Worried for my gay son

[Tracecoomby]

Morning, my son came out to us when he was 11 very young.he is 15 now

We are fully supportive and just want him to be happy and safe. Over the last three years he has been really struggling at school with anxiety due to homophobic language used towards him he started self harming a couple of weeks ago which was such a shock. we have managed to get him some counselling through our doctor but not sure this is going to be enough. He is terrified about his life and what he’s going to be like worried that he’s going to go out when he’s older and be beaten up after reading numerous stories online. Feels that people are looking at him judging him because he wears make up I just am looking for some reassurance that I can give him for his future so that he doesn’t feel completely overwhelmed. As parents we are also worried about what life is going to be like for him he’s so sensitive and unconfident and Spends the majority of time in his bedroom. We’ve put things in place to help with his self harming urges and talk to him constantly about how he’s feeling he has friends at school but just really struggles so worried for him, thanks Tracy

The NHS fund LGBT youth clubs around the country for children your son's age. We found out about after attending a Pride event with our daughter, who was about 15 at the time. She went for a few months and said it was good. I don't know how you'd go about finding one - sorry. Have you considered taking him to a Pride event so he can talk to older gay people and find out first-hand that his future may not be as bleak as he's worried it will be?

Does he know any gay men? Or women, but a man would be better - someone who can relate to what it's like to go through being "different" and come out the other side. Bonus if it's a married man! Or someone who is really settled and happy in his life in another way. I'm not sure whether he's too young for this (or whether it aligns with his interests) but around us there are things like rugby clubs/football specifically for gay men, could you get him into anything like that to help him find more like minded people. Hate crimes etc are so worrying, I agree with pp advice maybe to take up self defence/karate etc. Hopefully he will never need it but even if not it might make him feel safer and more confident.

I used to work in a FE college. We had many students who were LGBT and really flourished in that environment. They “found their tribe” and it was really lovely to see. Several boys wore make up, nobody batted an eyelid. I think colleges are much more inclusive and the students are encouraged to be individuals. I disagree with others saying he shouldn’t wear make up our. He should be free to be who he wants to be. My son had bright pink hair for about a year. He received some really homophobic comments (he’s not gay, just different!) and he was great at ignoring them but that came with some maturity. Keep talking to him, keep engaging with school. I think the fact you’ve sought counselling will be helpful for his MH. Much love.

divinededacende thank you so much I’m going to read your post to my son when he gets home ❤️ we live in a really small village in hamoshire , everybody knows everybody ! So it’s hard for him but we are going to try & get him out meeting new people , new friends to help him lots of love & thanks again x

A friend lives rurally, and there is most definitely a family like this in their area - literally going back generations.

It's like they take a pride in their 'notoriety'.

Thank you ❤️

It is awful he's being bullied at school. The school should stamp this out but it also depends on the catchment area and families. If girls are allowed to wear make up then so should he and it shouldn't get commented on. Is there another school he could go to where he would be happier? Reassure him that uni and workplaces are much more tollerant than senior school children! My male dominated organisation would not tollerate homophobia. What media is he watching where gay people get hurt? It was common in the past and still happens but times have changed too. Is there some positive TV he could stream with gay people not being targeted and leading happy accepted lives to balance things?

I am gay. Came out early at school and had a few comments, teasing and a few really awful moments of bullying.

School will be over in the next couple of years and the best thing he can do is ignore it and focus on what he wants to do after school. Get himself good grades to give himself choices.

It's really important to build up your sons resiliance and try to encourage him to have a life which isn't defined by his sexuality. Focusing on his sexuality could be really detrimental for his future. I would avoid all LGBT groups, pride etc. It's all an echo chamber and your son sounds really vulnerable. The fact your son is gay should be the least interesting thing about him.

If your name is Tracey and your username is linked to your real world name this post could be incredibly outing for your son.

"surely she wasn't wearing that - well its no wonder she was attacked then"

Do you see the utter absurdity in the first line of your post.

Tell me you're a pick-me without telling me you're a pick-me.

Because when you have an identify that sets you apart from the "norm" and potentially makes you a target it can be isolating. You're right, my sexual identity isn't all there is to me but it is an important part of it and when you're being targeted for a part of your identify THOSE people treat you as if that's all there is to you.

