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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

DS meeting men on apps

104 replies

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 11:12

We have recently found out that DS is gay, he is 18 and at University. I did have a feeling but wasn’t sure. I now know that he has been having sex for years, I am horrified to be honest.

He is using apps to meet up with men at university and doesn’t see why I find this a problem. We live in a fairly small town and I now realise that he was doing this at home also. don’t have an issue with him being gay but I can’t have him in my house while meeting up with men, as I now know he was doing before he went to university.

I need advice.

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 13:20

All the people saying 'I would also be worried about my adult DS/DD if they were meeting people for casual sex' are, I think, rather glossing over this part of the OP's initial post:

"I can’t have him in my house while meeting up with men"

She isn't just 'concerned' about him. She is literally proposing to ban him from her home because he has consensual casual sex elsewhere in his own private time.

That's not mere 'concern'. It's trying to actively police another adult's sex life.

calkel · 04/12/2025 13:29

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 11:36

I would have a problem with any child meeting men for sex , I would have no problem with him dating etc . But I do have a problem with him meeting up with men just for sex. I would love him to have a boyfriend.

You don’t get to control that and I’m honestly horrified you would not have him in your house because of it.

Niminy · 04/12/2025 13:33

Someone of 18 is legally an adult, but there is lots of evidence to show that our brains don't fully mature until the mid-20s. Just because you can't stop your child having casual sex doesn't mean you have to think it's good for them. It doesn't mean you don't love your gay son if you don't love the way he is living.

Casual sex does carry a risks - of STDs and of physical danger. I know gay men who've been raped/hurt in casual sexual encounters. It's all too easy to get yourself into a situation you don't want to be in. You don't stop worrying about your children when they're adults, and it's worse because there's little you can do about the worry.

There are a lot of people on this thread who are saying, none of your business/casual sex is great/OP is homophobic/OP is judgy. But what do we long for for our children? One of the main things is that they make loving, lasting relationships. I certainly don't long for mine to spend their lives going from one sexual encounter with a stranger to another. I couldn't stop them doing it, and I'd hope that it was a phase. But it's not wrong for me not to like it or to think it's ultimately not good for them.

Greenwitchart · 04/12/2025 13:45

OP you need to take a deep breath.

Your son is gay, 18 and at University. It is perfectly normal for students, gay or straight to enjoy their freedom rather than look for a steady partner.

I would tell your son that you are pleased that he trusted you enough to open up to you and that as a parent you hope he is sensible and thinks about his safety when using online dating/ apps like Grindr and that you hope he will eventually meet a man he really likes.

I think you need to accept your son is an adult and can conduct his love and sex life as he wishes.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 13:52

there is lots of evidence to show that our brains don't fully mature until the mid-20s

That's completely untrue. That myth always gets trotted out on Mumsnet and it's simply not the case.

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 04/12/2025 13:54

Niminy · 04/12/2025 13:33

Someone of 18 is legally an adult, but there is lots of evidence to show that our brains don't fully mature until the mid-20s. Just because you can't stop your child having casual sex doesn't mean you have to think it's good for them. It doesn't mean you don't love your gay son if you don't love the way he is living.

Casual sex does carry a risks - of STDs and of physical danger. I know gay men who've been raped/hurt in casual sexual encounters. It's all too easy to get yourself into a situation you don't want to be in. You don't stop worrying about your children when they're adults, and it's worse because there's little you can do about the worry.

There are a lot of people on this thread who are saying, none of your business/casual sex is great/OP is homophobic/OP is judgy. But what do we long for for our children? One of the main things is that they make loving, lasting relationships. I certainly don't long for mine to spend their lives going from one sexual encounter with a stranger to another. I couldn't stop them doing it, and I'd hope that it was a phase. But it's not wrong for me not to like it or to think it's ultimately not good for them.

Kindly, you're making assumptions. I am sex positive, and I see no issue with my DC having casual sex at any stage in their lives that they find it fulfilling. As long as they are safe, sane and consensual, they have my blessing to do what they will. Our brains don't fully mature until 25 but our bodies do, and having sex is a pretty basic human function and drive that kicks in a lot earlier than 18 for most people.

blankcanvas3 · 04/12/2025 14:20

You would be absolutely horrified if you found out what I was up to as a teenager. He’s 18! He’s allowed to meet up with men for sex if he wants to! Also, maybe the men he’s having sex with have their own places so he’s shagging them there. I doubt he’s spending his days in a back alley somewhere. These assumptions are homophobic and you will lose your son

Elektra1 · 04/12/2025 14:55

@SadieBettydo you have any gay male friends? If so, I’d have a conversation with them about what
is and isn’t “normal behaviour” re dating apps and casual sex.

