Worried for my gay son

[Tracecoomby]

Morning, my son came out to us when he was 11 very young.he is 15 now

We are fully supportive and just want him to be happy and safe. Over the last three years he has been really struggling at school with anxiety due to homophobic language used towards him he started self harming a couple of weeks ago which was such a shock. we have managed to get him some counselling through our doctor but not sure this is going to be enough. He is terrified about his life and what he’s going to be like worried that he’s going to go out when he’s older and be beaten up after reading numerous stories online. Feels that people are looking at him judging him because he wears make up I just am looking for some reassurance that I can give him for his future so that he doesn’t feel completely overwhelmed. As parents we are also worried about what life is going to be like for him he’s so sensitive and unconfident and Spends the majority of time in his bedroom. We’ve put things in place to help with his self harming urges and talk to him constantly about how he’s feeling he has friends at school but just really struggles so worried for him, thanks Tracy

So much thinly veiled homophobia on this thread. Has he considered….not wearing makeup? Oh yeah because that’s the problem, not the bullies. Why do people know about a 15 year old’s sexuality? You wouldn’t bat an eyelid about 15 yo boys and girls having boy and girlfriends. If people don’t know he’s gay, they’d assume straight - it’s not like everyone thinks teenagers are asexual but it’s only gay/bisexual people accused of rubbing it in people’s face. Quite a depressing read.

The risk with any group including T - and obviously this is ridiculous and absolutely shouldn’t happen - is that your son might be encouraged to think that makeup equates to a feminine or nonbinary gender identity or that it would be easier to be a ‘straight transgirl’ than a gay boy. As a pp said, his best bet is the LGB Alliance helpline.

Il be completely honest. One of my stepbrothers (mums side) did get badly beaten up in Edinburgh after a night out but its the only time (once is too much) and other than that he's been alright. My other stepbrother (dad's side) has faced absolutely no homophobia. I guess it's like everything in life, my son could be beaten up too because someone doesn't like him but you can't go through life worrying about what if's.

School is a much harsher environment, I'd imagine due to the immaturity of the children compared to when he's an adult. He just needs to find his tribe and hopefully he will have a happy life. Most people go through some shit in their life and you need to focus on building resilience and reminding him its just one chapter in his book of life and there will be many, happy fun chapters too. What his sexuality is doesn't define him.

My nephew is gay. 30 now. He grew up in a working class town in the west of Scotland - his school friends and brother were really supportive and protective of him. But he didn't wear make up. I do think you have to be realistic about the make up. It isn't helping him to live in his community - it is provoking people. That may not be fair or reasonable but it is just a fact. Could he be persuaded dropbit?

You asked a question about why he "shouldn’t" wear make-up and then answered it yourself: He should be able to wear it without fear of judgement but teenagers can be so harsh especially if you have something about you that makes you stand out rather than conform. Yes, he should be able to wear it without being bullied but if it is drawing unwanted attention to him, perhaps it would improve his life at school if he didn’t wear it there. If he chooses to wear it anyway because he thinks that the confidence it gives him outweighs the aggravation, that’s up to him.

Girls and women should be able to walk home alone at night through dark alleys, but I’d rather my daughters didn’t.

I think if all you know is cities and big towns, which tend to have large populations of liberal, educated, and artsy people, it can be a big surprise as to how conservative, parochial, and small-minded huge areas of the country are. Even in rural areas like ours, which is affluent and broadly liberal, there are a small number of chaotic/criminal families, who have held a reign of terror in secondary schools (and the wider community) often going back decades. Their dads were beating up kids for being 'poofs' 20 years ago and their (many) offspring are still doing it now. And if you object, wait until Uncle Tommy gets out of prison...

Unfortunately other children can be brutal.

If one ''raises one's head above the parapet'' of what the other kids consider 'normal' then one just does get 'teased' about it.

It's not 'wrong' to wear make up, but if it brings unwanted attention, then maybe leave it off at school?

As a gay guy, I completely understand. It's really difficult in school because you're stuck with a bunch of kids with no world/life experience and with no emotional maturity. Anyone who's different is going to be singled out and that goes doubly for someone who's gay because there's so much embedded homophobia still in society that says gay people are something abnormal. It's so much better than it used to be but it's still there.

