5 year old says they want to be a girl

[louise1makeup2]

hello, I was wondering if anyone could offer any advice or support?

i wanna say a month or two ago, I asked my son if we could get his hair cut. He said no he wants to be a girl. I asked him why he wanted to be a girl, he said he wanted to be like mammy and wear mammys coats. I said okay darling as I want to support him either way of course. When they’re so young it’s so hard to navigate it or my feelings.

i asked him again today if we could cut his hair as I wasn’t sure if it was just the moment thing. He said no. He said he can’t wait until his hair is longer so he can be a girl. He said he likes girls things.

he has said some other stuff but it’s been in passing so I can’t remember. It’s hard to know how I feel. It’s not about my feelings of course. As he comes first, I just don’t know what I’m doing if I’m doing the right thing. Like of course he can grow his hair out. I just don’t want to upset him if he does something right and say good boy or just carry on as he’s still so young. I know it could just be a phase but I am getting upset as he’s my only child and likely won’t be having another so I already feel like I’m grieving my little boy

It’s a good job it’s not up to you to decide whether it’s a genuine post or not. This is not your life. I’d rather my child change their sex and dilate for the rest of their life, then have no child at all. I know what it’s like to have a parent that literally doesn’t care about my existence. This isn’t a place for transphobia. Just because we don’t know what it’s like to feel trapped in a wrong body, doesn’t mean we have to pretend it doesn’t exist or not be supportive. Just don’t comment

It’s ok if he gets a bit upset just support him through it. You can’t go through life never upsetting a child when you explain to them they can’t have everything they want- that would be silly. If he’s short are you going to say don’t worry darling, we can pay to break both your legs and make you 5 inches taller? If he wants to eat sweets all day every day are you going to say ok darling no problem so you don’t upset him?

Also- he’s 5. Wayyyyyy too early to worry anyway!

Yeah thank you I will keep trying this

Yeah this is true thank you

All you'll get on here is negative responses. Not trans friendly. You can speak to your GP who can refer you to trans family services. There is a trans charity called mermaids if you google it there is a contact number. Most kids know they are different by 5 to 6 years. But it may just be a phase. Just support him whatever he decides.

But you’re operating under a fallacy. No human can change sex. There’s also no evidence that gender affirming care prevents suicide, actually the few credible studies on it show that the risk of suicide is actually increased significantly in the years post operatively and that puberty blockers/cross sex hormones do little to improve mental health.

But edited to add… what, in your mind, is evidence that your son is “trapped in the wrong body”? How could he know or quantify in any way what it feels like to be a five year old girl?

He can’t change ever sex. He can get on the pathway to becoming a medical patient for life (cross sex hormones, surgeries etc) from a young age, though. When he says he wants to be a girl he may mean something as simple as being given something nice he’s seen a specific girl receiving, especially a sibling or cousin, or not having to play football in the school playground. He doesn’t fully understand what it means to be male or female at that age.

My daughter was like this about being a boy. I just used to say oh yes, I forgot and went along with it. It was a phase and it passed. It’s not uncommon. At five, you are reading way too much into it.

Mermaids are a dreadful charity to signpost people to. Susie Green castrated her own son to save her marriage, simply because her husband refused to allow him to play with girl toys and feared he might be gay…

7

I know but it’s really hard to navigate this sort of thing. At the end of the day if it isn’t a phase, he will always go and do that regardless and I’d rather him have my support. It could be just a phase and maybe just over thinking

Mumsnet as a whole is very anti trans so your replies are going to reflect that.
Having said that, your child is only young and still exploring and learning. I think it is lovely how supportive you are.
My son’s best friend throughout all their school years was a girl who insisted she wanted to be a boy. They transitioned recently and are the happiest I have ever seen them. So sometimes children outgrow it but they also may not.

He can't have a sex change, his biological sex can't be altered. He can have his penis cut off, take hormones and wax his hairy bits. So yes, you are letting him believe something that is false.
Kids are blessed with powerful imaginations, let him enjoy being a kid, if that involves pretending to be a girl that's fine, but it is pretend.

Where is he getting all this ‘boy stuff’ and ‘girl stuff’? We are very clear in our house that there are things. Not boy things or girl things. Unfortunately the outside gendered world does creep in, a child at nursery told him only girls have long hair and wore ponytails. I know this definitely comes from his father, I’ve heard him say things like this at the gate. It’s very sad, you can only try your best to keep them young and deflect dangerous gender stereotypes.

Of course he’s a bit sad if you tell him he can’t be a girl like mummy, they look up to you and idolise you. Concentrate on the things he likes. Toys, clothes, hair, hobbies don’t make you a girl. He can do everything you do, there’s no need to dwell on sex at this age.