I’m a gay woman. Some of my friends are gay men. They all use, or have at some point used, Grindr for casual hook-ups. Despite being middle aged, it’s common for them to be approached by much younger men on Grindr for sex. Likewise young gay men also arrange to meet each other for sex via Grindr. Casual sex is very much a normal part of the “scene”. Not that all gay men do that, but a lot do.

Since you aren’t going to be able to deter your son from doing this if that’s what he wants to do as a young adult, I would focus on talking to him about keeping himself safe and perhaps starting PrEP.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 04/12/2025 14:58

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 13:20

All the people saying 'I would also be worried about my adult DS/DD if they were meeting people for casual sex' are, I think, rather glossing over this part of the OP's initial post:

"I can’t have him in my house while meeting up with men"

She isn't just 'concerned' about him. She is literally proposing to ban him from her home because he has consensual casual sex elsewhere in his own private time.

That's not mere 'concern'. It's trying to actively police another adult's sex life.

I didn't take it that way and thought she meant she didn't want him bringing random men home, which is fair, IMO, whether he was male or female and doing that.

Boxfreshrussell · 04/12/2025 15:14

I completely understand your worries OP. 18 is still very young even though it may be considered an adult. All you can do is speak to him about the dangers of meeting people he doesn’t know for sex. It puts him in a very vulnerable position. It has nothing to do with him being gay, I would certainly feel exactly the same if my child was meeting men or women in a similar scenario. Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same. Would he feel concerned for your safety? Worrying about your child’s safety doesn’t make you homophobic.

sprigatito · 04/12/2025 15:16

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 11:36

I would have a problem with any child meeting men for sex , I would have no problem with him dating etc . But I do have a problem with him meeting up with men just for sex. I would love him to have a boyfriend.

That’s not your call to make. He’s an adult and he has the right to make his own choices. The only thing your attitude will achieve is to destroy your relationship with him, and ensure that you’re not the one he turns to if he ever does need help.

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 04/12/2025 15:41

Why do you want to know all about his sex life? Leave him to it, what cock he finds on apps in his spare time isn't your business.

Retro12 · 04/12/2025 16:17

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 11:12

We have recently found out that DS is gay, he is 18 and at University. I did have a feeling but wasn’t sure. I now know that he has been having sex for years, I am horrified to be honest.

He is using apps to meet up with men at university and doesn’t see why I find this a problem. We live in a fairly small town and I now realise that he was doing this at home also. don’t have an issue with him being gay but I can’t have him in my house while meeting up with men, as I now know he was doing before he went to university.

I need advice.

I'm struggling to understand what your issue is here. It sounds like you have a problem with him being gay, which is incomprehensible. You need to give your head a wobble!

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 16:25

DeftGoldHedgehog · 04/12/2025 14:58

I didn't take it that way and thought she meant she didn't want him bringing random men home, which is fair, IMO, whether he was male or female and doing that.

Edited
Show quote history

If you read the rest of her posts, she makes it clear that he has never brought a man home - he doesn't even bring them to his accommodation at university, let alone the family home. Her issue is that she disapproves of him meeting men 'just for sex', wherever he does it.

user927464 · 04/12/2025 16:33

OP are you in the US? I'm assuming you are with references to dorms and roommates.

BillieWiper · 04/12/2025 16:36

It's reasonable to say you don't want him bringing strangers back to your house. But equally if he did meet someone on an app, chatted for a few days then met up and you questioned it, he could just introduce the person as a friend. You wouldn't know any difference?

He's entitled to a sex life. Both men and women of 18 use dating apps. You can't really ban him from doing so. That's unreasonable.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/12/2025 17:17

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 12:16

I don’t think most gay youth men live their life on Grindr, maybe I’m naive. He has been doing this for quite some time long before he left home and before he was 18.

I almost feel it’s homophonic to assume all gay men act like this, possibly meeting men in secret for sex was the only option once but today most young gay men seem to date just like any other teens.

It's a man thing, not a gay man thing.

