5 year old says they want to be a girl

[louise1makeup2]

hello, I was wondering if anyone could offer any advice or support?

i wanna say a month or two ago, I asked my son if we could get his hair cut. He said no he wants to be a girl. I asked him why he wanted to be a girl, he said he wanted to be like mammy and wear mammys coats. I said okay darling as I want to support him either way of course. When they’re so young it’s so hard to navigate it or my feelings.

i asked him again today if we could cut his hair as I wasn’t sure if it was just the moment thing. He said no. He said he can’t wait until his hair is longer so he can be a girl. He said he likes girls things.

he has said some other stuff but it’s been in passing so I can’t remember. It’s hard to know how I feel. It’s not about my feelings of course. As he comes first, I just don’t know what I’m doing if I’m doing the right thing. Like of course he can grow his hair out. I just don’t want to upset him if he does something right and say good boy or just carry on as he’s still so young. I know it could just be a phase but I am getting upset as he’s my only child and likely won’t be having another so I already feel like I’m grieving my little boy

Of course he can grow his hair
Of course he can like "girl things" (dolls?)
Of course he can wear dresses if he wants.

None of that makes him female.

Honestly at 5 I think you’re reading too much into this, he clearly loves his mummy and thinks how she looks and dresses is great. At that age the kids I knew wanted to be aliens and horses. Just love him however you currently are doing, you’re clearly doing a great job.

I understand where you’re coming from. This could be true. I just have a feeling, especially the way he’s saying it. He has a lot of resentment being a boy and is really sad whenever he’s called a boy

Don't make a big deal of it and most likely he'll grow out of it. Make sure you tell him that boys can have long hair too, maybe show him pictures of Sam Ryder or someone and point out that liking long hair doesn't make you a girl.

Thank you. I am an over thinker to be fair. I do just have a feeling though they way he’s saying a lot of it. Like he seems really upset whenever I call him a boy

That’s a good idea I’ll show him pictures of boys with long hair. I did try telling him earlier too that boys can have long hair. But he said back but I wanna be a girl I don’t wanna be a boy, when I tell him boys can have long hair

For goodness sake. He’s 5. Mine variously (and vehemently) wanted to be wolves, dinosaurs and princesses at that age.
Let him grow his hair out. Let him enjoy whatever toys and hobbies he wants. And keep reinforcing the idea that he’s a boy and it’s okay for boys to like and enjoy those things. Because he is a boy. And there’s no process by which any boy can be turned into a girl.

My 6 year old spends a significant part of the day being a guinea pig. I don't think it means that he will grow up and still want to be one. Just let him be a child, it's great that he loves you so much that he wants to be like you. If he doesn't grow out of it, that is a conversation for later in life.

What messages is he getting about boys and girls? Is he being told he can’t do something he likes to do because only girls do it? At preschool or nursery or wherever he goes?

he can’t become a girl, so you need to help him accept that fact, but I would try and find out why he’s saying it. Does he want to wear girls clothes or play with dolls and feels like he can’t do that? He can be a boy with long hair.

I understand where you’re coming from but it can get to a certain point where calling him a boy, when he feels like a girl, can be damaging. So I just wanna be aware and follow his lead.

I tried saying that once but he appeared even more upset when I said he isn’t a girl. That’s why I feel like this now, because I don’t want to upset him further

At 5 I wanted to be a horse, then a dog, then a boy. I’m quite grateful that I grew up in a time where these very normal phases were allowed to pass naturally.

Your son will always be a boy, no matter what. Many go through transition and deeply regret it, because irreversible changes are made at a time when a child cannot comprehend it. As a parent your best bet is to instil in him a sense of who he is, how his sex is permanent but how he dresses or has his hair has no reflection on his being male.

The sooner gender is abolished the better! It brings nothing to the table but regressive sexism.

He doesn’t know what it feels like to be a girl he’s just uncomfortable with some aspect of what he’s being told about being a boy.

He has no access to any social media at all. Doesn’t have a tablet. Unsure if anything has been said at school, as he’s not reported anything.

ive told him he can play with anything and can have long hair, doesn’t mean he’s a girl. He has a pushchair and dolls for example

Yeah I guess this is it isn’t it, won’t know until older

But your job as a parent is to teach him the way of the world.
At some point in his life he may want to eat only chocolate and crisps - he might be really upset if you repeatedly tell him no, so do you give in? No. You’re a parent steering a young child through a bonkers world, don’t be part of the bonkers!

stereotypes and messages are pushed on children all day long. Nobody needs to have explicitly said anything for him to be able to report back to you, it doesn’t mean he’s not hearing it all and taking it in. Do the boys play rough at break time and he doesn’t like it perhaps? That he would prefer to play with the girls but he doesn’t feel like he can without being mocked?

children don’t have the maturity or the language skills to articulate what they mean so he says “I want to be a girl” could mean “I don’t want to play football at lunch” for example. Doesn’t mean he’s thinks he’s a girl

My niece went through a similar phase for years. From about aged 3-9 she wanted to be a boy. She had short hair, wore ‘boy’ clothes and always chose the boy avatar in video games and played the role of dad or brother in imaginary play. She would say she wanted to be a boy and it made her sad to be a girl and would try and wee standing up. My sister reiterated to her that girls can do whatever boys can do and she can wear what she likes have her hair how she likes etc. she’s 14 now and doesn’t mention it anymore- she wears dresses, make up etc as well as comfy leggings, joggers etc. she’s secure that she’s a girl but it was really helpful for her to have her hair and clothes as she wanted when she was younger. My sister never told her she was a boy or could be a boy when she was older because it just wouldn’t have been true

What’s the alternative? Risk loosing my child and him going no contact because I wasn’t supportive? I don’t know what it’s like to feel how he’s feeling, so I want to understand and be there for him. When he’s older it is possible to get a sex change so it’s not like I’m letting him believe something that is completely false?

No. It’s not damaging to ground your child in reality. What can a 5 year old boy possibly know or understand of how it feels to be female? Absolutely nothing. So when he tells you that he’s a girl, he has no frame of reference by which to do so.
Im sure there are plenty of other things he believes at this age that aren’t true. This is no different.
Your job isn’t to just play along with whatever your child wants, your job is to make good and healthy decisions for him. Because he’s 5 ffs.

Yeah I wanna try and find the same wave length. Like of course he’s more than welcome to have long hair and play with whatever. It might be a phase but if it’s not, I don’t want to upset him etc

I think it’s your job to encourage him to love himself for who he is. He might be shorter than he wants to be. He might not have the bone structure he wants to have. But you encourage him to feel confident in his body and who he is and not tell him he can change everything about himself that he actually can’t.

A sex change operation doesn't actually make him a girl though, does it.

Come on OP, don't be daft. He is a little boy. Make sure he understands now that he can't become a little girl, no matter what, and help him feel ok with who he actually is.

My six year old thinks he's a ninja, I'm not signing him up just yet...