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This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

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This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

LGBT parents

DW minimising my role

108 replies

whatwomenwant · 27/01/2023 05:34

We had a baby a few months ago after years of fertility treatment.
I carried the baby.

DW made it clear really early on that she wanted the maternity leave, saying that I had the chance to bond with the baby for the 9 months I carried, therefore it was only fair she now had the time to bond during maternity leave.

When I said I would quite like some time off for maternity leave, she got really upset and cried. DW had the maternity leave and I returned to work after having the baby.

DW was also quite insistent on baby having formula so that she could feed the baby with the bottle and do night feeds, again worrying that she would miss another bonding experience.

I really wanted the baby to have breast milk. For various reasons I ended up expressing milk which then I just got in the habit of doing so that we could both feed the baby with a bottle.

When the baby would cry, I would feel it physically. I can't explain it other than I would feel an urgent reaction to her being upset. I'd want to tend to the baby straight away. This really annoyed DW and she would often say I was being 'dramatic' and 'over sensitive'.

Now, when it comes to baby's needs, DW will dismiss my view. If baby is crying and I say I think baby wants a bottle, DW will say 'she doesn't want a bottle. She had one just an hour ago'. I'll make it anyway, and baby will drink full bottle.

When baby has been unwell and I've said I'd like us to go to see GP, not only will DW say I'm being dramatic, but will also say that I am minimising her role as baby's mum by not trusting her that baby doesn't need a doctor.

I just feel like my role is really minimised and it's been really upsetting for me. Sometimes I am asking DW the most basic things such as 'should I get baby dressed now?' Or 'what should I dress her in?'
I've got in the habit of asking what to do. I'm struggling to stop doing this and just take an active 'mother' role.

OP posts:

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SalaDaeng · 27/01/2023 05:36

That is really awful. You have been used and now you are being abused. I am so sorry.

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MichelleScarn · 27/01/2023 05:42

I am so sorry but from reading this she sees you as a surrogate and not an equal mother. Why does she get the main role?

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MadamYouAreAdam · 27/01/2023 05:44

It's really manipulative behavior on her part. OP she is "training" you to allow her to get her way with absolutely everything. The tears over maternity leave were manipulation, how terrible that she stopped you having that time with baby. She's now making she doubt your own instincts and ridiculing you so she gets her own way. Very sorry.

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deeperthanallroses · 27/01/2023 05:54

That is so horrible that she totally dismissed your experience of carrying a baby and bullied you into going back to work and not breastfeeding. Is it too late to ask work to take maternity leave? You might be able to (especially if you explain your dw is abusive). Fuck her and
go home to your baby (I work ft, I am
not in any way judging mothers who work, it’s that you’ve been robbed of your motherhood)

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aramox1 · 27/01/2023 05:54

How are things otherwise? This sounds like a relationship with some issues. It's often hard for nonbio mums to find their parental role but this sounds really unbalanced for you; I have never heard of a bio mum not taking some or most of the maternity leave. Can you discuss or negotiate? It doesn't sound like it. Is she scared about you being more bonded etc? Or is this representative of how your relationship usually works?
How do you see things going forward? Do you have other lesbian parent friends you can check in with? It sounds like some mediation or counselling together might help.

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Simonjt · 27/01/2023 06:10

This happened to my cousin, unfortunately they were living abroad at the time so she had to play happy families. As soon as they moved back to the UK she started getting ready for divorce, so by the time everything was in order the UK would be considered their childs home. They now have 50/50 and they are both much happier people.

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Whatineed · 27/01/2023 06:14

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but the fact that your wife assumed that maternity leave was only about bonding with the baby and not about you physically recuperating from one of the most life changing events on the human body shows a despicable lack of care and respect to you.

Do you feel safe? It doesn't sound like a great environment for you both to be.

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smellyshoes81 · 27/01/2023 06:25

@whatwomenwant this is abusive behaviour OP, sounds like you’ve been used as a baby machine and this person has now effectively taken control over of your baby. It worries me you didn’t get the maternity leave, Maternity leave isn’t just about bonding with baby, it’s also about you having time to recover after being pregnant and having a baby. I think you should speak to your health visitor for help. Also nothing you have said makes you ‘dramatic’. She doesn’t understand your very real biological responses because she isn’t a mother, and no amount of her pretending to be will change that. She knows that and is acting out.

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Perfect28 · 27/01/2023 06:27

You're in an abusive relationship, sorry. Make plans to leave x

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Sellorkeep · 27/01/2023 06:28

Whatineed · 27/01/2023 06:14

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but the fact that your wife assumed that maternity leave was only about bonding with the baby and not about you physically recuperating from one of the most life changing events on the human body shows a despicable lack of care and respect to you.

Do you feel safe? It doesn't sound like a great environment for you both to be.

