5 year old says they want to be a girl

[louise1makeup2]

hello, I was wondering if anyone could offer any advice or support?

i wanna say a month or two ago, I asked my son if we could get his hair cut. He said no he wants to be a girl. I asked him why he wanted to be a girl, he said he wanted to be like mammy and wear mammys coats. I said okay darling as I want to support him either way of course. When they’re so young it’s so hard to navigate it or my feelings.

i asked him again today if we could cut his hair as I wasn’t sure if it was just the moment thing. He said no. He said he can’t wait until his hair is longer so he can be a girl. He said he likes girls things.

he has said some other stuff but it’s been in passing so I can’t remember. It’s hard to know how I feel. It’s not about my feelings of course. As he comes first, I just don’t know what I’m doing if I’m doing the right thing. Like of course he can grow his hair out. I just don’t want to upset him if he does something right and say good boy or just carry on as he’s still so young. I know it could just be a phase but I am getting upset as he’s my only child and likely won’t be having another so I already feel like I’m grieving my little boy

As someone who has been through this, at a younger age than your child, and before the trans stuff that's happening now was a thing (and who's adult child has actually gone on to transition) there's a few worrying things on this thread.

First and foremost, do not, under any circumstances, go onto Mermaids for support. It is an awful place that pushes transition, calls parents taking a watchful waiting approach transphobic, and is there to advise how to push your child further down this path.

You have gone into panic mode because you feel your son will end his life if you're not immediatly supportive, it's a narrative that is pushed a lot, and not really representative of the world I have been involved in for the last 20 years.

My personal approach at that age was to pretty much ignore it, I allowed my child to wear whatever, from whatever section, whatever toys and hobbies and friends my child wanted, absolutely fine by me. My child also got upset at being called anything to do with their biological sex, so I just made the language neutral.

There wasn't the pressure/social media etc when my child was growing up, so I understand things will be more tricky now, but do try and keep your son offline as much as possible.

Don't go to the gp etc, you just want to be supportive of clothes, hair, nicknames etc, but without doing anything that would make it difficult for your child to have to 'come out' again as a boy. Kids often go through phases with hair, names, toys, clothes etc, it means nothing.

You can absolutely be supportive and allow your child to express himself without placing more importance on it than there needs to be at this stage.

My child knew I was absolutely supportive, and, although many discussions were had along the way, we didn't do anything about it until my child was an adult, which they said was absolutely the right thing to do and are glad now, although there were some tricky times as a teen.

Stop catastrophising, this may well be a phase, it may not be, but the path will last a lifetime so there's absolutely no hurry to do anything at all. Just let your kid be a kid.

I'll say it one more time though, DO NOT JOIN MERMAIDS, the place is a cesspit.

Don't be ridiculous. My five year old cried for 3 days straight because she wasn't a Husky. (Don't ask) Let him grow his hair and dress up however he wants but just be clear he will not be a girl because he just isn't. He's a boy and that is that. We can't change sex. Don't brainwash him at 5, the Internet will do a good enough job of that in years to come.

When I was five, I loved cars, ball games, trousers, refused to wear a skirt and hated dolls.

I am now 50, and still a woman who likes womanly things!

My son at a similar age told me he wished to be a girl. I asked him if that was because he wanted to be more like his friends (all girls), to which he said yes. I explained that he couldn't change his body, but that bodies had nothing to do with our friends and interests. He could be a boy and still enjoy playing with girls, enjoy girly things like dressing up, playing with dolls, sleepovers and have girl best friends. He seemed OK with that and we never had an issue with clothes (though some of his clothes were girls' because he liked the pink colour or the picture of the rabbit on it or whatever).

Throughout school and university, he has continued to have mainly girl friends - half his (few) close male friends have been more than friends. He is a confident, fun-loving gay man of 23 with a beard, and I am glad I never even considered a trans route. It would have only complicated things and made his self-discovery more confusing and difficult. Things can be very black and white for small children and we have to help them see through the binary perspective and understand that they can be whatever they want to be.

5 is far too young to know what this means in my opinion.
Yes he can grow his hair and wear whatever he wants and I don’t believe in “girl” and “boy” toys. Anyone can play with what they like.
You should get him used to the idea that he’s never going to be a girl though - he’s a boy but boys can like or be whatever they want

Shout it louder for the adults in the back. He can be like a girl but he can't be a girl.

stuff like this makes me want to rewind time.

He's five years old.

Replace the word girl with the word giraffe and the long hair for being tall.