The makeup thing is tricky. Are people using homophobic language towards him because of the makeup or because they actually know him to be gay? Take away the makeup and he's still a gay kid. Is there any guarantee it'll make things better? Asking him to stop wearing it could be counter productive. He's 15. he's starting to form his identify and figure out who he is. How we presents himself outwardly is a big part of that. For him, having to hide away and repress his identify could end up doing more damage mentally than dealing with the bullying. I can't speak for him so I don't know. What I am saying is telling someone who's being bullied to stop being themselves to avoid being a target can be just as dangerous. Take away the makeup and he's still a gay kid. How much does he need to hide to fly under the radar? So many people have their adult lives plagued by repressed, internalised homophobia because of the things thy had to do to hide their identify and that can be so damaging in the long term.

Other posters are right in that it would be great to get him connected to groups where he can meet with other gay people his own age or a mix of ages. In your sons case, I don't necessarily mean support based groups that focus on working through negative experiences because it sounds like your son is overwhelmed by fears that being gay means danger lurks around every corner. Support groups could end up reinforcing that if he isn't in the right headspace. Spaces for gay teens that are focused on positivity, connection and even creativity would be great - even if you have to go somewhere a bit further afield. He can get support to process the negative experiences separately and you're already exploring those options.

I think it's also important to find more mixed spaces that he can go to outside of the school environment where he'll be welcomed and have an opportunity to see that the wider world isn't full of those sorts of people. It's fine to gravitate towards other gay people and it's important to be around people with shared experiences but it's also important to see that you can belong anywhere and that your differences don't need to set you apart. He might need to build more confidence before he gets to that stage though because there could be a few risks there.

He'll never be free from the possibility of homophobia. He'll never be able to guarantee no one's judging him for wearing makeup. What will happen is that he'll go out into the world after school, he'll find his place and his people (gay or otherwise) and he'll see that those people and experiences are the minority and his confidence will grow. Right now it's about supporting him until he gets to that stage. Get him connected to things that broaden his experiences beyond school and make sure he's supported for his mental health. He's reading horror stories and painting a bleak picture of his future so help him balance that with the positive stories that he's probably skipping over as he hones in on the things that reinforce his fears. We all do that in a lot of ways.

OP one other point (sorry this has ended up a bit of a ramble); where do you live? City? Small town? Most cities will have at least one district that's a big more wacky or artsy and tends to have people from all walks of live wandering around in all sorts of looks. Maybe take him a few day trips to places like that for a coffee and some people watching. Show him what life is like in different places and outside the confines of teen/school life.

I've made some of the comments you take issue with.

I can assure you that my suggestions are based on years and years of bullying that my son has suffered (autism/disabilist bullying) - and how we resolved it. Not on homophobia. Absolutely no way.

My point was that OP's son is trapped in this school with these bullies. I'm not saying the makeup is the problem. The bullies are the problem. But they aren't going to be dealt with - bitter, bitter experience. So either OP's son tries to get off their radar (and they will definitely bully someone else), or they will bully him until either he or they leave the school. Again, bitter experience.

I can't see any homophobia on this thread. Some people just chuck that term out willy nilly without thinking. Everyone has been as helpful as they can be as far as I can see.

I don't have a gay child, but I do have many gay friends. With all due respect and acknowledgement of the struggles that he is having now, the future will be very different. As his world expands beyond the small bubble of school, so he will find more open-minds, liberal attitudes and acceptance. Assuming that he will go to university, he should also make having a gay community a criteria.... Think Brighton, Manchester or Bristol.

The make-up thing is interesting. It is quite assertive or even confrontational/provocative in school. On one hand I can see that in immediate terms it makes him feel better but when other people and their prejudices are brought into the mix, I do wonder if being true to oneself is worth it? A bit like going to Tesco in a ball gown. It looks and feels fab at home, but when in aisle 6, the stares and comments wear you down....

I understand the posters suggesting he finds a LGB club to join, but I would also suggest that he finds activities /clubs/ organisations to join , either in or out of school, that aren’t specifically LGB.

I think if he only focusses on his sexuality, which is clearly giving him distress and anxiety at the moment , he is not focussing on becoming a confident outgoing young person with a wide range of interests. Of course his sexuality is important, but it isn’t every thing about him, he needs to develop friendships and interests that enhance him as a young man, that way he is developing confidence in relationships and friendships that raise his self esteem, which will stand him in good stead and be a lot more helpful to him when it comes to expressing his sexuality than sitting in his bedroom.

