the time.

I will be thinking of you.

[CiderwithBuda]

Hi - hope your day was peaceful.

Not sure if you are interested in Taunton news (I live in Taunton and noticed from your blog that you mention it) - but the whole of East Street was brought to a standstill today as the fire brigade rescued a sea gull from the top of Marks and Spencer's! Traffic only just recovered from Rod Stewart yesterday! And a fortune has been spent at the railway bridge to deal with the pigeons and they bring the centre of town to a standstill for one seagull!

[mrsbrownsgirls]

your mil is making this all about her. but it's about you and your children.. and your husband x

[Stripeyhenry]

I've just read your blog and am in awe.

FWIW my mum wanted to stay at home for her final days and we were able to grant her wish, but I feel that the house is now tainted by bad memories. So I think you have made a good and very brave decision.

I wish you peace, love and happiness for whatever time is left. You will live on through your lovely children.

[olympicsrock]

Hi Knitting, what a brave decision you have made. A few years ago my beautiful sister in law and best friend was in your position > she chose to move to the hospice to allow herself to put her needs (nursing and good palliative care and peace and quiet )first but also to make it easier for my brother to cope with her little boys. The hospice was a really lovely place, beautiful garden and friendly welcoming staff. It was a good decision. Our boys were 2 and 4 then but I remember a book that helped the four year old come to terms with bereavement "Badgers parting gifts". I wonder whether your little ones might like to read it?
Your MIL is being a silly bitch by the way.
My SIL used to say "Let the warmth of the sun warm your back". Hope the sun shines on yours tomorrow> xxx

[gingerroots]

knitting, I read your blog and you sound so strong and brave.my sister died recently of bowel cancer and your posts reminded me of her in that she dealt with so much and she just got on with it.i wish you and your family lots of happy memories;they mean so so much xx

[Jinglebells99]

Knittingnovice I've been so moved by your post and your blog. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You sound so brave and stoic. I'm thinking of you and your family. ((Hugs))

[wordsmithsforever]

Thinking of you today Knittingnovice and sending good energy and strength

[notapizzaeater]

Perhaps your mil is scared, but quite frankly now is the time to step up ! She's an adult, she needs to be a constant for your dcs.

[minmooch]

Thinking of you Knitting. I hope the sun shone for you today. Xxx

[spanky2]

Hi knitting, you are right. She ought to suck it up and support her family. You are not the witch. I am actually non contact with my parents and often frequent the stately homes thread so I do get it with these people who ought to count their blessings and realise how selfish they can be. Please don't waste time on her. I just cannot understand her position. I am a stranger to you and I feel I want to help in any way I can, yet she can't. Some people do run away, when they should be running to. A scout trip requires no dealing with feelings. Here is a hug from someone who can deal with negative emotion, not brilliantly as I am the product of a narcissist and her enabler! Take care.xx