DW minimising my role

[whatwomenwant]

We had a baby a few months ago after years of fertility treatment.
I carried the baby.

DW made it clear really early on that she wanted the maternity leave, saying that I had the chance to bond with the baby for the 9 months I carried, therefore it was only fair she now had the time to bond during maternity leave.

When I said I would quite like some time off for maternity leave, she got really upset and cried. DW had the maternity leave and I returned to work after having the baby.

DW was also quite insistent on baby having formula so that she could feed the baby with the bottle and do night feeds, again worrying that she would miss another bonding experience.

I really wanted the baby to have breast milk. For various reasons I ended up expressing milk which then I just got in the habit of doing so that we could both feed the baby with a bottle.

When the baby would cry, I would feel it physically. I can't explain it other than I would feel an urgent reaction to her being upset. I'd want to tend to the baby straight away. This really annoyed DW and she would often say I was being 'dramatic' and 'over sensitive'.

Now, when it comes to baby's needs, DW will dismiss my view. If baby is crying and I say I think baby wants a bottle, DW will say 'she doesn't want a bottle. She had one just an hour ago'. I'll make it anyway, and baby will drink full bottle.

When baby has been unwell and I've said I'd like us to go to see GP, not only will DW say I'm being dramatic, but will also say that I am minimising her role as baby's mum by not trusting her that baby doesn't need a doctor.

I just feel like my role is really minimised and it's been really upsetting for me. Sometimes I am asking DW the most basic things such as 'should I get baby dressed now?' Or 'what should I dress her in?'
I've got in the habit of asking what to do. I'm struggling to stop doing this and just take an active 'mother' role.

You are in an abusive relationship OP.

To repeat - abusive relationship with someone who either has no grasp of how the biological urges of birth work, or knows full well, doesn’t give a fuck and has centred herself at the expensive of the babies well-being.

You absolutely should not be ignoring your instincts or your babies cries.

How long did you have off after giving birth op?
These behaviours do raise a lot of red flags. I’m worried for you.

You are the mother and your ‘DW’ has no l role here other than support you. She has no physical relationship to the baby and is not physically recovering.

It is SHOCKING that she stole your maternity leave. You needed that time to recover physically (I bled for ten weeks after giving birth!) but also both you and the baby need that time together, you’re still one physical unit responding and reacting to each other. Of course the baby’s cry makes you respond physically, that is the purpose of the cry. Your breasts can adjust their temperature to warm or soothe the baby depending on the baby’s health. It you’d been allowed to breadtfeed you would be producing anyibodies tailored to the baby’s needs. Etc.

‘DW’ sounds completely unloving towards you, wildly jealous of you, and determined to sabotage and undermine your relationship with your child. She is controlling and not a good partner.

I don’t know where you go from here. Have you really given up the paid maternity leave you’re entitled to?! Is there any way you can get it back, eg if you separate from the partner?

You are heading straight for postnatal depression if you’ve been separated from your newborn, nor allowed to breastfeed, and are being undermined by a hostile ‘partner’.

Why are you with someone who hurts you and your baby? Is the baby 100% hours genetically?

Can you leave?

Maternity leave is not just about bonding with the baby - it’s about recovering physically from childbirth.

You have been used as a surrogate.

Wow OP. This is so cruel. Maternity leave as others have said is for recovery as well as bonding.

Who is named on the birth certificate? Do you both have parental responsibility?

@aramox1
There are other areas where DW is controlling. At times I have spoken to her about some of this but she doesn't see it.
We do have other lesbian parents friends but they're all joint ones who we only see together.

@PinkFrogss
I am in the uk. I had a month off.

@Skyeheather
She didn't want to carry or have any fertility procedures. She had no interest at all in it so I had the fertility treatment and carried the baby which is what I wanted. I wanted to be pregnant whereas she didn't.

This description of the treatment she is subjecting you to is making my blood run cold. 😱

I am a mum in a same-sex relationship, and I am really shocked by this. What she's doing is not ok.

As a PP says, there absolutely is a known issue around 'who gets to be mum' in same-sex relationships (personally, I found it really helpful reading other mums' accounts of this and there is stuff out there - happy to give recs if useful). I know my DP and I both feel there are things we'd have done differently. But ... she decided she got the maternity leave?! WTF? Who does that? That is really not ok. Nor is dismissing your choice to breastfeed.

I'm the non-bio mum and I admit, it is sometimes hard in the early days when you don't see eye to eye with your partner and their view seems to count for more - but it does count for more! It has to. It's your body that's carried that baby and you will be having all sorts of emotional reactions to that.

Would it be possible for you to talk to her about this and explain how hurt and upset you feel? It is easy for same-sex mum couples to lose sight of what's ok in a relationship, because there isn't so much of a roadmap. She really ought to be able to figure out this isn't ok (!), but since she hasn't, would she consider reading up on same-sex parenting and bio mums' experiences?

Have you watched on YouTube or read anything about narcissistic partners ? If you haven't it will help you recognise what's going on if that is what's happening. If they are a narcissist no talking in the world will change things as they don't believe there's anything wrong with them or their behavior and it's you that is the problem.
For instance have they ever apologised for anything ever ? Or does she use such phrases as "Well I'm sorry you feel like that" or "I'm sorry you've misunderstood what I've said"
That's just a tiny drop in the ocean to what's she's doing, you are being written out of your own child's life. No doubt at some stage she'll be telling others that she does everything.

