15 yo and older man

[ShaynaRob]

I’m posting because I’m really worried and don’t know if I’m overreacting or not.
My son is 15 and lives at home with me. His dad died just over a year ago and he’s still grieving. It’s been a very difficult time for him and for us and I feel he’s quite vulnerable.
I recently discovered (by looking at his phone, which I know I probably shouldn’t have done but I was worried about him) that he’s seeing a man in his early 20s. From the messages it looks like they meet up regularly and have slept together so this seems to be an ongoing relationship rather than just chatting.
My son came out as gay when he was 12 and I’ve always supported him, so my concern isn’t about his sexuality. What worries me is the age difference and whether he could be getting taken advantage of, especially given how much he’s struggled since losing his dad.
He’s out most days and most weekends with a group of friends and sometimes stays over with them so I assume that’s when he’s meeting this man but I don’t actually know for sure. I do ask him about his friends and where he’s going but he’s not very forthcoming with me so I don’t think he would bring this up himself.
The other difficulty is that we don’t currently have a great relationship. He’s pulled away a lot since his dad died and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with him. I’m worried that if I handle this badly I’ll damage our relationship completely but at the same time I feel sick with worry about the situation.
I don’t know if this sort of age gap is more common for young gay men or if this is something I should be seriously concerned about. Has anyone dealt with something similar and how did you handle it without pushing your child away?

I would say if the guy was like 17-19 it wouldn't be do bad but mid 20s? And could be older?
I think you need to tell the guy he's underage and the police will be involved if he doesn't back off.

Even once your son is 16 this is still a big age gap and ethically messy. The fact that this has clearly been going on for some time does sound like grooming. Teenagers do lie about their age, and some 15 year olds (girls and boys) can look 18, so sometimes it’s not clear cut, but if the older partner knows the younger partners age it’s their responsibility to act properly and stop the relationship.

@ShaynaRob if you feel comfortable contacting the boyfriend to ask if he knows your son is only 15, then this is an option. If he already knows this and is continuing the relationship anyway, it’s a safeguarding issue and police should be involved. As the saying goes, check his hard drive.

The 23 year old's an opportunistic predator.

Your son wont be the first 15 year old this guy has slept with, and i doubt he will be the last.

Your son is under the age of consent . You are right to be worried , your child DS is being groomed by an adult ! You need to report him to the police .

I can't understand why you are so relaxed about this. You need to report the predator to the Police and protect your child.

I was in a similar situation at the age of 14 OP during my childhood when I was going through childhood sexual abuse,my mum wasn't around as she was in a mental health unit for most of my childhood and my dad was away visiting her a lot.

I met a 23 year old post op trans,she was kind and caring and let me talk about things that were happening in my life,she would take me out for chips etc but we slept together a few times,for years I refused to see it as abuse beacuse she was not horrible like the man was,but it's only recently I've started to think maybe I was groomed.

I spoke to my therapist a few weeks ago and she said this is definitely abuse and I should report it but I can't when she was so nice to me.

The most important thing is to protect your son he's just lost his dad no adult should be engaging in any sort of relationship with a child.

You were groomed and abused by a predatory monster. I hope you've managed to get past it and have a good, contented, and fulfilling life.

Agree, notify the police about your son’s abuser.

in the meantime I would have a safe sex conversation with him on the pretext that he’s nearly 16 and might be thinking about this in the near future.

Thank you for your kind words I've had years of intense therapy much of that was centered around the original abuse I suffered during my childhood,I'm in a much better place now and can see what this person did to me you are absolutely right they groomed me when I was at my most vulnerable,that hurts just as much as the original abuse beacuse I thought this person genuinely cared for me.but I'm going to have a serious think about reporting it to the police.

@Blueeyedmale they could be abusing someone else now. If you are able to please report them.

That's something that did a lot on my mind over the last day or so and after having a talk over with my therapist I've made the decision to report it to the police,as you say they could be doing it to other people and having been through what I've been through with my childhood the safety of children and women should be the number one priority so yes it will be difficult but,I need to think about others and also give myself some closure thank you.

I agree with others - and ChatGPT - this is a police matter. I’m so sorry, you must be worried sick.

@Blueeyedmale you are very brave. Thank you

This. This man is a paedophile, you need to report him.

Has he been reported yet?