Where is your sons MALE role model(s)?
I’ve yet to meet a toddler who doesn’t adore their mummy and the ground she walks on BUT by five their world expands and they like more and varied other people.
I’d not be pandering to too much.
Are you LGBQT? If so you your past might prove a challenge to parenting a male child in a family unit. Both of you might be better off seeing a family therapist early on so that your son understands his maleness, he’s a boy. 50% of the population and his life should include men.

Don't you mean 5 year old says HE wants to be a girl. Your son is a boy. The boy pronoun in the singular is HE.

Perfect age to factually instil how you can’t physically and genetically change your sex. ‘This boy cat can’t turn into a girl cat, it’s just not possible’ etc.

It’s nearly always a phase and quite normal to some extent at his age.

Small children all want to be like mummy - it's normal. They don't even realise a difference between boys and girls. My son played almost exclusively with girls until he was 8 years old. It didn't mean that he wanted to be a girl.

At 5 my brother wanted to be a dog. So he was a dog for a bit. He's not a dog anymore.

It’s not possible to change your sex.
You can have plastic surgery that might create a semblance of a vagina, but sadly it’s likely to be a wound that smells of colon.
Suicide rates rocket following surgery, it’s not successful.
Also you’re buying into very manipulative language already when your child is just 5. Suicide stats around “trans” children are vastly manipulated and it’s just not true.
Have a look at the Cass report.

You have a 5 year old son. He is in his perfect body, he needs a sensible parent to help him learn to love himself too, rather than one who would say “gosh yes, you’re born in the wrong body, perhaps you’re a girl”.
Would you be seeing such a bleak future and using such emotive, manipulative rhetoric if, for example, he said he was a cat? No. You’d let him play it, but meanwhile back in the real world he needs boundaries and safeguards, and no child should be within a million miles of anyone suggesting they can change sex. They can’t, it’s a huge lie.

I wanted to be a boy most of my childhood. I'm now one of the girliest women imaginable.

Basically - all kids say things like this. I remember reading a psychology study that over 90% of kids who say they want to be the opposite gender end up not wanting that by the time they're adults.

Just tell him he can do whatever he wants - hair long, toys, interests etc - regardless, and don't worry about it

OP you say this ‘Just because we don’t know what it’s like to feel trapped in a wrong body’ and also that your 5 year old wants to be a girl. How is it that we, adults, can’t possibly know what a 5 year old is feeling but your 5 year old can understand what it is to feel like a girl (despite not being one).

It doesn’t make sense.

I agree with PPs, he is 5, he has no comprehension of the full implications of being ‘trans’ or changing sex, anything in his frame of reference currently is just stereotypes and kid stuff and you need to just not indulge this anymore than if he decides he’s an aeroplane one afternoon.

You're definitely overthinking this. Nearly every kid says they want to be the opposite gender at some point (didn't you?!) - it's very normal

My eldest DD went through a stage of wanting to be a boy from age 2.5-6yo. She wore a lot of spiderman clothes and wanted to change her name to Diego. She got upset when I used her actual name and it did seems really possible that this would continue. My sister, who was a CM (sadly died 8 years ago) advised me try buying gender neutral clothes rather than exclusively boys and encouraging fun girls activities like nail painting. I took her advice because I was nervous about school bullying and within the year she had seemed to throw off the phrase. She's 21 now. She still prefers baggy men's t shirts and she's not overly 'girly' but she is happy being female and has had a boyfriend for the past 3 years. She also thought she was bisexual age 15 but then met her boyfriend at college and doesn't know if she is or not currently.
Kids and teens go through all kinds of identity feelings, there is no point in thinking long term yet!

I would show him some pictures of girls/ women with short hair and boys/ men with long hair - maybe use both photos of real people and cartoon or movie characters he might know.

Tell him that he can have whatever length hair he wants, but it isn't what makes him a girl or a boy.

Lots of children at this age say that they want to be a girl, a boy, a cat, a dog - it doesn't necessarily mean anything. He's figuring it all out and he's too young to really know. He might be feeling some pressure at school/ nursery and thinking that girls are having more fun or doing the sort of things he wants to do, so encourage him to explore that and join in with whatever he likes, it doesn't matter if anyone says it's "for girls".

Just let him express himself how he wants but make sure he understands that doesn't define whether he's a girl or a boy.

This sort of age can also be when boys and girls can start to clump together and ideas such as girls liking pink/ boys liking football etc can creep in. Just make sure he understands he can like what he wants and be however he is.