DW minimising my role

[whatwomenwant]

We had a baby a few months ago after years of fertility treatment.
I carried the baby.

DW made it clear really early on that she wanted the maternity leave, saying that I had the chance to bond with the baby for the 9 months I carried, therefore it was only fair she now had the time to bond during maternity leave.

When I said I would quite like some time off for maternity leave, she got really upset and cried. DW had the maternity leave and I returned to work after having the baby.

DW was also quite insistent on baby having formula so that she could feed the baby with the bottle and do night feeds, again worrying that she would miss another bonding experience.

I really wanted the baby to have breast milk. For various reasons I ended up expressing milk which then I just got in the habit of doing so that we could both feed the baby with a bottle.

When the baby would cry, I would feel it physically. I can't explain it other than I would feel an urgent reaction to her being upset. I'd want to tend to the baby straight away. This really annoyed DW and she would often say I was being 'dramatic' and 'over sensitive'.

Now, when it comes to baby's needs, DW will dismiss my view. If baby is crying and I say I think baby wants a bottle, DW will say 'she doesn't want a bottle. She had one just an hour ago'. I'll make it anyway, and baby will drink full bottle.

When baby has been unwell and I've said I'd like us to go to see GP, not only will DW say I'm being dramatic, but will also say that I am minimising her role as baby's mum by not trusting her that baby doesn't need a doctor.

I just feel like my role is really minimised and it's been really upsetting for me. Sometimes I am asking DW the most basic things such as 'should I get baby dressed now?' Or 'what should I dress her in?'
I've got in the habit of asking what to do. I'm struggling to stop doing this and just take an active 'mother' role.

You need to take your baby and run, honestly she is setting you up to be the NRP if you split up, A court will always look at who is the main carer and it seems she has put herself in that role by sending you back to work straight after birth. You know this is all wrong hence your posting, please trust your gut.

You only had a month off;you should have had at least two;I bled for weeks after my younger ones and was exhausted physically.

Most couples who split it usually do half/half with the one who gave birth doing it first to allow a physical recovery from the pregnancy/birth.

You carried and did the fertility treatment as she didn't want to;it's as if you've been treated as little more than a surrogate.

You both deserve an equal say/split in your child's life.

It is abit abusive and your partner clearly has issues she needs to deal with;the question is if this is a relationship/parenting gap that needs to be bridged or a relationship ender?;You know your wife better than us;would she be willing to work on herself?

You need a frank discussion with her. Tell her you want to split the remainder of your maternity leave so that you can also bond with baby. How she responds to that will be a massive indicator of what you’ll need to do next. ie She has issues around being a non bio parent, the question is is she willing to address them? Is she willing to support you as much as you’ve supported her? Are you both willing to work on your family?

For anyone concerned about the welfare of our baby. She is very well cared for and we do respond when she cries. What I meant was, how I would feel it physically when she cried. It would feel like I was being tortured and would need to respond quickly. We do always respond. But I will drop everything immediately to go to her.

Yes that's the biological response of a mother... your breasts literally start producing milk when you can hear the baby crying!

Agree, what's the plan when the mat leave is over? Has your dp discussed this, do you expect she'll want to be the SAHP?

The very idea that you had to go back to work straight after childbirth is horrendous. I understand that she wants to bond with baby and might have felt a little left out due to you carrying, but I assume this was a conversation that was had and long considered.

She sounds incredibly controlling and is clearly pushing for a dynamic where she says 'jump' and you say 'how high?' Please don't suffer this any longer.

@sarahandquack could you please give some recommendations for resources around balancing the mum role please?

The cells of your daughter were built from your cells, her existence is a physical need and every fibre of your being is tuned to her. All your physiology and it's effects on both your pysche and body is geared to attending to her and ensuring her survival. This has been the essential quality of motherhood since forever across all mammals. You're her mum.
Your DW is different she may be female and another mum but her role is different crucial, important and highly influential as the second parent... But she is not the same. As important as the second parent is, baby is not helped by the mum being pushed aside. The effect on you is negative and this does not benefit DD, it isn't necessary.
Mum supports baby, second parent supports mum, baby is loved by both, both parents love support and appreciate each other and everyone has harmony and plays their role to the most important one - the baby.
What you have is a theft of your role by someone jealous of its significance and wishing it for themselves, while you have been treated as though you were merely a vessel.

Your wife is being awful to you. You carried the baby so you will have more of a physical and emotional attachment to the baby and the baby will to you. It’s horrible what she’s done to you, denying that any of that matters.

She is being very controlling and incredibly unfair, it isn't surprising she has exhibited these behaviours before. For your own mindset and relationship with baby, I'd try and make decisions - keep making the bottle when YOU think she's hungry, decide what to dress her in etc. Will your wife go back to work after her leave has ended? I'd try and push strongly for that (or both going part time) so that you have equal care of baby at that point. If you do end up needing to split up it's better to have equal care.

Sweetheart, we are concerned for you! I am sure your baby is well cared for, but this is cruel to you.

@GrettaGreen, will do. I'm out ATM but will reply properly later.

That would be great thanks as DW and I are expecting a baby this year.

OP this sounds really awful, like you're being pushed out so she can't be reminded you're the biological parent. There is just no getting away from that and I think to move forward you need to have a very difficult conversation, naming these behaviours and listing specifically what needs to be different going forward. I would insist as a start that you have solid 1:1 time with baby to start with eg all day Saturday so you can rebuild your confidence around caring for your child and to remove her ability to interfere.

