Worried for my gay son

[Tracecoomby]

Morning, my son came out to us when he was 11 very young.he is 15 now

We are fully supportive and just want him to be happy and safe. Over the last three years he has been really struggling at school with anxiety due to homophobic language used towards him he started self harming a couple of weeks ago which was such a shock. we have managed to get him some counselling through our doctor but not sure this is going to be enough. He is terrified about his life and what he’s going to be like worried that he’s going to go out when he’s older and be beaten up after reading numerous stories online. Feels that people are looking at him judging him because he wears make up I just am looking for some reassurance that I can give him for his future so that he doesn’t feel completely overwhelmed. As parents we are also worried about what life is going to be like for him he’s so sensitive and unconfident and Spends the majority of time in his bedroom. We’ve put things in place to help with his self harming urges and talk to him constantly about how he’s feeling he has friends at school but just really struggles so worried for him, thanks Tracy

I think anxiety is quite normal and a lot of teenagers now feel they can talk about it more openly. No he wasn’t forced to come out. It was his decision he’d been feeling like he thought he might be gay for quite awhile and one day just came down and spoke to a space saying that he was gay we were fully supportive and just let him talk, we have applied couple of colleges in our local area. He has already visited that he really liked so we’re hoping once his exams are over, he can move on and start to feel a bit more more excepted thank youx

Op my son is very very similar. He came out at 18, didn't know how to tell me he was gay. Are there any LGBTQ youth groups in your area??? I appreciate your sons self confidence is low right now. But the first step is always the hardest x

The thing is, whatever you try to do and whatever official channels you go through (eg school regarding homophobic bullying), you are still left in a situation where he’s trapped in a school with people who bully him. They’ll be smart enough to deny it, like bullies always do. School will perhaps try to fix it, but they won’t be able to. It’s too hard to detect/prove.

Therefore, it’s an unfortunate practical fact that he will need to somehow avoid these bullies and get off their radar. I think he’d be fine wearing makeup at university - but at this particular school, it’s just something that’s marking him out as a target. Bullies will go for any slight difference to the norm. He could wear the makeup at home/on the weekend to avoid the bullies’ attention at school.

Also, I find it really intrusive and weird that everyone at a school knows the sexuality of a 15yo. I just can’t see how it’s anyone’s business.

Blanketyre Me too it’s sad that people feel that way but all we can do is support him and let him be who he wants to be, by hiding and pretending to be something else that’s even worse for his mental health x

See I think you can argue this one both ways, and it’s a societal thing.

Yes wearing makeup, or wearing bright neon fishnet tights, wearing a big top hat or having bright red hair etc can make you “stick out”, it will draw attention to you and not necessarily in a good way, and yes that might attract hassle or nasty comments, so not wearing those things and just wearing “normal” clothes/hair/clean face would prevent those things.

But I also can see the argument of why should everybody have to “conform” just to avoid nasty comments or hassle?

In an ideal world everybody should just wear whatever they want to and it wouldn’t be an issue, but I do appreciate we don’t live in an ideal world so can see the merit in your stance that if you just dress to blend in to avoid that hassle it can make life easier (however maybe at a personal cost if not dressing or doing make up in a way that makes you feel confident).

That rather begs the question as to why you are reading and posting on a board for LGBT youth

Thank you for your comment about your son. I hope he’s doing okay.X unfortunately there are no local groups in our area. It’s not very good. I’ve been on a couple of websites and spoken to people who support the community but the waiting list to actually speak to somebody is so long we’ve put him on a few and I just keep our fingers crossed that something will become available soon.x

Of course he should be able to wear make up if he wants to but I think the immediate answer is to stave off some of the anxiety to best protect his mental health and if wearing his make up makes him so anxious he might want to consider stopping it, especially in school.

My daughter is 12 and came out as gay a couple of years ago. We support her fully, as do my friends and family.

We are lucky in the sense, that we have several gay friends in our lives (both male and female) so she has someone she can relate to etc.

Whilst I have been hesitant to sign her up to "actively gay groups" there is a lunch time group at school that she attends, and we have been to small events in our local city, low key (an event at a book shop by a lesbian author), she is a keen reader so this really suited her.

I would affirm your support for their choice, maybe find a local gay even and attend as a family. Re-enforce the face that there will always be haters in the world, kids are cruel, if you are - fat, ginger, glasses, big boobs, small boobs - everyone comes across some sort of hatred in their school years.

I do not feel that the fact he is gay is directly related to the fact he is introvert, work on things to build his confidence. Maybe indulge him in a hobby? Suggest days ut at places of his choosing? Meeting with friends etc?

If you really believe that looking 'clean'and 'normal' will stop you being bullied then you clearly don't know much about kids.

OP what you're doing isn't working. Your son is experiencing bullying at school and there's been not only little attempt to tackle it but he's wearing make up. 15 year olds can be cruel and they pick on anyone different. Perhaps wearing makeup should be kept for when he's outside school.

Secondly, as I already said, spending all his time in his room reading about homophobia isn't going to do his mental health any good. You need to encourage him to get out and socialise. I've given you a list of LGBTQ organisations who can support his mental health or you can find groups he can join. Meetup.com will also have groups in the area.

He lacks confidence because he's being picked on and he's frightening himself with homophobic stories. Time to shake things up.

I think people commenting about the fact that he wants to wear make-up is really not helpful so please don’t carry on. It’s his choice. It makes him feel better in himself and we fully support that the children at school are not bullying him because he’s wearing make up they are bullying him because he is the only gay child out in his school. I’m sure there are plenty more who have not felt confident enough to, express how they feel at this moment in time. I posted on this group just for advice and help from parents who have gay children who may be slightly older and are out in the world.

