DW minimising my role

[whatwomenwant]

We had a baby a few months ago after years of fertility treatment.
I carried the baby.

DW made it clear really early on that she wanted the maternity leave, saying that I had the chance to bond with the baby for the 9 months I carried, therefore it was only fair she now had the time to bond during maternity leave.

When I said I would quite like some time off for maternity leave, she got really upset and cried. DW had the maternity leave and I returned to work after having the baby.

DW was also quite insistent on baby having formula so that she could feed the baby with the bottle and do night feeds, again worrying that she would miss another bonding experience.

I really wanted the baby to have breast milk. For various reasons I ended up expressing milk which then I just got in the habit of doing so that we could both feed the baby with a bottle.

When the baby would cry, I would feel it physically. I can't explain it other than I would feel an urgent reaction to her being upset. I'd want to tend to the baby straight away. This really annoyed DW and she would often say I was being 'dramatic' and 'over sensitive'.

Now, when it comes to baby's needs, DW will dismiss my view. If baby is crying and I say I think baby wants a bottle, DW will say 'she doesn't want a bottle. She had one just an hour ago'. I'll make it anyway, and baby will drink full bottle.

When baby has been unwell and I've said I'd like us to go to see GP, not only will DW say I'm being dramatic, but will also say that I am minimising her role as baby's mum by not trusting her that baby doesn't need a doctor.

I just feel like my role is really minimised and it's been really upsetting for me. Sometimes I am asking DW the most basic things such as 'should I get baby dressed now?' Or 'what should I dress her in?'
I've got in the habit of asking what to do. I'm struggling to stop doing this and just take an active 'mother' role.

Your wife is being abusive, it’s likely out of a mixture of insecurity and jealousy, she wants to be the main parent to the point where she’s undermining you and pushing you out. I’m in a same sex marriage and we are planning to TTC soon and my wife has never suggested taking my maternity leave or me not breast feeding. The most she said was she would like me to express if I can so she can help with night feeds, which I am more than happy to do if I can as it will give me a break. I think you need a serious discussion with your wife and to take some of your maternity leave back.

They are both legal parents, equally, in the eyes of custody/the law. This has already been mentioned.

Sorry I didn't see they were both the legal parents.

Great post @SarahAndQuack 👍

Can't imagine being blocked from breastfeeding my baby. 😭

But it's not.

@Viviennemary it’s really not. A friend of mine (S) got divorced from her wife (E) a few years ago, they had 2 children who were from E’s eggs and donor sperm. E gave birth but both S and E were on the birth certificate. It ended up with 50/50 custody. It sounded like the judge was more confused by E wanting to white wash S from the children’s lives -plus wanting her to contribute financially of course 🙄

I know it's not for everyone of course and some want to and can't, but for another person to stand in your way, for their own personal gain. 🥺

This sounds horrendous. Almost as if she only used you to get a baby.
How long were you together for before having fertility treatment?
What was she like to you before pregnancy?

Thanks @CleopatrasBeautifulNose. I am really feeling for the OP and just hope some of it helps. Same-sex mums still have so little support, I think.

@Viviennemary - sorry, just seen you'd already taken the correction! (I've got to admit I get a bit red-rag-to-the-bull with this issue because so, so many people automatically assume non-bio mums have no rights, and it is exactly the sort of thing that makes a bad situation like this one worse.)

This is so upsetting to read. Having and carrying a baby is a strong physical bond for a lot of women so for you to have been forced away from that opportunity is cruel. You carried the baby. You've been used. Think hard on how she views you and what she's done to you and baby.

Some of the things you are saying are flags for abuse - her controlling behaviour, calling you "dramatic", "oversensitive".

I think you need to seek out some independent suppot for yourself. Unfortunately you may need to leave the relationship, as people who are so dismissive of their partner don't change easily.

Ouch OP, how soon did you physically return to work straight after delivering a baby? That sounds mad to me. I had no idea maternity leave could be “switched” between female partners like that.

@SarahAndQuack you sound absolutely lovely and very knowledgeable!

OP, this is awful. Is the maternity leave still ongoing? Is there the possibility for you to take the back end of it off and swap with your DW for a while?

This sounds manipulative and potentially dangerous. Her massive need to control the situation is outweighing any common sense and could put the baby in danger if, say, it became ill.

I'm sorry you're in this awful situation - I hope you can get out of it x

I haven't read all of the replies but I think you need family therapy / counselling.. possibly individually and together. Would your partner consider this?

(It is very tricky in a relationship where one partner is controlling - so this will not be an easy road.)

I'm not sure I am, @TokyoSushi, and god knows DP and I were an absolute shit-show (we very nearly split up multiple times and we both did categorically awful things). But thanks.

This is absolutely horrendous, one of the worst things I've read on here. That's despicable she has treated you like that and your poor baby being robbed of that innate time with its mother who it recognised and wanted. Fight back now OP, if not for you, for your child.

They’re both the childs parent, dna has absolutely no relevence

Just to clarify, your partner has not taken your maternity leave, you have both taken Shared Parental Leave. You should be able to amend your Shared Parental Leave with I believe it is 8 weeks notice.

How would your partner react to you saying you want to amend your leave to take more time off?

My concern is that if you were to leave, she may be the primary carer and have custody, unless the abuse is well documented. And of course the fact you should get more than a month!

Also how did the conversations around taking the Shared Parental Leave go in the first place?

It can’t be, maternity leave can only be taken by a biological mother who has given birth (or experienced a loss after the 24th week of pregnancy).

What OP has taken is Shared Parental Leave, which is available to all parents if they meet the eligibility criteria (continuous service and earnings, pretty similar to SMP). The fact the OP is in a same sex relationship is irrelevant to the family leave being taken. You can also have Shared Adoption Leave which is similar, although of course follows the adoption rather than birth of a child.

This does however hopefully mean OP will be able to take further leave, however her partner would have to shorten the amount of leave she has taken.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose
Thank you. I think I forget that at times and need reminding. I agree about the roles and wish it was like that for us.
I feel like I'm reminded that I don't know what I'm doing half of the time, even though plenty of times I have known what the baby needs and it's been dismissed by DW.

@SarahAndQuack
Thank you. That is really helpful and I will buy those books to read. I have also saved the blog so I can read through that. I really appreciate your help.

If child rearing is this bad at this point you are both in for a difficult time.