I had very similar happen to me, we broke up eventually but she used a lot of the early control she had over me and the baby as “proof” that she was the main caregiver and I was an uncaring mother. I don’t want to say too much publicly but if you want to private message me I’d be happy to chat about it x

My goodness OP, I am upset on your behalf. I'm in the same position, bio mum in a same sex couple. This is not okay. Many couples split mat leave but the first few months at the very least should have been for you to recover, establish breastfeeding and to bond. Your DW is NOT acting I a loving or kind way.

So well put!!

If this continues it will affect your child though. This level of control is domestic abuse and domestic abuse does affect children. I’m not saying your child has already suffered harm, but I am saying it does sound like a situation that will cause harm if it continues. I can see risk of parental alienation in the way you are being prevented from caring for your child in that way you want and having your role belittled, risk of emotional neglect if she does keep trying to stop you responding to your child how you feel is right.

im not trying to upset you op, but I do think you need to view this for how serious it actually is. If not dealt with this willlead to a horrific toxic environment for you and the baby/child.

You need to remember that this is your baby too.

Stop asking whether to get her changed and do it.

Stop asking whether to take her to the doctors as if you think she should go you should TELL your wife that you are ringing the GP to make an appointment.
Yes you may be being dramatic but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

You sound like you feel guilty that she wasn’t able to carry the baby.

I’m not being rude as many women would give anything to be able to carry a baby but you drew the short straw.

You had to go through 9 months of physical and emotional change, a labour and birth and everything that comes from after giving birth - this is one of the most difficult things a woman goes through and many of these changes are irreversible.

Whilst she gets to enjoy having a baby without all of the extra hard work and is trying to guilt trip you into allowing her to make all of the decisions.

The maternity leave should at the very least have been shared equally.

The fact you owe her your mat leave because you got to do the pregnancy is still emotional blackmail.
She didn't want to do the pregnancy.
The effort, risks (most risky thing a healthy female can do, more risky than any extreme sport) and enormous physical upheaval of the pregnancy was all on you. The baby is what makes all that worthwhile, she shouldn't just elect to swoop in and steal that, based solely on her emotional needs.

Awful emotional blackmail... Not still.

Right, buckle up, this is going to be a long one. Apologies to those who won't find it useful.

My coping strategy is always reading up on stuff. I went to a really helpful presentation by an academic who'd researched lesbian parenting over several decades. It was called 'from mother's lover to other mother'. She found that, in the early years of same-sex couples being parents (which is around the 60s; before that it tended to be that lesbians were deemed unfit mothers and the fathers got custody), women perceived themselves as 'mother's lovers' or 'mothers' - the woman who was the mother's girlfriend wasn't likely to see herself as a parent, though it's clear some women found this sad. Later, there's a transition to couples seeing themselves as co-parents, or wanting to be co-parents, but this is still pretty recent. I found this helpful and interesting to know.

The books I've found most useful have been memoirs/first-hand accounts, just because once you see lots of other people discussing what happened with them, you start feeling able to build a roadmap for yourself. For the OP, as well, I think these books show it is not ok for a non-bio parent to do what the OP's partner is doing.

In terms of books:

Clare Lynch, 'Small: On Motherhoods' is a lovely, though sad, memoir of same-sex motherhood and pregnancy loss. I liked this for the way she talks about her and her wife negotiating their roles.

Emma Brockes, 'Panic and Joy'. This is mostly about Brockes' experience as a single mum by choice, but interesting for lesbian mums because Brockes is in a same-sex relationship with another mother who is also a single mum by choice, and she says they decided to do this because they felt 'two alpha mums' wouldn't be able to co-parent harmoniously. It's quite useful to read someone acknowledging that IMO.

Harlyn Aizley (ed), 'Confessions of the Other Mother'. Crappy sensationalist title, but a good book - it's a set of pieces by several non-bio mums and they have quite a range of views, including some that I found quite surprisingly uncompromising (there was one woman who was quite clear that the bio mum was going to be the primary parent in all respects, for example).

Cherie Moraga, 'Waiting in the Wings'. This is quite old now (1997). Moraga writes very emotively about how her experience of parenting her partner's biological child, and then losing touch with that child when the relationship broke down, shaped her subsequent choices. Her memoir centres on her becoming a biological mother to a son, and she is very honest in discussing how hard she found it to share motherhood with her partner.

I've not yet read Jen Brister's 'Othermother' but I've heard her do stand-up and she's fabulous and very funny; I've just bought Amie Klempnauer Miller's memoir on recommendation from a lesbian mum friend.

Finn Mackay has written about her experiences of being the 'othermother'. MacKay is quite masculine-presenting and I always find what she says about gender and motherhood really nuanced and thoughtful, even if I don't always agree. Her blog is here: www.drfinnmackay.co.uk/blog/othermotherhood-the-first-year]]

I'm sure there are more I've forgotten, too!

This sounds awful. Biologically is the baby yours or hers.Your partner sounds very demanding and selfish. What's best for the baby is the importantnthing not what she wants. I would call it a day over this. She sounds a proper bully.

Why is it relevant whether the baby is biologically the OP's or her wife's?I'm fairly sure given the OP says her partner didn't want to do treatment, it's biologically not her partner's baby - but even if it were, the OP has done the pregnancy so she is the one recovering from that, and she is the one whose hormones and emotions matter here.

I think it is relevant. Especially with regards to the possibility of a custody issue if they split up.