DW minimising my role

[whatwomenwant]

We had a baby a few months ago after years of fertility treatment.
I carried the baby.

DW made it clear really early on that she wanted the maternity leave, saying that I had the chance to bond with the baby for the 9 months I carried, therefore it was only fair she now had the time to bond during maternity leave.

When I said I would quite like some time off for maternity leave, she got really upset and cried. DW had the maternity leave and I returned to work after having the baby.

DW was also quite insistent on baby having formula so that she could feed the baby with the bottle and do night feeds, again worrying that she would miss another bonding experience.

I really wanted the baby to have breast milk. For various reasons I ended up expressing milk which then I just got in the habit of doing so that we could both feed the baby with a bottle.

When the baby would cry, I would feel it physically. I can't explain it other than I would feel an urgent reaction to her being upset. I'd want to tend to the baby straight away. This really annoyed DW and she would often say I was being 'dramatic' and 'over sensitive'.

Now, when it comes to baby's needs, DW will dismiss my view. If baby is crying and I say I think baby wants a bottle, DW will say 'she doesn't want a bottle. She had one just an hour ago'. I'll make it anyway, and baby will drink full bottle.

When baby has been unwell and I've said I'd like us to go to see GP, not only will DW say I'm being dramatic, but will also say that I am minimising her role as baby's mum by not trusting her that baby doesn't need a doctor.

I just feel like my role is really minimised and it's been really upsetting for me. Sometimes I am asking DW the most basic things such as 'should I get baby dressed now?' Or 'what should I dress her in?'
I've got in the habit of asking what to do. I'm struggling to stop doing this and just take an active 'mother' role.

@momtoboys , that really unfair. OP has been trampled on at a time in her life when she was most vulnerable.

Not only is that unnecessary, and cruel to the OP, it's also untrue in general; lots of people find that the early days of parenting are the hardest in terms of navigating changing dynamics in their relationship with their partner.

Strongly agree.

You're welcome. I don't know how useful the books will be - and they might be useful for your partner more than you. It sounds to me as if she needs (at the very least!) to realise that her anxieties about being the non-bio mum are both really common, and also absolutely not a fair reason to treat you and the baby this way.

@SirWalterElliot I agree that the early days of parenting are the hardest, but these are not the normal arguments that new parents have with babies: figuring out their new roles/frustration over things feeling imbalanced as one person goes out to work and the other is at home etc. Everywhere is a mess and everyone thinks they’re more tired than the other. That stuff is normal and fades after about a year.
This, what OP describes is different and toxic/borderline abusive behaviour.

No one knows what they're doing at first, that soon fades, we all learn as we go.
So you're not being reminded you don't know what you're doing, you're being held there and blocked from your normal development into an experienced and skilled mum by these belittling and inaccurate criticisms reminders

@smellyshoes81 Oh I totally agree with you. I was responding to what I felt was an unhelpful comment from someone else further up the thread. But I agree that I should probably have qualified my comment.

I think I may had a baby around the same time as you OP. I carried and am still on mat leave, DW has been supportive in that decision to take a year off and I couldn't imagine how this must have been for you having to return to work so quickly after carrying your baby and feeling powerless.

I also know from experienfe that alot of those feelings of not knowing what you are doing and questioning your decisions is also very natural as a new parent even without your partner also questioning your decisions (I would go as far as saying gaslighting you...). My baby is now 9 months old and I feel more confident in making the right calls. I read your post ages ago but often think of it as it makes me incredibly sad to think what you were going through- I wondered if things had changed at all over time as you have settled into being a parent?