I completely agree. I’ve never had a baby but I am a manager at work and see and fully understand that this time is needed for repair and recovery after birth.
Everything you’ve described sounds horrendous. Your partner has been awful to you.

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Lulu2171 · 27/01/2023 06:28

Counselling for you both with someone experienced with same sex parents and sole counselling for you to help you find your voice with her. It's natural for her to worry about being marginalised with no bio connection, but she's swung too far the other way and she's being unkind (to put it mildly). Please don't allow things to continue as they are. They will not get better on their own. Sending you lots of love.

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Velvian · 27/01/2023 06:30

I am so sorry to hear about this OP. It is appealing and abusive behaviour from your wife.

Do you have any family support?

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JanusTheFirst · 27/01/2023 06:53

You and your baby need to get away from this woman.

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peaceandpotato · 27/01/2023 06:56

This sounds awful OP I'm so sorry

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PinkFrogss · 27/01/2023 07:05

Where are you OP? It would help posters to advise further if they know what country you’re in.

I assume you’re not in the UK, as the mother has to take at least 2 weeks off following the birth, and there is no option for the partner to take the maternity leave (they can take paternity or shared parental leave).

Wherever you live though, this is abuse. Is there a local domestic abuse charity you can contact for help leaving, or are you able to move back in with family?

If possible keep a dated account of her actions.

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Rainallnight · 27/01/2023 07:06

I think there can be tension in same-sex relationships over who gets to be mum.

It’s really difficult to navigate, so I don’t think you are alone in these issues but this is obviously a really extreme situation.

I am in a same-sex relationship and we adopted our children. One of the reasons, though not the main one, was it so that we didn’t have tensions over the biological mother role.

Like PPS, I’m curious to know what she was like before you had the baby, and how your relationship is otherwise.

only you can know if this is salvageable or not. You can leave or if you think there’s something worth saving, you could both get counselling.

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Badbudgeter · 27/01/2023 07:11

That sounds awful and I think you need counselling or possibly to separate. It is hormonal ( and a primordial instinct which is probably responsible for the survival of our species ) that desperate urge to tend your child. Completely normal.

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MiaMoor · 27/01/2023 07:19

Your wife sounds completely ignorant and cold about the pregnancy and birth process, to the point where your wife’s role has the one prioritised.

Was your wife upset that you carried the baby?
Was your wife able to carry a baby?

I really feel for you, not only have you not been allowed to recover from birth, it sounds like you’re having to ignore all your strong maternal instincts as well and not play a primary role in your baby’s care.

I would make plans to leave.
How old is the baby? Is it too late to try to breastfeed?

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MiaMoor · 27/01/2023 07:22

Your wife comes across really badly in this. What an awful sense of entitlement!

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Skyeheather · 27/01/2023 07:43

I'm going to guess it was DW who had the years of fertility treatment and that you had the baby after you both realised it was never going to happen for her?

If this is the case she needs to speak to someone to help her come to terms with the fact that she can never become pregnant and give birth to a baby herself. It seems that she's taken your baby and decided she's having it all to herself because this is her only chance to have a baby of her own.

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Rainallnight · 27/01/2023 07:49

Skyeheather · 27/01/2023 07:43

I'm going to guess it was DW who had the years of fertility treatment and that you had the baby after you both realised it was never going to happen for her?

If this is the case she needs to speak to someone to help her come to terms with the fact that she can never become pregnant and give birth to a baby herself. It seems that she's taken your baby and decided she's having it all to herself because this is her only chance to have a baby of her own.

Very good points.

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Simonjt · 27/01/2023 08:18

Skyeheather · 27/01/2023 07:43

I'm going to guess it was DW who had the years of fertility treatment and that you had the baby after you both realised it was never going to happen for her?

If this is the case she needs to speak to someone to help her come to terms with the fact that she can never become pregnant and give birth to a baby herself. It seems that she's taken your baby and decided she's having it all to herself because this is her only chance to have a baby of her own.

It isn’t OPs baby, she is their baby, they have also very much had a child of their own.

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peaceandpotato · 27/01/2023 08:21

Did you get any maternity leave? It's partly meant to be so you can recover

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Whataretheodds · 27/01/2023 08:33

Lulu2171 · 27/01/2023 06:28

Counselling for you both with someone experienced with same sex parents and sole counselling for you to help you find your voice with her. It's natural for her to worry about being marginalised with no bio connection, but she's swung too far the other way and she's being unkind (to put it mildly). Please don't allow things to continue as they are. They will not get better on their own. Sending you lots of love.

Don't have joint counselling with an abuser, which is what OP's partner is.

Do have counselling yourself, OP.

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BunchHarman · 27/01/2023 08:34

SalaDaeng · 27/01/2023 05:36

That is really awful. You have been used and now you are being abused. I am so sorry.

Yes. The cruelty of this is obscene.

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