Worried for my gay son

[Tracecoomby]

Morning, my son came out to us when he was 11 very young.he is 15 now

We are fully supportive and just want him to be happy and safe. Over the last three years he has been really struggling at school with anxiety due to homophobic language used towards him he started self harming a couple of weeks ago which was such a shock. we have managed to get him some counselling through our doctor but not sure this is going to be enough. He is terrified about his life and what he’s going to be like worried that he’s going to go out when he’s older and be beaten up after reading numerous stories online. Feels that people are looking at him judging him because he wears make up I just am looking for some reassurance that I can give him for his future so that he doesn’t feel completely overwhelmed. As parents we are also worried about what life is going to be like for him he’s so sensitive and unconfident and Spends the majority of time in his bedroom. We’ve put things in place to help with his self harming urges and talk to him constantly about how he’s feeling he has friends at school but just really struggles so worried for him, thanks Tracy

Hi - my DS came out at a similar age. He was out at school and luckily didn't have too much trouble but there was a little at school. He was lucky I think that he had a supportive group of friends who didnt let things go far.

I understand the make-up thing - it's something to hide behind - something for confidence and if they're bullying and commenting about the make-up, they're not bullying and commenting about your DS personally. Like goths or other fashion statements it's a kind of self preservation - give the bullies the things you could change if you chose to not the things you can't change about yourself.

My DS joined a local youth theatre - that was where he found great friends and a place belong. There were there LGBTQ+ kids there, but also straight and allies. There are many options other than acting in a local theatre and it really helped my DS.

A slightly odd suggestion is to watch Heartstopper - DS watched it when it first came out and he found it very affirming and positive, gave us all hope for the future of LGBT youth.

He's 17 now and life is good - he is very happy with his life.

Hello OP. I have a LGBT older DC and a lesbian best friend.
I work in the beauty industry and I would say at least a third of creatives are LGBT.
Make up is worn by 10% of men.
Foundation can even out skintone. Lots of straight guys use rimmel cover stick. Even my macho twenty five year old!
My DC use to wear nail colour, hair dye and all sorts of badges at school. It was armour for them.
My younger DC hated school so we made a chart for the weeks left. We crossed them off They go on block leave after easter. All FE sittings my LGBT DC attended had pride clubs. It got easier. My DC sometimes gets catcalled but that's about it. We live in the shires too.

Oh your poor son. It's so hard being a teenager and anything that makes one 'different' can cause so much anguish. I'm so glad he has a lovely mum to support him, and some great pals around him too.

I don't have any particular advice but I do want to offer assurance about what his life will be like when he's older.

I was a nineties teen and when we were 14 or 15 one of my closest friends (we'll call him Fred) came out as gay. I wasn't surprised, and his family were hugely supportive, but in the mid 90s this was shocking for many and Section 28 was still in full swing. Fred got a lot of shit at school - name calling, constant comments etc., not just because he was gay but because of how he dressed and that he wore make-up occasionally. And if wasn't just the kids, but the teachers too. It was horrible. He was the only openly gay person at the very large, nowhere town, comprehensive and it was bleak.

We both moved on to a sixth form college at 16 and suddenly most people (not all) didn't really care that he was gay. And then a few more people came out over the two years we were there - some of them said that Fred being so openly gay gave them confidence to be themselves too.

I'm still friends with several of the people I met at that time, including Fred, even though we've all moved away. Fred and a couple of the other gay lads I knew then have all thrived. We're all well into our 40s now and they all have great careers and lives. One is married and he and his husband have adopted two kids; Fred lives with his partner who he met at uni; another met his partner online dating about a decade ago. And none of the lads have (as far as I know) ever been physically attacked.

Having quite a a few long-term gay friends means I've then met many of their friends (and I have known/worked with many more gay people) and I'd say this pattern of success and happiness is repeated across most people I know who are gay. That is: they live lives not much different from many straight people. It perhaps helps that I (and many of my friends) now live in a major city that prides itself on its gay-friendly nature. But, like I say, we grew up in the 90s when social attitudes to homosexuality were about a million miles from where they are now, when newspapers 'outed' people on front pages and people still associated homosexuality with AIDS - which had been known as the 'gay plague' by many. It was shit.

Of course homophobia is very real and gay men (and gay women!) still do get attacked or verbally abused simply for existing. But that's not the daily reality for most gay men.

