Worried for my gay son

[Tracecoomby]

Morning, my son came out to us when he was 11 very young.he is 15 now

We are fully supportive and just want him to be happy and safe. Over the last three years he has been really struggling at school with anxiety due to homophobic language used towards him he started self harming a couple of weeks ago which was such a shock. we have managed to get him some counselling through our doctor but not sure this is going to be enough. He is terrified about his life and what he’s going to be like worried that he’s going to go out when he’s older and be beaten up after reading numerous stories online. Feels that people are looking at him judging him because he wears make up I just am looking for some reassurance that I can give him for his future so that he doesn’t feel completely overwhelmed. As parents we are also worried about what life is going to be like for him he’s so sensitive and unconfident and Spends the majority of time in his bedroom. We’ve put things in place to help with his self harming urges and talk to him constantly about how he’s feeling he has friends at school but just really struggles so worried for him, thanks Tracy

How about watching with him tv programs such as Heartstopper (on Netflix) which have positive representations of gay teen romance? And then discussing with him about the positive aspects of being gay? I know the program is super popular among my daughter’s group of friends who include a large number of LGBTQ teenagers.

Do you know any gay adults who might be able to discuss with him their experiences and give some reassurances? If not, there are a number of charities that run mentorship programs which could help (he might need to be 16 for some of them).

Your son needs martial arts/ self-defense training. Maybe weight lifting. Bullies prey on the weak.

Secondary schools are hell on earth for anyone who is not deemed 'normal' by the football-obsessed yobs and the girls who know deep down that being queen bitch of Year 10 will be the highpoint of their lives and it's all downhill from here.

He just needs to keep his head down, get his GCSEs and then he's free. College is completely different - the students actually want to be there, the bullies and thickos go off to be NEETs or to the YOI or to impregnate each other, and everyone else breaths a sigh of relief.

This is heartbreaking. I just hope he knows that in all likelihood, school is going the be the worst of it and he is so close to moving on the from that crappy, homophobic world. He just needs to hang on in there from a mental health perspective.

The world outside of school isn't perfect and homophobia-free but it's going to be so much better for him. College/uni are great for finding your group of friends, but even if he doesn't go on to more education, he can still find a supportive community as he heads into the world of work.

He is going to have a wonderful life, he just needs to get through this shit period of time.

It’s not "wrong" for him to wear make-up, but if wearing it causes problems for him that outweigh the confidence boost it gives him, I question whether it might be more pragmatic for him to tone it down. I understand if he feels he doesn’t want to stop on principle, but that’s his choice.

My kiddo got a lot out of joining a nearby LGBTQ group. I think it was run by someone from the kids social services dept as well, it was fab.

Both of my kids have been bullied for sexual orientation, gender expression, name, body shape, glasses, autistic behaviours. I went through the same. When leaving school, it just doesn't tend to be a thing at college, and I didn't experience any of that at uni. School is brutal.

To those saying he shouldn't wear make up, how do we respond when we are asked what we were wearing when we were assaulted? We all have the right to self expression. Whether it's a little make up on a boy, dressing in goth clothes or having glasses or liking that short skirt, we all have that right to wear them. It's people's attitudes which need checking.

People are bringing up the make-up because you specifically said in the OP that he Feels that people are looking at him judging him because he wears make up That's a direct quote that I copied and pasted and the fact is that the make-up could very well be exacerbating the issue.

It's all very well that he should be able to wear a bit of make-up if he wants (if it's allowed in school). He 100% should have the same freedom as the girls do if that's what he likes. But if it is contributing to him being bullied or feeling like he might be bullied, then maybe it is worth having a conversation about. Just because in an ideal world he would feel better in make-up doesn't mean that it is helping him in the day to day that he's living. He's 15, it's not his job to have to stand up and create an ideal world at the expense of his current sense of ease. It could well be that for now, the make-up might be something to put to one side. He won't always be in secondary school feeling isolated, it's a few years.

And it's not always the worst thing to put 'our true selves' to one side in order to fit in. There are times when fitting in, even if it means compromise, is the far better option. When I was 15 my two best friends loved boy bands and I loved obscure sci-fi. I could have been 'true to myself' and had no friends, or I could put up with them talking too much about Mark Owen and having people to hang out with and talk about the things we had in common. As it turns out, they brought me to a sci-fi group they'd read about in the local paper and then I had two groups of friends. One where I could share my interests and one where my oldest friends had cared enough about me that they helped me find something that was very strange to them but they knew I liked. And in both groups I was my true self because my true self was never just one thing. And as overwhelming as it may seem, being gay is just one part of who your son is. Focussing on being true to that to the expense of the other aspects of who he is won't help him become a fully rounded, happier person.

@glittercunt Yep. When I was 15 I dressed how I felt comfortable and, in part, precisely to annoy the sort of people who would take offence. However, I was quite a scrappy boy at 15 and not lacking in self confidence.

