DS meeting men on apps

[SadieBetty]

We have recently found out that DS is gay, he is 18 and at University. I did have a feeling but wasn’t sure. I now know that he has been having sex for years, I am horrified to be honest.

He is using apps to meet up with men at university and doesn’t see why I find this a problem. We live in a fairly small town and I now realise that he was doing this at home also. don’t have an issue with him being gay but I can’t have him in my house while meeting up with men, as I now know he was doing before he went to university.

I need advice.

My gay male friends usually meet their partners by having casual sex snd clubbing together. Next thing they know they've been doing it for years, the dog calls them both Daddy and they decide they'd like a wedding.

You don’t meet romantic partners on Grindr. You meet men for hookups. I can quite see why you would be shocked at your son doing this. What’s so wonderful about virtually anonymous casual sex? It’s definitely something gay men do but no reason why you should want it your son doing it in your house.

Should probably keep your nose out of his sex life. He’s 18 and technically an adult so you should leave him to it he won’t listen to you anyway.

I think you need to be very clear on your rationale before you discuss with DS.

Is it:

You don't want casual sexual partners in your home as it feels disrespectful and therefore it's a blanket ban on anyone who isn't a steady partner? (Not the approach I would choose, but the reason my parents gave when I was that age, as it was "what they had lived by" when younger)

You have a specific issue with unknown men, because of a safety risk to you/your home, which you wouldn't feel applicable to an unknown female? Do you have daughters? Would/does this rule apply to them? If yes, then that's your prerogative (although I would suggest heavy handed unless you have a significant history that would cause justification for why this made you uncomfortable) If no, then it's a problem with him being gay.

You don't like the idea of any child of yours having casual sex and are trying to control/prevent this? This is not your call to make, and it's not your business. You also won't stop him, you'll just drive it underground and he'll be having sex in all manner of unsuitable places, like the back of a van in a car park (ask me how I know)

Whether you are ok with him having done this before uni, when technically a child, is immaterial as he is now an adult, and no longer "a child meeting men" he is a man meeting other men.

Why on earth would you assume he's having sex in public?? That's quite a leap.

OP, you need to educate yourself about the variety of gay lifestyles. This is pretty common behaviour for gay men.

It depends upon the age of these men imho.
If they are of a similar age then probably dont worry too much.
If these are much older men you may be concerned, just as you would if it was your daughter meeting much older men (or women for that matter)

This is it exactly.

I too have a gay son, and would share your concern. I shared a house with several gay men for years and I know how much casual sex they can have. They were my friends and adults, but that doesn’t mean I had to approve of it. I certainly feel that gay male sexual culture is pretty different to most women’s expectations of dating. Who wants to think of their beloved son having soulless casual sex, or even worse, God forbid, being involved in chemsex.

If you don’t like the idea of meeting strange men just for sex, then just don’t do it yourself! That’s fine - you make choices for you. You do not get make them for other adults, though. To try and impose your own sexual preferences & moral/social beliefs on an adult child is oppressive and will drive him away at a time when he needs support. The message he will pick up from you is that his sexual feelings are dirty- is this really the message you want to send? Really? Is that constructive or kind or loving?

Do you ever do sexual things he might find icky? How would you feel if he started telling you off for them? That he was invasive, inappropriate, lacking boundaries, unduly invested in your sex life? Because that’s what he’ll feel if you kick off about this.

Just try talking to him about safety instead if that’s what you are worried about- what the possible risks are, and how to guard against it.

Plus of course you are perfectly entitled to say you don’t want strange adults he barely knows being allowed into your house.

By the way I really doubt he’s having sex ‘in public’ ie in the middle of the supermarket. I think you should examine yourself for homophobia because it does seem to be what is leaking out in wording like this. It’s not very pleasant.

You need to keep your nose out of his private life. He’s an adult and he can have as much casual sex with anyone he pleases, as long as they’re all consenting adults.

Casual sex is very common on the gay scene.

He is not a child. You have no business knowing about his private life.

