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Original poster

Moving into the Hospice

234 replies

Knittingnovice · 16/06/2014 08:42

Some of you may know me, most of you won't of heard of me but today at 34 years old I am moving into the local Hospice as I know my life is coming to the end.
I was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2011 and fought it with surgery and chemotherapy and was lucky enough after being the all clear to fall pregnant with a third child.
Unfortunately in October 2013 I found out that the cancer had returned as secondary bowel cancer in the form of peritoneal disease and liver metastases.
Since October I have undergone 2 more gruelling cycles of chemotherapy and numerous hospital admissions and my tumour is not shrinking and not reacting the the chemotherapy at all.
Everything reached a climax following the bank holiday at the end of May and after two days with the children at Legoland I was back in A&E with uncontrollable pain and vomitting.
Since then my health has spiralled downhill and last week after my discharge from hospital I took the selfish/selfless decision that i do not want to die at home and need to leave lots of happy memories for my children in the home and create new memories for them in the hospice.
I blog about my journey and decisions here

i'm not sure why i am posting this here, but i suppose i want to raise more awareness of bowel cancer and if this post prompts someone to go and get their poo checked out by the GP it will all be worthwhile for me.

OP posts:
Barbie1 · 18/06/2014 04:50

I sat and read through your blog Smile

Just to let you know that I'm thinking of you and sending love and best wishes all the way from South Korea x

weegiemum · 18/06/2014 04:58

I wish you and your family, not time, but as much time as possible in your days.

Original poster
Knittingnovice · 18/06/2014 05:22

I know it's 5 o'clock in the morning but some people are so selfish I really need to rant.

My mum has moved from the west country to help look after my children with my husband for them before I die.

Earlier on when she visited with them she told me that my mother-in-law is too scared to visit me because she doesn't know what she might find.
My mother-in-law also told my mum she doesn't really want to look after the kids now because she doesn't know how to talk about death with them.
You don't need to talk about death with the kids, she needs to play with them and help create happy memories and help relieve the burden of my mum.
I need some perspective on this because I find it really hard that she doesn't want help out more with the children and relieve some of the pressure on my mum seems to be doing everything.

Am I being unreasonable, should MIL step up to the plate? Both are similar age and MIL is local too, so drives etc, whereas my mum relies on public transport which is unpredictable.

I don't need the stress of a scared, selfish woman during the last few weeks of my life surely she can see she needs to be here for the DC and her son.

Help

OP posts:
stolemyusername · 18/06/2014 05:32

I know that the MN rule is that you can't expect grandparents to help, but in your situation I think you are 100% in the right to feel angry about her behaviour.

I want to say that I'm sorry that this is happening to you, but everything I write sounds so cliched. Wishing you and your family love

UKsounding · 18/06/2014 05:35

Knitting There's nothing stranger than folk... and no stranger folk than mother-in-laws. :-) Is she just in shock? Perhaps given some time to process the situation, and a firm kick up the arse and a specific to-do list, she might get it together...

I am headed towards my bed (different time zone), but I wanted to check in with you from the Tamoxifen threads and let you know that I am thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug. (Crap cancer is shite!!!) I hope you are comfortable and don't worry too much about you MIL as there isn't much you can do about it from where you are - can you send her a note or an e-mail or something and tell her that she doesn't need to talk about death with the kids? If not, perhaps your DH or someone can...

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 05:35

Oh how utterly awful for you. Mil appears to be making this all about her. I think that your dh should probably have a strong word with her about forgetting her own rather minor issues and concentrating on the task at hand. Everyone has an enormous role to play right now and she can't just opt out.

daisydotandgertie · 18/06/2014 05:35

People react differently - and I don't think they can't help it.

When my DH was dying, my parents were fabulous. Hands on, helpful, and sacrificed everything to support us.

His parents couldn't face coming. They even couldn't get themselves there in time when he died. It was too much for them.

I viewed our lives as a colander. Lots of little holes which different people could fill in different ways. It has helped me to accept that everyone has something different to contribute and those who were useless at support while he was ill have been more helpful at different times.

Of course, some people have been, and continue to be, incredible. Some people have been, and continue to be absolutely shit. Whichever it is, I do know it is the best they can do - no-one behaves like that in such difficult times for the fun of it.

SecretWitch · 18/06/2014 05:47

Knitting, I can't begin to comment on your MIL, but I can say your mum seems wonderful! I just wanted to tell you that I am holding you and your family in my thoughts. Love and peace to you..xx

Barbie1 · 18/06/2014 06:32

Your mum is truly wonderful Smile

I know some people struggling with illness, my sister for example isn't coping with my mums recent diagnosis and keeps burying her head in the sand.

Like me sister I really hope your mil comes around to the fact this isn't about her or her own grief but about your children (who are just beautiful by the way) I really do hope that she steps up and helps in anyway she can.

Hope you manage to get some rest. 5am is far to early to be awake!

It's 2.30 in the afternoon here in Korea so I'm around if you need company x

LadyWithLapdog · 18/06/2014 06:38

Thinking of you. What an awful thing to go through. I wish you peace, strength & love for the times ahead.

weebarra · 18/06/2014 06:40

I hope your mil finds the strength to be able to help in any way she can. As you say, your DCs need playing and normality and someone to help them with homework etc. my pils are staying at the moment as I'm having daily radiotherapy an hour away and I'm so grateful that they are making life as easy as possible. You shouldn't have to be thinking about anything except your loved ones at the moment.

Lolly86 · 18/06/2014 06:41

im so sorry knitting. xxx

ancientandmodern · 18/06/2014 11:51

Knitting am so very sorry to hear of your diagnosis. Am also sorry that your MIL doesn't seem able to grasp what needs to be done.