I see it’s already been said, but I was also going to say it sounds like he needs more positive gay role models. Most gay people I know or come across are just happily living their best lives. Which isn’t to say homophobia doesn’t exist, obviously it does, but for many people it is not a day to day issue. Weekend away in Brighton perhaps? Literally seeing men walking down the road holding hands! (Who obviously exist everywhere, but Brighton is where you can guarantee it). Watch some movies or TV shows with happy gay couples? If he’s on social media then a) check what kind of accounts he’s following to remove negative ones and b) find happy gay influencers for him to follow?

It just sounds like he’s in despair that the worst things he’s seen online are inevitably what awaits him. But that isn’t a good representation of the world. Might be easier for him to deal with school once he sees that there is a better life out there waiting for him.

Why shouldn't he wear make up at school? I presume lots of 15 yr old girls do.

Is there an LGBT group at his school? My DS started one. It met once a week and always with a supportive teacher present. They had a great time. They took turns discussing LGBT people they admired in all walks of life, and discussing their own concerns. And they had good cake and croissants!

In general, draw his focus away from online stories of being beaten up and towards online stories of successful and happy gay men - happily married gay men, gay company leaders, actors, medics, artists, lawyers, politicians, social campaigners. Help him broaden his scope - he is a whole human being with a wide range of qualities who is also gay.

Can you look online for some gay discos and cafes that he could go to locally to meet age-appropriate LGBT friends. Are there groups outside school that are likely to be more inclusive? A drama or rock music or art group?

And - very important - do a lot of CBT-style support. He gets called names. Evaluate that situation. Who does he judge in that situation - the person doing the name calling or the person being honest about who they are? The opinions of lesser mortals should start to slide off him easily with a bit of practise. We all need to learn this. Bullies will seek something to scorn in everyone. Reassure him that not only gay people have to learn to teflon-coat themselves against scathing personal putdowns - all women, POC, small men, SEN and physically disabled people, anyone who is brighter or less academically able than average, etc etc. It's a life skill.

Physical attacks are something else - and he has every right to go about his life feeling safe. If anyone attacks him physically, assure him the police will be informed. And if he wants to feel safer, no harm to taking up a martial art, boxing and weight training. My DS is small, slim, very geeky and openly gay but also national level at a martial art. I think it gives him a natural 'don't mess with me' vibe, even though at a glance he is a walking target for aggressive homophobes.

The obsession with the OPs son wearing make up is weird.

More and more straight boys are also wearing make up at school by the way, which might blow your minds.

Literally nothing about the post suggests the lad in ND. He's being bullied!

OP, try and look at it as a long term thing. The harder he works at school the more likely he is to get to university, where he will have a ready made group of all types of gay people and gay allies. I'd be really focused on looking forward into the future with him.

I work with lots of ND young people and it was the overwhelm, the social anxiety and the safety anxiety which jumped out at me. OP has confirmed that her ds is not ND.

I say this as a mum of a gay son who is now 22 so I do know how you feel, but are these his anxieties or yours? It sounds like you need some support as well as him. My son came out at 15 too, he has been to university and is now in a loving relationship of 4 years after meeting his partner at uni. We as parents struggled with it at first but it is who our son is. Find some support for yourself so that you can give your son the support he needs instead of fuelling his anxiety. Yes there are risks out there but the world is not this horrible scary place that you are painting it to be for young gay people today. He needs to find his tribe.

Does he have any older gay role models or mentors he can talk to?

We do not show our anxiety to our son we encourage and support him and reassure him that the world is not the scary place that he thinks it is.

We are doing everything that we can to try and help him by getting him counselling speaking to different LGBTQ+ websites with live chats to try and help him navigate his way through life. The comments from you who have older children are really reassurance so thank you so much for that. Appreciate the support.

Kids can be assholes, especially teens and schools are a tinderbox... but with your concerns for the future there is so much good out there. I grew up in and around London, have many gay friends all of whom live their lives filled with all the joys and happiness that straight couples do. Most of them have better social lives than me, high flying careers in a variety of different sectors. Whilst I am aware that it happens, none of my friends have been at the end of any violent hate crimes. Yes, I have been with them in clubs and bars when a drunk lowlife may make a homophobic comment, but they are never alone, with friends and even strangers supporting them and if necessary a quick chat to the bouncer will have the perpetrator removed quietly.
Your son has so much life to look forward to as he spreads his wings as he grows up, he will find his tribe. Has he had the opportunity to meet many other gay people? Especially seeing other older gay role models may help reassure him that this is absolutely not life limiting at all. He will see this as he starts college and goes into the workplace. You hear all the bad stories in the news because they don't report on normal people living normal lives, so try not to be too frightened.

candlewhickgreen I appreciate the different websites that you’ve given me to help us Som but I do not appreciate your comments stating that we are not doing enough to help our son and that we need to step up! We are doing everything we possibly can to help him so these kind of comments are really not helpful. I’d appreciate if you just leave the feed and don’t bother commenting again, thank you

I might be misreading the tone of your posts OP but you’re coming across as a little bit passive about school bullying. Have you approached the school? There is lots that the school can do about this, and being the calm, pleasant parent who won’t let the matter drop is a good place to start.

The anxiety is very likely being exacerbated by what he’s reading online. If you put a diverse group of gay people in a room and asked them about their experiences of being attacked or harassed, there would be some upsetting tales. But there would probably be a number of people sitting quietly, listening but without a story to contribute. Online, you don’t see the “not me’s” so it feels like a 100% experience every time.

CBT will probably help sort out some of those issues as it essentially teaches you to question the validity of your conclusions. But be mindful yourself that you’re not projecting your own fears for his future too.