Right and you think that will get them off his back and they will magically forget that they used to pick on him and suddenly ignore him or even be his friend? No, that usually does not work. They will find something else to target. I was bullied at school. Didn’t matter how much I tried to conform, wear the right clothes etc, I was still bullied.

Oh calm down with that. Most spaces for the community label themselves as LGBTQ+ because that's the generally accepted abbreviation now. Not every group or space is honing in on the T part or trying to push an agenda. You're not going to walk into a LGBTQ badminton group and come out with breasts. The vast majority are just creating spaces where people can come and be together in a safe environment with people who have shared experiences.

Op, it sounds like your son is obsessed with the fact that he is gay. Surely, somebody's sexuality is just one facet of their psyche /sexuality? Heterosexuals don't see their whole self as being linked purely to their sexual orientation so most gay people must be the same. It appears your son is hyper focused on being gay. He's 15. Does he not have interests, friends, career goals in life? I don't understand things like a pp said she did for her gay daughter and sought out a lesbian author. Why is that neccesary? I don't care whether an Author is gay or straight as long as I enjoy their work. Seeking out people saying things like, "I am a lesbian/gay Author, Artist, Dancer, Lawyer etc just seems the opposite of inclusivity. It implies that If you're gay you can only enjoy something if it's also produced by a gay person.

Your son absolutely should be able to wear make up if that's what makes him feel comfortable. But your assertion that he is being bullied because he is gay and definitely not because he is wearing make up is sadly very mistaken. It's not right at all, but a 15 year old boy wearing foundation and mascara is definitely more of a target for bullying than just being gay which in this day and age is barely noteworthy unless they are going around telling everyone and being annoying about it.

It shouldn't be the case, (I simply cannot stress this enough, but we have to live in the real world, which is not ideal, and adapt ourselves to deal with) but you really need to help your son do one of two things, either to not wear make up unless he is in a more supportive environment (at home or with friends who are more accepting, or when he goes to college or university) or to grow a really, really thick skin (perhaps with the help of therapy or counselling) to be able to let as much of the bullying as he can bounce off him. I'm glad to hear the school is proactive though, it isn't in many schools.

Best of luck to your boy, and yourself trying to help him, from a mother of a just turned 16 year old lesbian.

What a rude and unnecessary comment! You think because he’s gay he is autistic?!!

Think that would be a massive help. Being in his room with little interaction would make him feel isolated and overwhelmed. Hearing from others in a similar boat would alleviate that. When he sees that being gay is totally fine that should lift his anxieties.

So yes OP, expose him to LGB(T) groups/friends.

I haven't lived everywhere, but I do live in a small, rural village now, the type of place where everyone knows everyone's business and a lot of that business is gay. There's a very well-respected salon and everyone knows the gay couple that own it, the boy who used to live next door went through a few girlfriends and boyfriends in the time he lived there, and there's never been any big deal made of it even with the more conservative people. I don't know what their day-to-day lives are like though, maybe it's very different when I'm not looking.

I don't understand things like a pp said she did for her gay daughter and sought out a lesbian author. Why is that neccesary? I don't care whether an Author is gay or straight as long as I enjoy their work. Seeking out people saying things like, "I am a lesbian/gay Author, Artist, Dancer, Lawyer etc just seems the opposite of inclusivity. It implies that If you're gay you can only enjoy something if it's also produced by a gay person.

No it’s so that they can see healthy and successful role models and feel less alone. It’s not the opposite of inclusivity.

Why is it intrusive? Sexuality is about attraction as much as it's about sex. Did no one in your school talk about who they fancied or celebrities they had a crush on? As soon as you do that, you've revealed your sexuality. Kids are talking about their sexuality all the time without necessarily talking about sex. It's just that the term sexuality makes it sound more vulgar than it it.

Does anyone really believe he is the only gay child in the school? Do you mean he’s got no friends at school at all? Perhaps the school could set up a lunchtime group for such children - , not gay but vulnerable and socially alone. He’s clearly got some irrational beliefs and fears, and I hope the counselling is helping him.