If you're out on your own and you don't have people around you who share that, it's natural to go looking for other places where you can hear stories that speak to you and your experiences. It's reassuring to be able to see role models so, yes, there is still value in someone being labelled a lesbian/gay author, artist, dancer because it lets people find you who might take comfort in what you have to say.

being inclusive isn't about ignoring labels. Until we get to a point in society where people don't attach what they don't like or don't devalue things they don't understand, we still very much need labels and we still need people to share their stories and act as role models.

He doesn’t want to move school as he has friends and to be honest I think it happens in lots of schools.

Not necessarily, bullying can be school specific, and there may be more gay kids in another school.

You say he has friends but you also say he hardly goes out and stays in his room. Where are they? He seems to have one female friend he sees.

Does the counsellor have a background with LGTBQIA* clients? She may well have resources for local social groups . I know some of my clients find them very helpful!

So true! 🎯
Streaming {when it was done years ago} was such a relief for many kids- the bullies seemed to be streamed out and went to different classes so as to not bother the rest.

Colleges are much nicer environments generally.

https://switchboard.lgbt/ might be useful for both you and him. They do both chat and phone. They're used to talking to isolated gay people, including teens.

There might not be one near you, but introduce him to the concept of LGBTQ+ sports clubs. E.g. you could go to the Eurogames (annual), or the Gay Games (2026). Lots of gay teens really get into the partying scene the moment they leave home if they don't have a good, healthy support network, so sports could really help him.

Even if there is no specific LGBTQ sports club near you, netball and swimming have a lot of gay men. Not counting ballet :)

I really don’t think you have any experience of being gay or having close family who are gay. Straight people don’t need to think about their sexuality-society is geared up for them. If you’re realising you’re different from the norm, of course you’re going to focus on it. That’s why it's helpful to meet others who have gone through the same thing-to realise that you can live a normal life and that your sexuality is ok. And it’s not about enjoying something produced by someone who has the same sexuality-it!s about realising that the feelings you’re having, the difficulties, the things you have to come to terms with-other people have done it too. Straight people don’t have to seek out role models because they’re everywhere-and they don’t have to consider the implications of being straight- will people still like them, will they be held nback in anyway-or-will they be bullied for being straight?

That’s good to hear. I’m really glad to hear the school are acting on it. It can feel incredibly slow though when you’re living through it.

Eli Lebowitz has done some good research on child and adolescent anxiety and I found his advice on how to distinguish between supporting and accommodating anxiety, as a parent, very helpful. I think he has a book out now, but you can find some of the research papers online too.

I’m not based in the UK so I can’t advise on homeschooling but if it comes to that, look for parent groups on Facebook who may be able to direct you to resources. They tend to be a bit overstretched and not advertised, and it’s very much about word of mouth. But there are ways and means that don’t require you to give up your job, and miraculously become an expert in 6 subjects. Hopefully it won’t come to that though.

It’s such a scary place to be with your child.

Yes the make up comments are ridiculous. I get where they are coming from ("he is making himself a target of the bigots/bullies"), but our lives shouldn't be dictated to by idiots. We don't pander to them. He likes make up and it makes him happy, that's all that matters.

Also not sure on the taking up karate/self defence classes. He should be allowed to go about his business without worrying about being attacked. My cousin (also gay), he has never been near a gym in his life. He is very effeminate and would laugh at the suggestion he takes up some martial art. Similar to 'should he wear make up or not', he shouldn't have his life dictated to by having to do something he has no inclination for.

It’s clear how much you care for your son, and it’s great that you’re so supportive. He can absolutely lead a normal, happy life, even though things feel overwhelming now.

Encourage him to keep focusing on what he enjoys and maybe suggest joining a local LGBTQ+ group to meet others who get what he’s going through. That support can really help.

It’s also great that you’ve already gotten him some professional help— things will get better with time, they did for me.

No. Sigh. As I explained - twice - because of the overwhelm and other things.

I work with young people, ND, NT and LBTQ. I do know a bit about it.

I do wonder what goes through people's minds sometimes.

I am really genuinely shocked with some of the comments on this thread.

This is the LGBT youth board.

Have I gone back in time to the 80s?