Page 3 | DS meeting men on apps

SadieBetty · 2025-12-04T11:12:28+00:00

We have recently found out that DS is gay, he is 18 and at University. I did have a feeling but wasn’t sure. I now know that he has been having sex for years, I am horrified to be honest. He is using apps to meet up with men at university and doesn’t see why I find this a problem. We live in a fairly small town and I now realise that he was doing this at home also. don’t have an issue with him being gay but I can’t have him in my house while meeting up with men, as I now know he was doing before he went to university. I need advice.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 12:18

Niminy · 04/12/2025 11:46

You don’t meet romantic partners on Grindr. You meet men for hookups. I can quite see why you would be shocked at your son doing this. What’s so wonderful about virtually anonymous casual sex? It’s definitely something gay men do but no reason why you should want it your son doing it in your house.

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He's not doing it in her house. He's doing it elsewhere, as he is entitled to do, because he is an adult and his sex life is nothing to do with his mother.

How did you actually find out about this, OP? How do you know who he's meeting when he's at university or how long he's been having sex for?

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/12/2025 12:18

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 11:36

I would have a problem with any child meeting men for sex , I would have no problem with him dating etc . But I do have a problem with him meeting up with men just for sex. I would love him to have a boyfriend.

I agree, tbh. The idea of young people with little experience of life meeting up with complete strangers purely for sex is horrific to me.

No problem whatsoever if my kids were gay.

surreygirly · 04/12/2025 12:19

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 11:36

I would have a problem with any child meeting men for sex , I would have no problem with him dating etc . But I do have a problem with him meeting up with men just for sex. I would love him to have a boyfriend.

Why he is 18
Most if us just want sex and fun at that age to explore

Menapausemum1974 · 04/12/2025 12:20

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 12:16

I don’t think most gay youth men live their life on Grindr, maybe I’m naive. He has been doing this for quite some time long before he left home and before he was 18.

I almost feel it’s homophonic to assume all gay men act like this, possibly meeting men in secret for sex was the only option once but today most young gay men seem to date just like any other teens.

@SadieBetty from my experience lots of gay men act just like this especially when they first come out! Some continue with that lifestyle indefinitely and others settle into loving relationships

surreygirly · 04/12/2025 12:21

I guess that is why he did not tell you about his sexuality
He is an adult
Keep your nose out of his business
We all meet people are are not suitable it is part of developing into adulthood

seveneight · 04/12/2025 12:22

I would be very concerned if my 18yo son (or daughter) was meeting men for sex like this. It feels like very risky behaviour. That's not homophobic!

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 12:23

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 12:16

I don’t think most gay youth men live their life on Grindr, maybe I’m naive. He has been doing this for quite some time long before he left home and before he was 18.

I almost feel it’s homophonic to assume all gay men act like this, possibly meeting men in secret for sex was the only option once but today most young gay men seem to date just like any other teens.

Not all gay men do this. Nobody is saying that. But many do. Your son is one of them, and that's up to him. He can have as much sex as he likes, with whoever he likes, because he is a grown adult man. He's not a school kid any more.

today most young gay men seem to date just like any other teens

That's the side their parents see. You have no idea what else young adults (gay or straight) are doing in private, because, unsurprisingly, they don't chat to their mums about the sex lives. Some will date.

Some will have hook-ups. Some will do both.

None of it is their parents' business.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 12:25

seveneight · 04/12/2025 12:22

I would be very concerned if my 18yo son (or daughter) was meeting men for sex like this. It feels like very risky behaviour. That's not homophobic!

You could be as concerned as you wanted, but it still be wouldn't be reasonable to tell them they weren't allowed to do it.

beAsensible1 · 04/12/2025 12:25

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 12:16

I don’t think most gay youth men live their life on Grindr, maybe I’m naive. He has been doing this for quite some time long before he left home and before he was 18.

I almost feel it’s homophonic to assume all gay men act like this, possibly meeting men in secret for sex was the only option once but today most young gay men seem to date just like any other teens.

OP everyone is different and approaches sex and relationships differently.

If he isn’t interested in dating heteronormativly you can’t bully him into being a different person.

it can be sad to find out your child isn’t the person you want them to be or behaves in a way that you don’t think is best.

but all you can do once they reach adulthood is have frank conversations and move on.

have a conversation with him, it sound like you are piecing things together based on tidbits of information.

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 04/12/2025 12:26

His sex life is precisely none of your business!

CitizenofMoronia · 04/12/2025 12:26

I think you'll find that, given the option, a good many men, gay or otherwise, would jump at the opportunity to just hook up for sex; it's only because it's harder to act like that with women unless there is some financial transaction to the meeting.

surreygirly · 04/12/2025 12:26

Some young people want to meet an older experienced person who "knows what to do" so to speak
We all have our preferences

beAsensible1 · 04/12/2025 12:28

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 12:23

Not all gay men do this. Nobody is saying that. But many do. Your son is one of them, and that's up to him. He can have as much sex as he likes, with whoever he likes, because he is a grown adult man. He's not a school kid any more.

today most young gay men seem to date just like any other teens

That's the side their parents see. You have no idea what else young adults (gay or straight) are doing in private, because, unsurprisingly, they don't chat to their mums about the sex lives. Some will date.

Some will have hook-ups. Some will do both.

None of it is their parents' business.

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This.

lots of people may be dating or have a boyfriend they bring home. But theyre open and at sex clubs on the weekend. Or they could be baking bread and taking the dog on walks.

you would have no idea either way. You know what they tell you. Same with straight couples

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 12:28

@SadieBetty

How did you find out about this? Because it seems unlikely that your son just announced to you that he regularly goes out to meet anonymous men and fuck them. How have you discovered that your adult son is on Grindr (or whatever app he prefers) and how have you discovered how he uses it?

