DS meeting men on apps

[SadieBetty]

We have recently found out that DS is gay, he is 18 and at University. I did have a feeling but wasn’t sure. I now know that he has been having sex for years, I am horrified to be honest.

He is using apps to meet up with men at university and doesn’t see why I find this a problem. We live in a fairly small town and I now realise that he was doing this at home also. don’t have an issue with him being gay but I can’t have him in my house while meeting up with men, as I now know he was doing before he went to university.

I need advice.

Can you clarify - was he taking the men to your house and this is your issue, or is it that you don't want him in your home while he's meeting up with guys elsewhere?

"I don't have an issue with him being gay"

You clearly do.

If he was meeting women for sex that would be ok, but other men is unacceptable. That's homophobia 101.

Poor kid.

Just say you don’t want him bringing romantic partners that you don’t know back to the family home. Don’t make it a gay thing. Then when he is in a relationship you can get to know them.

Why can he not meet men if he is living with you ?

So why do you have a problem?

Would you feel the same if he was meeting up with women? Do you have a reason to think he's not practicing safe sex?

Fine to say he can't bring anyone to your house. But otherwise, it's none of your business. Saying he can't be in your house because he is gay is clearly homphobic. He's an adult now.

This is a you problem op.

Err, massively homophobic. Poor lad.

Don’t be so ridiculous. The op is upset about casual encounters and the danger her son is putting himself in by meeting random adult men.

Is it that he wants to bring people back to your house for sex. For me that's a no whether it's male or female.

If it's that you don't want him living at home if he's also going to date then that's a completely different issue and comes down to your discomfort with his sexuality. Im not going to say homophobia because its not an easy thing to get to grips with if as a parent if you didn't suspect.

Don't ruin your relationship with your child though.

I read it as "I don't want random men that he doesn't know and we certainly don't know" coming to the house. Men are by nature more likely to be violent / dangerous than women. It's not about him being gay, it's about the risk of strange men in the house.

He’s an adult. He is free to meet up and hook up with whoever he pleases.

Fine to say you don’t want him bringing men back to your house while he’s there. But to say he can’t stay in your house?! Totally unreasonable.

I would have a problem with any child meeting men for sex , I would have no problem with him dating etc . But I do have a problem with him meeting up with men just for sex. I would love him to have a boyfriend.

But thats a different conversation. It would be the same presumably if she had a daughter who was meeting up with men on dating apps.

The OP is saying she doesn't want him in the house which I suspect she wouldn't be saying if her daughter was using dating apps.

So you won't allow him in your house unless you approve of his sex life?

He's young, lots of youngsters explore their sexuality before getting into a relationship.

My DD is straight and at uni and has also used dating apps to meet men ever since arriving at uni. It’s what even the young do these days. Is your concern related to dating apps in general, the specific one your DS is using (is it Grindr?) or the fact that he’s gay?

He's not a child. He's an adult. He can have as much sex as he likes with anyone he wants. He doesn't see 'why this is a problem' because it isn't a problem.

Unless he's bringing men back to your house - which I assume he isn't - It's absolutely none of your business what he does with anyone.

erm, lot of people at university hook up with many people for sex.

straight men hook up with straight women and vice versa, gay men hook up with gay men and gay women hook up with gay men.

it’s not entirely clear what your issue is.

do you want him never to come home again? Is this because he is using apps to meet men for sex? Would you feel the same if he was meeting women for sex?

That's what online dating is though? The majority of young people find relationships via meeting random adults from the internet.

Dating apps are not really the problem, meeting strangers for sex is. I know that he was doing this at home, presumably the sex wherever he often rushed off to .He doesn’t bring men back to his dorm , he roommate doesn’t even know he is gay. He is presumably meeting men in public for sex.

You’re being ridiculous. So many young people meet others for sex, I know I did!

He’s not a child. He is an adult.

It’s really not up to you whether he has casual sex or not. If you don’t want him bringing casual sexual partners home that’s fine.

but meeting people on apps is pretty normal. Maybe he doesn’t want a boyfriend yet, if he is newly out and exploring it’s up to him. It’s not really your business unless he is being unsafe.

banning him from home because he has casual sex is a pretty big deal frankly. And will seem homophobic…

Or going to their homes? Why do you assume it’s in public?

is there any evidence of it being in public?

Why would you not assume that he is going to the guys house instead of shagging outdoors?

The more you say, the more evident it is that you are homophobic.