Advice needed

[Stirring2]

I hope someone can help, my son has recently come out, I did have my suspicions but I wasn’t completely sure. He is a very studious boy and has just started university. He did spend hours in his room studying and he ended up with 4A*’s , I always worried that he didn’t have any very close friends but he got along with everyone at school he just didn’t meet up at the weekends etc like others seem to. He said he wanted top results and needed to put in the work. He has always been very popular with teachers at school and everyone we know thinks he is almost too mature for his years. He comes across a lovely person when you meet him. He now has friends at university and seems so happy.

He did like to go for long walks on his own , listening to music or a podcast. He would often walk for a couple of hours in the evening. I know that his might sound crazy but I am now worried that he might have been meeting men and putting himself at risk. I am crazy? I will be honest it’s a totally new world for both myself and husband.

How did you respond to him? Did you ask whether he likes anyone? Did you express any interest?

We thanked him for trusting us and told him how much we loved him. I did ask him if he liked someone and I just said did .I said he must be a lovely person if you like him. He’s not sure if it serious , I think they went out a couple of times since. He has lots of girl friends at university but had met lots of people guys and girls through the clubs he is involved in.

He seems so relieved that we know.

So he’s interested in someone and casually seeing them

focus on that rather than what might have happened in the past on these walks

and accept that the gay scene for men is different op than the hetero scene

That’s hard to do @Beattheblock for us. I know I have to but how do parents come to terms with it? I worry about HIV etc and also his mental health. It’s seems a tough lifestyle to me but I have a lot to learn.

Well he’s told you, you reacted well. His past is his past, it’s done, there’s no point you worrying about it. Kids are much more street wise that we parents give them credit for, I’m sure he’s able to look after himself.
Just move forward
Im sure there are many things I don’t know about my kids, and in all honesty probably wouldn’t want to know….. they’re fine….. that’s what matters

I think you’re really overthinking thinking this. He’ll be fine. Society is fine and accepting, my kids have many friends with all different preferences, honestly, no one cares

Thank you both xx

If he's sexually active he needs to get himself on prep to prevent hiv infection

I think you would do well to reframe your thinking on this. It’s not a “lifestyle” - it’s who he is and always has been. Lifestyle is a choice, being gay is not. Being gay does not mean he is any more or less likely to have mental health issues. HIV is now an entirely treatable condition. He is no more or less likely to contract this compared to any other STI.

How lovely that your son is experiencing those heady days of falling in love while at university, and how lovely that you have the open relationship in which he knows that this “news” will be received as it should be, with a smile and a hug and no fuss or consternation. It’s definitely a nothing burger to his friends I can assure you of that!

If it’s STDs you’re concerned about, you’re going to have to put your big girl pants on OP and start a chat with him

I am intending to when I next see him @Activealways . know that I need to do this.

I didn’t mean it like that @VanCleefArpels .
I know it’s who he is.

Honestly!!
He’s at uni…. He’ll know far more than @Stirring2 will ever know. That ship sailed when he was 15……

Don’t treat him like a child, he’s not. He’s acted as an adult in coming to you. Use that information carefully. Actually it shouldn’t make any difference what sexuality he is, would you be having that chat if he had a girlfriend?

Yes
fgs
I meant the op is worried
so she can sit down with him and express the worry about the gay scene and stds

🙄

I have four children, eldest 24, youngest 18. All I’ve ever said to them is don’t catch diseases, or make babies you don’t want!!
But go out, be careful and enjoy being young.
Of course I worry, but you have to trust that you’ve brought them up to make ok choices. Of course they’ll make mistakes, but we as parents can’t protect them from everything.
The fact that you’re worrying, suggests that you care, which in turn suggests that he’s had good grounding

Does he have any siblings?

No @Activealways

Only you know your son. But I will say, kids his age don’t like not being trusted. Show you care, love him whatever. By all means express your concern, (Personally I wouldn’t), but be careful not to overstep. He may not want to speak about it at all…. Don’t forget the worries you are having are yours, not necessarily his.

Thank you @Littlemissbubbblles that’s very good advice. I really appreciate it.

It’s great that you were positive to him, and that he can trust you. Make sure he knows that he‘s welcome to bring a boyfriend back to meet you if it gets to that stage of seriousness (and treat them exactly as you would a girlfriend). I know plenty of gay people in committed, long-term partnerships and marriages, and that could well be what your son wants too.
Also work on ensuring that your language remains positive: you said you had your suspicions, which makes it sound like a dirty secret. I get it’s just a turn of phrase, but it’s easy enough to say instead ‘Actually, I did wonder…‘ with a smile.

Was his father completely on same page as you op?

OP, can I ask is your family religious or otherwise socially conservative? Your language and concerns about 'the scene' and HIV suggest you need to really do some work internally on how you feel about your son's news. HIV and PrEP awareness and treatment is so, so good these days that actually heterosexual people are more at risk from HIV than gay men. Many gay men are in happy long term partnerships. I'm glad you were openly supportive but this isn't a "hard lifestyle" this is who your son is x

You have to love him wholeheartedly for who he is
Like I said, I have four… in a way I think that makes it easier because between the four of them I’ve seen and heard it all!! But of course the worries quadruple…… and, no you don’t love each one less! Somehow you just find more…..
The fact that he is an only child does make this harder on you…… but that’s the thing, it’s harder on you….. not on him, @Stirring2 that’s something you need to bear in mind. If you had been through it before it would be easier. That’s not his fault, so please don’t put that pressure on him. It will strain your relationship.
He’s gay, so what ……

Our 2nd DS came out at age 14 ( age 12 he said he was confused with his emotions and hormones and I said thats ok to feel confused, you’ll figure it all out and please talk to me and/or your Dad if you feel you want to)
When he was younger he loved all the Disney Princesses, Dora the Explorer, loved his Auntys high heel shoes, their make up, I dont wear much make up/wear heels, he was obsessed with mermaids, dancing , he was confident to explore all of his passions.
He’s now in his early 20’s, lived away since Uni, had a handful of relationships. He is happy and making the most of life, loves to travel in the UK, walks alot-I cant keep up !
All 3 of our children are loved exactly the same, we worry about them all, they’ll be ok tho , they know who to come to if needed.

I’m gay and have been on the scene since I was 17 years old and the scene for gay men was nothing like heterosexual dating. I think it has calmed down because when “it’s a sin” was on TV a young gay man at work asked me if it was really like that in the 90s and I assured him it was all that and more. But it’s a fact that gay man as a group are more promiscuous (eg: Grindr) and that unprotected anal sex is the highest risk activity for contracting HIV (higher than sharing needles). While it is treatable now, it’s obviously better not to catch it.

so yes, I’d be having a conversation about safe sex and the specifics of gay safe sex (anal strength condoms for example)