I will say, though, some of the responses here are shocking too.

The OP had a baby with her partner, through fertility treatment. In the UK, this usually means the OP's partner is the legal parent of the baby. Please don't let's forget this or act as if it can be set aside.

Wow OP I feel so sad reading this. Your body is screaming to respond to your babies needs. Your wife is isolating you from this. Please trust your instincts. You are being taken advantage of and are being controlled. It is not in your best interests or your babies. Please reassess the situation and reflect on the unhealthy relationship you are in.

This is awful and like others I think your wife is abusing you. Worse it sounds like her abuse is affecting how your baby is being cared for too. She’s trying to stop you responding to the baby’s basic needs when you know the baby needs something. That’s awful!!

Does your wife have any genetic connection to the baby and/or any legal link to the baby? If not I’d be looking to leave and cut all contact. In either scenario I think you should separate. She sounds horrendously controlling and it WILL affect your baby if you don’t take action.

Lovey, that is really, really not ok. I am stunned your work was ok with this, too - I didn't even know it was possible.

She's got this one badly wrong. IMO the only way she could save it now would be for there to be a big conversation, and for her to completely change the way she's acting. But that's if you want to stay with her. Do you, really?

Why on earth did she get this idea it would be ok to take your maternity leave? Do your other lesbian mum friends not say anything about this? Or the health visitor?

When we had DD the health visitor was pretty arsey about me being involved at all; DP had to point out I was one of the mums, so they can go too far the other way, but I really think someone should have been saying to your DP that this wasn't healthy or ok.

She sounds controlling and unpleasant.

All the lesbian parents I know have taken account of the emotional and physical impact of pregnancy and birth.

You don't have to stay in this relationship if it doesn't work for you.

I’m in a same sex relationship and our motto is ‘do what’s right for the child, not what’s right for us’. It sounds like you’ve both potentially lost sight of that. Yes it’s hard as a non bio mum not to get to breastfeed, but you have to put the child first.

Honestly counselling would probably go a long way.

Also you need to change the way you’re acting RE clothes and bottles etc and start just doing it. Say “I’m going to make a bottle and see if that helps her” and if she disagrees then she disagrees, she can have her opinion and simultaneously you’re allowed to try things for the baby. I know this is easier said than done if you’re used to her being controlling but you need to break the habit of taking a step back.

It is the OPs baby ( and someone who produces male gametes is the other biological parent ). The DW is not a biological parent, however involved ( ? Over involved?) with the baby she may now be.

The DW may be a legal guardian, of course.

In the UK, if the parents are married, it is legally the OP's wife's baby. If they were treated at a fertility clinic, unless they explicitly chose not to have the OP be a parent, she will be a parent. That's how the law works.

I think the OP would be perfectly justified in leaving her partner if she feels that's right, and my expectation would be that a court would place a huge amount of importance on the biological relationship, when a baby is so young.

But it is really dangerous to LGBT rights to keep acting as if same-sex parents are somehow lesser, or not really parents, because they're not biological parents. TBH I think it also plays into the OP's partner's paranoia about her status in this relationship. That paranoia has obviously resulted in really awful treatment of the OP and isn't excusable, but you can see where it comes from.

I’m worried if she felt one month was enough time off (and you clearly didn’t) that you were forced back at a very very early stage. I was only just transferred from midwife care to HV at one month.
I don’t know about the same sex aspect of the relationship (other far more knowledgeable can comment) but if this was a dad behaving this way I think everyone would be saving leave him and take the baby. Since you have given birth abs they are the second parent, you legally can go back on shared parental leave any time you want to (with notice to your employer). Shared parental leave to the second parent is essentially by consent of the birthing parent. So your partner can’t dictate this.

@SarahAndQuack
Yes we are married. Both have parental responsibility. Both our names are on the birth certificate.

If you are in the UK, you may have surrendered your mat leave but still have a right to SPL.

I'm sorry OP, this sounds so hard and unfair. I had postnatal psychosis after my first pregnancy, which was misdiagnosed as the 'baby blues.' In other words, we are so complacent about the hormone and other impacts of pregnancy on the body that complete mental collapse can be seen as just one of those things.

I agree that your DW sounds controlling and unreasonable. Why does she have to have all of the mat/SPL period when it is increasingly designed in law to be shared? Why is your having some time with your baby and equal parenting rights threaten hers?

She’s not a ‘guardian’ she’s the other parent. If they were married and had their baby via a fertility clinic then they are both named as parents legally.

No she has no biological connection; but neither would eg a mother have a biological connection to their child if it was conceived through IVF with a donor egg, or a father in a straight couple who had had to use donor sperm. They’re still parents.

This is horrendous, I’m sorry she’s doing this to you.

You’ve been used to carry the baby and she has no clue about maternity leave or the post-birth experiences of a new mum. What about your recovery?

Do you want to stay in a controlling and abusive relationship? Do you want your child to grow up in that environment?

I’d start getting my ducks in a row and leave her at the earliest opportunity.