Generalising, men are much more likely to enjoy no strings attached sex than women are. Most single men would be up for some no strings attached sex with someone they barely know.

The only difference between straight men and gay men is that gay mens preferred partners are also more likely to be up for some no strings attached sex. Because they're men.

Your adult son is out living his life @SadieBetty . Given that he's not bringing anyone back to your house, then his sex life has absolutely no affect on you whatsoever. So why do you think you need any input on it.

Lovelyview · 04/12/2025 17:27

There's definitely a casual sex culture on the gay male dating scene - I don't think it's homophobic to acknowledge that. I don't think op is homophobic to be upset that her young son has been hooking up with random men for sex for a while. Having sex with strangers puts a young person in a vulnerable position. Now he's 18 you can't do anything op apart from ask him to stay as safe as he can. Do you get the feeling he has friends who would look out for him?

Btowngirl · 04/12/2025 17:32

There is a lot of assumptions here.

  1. Why would anyone assume that their son is having sex in public?
  2. I don’t know many gay men who haven’t been on Grindr at some point or another
  3. I have gay friends who have met casually on Grindr & become serious
  4. the gay community is very sexually liberated and I am not sure it’s really the place for mums to have much detail without causing pearl clutching. What’s the point in delving into this op? Ensure he is practicing safe sex, someone knows where he is going, maybe consider going onto prep and definitely using condoms. But no need to ask other questions. Would you ask a daughter about her sex life?
  5. Did he tell you off his own back or were you asking? I would say it’s good he’s spoken to you about it, but if you have reacted like this to him I’m not sure if it is a good thing or whether he will again

Ultimately if you don’t want him in your house, that’s your perogative. Completely reasonable not to bring people back but it seems like he’s respectful in that way anyway. I don’t know how you could come back from kicking him out though.

DaisyChain505 · 04/12/2025 17:34

I don’t really see what you need advice on?

Your son is an adult and has free rein over his sexual desires and activity.

Dating apps are commonly used for hooking up casually and as long as both parties know the deal there is absolutely no issue.

He’s a young adult exploring and taking control of his sexuality. Good on him.

Velveletteslonleylonelygirlami · 04/12/2025 19:27

Boxfreshrussell · 04/12/2025 15:14

I completely understand your worries OP. 18 is still very young even though it may be considered an adult. All you can do is speak to him about the dangers of meeting people he doesn’t know for sex. It puts him in a very vulnerable position. It has nothing to do with him being gay, I would certainly feel exactly the same if my child was meeting men or women in a similar scenario. Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same. Would he feel concerned for your safety? Worrying about your child’s safety doesn’t make you homophobic.

Especially if it's older men he could be forced into situations beyond his boundaries also there are a lot of dangerous individuals out there.

Newsenmum · 04/12/2025 19:29

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 11:36

I would have a problem with any child meeting men for sex , I would have no problem with him dating etc . But I do have a problem with him meeting up with men just for sex. I would love him to have a boyfriend.

The fact he was doing it under 18 is very concerning. But why are you banning him from your house? That makes no sense.

Newsenmum · 04/12/2025 19:31

SadieBetty · 04/12/2025 12:16

I don’t think most gay youth men live their life on Grindr, maybe I’m naive. He has been doing this for quite some time long before he left home and before he was 18.

I almost feel it’s homophonic to assume all gay men act like this, possibly meeting men in secret for sex was the only option once but today most young gay men seem to date just like any other teens.

I still don’t understand why he isnt allowed in your house. Surely if he’s safe home with you that’s better?

CoralPombear · 04/12/2025 19:32

I don’t think op has a problem with his sexuality it’s more that these aren’t romantic partners, just multiple hook ups. In much the same way, I would take a serious boyfriend back to my parents’ home but as my dad often told my frankly disrespectful brother “It’s not a bloody knocking shop!” Grin

Keroppi · 04/12/2025 19:38

Enquire about condoms and PRep. He should be taking prep as a preventative for HIV
Grindr has lots of young people on there. But the fact he's meeting them at theirs sort of suggests it may be older men/men who may be with women or not out

Perhaps encourage him into the LGBT society or gay clubs and bars. Organically make friends to keep himself protected. I'd be scared of hate crimes and safety in the dark/public, same as any DC at uni
Uber gift cards for safety.. emergency cash on him.. close friends having his location etc

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