15 yo and older man

[ShaynaRob]

I’m posting because I’m really worried and don’t know if I’m overreacting or not.
My son is 15 and lives at home with me. His dad died just over a year ago and he’s still grieving. It’s been a very difficult time for him and for us and I feel he’s quite vulnerable.
I recently discovered (by looking at his phone, which I know I probably shouldn’t have done but I was worried about him) that he’s seeing a man in his early 20s. From the messages it looks like they meet up regularly and have slept together so this seems to be an ongoing relationship rather than just chatting.
My son came out as gay when he was 12 and I’ve always supported him, so my concern isn’t about his sexuality. What worries me is the age difference and whether he could be getting taken advantage of, especially given how much he’s struggled since losing his dad.
He’s out most days and most weekends with a group of friends and sometimes stays over with them so I assume that’s when he’s meeting this man but I don’t actually know for sure. I do ask him about his friends and where he’s going but he’s not very forthcoming with me so I don’t think he would bring this up himself.
The other difficulty is that we don’t currently have a great relationship. He’s pulled away a lot since his dad died and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with him. I’m worried that if I handle this badly I’ll damage our relationship completely but at the same time I feel sick with worry about the situation.
I don’t know if this sort of age gap is more common for young gay men or if this is something I should be seriously concerned about. Has anyone dealt with something similar and how did you handle it without pushing your child away?

I’m sorry I don’t have any experience of this but I’d be worried sick about this too. Are you able to bring it up with him in terms of discussing safe gay sexual practices? Do you know anything about his boyfriend? I’d be inclined to invite the boyfriend over to meet him.

He's 15, I don't think you should be allowing this.
The man is in his 20's, can you try and talk to your son?
It sounds like an unbalanced type of relationship.

Obviously not on, and he may well resent you for turning a blind eye when he’s older.

I have the boyfriend’s tiktok account so I could contact him but I don’t know how to bring this up with my son without making it obvious that I’ve been through his phone. He’s doesn't tell me anything so I don’t think he would mention it himself. I'm worried about ruining our relationship.

Already done the safe sex talk but I will try to bring it up in conversation. They have these talks at school so I'll ask about school and go from there

I would contact him and ask him if he knows your son is 15. I'd also be passing his details to the police and saying that he's been grooming and sleeping with a child under 16.

Adult men who seek out vulnerable, U16 teens, regardless of sexuality, are the problem here.

Surely you need to contact the police?

No decent man in their twenties is having sex with a 15 year old child! That is statutory rape and he's being groomed.

Any grown man who finds a child sexually attractive is appalling. I would do everything in my power to stop this.

OP that is devastating. You need to contact the police. Your son will be unhappy but he will need help understanding he’s being groomed. Sending love.

Safeguarding our DC means we sometimes have to make decisions that they will be furious with us for, but that doesn’t mean we should stand back and let our child be abused. This is one of those times.

This is a police matter, this man is having sex with a child. Surely this is really clear? The sexuality of your child doesn't come into it, it doesn't matter if it's common practice, so is burglary or car theft but it doesn't mean it's legally or morally fine.

I ran this through AI op and this is what it says. This is a serious situation that requires immediate action to protect her son. Here's what I'd advise:
She needs to act now, despite her understandable fears:
This is illegal in virtually all jurisdictions - a 22-year-old having a sexual relationship with a 15-year-old constitutes statutory rape and child sexual abuse. The age gap and power differential mean this cannot be a consensual relationship, regardless of what her son may believe.
Recommended steps:
She should report this to law enforcement and/or child protective services immediately. I know this feels drastic, but her son is being victimized and needs protection he may not be able to provide for himself right now.
Before or alongside that report, she needs to have a direct but compassionate conversation with her son. He needs to know she knows, and that she's acting out of love and protection, not punishment of him. This man is exploiting him.
She should consult with a therapist who specializes in adolescent trauma and grooming, both for guidance on how to handle this and to arrange support for her son. Given their recent loss of his father, her son is particularly vulnerable to manipulation by someone offering attention and validation.
Why pushing him away is less of a risk than doing nothing:
Yes, he may initially react with anger or feel betrayed. But if she stays silent, she's allowing ongoing abuse that will cause far greater harm. The grief they're both experiencing makes him more vulnerable, not less in need of protection. Her son needs his mother to be the parent right now, even if it's hard.
This will be painful, but protecting him is more important than his immediate reaction. With professional support and her consistent love, their relationship can heal - but only if she stops the abuse first.