'Mummy I can't wait until I grow really tall because I really want to be a giraffe when I grow up'.

When he says he wants to be a girl, you simply respond to him in the exact same way as you would in that ^ scenario.

Because of course, he can't. He can't ever be a girl, in the same way he can't ever be a giraffe. You know this because you're an adult. He doesn't know this because he's five.

There are kind, positive ways to tell a five year old he can't be a giraffe or a girl or a dinosaur and to redirect them to all the fabulous things they CAN be.

I'd ask him why he wants to be a girl and what it is that he prefers about being a girl. Then I'd go on from there.

God no! He’s 5!!

Let him wear what he wants, let him grow his hair if he wants, don’t start foisting this ridiculous ideology on a child at the typical age for this stuff to crop up!

One of my kids spent 6 months being a horse, the other spent two years being a dog, it’s very normal to role play.

It sounds like your son has a very traditional ideas of what boys and girls are like. Time to mix it up! Show your son men/boys with long hair and traditionally female interests. Also women/girls with short hair and traditionally male interests.

My son has incredibly long hair at the moment and my daughter has a short mullet. My son does ballet and my daughter likes girls. I hope people accept them for who they are.

Age 4 my ds used to push a dolly round and lift up his shirt to feed it just like mummy. At 5 he was obsessed with spider man. Every year a different interest. I don't know that you need to take everything they say at this age as gospel or some sort of sign.

My son expressed this around 4 or 5 too. We had been listening to a lot of songs by the same female artist (I go through phases!) and he seemed to be connecting this desire to the music he was enjoying. I played him some songs by male singers, we talked about the voices and music and he hasn't mentioned it since.
I didn't need to make it about questioning his gender. I just showed him that male voices can have the same qualities he had been drawn to in the female songs.

I tackle other instances the same way. He said he couldn't be a scientist once because scientists were women!!! I realised that all of the child orientated science shows and an in person class we attended had female leads! (Have we swung the balance too far the other way?!?). I explained and showed him male examples and he seemed more satisfied.

I think sometimes they just need to see themselves in the world around them and for better or worse we can only do our best to show them!

I think you might have misunderstood me! My take it from there wasn't about encouraging him to transition. It was more about how if you understand why he wants to be a girl you can address the actual need.
Eg as a previous poster said it might be because he doesn't like football. Then you can talk about how some boys and girls love playing football but some don't and it is fine to be a boy ( or a girl) and prefer dancing or playing chess or reading etc.

Or it might be about fabric and clothing- then you can explain how all colours/fabrics/clothes are for everyone etc.

By asking the "why" you can address exactly what he is concerned about and help facilitate him being a boy and liking jewelry/playing with dolls/ doing song and dance routines/learning ballet or whatever he finds attractive.

Thinking he can have a "sex change" is completely false though. What on earth do you understand by "sex change"? Do you think that if he has his penis removed, or breast implants, he actually becomes female? Really?

So I just wanna be aware and follow his lead.

Are you serious, he is 5!! Don't follow his lead on anything, this is gentle parenting gone mad.

What even is TRA talking points? I don’t even use Mumsnet unless in asking for advice myself. I’m in my early 20s, I don’t have any other parents to talk to my friends haven’t had children yet. I was put in foster care so don’t have my own parent to care about me. All I wanted was my mother to care about me no matter what.

you can parent your child or children however you want. There is nothing wrong exploring all options or just THINKING about things.

I couldn’t care less what bodykeepingscore or randomperson123 wants to question the realness of it. This is my life and my son so I’ll ask for advice where I want to. If you don’t have anything supportive to say, then don’t comment?

So letting him grow his hair is going mad? That’s following his lead no?

I have been asking why and following from there. Like when he said he wanted to wear my coats I said he could. When he said he wanted to grow his hair, I said yes but both girls and boys have long and short hair. I went if mammy cuts all her hair off she’s still a girl.

he’s only 5 so I’m keeping things child friendly and appropriate as much as I can. Just because I’m querying other options doesn’t mean I’m putting anything into his head or suggesting that is what is happening. I’m just exploring all avenues mentally as I love my son so much and just want the best for him no matter what

Thank you, I like seeing comments like this with other people that have experienced similar. That’s all I was looking for to see how others handled it or what they experienced. So I know how to handle similar situations with my son

My son does gymnastics football and swimming. And obviously not there at school, but I have always told him he can play with any toys and boys and girls can have long and short hair etc