Have you read a blog by Kate Gross, who is also your age and with advanced colon cancer? In one of her posts, she talks about having circles of support, with her partner and children and family closest, and then other relatives, old friends, work friends, colleagues etc on the outer circles. She writes that it's the job of each person to support only those closer to the centre than themselves. Might be a useful catalyst for a conversation with MIL or with your DH to discuss with her?

Kate's post is here: kateelizabethgross.wordpress.com/2014/01/15/sitting-in-the-sun-with-us/

Do hope you can enjoy your time with your children.

Original poster
Knittingnovice · 18/06/2014 16:27

i've decided to ignore MIL, if she can't cope and is going to behave like a child then that is her problem, quite frankly i have bigger fish to fry.
Again I cannot thank you all enough for your words of support and kindness.
This was such a difficult decision to make and I have so many little milestones to meet.
DS will be 6 on Tuesday so I am staying strong until then, & then he is having a pizza making birthday party which I am hoping they can give me day release to attend and spend some time with his friends & my family.

OP posts:
Questionsquestionsquestions123 · 18/06/2014 16:32

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. Thinking of you and your family. Much love xxxxxxx

JamJimJam · 18/06/2014 19:33

KnittingNovice I remember your story from other threads.

I wish you lots of strength, although you appear to have it in spades.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

PacificDogwood · 18/06/2014 19:52

Do you think your DH would be able to speak to his mother? Encourage her just to be a gran to your children and do the things grandparents do spoil them?
She sounds v frightened and immature and coping by having her head firmly stuck deep down in the sand…

I am hoping you will have the strength and be comfortable enough to enjoy your boy's birthday and party Smile - of course the hospice will be happy for you to do if you are up to it.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 18/06/2014 19:54

My DS will be 3 on Friday.

Your DS shares a birthday with my mother. I shall think of you - and him - on Tuesday. And I shall pray for him on each of his birthdays hereafter.

Your thread has moved me.

Your message is important.

And your courage is awesome.

Jakadaal · 18/06/2014 20:34

Hi Knitting re your MIL as you say you have other fish to fry.

But I was just reflecting that being a MIL is a bit of an odd role at times - she may be reluctant to over step the mark re your mum and your relationship so is keeping a distance, she maybe is very nervous of saying the wrong thing, she may just need to be given practical things to do (giving your mum a lift was the first thing that came to mind!)

Ultimately she is an adult and has to deal with choices she makes. The most important thing in all of this is you, your DH and your little ones.

I love the sound of a pizza making party and here's hoping you get the day release you are hoping for x

wordsmithsforever · 18/06/2014 21:02

Knitting, sending you so much strength and peace from here in the southern hemisphere. Hoping your DS has a lovely pizza party and that your DH is able to talk to your MIL to get her to step up as PacificDogwood suggested. Thanks

Mintyy · 18/06/2014 21:10

Dear Knitting. I am just so sorry that you have been dealt this hand in life. You must all be heartbroken and I really have no words. Except I did just want to say that my ddad's time in the hospice was extremely comfortable and happy, compared to all the gruelling treatment he had gone through in the preceding months, and I think you have made an excellent decision in the circumstances. Look forward to the pizza party! Enormous hug from Minty X.

bialystockandbloom · 18/06/2014 21:28

Dear Knitting, you don't know me at all, but I just wanted to add my voice to others, and wish you all the very, very best wishes of love and peace to you. Your children have a brave and lovely mum they can be extremely proud of x

spanky2 · 18/06/2014 22:23

I think your mil is scared. I have been thinking about you today and re-read your blog. My grand pops had bowel cancer, which he had twice. You are so brave. I hope you have a lovely birthday celebration with your son.xx

Original poster
Knittingnovice · 18/06/2014 23:15

spanky i know MIL is scared, WTF does she think i feel? she has 3 beautiful grandchildren who she is scared will ask her about death and so doesn't want to look after them now and doesn't want to come and see me as i approach the end.
My MIL is always the child, she needs to become the adult and support her son, DIL & GC not bury her head in the sand. She needs to grow some balls and start to cope.
All i can think is that because DH is an only child she has only ever had him to dote on (and she does) and she now sees me as this witch who married her son, provided her with 3 GC and now is fucking off and leaving him. This is what hurts.
I want her to see that life is not fair and being a baby and stamping her feet & burying her head in the sand is not going to help. She needs to grow a backbone and start showing some initiative in helping.
Give her a scout trip to Latvia to organise and she is all over it. Give her something bad and she goes to pieces. I want to go to pieces I can't, maybe I want to have her ignorance and ability to hide, but I can't.
I think we are just going to have a massive personality clash which we do quite frequently but she is just so different to me & my families outrightness that I don't know how to tackle this without causing some kind of family feud (and MIL & FIL are divorced and FIL & I will never see eye to eye and I am not to worried about him) but MIL has made loads of fuss about how she doesn't see the GC as often as she would like.
I need to nip this in the bud I am otherwise going to say something I regret tomorrow.
Please help me find some inner peace somewhere tonight

& spanky this is not a rant at you it as at MIL

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 18/06/2014 23:23

Hi Kntting. I am so sorry you are going though this. And I am sorry that MIL is so useless. And selfish. How on earth does she think you are feeling about talking to your DCs about death? But. She is what she is. You can't change her. Don't waste your precious energy.

Hugs and sleep well tonight wishes from Taunton. Rod Stewart played at the cricket ground tonight but is finished now according to a friend who lives across the road from it! Town centre was full of women of a certain age today wandering around waiting for the concert to start. It was all in aid of St Margaret's Hospice.