I use Claude AI and find it very helpful to discuss difficult issues with. I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband and having to deal with this trauma as well.

Do you know his dob? Is he definitely in his early 20s? How on earth did they meet?

If you think he’s in his 20’s then yes you need to do something, but it’s possible your son has lied about his age and it’s possible he’s younger than you think, if 18 whilst technically statutory rape it’s very unlikely that they would prosecute without any coercion, if 25 it’s very different. How far off 16?

Thanks everyone. His age did come up in their texts - he’s 23. My son turns 16 in four months. When he goes out he always says he’s meeting or staying with friends, and in a rush to go out the other day he left his phone at home, which he never normally does as he’s glued to it. I took the chance to look through it, which is how I found out. I’m planning to speak to him tomorrow and will try my best to get him to break it off.

You should still report him to the police. Even if he breaks it off with your son what about the next child he grooms?

I would be worried too. He doubtless feels "abandoned" in some way by his dad, and is therefore vulnerable. He might feel that it just doesn't matter that a relationship is inappropriate. Is there someone he trusts who could talk to him, or rather, get him to talk? An auntie, or family friend?
PS. I'm sorry for the loss of your DH.

He is a child (and under the age of consent) and the person he is seeing is a legal adult a significant number years older which at that age is a big gap and generally you are in very different places in life stage etc., let alone illegal. I would be concerned what a 23 year old would want to be doing with a 15 year old to be honest in this situation and stopping contact and reporting this to the police.

At 14 & 15 years old, I was in a relationship with a man in his late 20's (heterosexual, but I don't think that makes a difference). It wasn't until I was in my 20's that I saw it for what it was, and the trauma it caused me. He was very emotionally abusive, but of course, I didn't realise that at the time. I now refer to him as "the pedo", as I now understand that's what he was. You need to put an end to this as pp's have said, go to the police as others have suggested. Your son may not thank you for it now, but he will in the future.

Report to the police! You're being weirdly blase about a man grooming and raping your 15 year old child.

He "says " he is 23 but could easily be older. I might contact him on tiktok and let him know that he is sleeping with a 15 year old and that if he doesn't break it off immediately you will go to the police?

Great, but you also need to inform the police about this man, who's details you have, who is having sex with children. So that even if you can support your child through it, they have a chance of putting it on record so that when it happens again... because it will... there is already some detail.

Please.

The title of this thread really caught my attention because I was once that 15 year old, although at that point I was a young woman in a relationship with an older man.

As a parent of three, the youngest of whom is a similar age, I can relate to your sense of fear over pushing your son away. At the same time, the adult in me wishes that the adults in my life had spoken up and intervened when I was a child in a relationship with a controlling, abusive adult man. I now feel so let down by them, and they were very aware of the relationship so it wasn't the case that I'd hidden it and they weren't to know. I'd urge you to open up the conversation with your son, and wish you all the very best.

OP I echo everything people upthread have already said.

Your son may not understand now - he is hormonal and probably in lust or love but the fall out is something you can work through in to the future. For now, safeguarding is key. Once this 23YO gets bored of your son, he will move on to someone else, likely also young.

Take screenshots of the messages between then and now - you need the proof and once they find out what’s happened they might try to delete their chat history.

I would also check his photos, hidden photos folder too in case they have been exchanging photos. That’s another thing to report.

This is not his boyfriend - it's his groomer.

This man needs to be in prison.

No person in their early 20s, of any sex, should be sleeping with a 15 year old (of either sex).