EBearhug · 04/12/2025 12:32

You can say you do not want random hookup partners in your house, whether male or female. You can't stop him having random hookups.

You can tell him you're worried about sexual health and physical health, risk of assault, etc, but you still can't stop him.

You might prefer him to have a steady partner, but you can't force him. Plus some people have more than one sexual partner even when they're in a steady relationship.

Even before Grindr, people went out to clubs and stuff. Casual hookups may be easier with the internet and apps, but they certainly weren't invented by them.

Dollymylove · 04/12/2025 12:32

surreygirly · 04/12/2025 12:26

Some young people want to meet an older experienced person who "knows what to do" so to speak
We all have our preferences

Would these be the same "older person who knows what they are doing" which, if its an older man dating young girls, unleashes outrage and horror on mumsnet , calling for said older man to be strung from the nearest tree by his testicles?
And if not, why not?

Original poster

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 12:42

That’s too much detail to share @BauhausOfEliott , but I know because ihe told me in the end.

OP posts:

Ahfiddlesticks · 04/12/2025 12:48

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 12:16

I don’t think most gay youth men live their life on Grindr, maybe I’m naive. He has been doing this for quite some time long before he left home and before he was 18.

I almost feel it’s homophonic to assume all gay men act like this, possibly meeting men in secret for sex was the only option once but today most young gay men seem to date just like any other teens.

Maybe it's the people I know, but the vast vast majority of single people I know are loving life on grindr and tinder! Lots are only looking for sex.

I think it's fine for you to say he can't bring people home, but you can't really control what an adult does outside of the home, he isn't doing anything illegal.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 12:53

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 12:42

That’s too much detail to share @BauhausOfEliott , but I know because ihe told me in the end.

He told you 'in the end' - so, after you'd questioned him about his sex life? Why were you asking him in the first place? Did you snoop through his stuff/phone? Or did someone gossip about him to you and you then questioned him?

Or did he do something illegal and get brought home by the police, in which case that would clearly be a ridiculous level of drip-feeding on your part?

This is all pretty weird, to be honest and doesn't really add up.

MissDoubleU · 04/12/2025 12:55

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 12:16

I don’t think most gay youth men live their life on Grindr, maybe I’m naive. He has been doing this for quite some time long before he left home and before he was 18.

I almost feel it’s homophonic to assume all gay men act like this, possibly meeting men in secret for sex was the only option once but today most young gay men seem to date just like any other teens.

Yes they do, if they wish. Some young gay men (and also straight men, and also women of all orientations) enjoy regular casual sex. Its not your place to judge how he chooses to live.

Maybe he doesn’t want a boyfriend right now. Maybe he’s focused on his studies at university. His casual encounters haven’t seemed to stop him achieving.

Cucy · 04/12/2025 12:55

I completely understand why you are so concerned.

Having regular sex with strangers is risky and I’d be concerned for my DD.

But I cannot judge because I used to go home with a guy after a nightclub and had a lot of fun doing so.
I definitely put myself at risk many times, even more so than if I was using an app but I would say many people have casual sex.

I would remind him about being careful sexually but that also these men may be dangerous (although unlikely).
Tell him you don’t want strangers in your home.

MissDoubleU · 04/12/2025 12:57

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 12:53

He told you 'in the end' - so, after you'd questioned him about his sex life? Why were you asking him in the first place? Did you snoop through his stuff/phone? Or did someone gossip about him to you and you then questioned him?

Or did he do something illegal and get brought home by the police, in which case that would clearly be a ridiculous level of drip-feeding on your part?

This is all pretty weird, to be honest and doesn't really add up.

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The fact OP seems freaked out by her living in a small town and who he may or may not have slept with from that town is just weird.

OP respectfully you’re being judgy at best and quite creepy at worst. Leave your DS alone.

rwalker · 04/12/2025 12:59

These apps are for sex not relationships
he’s presumably messaging them he’s meeting them for sex he’s not different to the rest of them on the app ( which isn’t wrong)

Lightuptheroom · 04/12/2025 13:10

Firstly, he's not a child, he's over 18 and legally allowed to sleep with whoever he wants, whenever and wherever he wants. You are able to define that you don't want him doing casual relationships in your home, does this include not wanting him living with you? If it does then you need to be clear on your 'house rules' so that he is clear what his options are. My mum never allowed anyone to sleep together under her roof unless they were married , fair enough, we all understood the rule and went elsewhere!
As to the safety, that's something he needs to read up on and learn for himself, perhaps meeting in public etc is part of his own safety plan, respectfully as he's over 18 and away at uni anyway there's nothing you can do about it. You can always have a chat about keeping safe and not putting himself in harms way the same as I do with my 23 yr old son, but that's really all other than being specific about what behaviours you don't have in your home (if he has siblings then it needs to be the same rules for everyone)
I realise a large part of this is you getting your head around the situation (my son is trans so do understand) but be careful of sliding into homophobia because you can't understand why he's opting for seemingly 'casual' relationships

DeftGoldHedgehog · 04/12/2025 13:17

I don't think it's wrong to worry about your kids engaging in potentially risky behaviour, straight or gay, male or female. Having lots of casual sex with randoms has plenty of risks attached. And it sounds like he was doing this at a younger age than 18 so when he was a kid, even if over the age of consent.

I wouldn't want to get involved in my DCs sex lives but I would certainly have a conversation with him about it and make sure he is ok. The younger they are, even if they are adults, they are more vulnerable and open to exploitation, abuse, control etc. He is only just an adult.