I just wanted to share that out of the darker days of the nineties so many gay teens blossomed into wonderful young gay men and now into fantastic middle aged gay men who are happy and living rich and varied lives. Whatever your son wants to be, he can be. As he gets older and grows in confidence and leaves the twatty little bullies behind he will flourish.

I hope he can see beyond the next year or two and beyond the headlines. There's a reason why homophobic attacks (rightly) make the news now. They're fortunately quite rare and absolutely shocking to most.

I also hope you get the support you need to help your son through this very difficult stage in his life

Then why on earth do you feel your strange opinion will be helpful to either a gay teen or his mum?

Maybe start your own thread if you want some helping learning to understand why a gay teen might feel that being gay is a very important part of their personality.

Some of you here have really lifted me & given me hope for our son thank you so much ❤️ love to you all xxxx

My son is gay (as are all my children). He came out when he was 15/16 - quietly. He had good friends who accepted him just as much as they did pre-announcement. They still do.

Fortunately we've been spared self harm etc but I still worried about him. Still do really - but only as any parent does. He's mid 30s now.

I'm not sure if his current school runs into 6th form or you have a separate 6th form colleges? The latter is easier, fresh start, more potential for like minded friends. It's also a time and place where others come out too. (This is speaking as a teacher) It's generally a safer, more open environment. (Both Mentally and physically.)

At 16-18 my son didn't go to specific LGBT+ spaces but was involved in drama (which is almost a half way house)

Generally we ran Dad's taxis - which perhaps took away some worries about meeting with would be aggressors whilst waiting for busses etc. (although that wasn't the primary motive)

At Uni he joined groups that way inclined and was involved in student politics. He's in a job where being gay is of little consequence amongst his colleagues. It's not shouted from the rooftops (but not a secret) amongst his clients, acceptance might be mixed and varied.

All the best.

Do you also not understand why a black person might be interested in works of art by black artists? Or a woman might be interested in books by female authors? Are there a lot of things you don’t understand?

Hi OP my DS is also gay. He is now in his early 20s. In our experience making sure he has contact with other gay teenagers is important. The world will not be an odious place for hm, it will be great and his life will be good, but at his age it can be daunting. No one at 15 has to repeatedly tell people they are straight- gay people have to continually discuss their sexuality, which at 15 most kids simply do not want to do. The threat of homophobia is real, but equally the anxiety it can create is disproportionate and possible some talking therapy here would be good. His future is bright, he just needs to get through these difficult teenage years.

I am sure that OP does not need her thread to be derailed by 2 posters squabbling over perceptions of rudeness. Suggest that sub-thread is parked.

So, I had the opportunity to catch-up with a friend who is a male, gay ally at work. He experienced similar issues at school but sees those as being firmly in his past. He wants to pass on the message that from university and onwards he has had a "fabulous life". The gay community has provided him with a wide range of friends who provide love and support. He sees being unencumbered by children as a plus! He travels wide and far, has a good career and is out and proud everywhere.

One point he did make is to be sure you are not passing on your worries about a world that you are not party too. If M&D are worried, it must be bad...

OP, Do you have gay friends? Is there an LGBT network in your work that you can approach? Ours had provided support and advice to straight parents of gay kids.

Teenage years are massively turbulent for everyone, gay or straight.
Part of that turbulence is about finding the confidence to be your own person.
If you're bashing down stereotypes and going against the crowd with your clothing or style choice, it takes confidence to pull it off. Perhaps the best time to embrace the make-up is when he's feeling less vulnerable, if he feels awkward or overwhelmed at the moment? Then he can really rock it and enjoy it when he's ready. Would he consider waiting until college to wear it during the school day, for example?

If he's spending a lot of time online, he's vulnerable to a "quick fix" where someone who is quite possibly very well-meaning might suggest to him that using make-up is a sign that he's not actually a gay boy but is in fact a straight girl (trapped in a boy's body). Unfortunately the idea that LGBT is one "thing" does lend itself to this kind of confusion. LGB and T are very different from each other but are often bundled together as if they are one. A couple of people have mentioned the LGB Alliance helpline, which could be a helpful resource to avoid that kind of unintended conflation.

@Flatulence your post is lovely. Thank you for sharing your observations. I hope they are helpful to OP and to others