Mind your own business, OP. You’re far too invested in what your adult son gets up to in the bedroom.

I think you need to get your head straight on this (pardon the pun!). You have not articulated your concerns well here and if you try to talk with your son about this now he will likely think you are homophobic.

[Edited: as I had not read OP properly.]

Are the partners a significant number of years older? Is this what you have a problem with most? What is the age gap you would find more acceptable?

Is it purely the casual nature of the encounters Vs sex in a relationship? This is a valid point of discussion imo, but still an individual choice that he is allowed to make.

His sexual choices are his alone and you cannot really ban him from your house for this... You can express your opinion but if you go down the route of not welcoming him into your home then what happens when your concerns about his behaviour "come true" and he ends up in trouble emotionally, physically etc and cannot come to you for help?

Your son is an adult and you morally judging him the way you so clearly are is not acceptable. He can have whatever sex he wishes with whomever he chooses. Saying you don’t want him in your house knowing he has casual sexual encounters implies you think he is “dirty” in some way.

He is clearly being smart enough and not bringing random men to your home or his own dorm.

It’s really absolutely none of your business what his sex life entails.

Not wanting him to bring random hook ups to your house is fair enough. But saying he is not allowed to hace sex elsewhere while he lives at houses house is unreasonable.

You specifically mentioned small town, is this about other people finding out?

Well maybe that's it. It isn't for or about us. It's about men. We don't have to understand it. It isn't about our expectations. We can't ever have a gay male relationship so why should they matter?

I think the differences in how gay men date and form relationships are probably oriented around the fact that pregnancy isn't relevant and until very recently, nor was a formal family unit of any kind.

This isn't untrue of lesbians - it's just that they are women so misogyny plays its part in still making the irrelevant, relevant.

And of course reproductive technology making advances gives everyone more options.

https://m.youtube.com/shorts/SEDVEpmy6Wo

Related comedy clip.

He’s an adult. Let him live his life. You can say you don’t want any casual partners at yours but don’t bang on about children meeting men as you have on here because otherwise you’re likely to lose your son.

I don't even know where to start with this... "He is presumably meeting men in public for sex." Why in public?? Hotels, the other men's homes? He is an adult, get your judgemental nose out of his private life, or you'll ruin your relationship with him.

Given that the OP uses the word ‘dorm’ in relation to her son’s university accommodation, we must assume she is either not in the UK, or that her programming is faulty.

Ok , you've found out your 18 year old has had a sex life for years ? 2 years , not so bad , 5 years ? Not so good.
I assumed you mean that you didn't want him to bring random men into your house ( random to him also ) I got that , I wouldn't like to have random men in my house either that my son had just picked up . Unsafe for him , potentially unsafe for you and your house.
However , if that's what he wants to do , then you have to close your eyes to it , he's an adult , he can do as he wishes . But under your roof , your rules .
And that should be for males or females .

Or that she is an immigrant who could have been in the UK for years but still reverts to some terms from her own mother tongue/when she originally learned English.

Your stance regarding your own home is fair.

I would make sure DS had access to information about keeping himself safe from disease and violence.

The OP is completely allowed to disagree with his lifestyle choices. She is also allowed to not have him in her house if she doesn't like his lifestyle and he won't compromise.

She obviously feels uncomfortable knowing that every time he rushes out the house he's probably off for another hook up. I'd feel uncomfortable too, whether it was my son or daughter.

You have to be prepared though OP that you might hardly see him if you do put your foot down.

He is presumably meeting men in public for sex

You have no idea where he's actually meeting them or where the sex takes place, and it's none of your business.

Using dating apps for sexual hook-ups is very common among gay men.

Are you in the US? Very unusual these days for UK students to share rooms.

I don’t think most gay youth men live their life on Grindr, maybe I’m naive. He has been doing this for quite some time long before he left home and before he was 18.

I almost feel it’s homophonic to assume all gay men act like this, possibly meeting men in secret for sex was the only option once but today most young gay men seem to date just like any other teens.