MrsForgetalot we’re definitely not passive in how we’re dealing with this and the school we are in contact on a daily basis. His tutor is putting lots of different ways to support , parents have been called in students have been dealt with we’re doing everything we possibly can to make his time at school for the last few months bearable we can to get him through his exams if we could afford to homeschool him we would. We do not project our own fears onto him. Just support and encourage him to get out of his life as much as he feels able to thanks for your comments

https://lgballiance.org.uk/our-helpline-is-open/

This may be useful for either you or your son.

keely79 he loves all those programs I follow is a lot of really LGBTQ+ people on his social media which do really help unfortunately on TikTok sometimes post come up about gay hate crimes,

I'm surprised and disappointed to hear he's experiencing this. Whereabouts in the country are you? I've lived in a few places and have always had plenty of gay and straight friends and I've never known anyone make an issue of it. At my SD's school I think it's more of a taboo to be completely straight! 😂

Please reassure him that in cities and big towns there are huge gay communities and modern workplaces do not bat an eye or care about your sexuality beyond wanting to do what they can to make you the best you can be at your job.

Have you taken him to Pride events locally?

Hi OP. I don’t really have any constructive advice that hasn’t already been given but I did just want to say that your son is probably in the thick of it right now, high school kids can be absolutely brutal especially if you don’t fit in. He is certainly not alone in being gay, homophobia is quite rightly judged harshly but most adults in society. You just have to look on tv to see how widely accepted it is and celebrated. I live in Brighton and there are many, many gay/lesbian/trans people living very happy and fulfilling lives, with partners and great careers. I hope your son’s life will become a great detail better when school is out the way and people mature.

Can only suggest change the things you can.
A confidence building course maybe? You could do it together.
https://www.milestone-coaching.co.uk/products/confidence-and-life-skills-for-teenagers

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/your-feelings/mental-health/?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAoO_dQnZzGfZB5Gfwxk0UcHzQ4EAm&gclid=EAIaIQobChMImpTU3ojyiAMVpZhQBh1ocQ9zEAAYAyAAEgLsuvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

https://www.princes-trust.org.uk

I’m sure as your son gets older he’ll meet a more diverse group of people at 6th form college and Uni. Right now he needs his confidence building and learning strategies to put down bullies.

I think this is a good point . Of course he should be able to wear make up freely without risk but unfortunately in this world (and this school) it seems he can't. It's not right but I understand what people mean when they say this because, as women , we can relate to it...adjusting our behaviors to minimize risk (not walking alone in quiet spaces, considering our outfit choice etc). I wish your son all the luck in the world and hope he has many happy times ahead.

Tell him there are many beauty gurus now who are male.

Please try and direct him to positive things to look at rather than nasty ugly comments. Unfortunately the hateful ones are louder online but there are many many places that are accepting.

Try modifying his social media to reflect only positive things. Like following things he is interested in and male beauty artists. Mmmmitchell is a great one. Wayne goss. They have many accepting fans and love them for who they are.

When we are exposed to hateful words all of the time then of course we believe that the verbatim is the actual narrative when it isn't.

I would also limit his social media activity. Tell him online isn't real life and to spend time away doing things he enjoys and loves to build up his self esteem in real life.

I feel a lot better with less social media time.

Thank you so muchX

He could do with speaking to someone who’s been in his shoes, to tell him that a lot of 15 year old schoolboys are twats and once he’s 18 the world is his oyster. Maybe a trip to a gay friendly place like Manchester or Brighton would help him to see that life isn’t always going to be how it is now.

Tell me I am homophobic without telling me I am homophobic.

If course it is completely different to 40 years ago. The law, marriage, human rights, social ignorance is less. And it of course will be different in 40 years old.

Why on earth should be not be able to choose makeup due to bigotry ignorant knuckle grazing individuals that need education and discipline.

Honestly sometimes I despair. He needs to find support, LGBTQ in person peer group, perhaps some older people podcasts that discuss their navigating school and teen years. And most of all know having his family on his side will be powerful.

I see my cousin, gay and proud now 60 and remember that teen he was. Scared and anxious of his future. Nasty ignorant bullies.

I see him now happily married, trying to give back to his community to support those who come in the foot steps behind.

We love Brighton go there lots 😊

We are looking at taking him to some pride events xx

What a shame people have fixated on the make up. If he's allowed to wear it in school then he's allowed to wear it, and it's up to others to get over it.

I'm sure it's occurred to him to not wear it. He's decided to keep wearing it.

I agree with a Pp that it seems quite unusual these days for schoolkids to bully people for being gay.

Oh stop it.

Sorry but the comments people are making about stopping wearing makeup are awful, why do you feel like he should stop expressing himself as he wishes? Might as well be saying he should go back in the closet. He should be able to wear it without fear of judgement but teenagers can be so harsh especially if you have something about you that makes you stand out rather than conform.

Agree with the PP who suggests maybe going to visit a gay friendly place or finding a local lgbtq group for support where there will be like minded people.