5 year old says they want to be a girl

[louise1makeup2]

hello, I was wondering if anyone could offer any advice or support?

i wanna say a month or two ago, I asked my son if we could get his hair cut. He said no he wants to be a girl. I asked him why he wanted to be a girl, he said he wanted to be like mammy and wear mammys coats. I said okay darling as I want to support him either way of course. When they’re so young it’s so hard to navigate it or my feelings.

i asked him again today if we could cut his hair as I wasn’t sure if it was just the moment thing. He said no. He said he can’t wait until his hair is longer so he can be a girl. He said he likes girls things.

he has said some other stuff but it’s been in passing so I can’t remember. It’s hard to know how I feel. It’s not about my feelings of course. As he comes first, I just don’t know what I’m doing if I’m doing the right thing. Like of course he can grow his hair out. I just don’t want to upset him if he does something right and say good boy or just carry on as he’s still so young. I know it could just be a phase but I am getting upset as he’s my only child and likely won’t be having another so I already feel like I’m grieving my little boy

My 5 year old wants to be a unicorn fairy doesn’t mean that’s what she is!

At this age what he’s saying doesn’t signify anything deeper than he wants to copy the grown ups around him.

Thankfully the younger generation are more accepting of differences.

The older generation that I lived through were WAY more accepting of differences in gender presentation. When I was at university loads of students were trying to emulate Bowie, long polished nails on men were not amiss along with eyeliner and other makeup and long hair was pretty normal in men. None of that meant those men thought they were women or invaded single sex spaces reserved for females. For female role models we had Annie Lennox and Sinead O'Connor etc.

There was less acceptance of gay people for sure but thank goodness that has improved over time.

However now we have a movement that harms children and vulnerable young adults, it particularly harms females. It's ludicrous that so many young, particularly autistic and or gay females have had radical mastectomies and now claim to be men.

This isn't progress. Harming healthy bodies isn't progress.

Oh and don't be so sure that the younger generation are more accepting of trans ideology. The ones I know are not. They have to be careful , of course, because if they speak out at university about the harms then they might well find themselves in trouble. Coercing silence in this way is not the same as acceptance.

I suspect the more and more the harms of 'trans healthcare' becomes apparent the less acceptable it will become. It's a ticking time bomb.

My middle boy wanted a skirt to do dance when he was 4. All the kids in class had tutus. They were all girls. I brought him a black tutu for dance. It's a piece of clothing.

It hair let him grow his hair long.

He is five. Let him be a child. He can't change sex. It's ok to let him know that. It's ok to also let him have fantasy.

Thankfully the younger generation are more accepting of differences.

I honestly find the total opposite.

🙄

My dd was around 7 when she asked for her haircut short. I think she was holding onto a hope that the haircut would turn her into a boy. It didn’t. She was still really happy with the haircut and very happy to be a girl with short hair that had more stereotypically male interests.

I think you’ll find that your son is a couple of years off from realising that clothes and hair etc. don’t define sex. I think it’s all part of natural social development to think that appearance is the key, and that changing appearance will change them. Children should just grow out of it as they become more aware of the world outside themselves.

No child can be born in the wrong body. There are some people that think there can be something in the brain that skews masculine or feminine. No one has been able to point to this bit that’s wrong. The more accepting thing would be to do as you’ve done and just shrug your shoulders about the hair and move on.

Going down a ‘trans’ route just restrict behaviour etc to a different set of stereotypes. It’s not expansive, it’s very regressive.

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Only a little bit haha. I'm in a same sex marriage with my wife so there's no men here for my DS either, different circumstances obviously. Sorry his dad seems a bit of a douche 😕 hopefully this is just your DS wanting to be like you! But whatever it is, you seem to be managing it perfectly fine. Understanding, reassuring and supportive. I bet he looks lovely with long hair too! I wish my DS would like it a bit longer, he likes it shaved like his Grandad, buts he's only 2 so looks like a little thug when I let grandad loose with the shears haha

Sadly munsnet is very transphobic. It’s too early to know what will happen with your DC but I think m you are being a great mum listening and supporting.

In the nicest possible way, you are being ridiculous. 5 year olds are not trans. You re-iterate that boys can have long hair, play with dolls or whatever but he is not a girl. That’s just a fact.

My son lived in fairy outfits, carried a wand, had a make up collection 10 times the size of mine and was utterly obsessed with witches and princesses for a good few years. He’s now a teen, I suspect he’s probably gay, but he’s absolutely 100% not trans. He was just a little boy who liked what he liked and that’s what you have to do with your son.

Transphobic? She is talking about her 5 year old. Many many children go through phases like this. Just stop it

I don't think mumsnet users are particularly transphobic, more that on the whole we are women with lived experience who know that no-one can truly change sex or become something they are not. We are not gendered souls living in random bodies, we are our bodies and our bodies are us. Anyone who thinks any differently is engaging in magical thinking, and why not I say - as long as this doesn't affect single sex spaces, or indoctrinate children into a harmful ideology.

It is absolutely not possible for him to get a sex change.

All he can ever have is dangerous life limiting cross sex hormones and eventually surgery which destroys his sexual and reproductive function but still doesn't make him female in any meaningful way.

No human (or any other mammal) has ever changed sex.

Have you asked him what he thinks a girl is?

Hi @louise1makeup2 . When DS1 was a little older than your DS he told me that he wanted to be a girl. We talked about what that meant, and why he felt like that. Turned out he was being bullied at school for liking "girl things". His best friend was a girl, he did a dance class and loved painting his nails and doing craft activities. So we discussed the fact that none of those things are only for girls, looked at men who liked them (Hugh Jackman aka Wolverine is a brilliant tap dancer) and that they were still men. I told him it was OK to like all those things, but he couldn't ever actually be a girl. He was sad about it for a while. But once school had sorted the bullying he was fine again

He's a 20 year old gay man now. Still loves to tap dance, paint his nails and wears eyeliner sometimes.

Because he gets irritated by the sound so some days are better for it then others. There’s no set age of when a child can choose how they want their hair. Girls decide if the want long or short hair. He’s old enough to decide whether he wants it cut now or not. It’s not my hair.

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