Worried for my gay son

[Tracecoomby]

Morning, my son came out to us when he was 11 very young.he is 15 now

We are fully supportive and just want him to be happy and safe. Over the last three years he has been really struggling at school with anxiety due to homophobic language used towards him he started self harming a couple of weeks ago which was such a shock. we have managed to get him some counselling through our doctor but not sure this is going to be enough. He is terrified about his life and what he’s going to be like worried that he’s going to go out when he’s older and be beaten up after reading numerous stories online. Feels that people are looking at him judging him because he wears make up I just am looking for some reassurance that I can give him for his future so that he doesn’t feel completely overwhelmed. As parents we are also worried about what life is going to be like for him he’s so sensitive and unconfident and Spends the majority of time in his bedroom. We’ve put things in place to help with his self harming urges and talk to him constantly about how he’s feeling he has friends at school but just really struggles so worried for him, thanks Tracy

Hi yes the school are involved & are helping as much as they can x

What have the school put in place regarding the bullying? Have you considered moving schools?

Spending all his time in his room will be really harmful for his mental health. He needs fresh air and exercise and to socialise. Is there nothing locally he can do? No groups, societies, clubs? Have you tried meetup.com to see what's going on in the area?

He doesn’t want to move school as he has friends and to be honest I think it happens in lots of schools. He has an exit card for when he is in class if he becomes too overwhelmed so he can go and sit with his tutor in the class that she’s teaching they offered counselling but he doesn’t like the lady who does the counselling sessions so we organised private counselling for him. He has been told to report any incidents that happen and they will deal with it straight away and to be honest, they have been quite good.

I’m more worried about how to encourage him for the future. He’s absolutely terrified about what’s going to happen to him when he becomes older and starts socialising in clubs bars things like that about hate crimes online we have told him to stop doing this as it is not good for his mental health and I’ve put block certain websites.

As a parent, I’m just so worried about him I don’t want him to struggle through life. It’s heartbreaking. He’s such a lovely. We have tried to encourage him to join groups but he just doesn’t have the confidence to do this. He sees a friend at the weekend. She comes round to stay and I can hear them laughing. Walks together sometimes down to the local shop to buy themselves some treats we take him to the cinema go out for dinner sometimes as a family go for walks if the weather is fine, which isn’t very often in the UK

I know people often say this on here, but have you considered ND?

Sorry what is ND ? X

Could you perhaps find a local LGBTQ youth group that he could go to? Meeting slightly older teens who have gone through similar might help allay his fears? Or find ones with online meet ups to start perhaps if he is more comfortable with that?

Dd is 17 and has a few gay friends. They all moved to a large 6th form college after GCSEs. Would he move after his GCSEs?
The school definitely need to deal with this though

Also he may well find it easier once he leaves school as he may find his “tribe” more easily at university.

Neurodiversity.

The anxiety isn't normal, but it may be exacerbated by the bullying in the school. Have you looked around any other schools? Maybe after his GCSE's you could move him somewhere with a better atmosphere.

Are there many schools or sixth forms around where you are? A fresh start would probably do him a world of good.

Evidently he is out in school, but did he purposely come out?

Sorry Tracy- neuro diversity. I wondered if he might be autistic.

Sorry, but that’s a really inappropriate comment about him wearing make up! If it makes him feel good about himself and of course we’re going to let him wear make up he doesn’t wear a full face of drag make up he wears foundation and a little bit of mascara because it makes him feel more confident Everything we can to support and protect him I don’t think wearing make up is a big deal I think this day and age it shouldn’t be made to feel wrong. This is part of the problem of what my son is having to deal

If the school allows make up then of course make up is fine!

Blanketyre Thank you no, he’s not on the spectrum, but thank you for clarifying that for meX

Here are some organisations you might find useful:

Consortium
consortium.lgbt/member-directory
Directory of services and groups for people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender.

Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLAG)
fflag.org.uk
Offers support to parents, friends and family members of those who identify as LGBT+.

Hub of Hope
hubofhope.co.uk
UK-wide mental health service database. Lets you search for local, national, peer, community, charity, private and NHS mental health support. You can filter results to find specific kinds of support.

mindout.org.uk
Mental health service run by and for LGBTQ+ people.

Pink Therapy
pinktherapy.com
Online directory of qualified therapists who identify as or are understanding of minority sexual and gender identities.

Advice on what to do about homophobic bullying at school:
https://www.petertatchellfoundation.org/homophobic-bullying-at-school-advice/

Does the school have an LGBTQ club or anything like that where he can mix with "safer" people?

It should be the bullies who are removed from the class and not him. He misses his lessons by being able to skip out. It should be the other kids being immediately removed. The school is NOT doing everything it can to stop this and you need to start really kicking off about how they are failing him.

This might sound weird - but does he have any contact or older role models in real life - gay men just living a normal life / being married having normal jobs / pets etc?
Are there and "out" teachers at his school who can talk to him and help him see that his life wont be a constant trail of hate crimes? He may have become hyper aware of any risk after watching too many things online.

School can be really hard for gay kids and also any kid who has a marked difference. He will hopefully start to blossom when he gets out of school and is more able to pick and choose who he spends his time with.

Thanks for replying. I work with some ND kids and the overwhelm and obsessions with safety sounded familiar. Good luck- you sound like a lovely supportive mum.

I think the comments about telling him not to wear make up are really off.

I was thinking along these lines, not sure if groups are a thing at his age as he is still quite young but what will help him a lot is finding “his tribe” as he gets older. I also think in my experience the homophobic jokes etc (which are not okay at all at any age) do seem to get less and less common as you grow up and get older. 15 year old’s can be arseholes about anything, I remember boys in my school at that age throwing around homophobic insults, nasty jokes about girls on their period, nasty comments about people who were “dating”/kissing, sexual insults and jokes, even jokes about people who wore glasses it’s all very immature nasty craic that is unfortunately quite common in that age group. But once I was at sixth form and especially once I was at uni this was all pretty much non-existent, maybe partly because especially once at uni people find their people and their tribe, it’s no longer just one person to pick on, that person is part of their own much bigger group and there’s power in numbers. It is a really hard situation to deal with though currently because they are at an age where anyone who looks different/behaves different/likes different things is an “odd one out” and nasty kids will always use that to pick on those people.

Why? He's 15 and feels vulnerable and anxious when he's out and about. There is no reason for children to be wearing make-up and he's worried that he's going to be beaten up FFS!

But from your original post, it DOESN'T make him feel good about himself. It draws unwanted, homophobic attention at school, and feeds his anxiety.

It's like scratching your eczema or something - it's a great idea at that moment in time, but yikes you regret it half an hour later!

Where has he got the idea from that being gay means he'll be in danger? Has he watched or read something that he's found upsetting? It sounds like he need to be exposed to some more positive examples of being LGB, seeing happy well adjuated LGB people just getting with normal life and being supported in their lives and communities.

Most large schools will have several LGB students and some areas may have suitable LGB social groups for teens. Can you help him meet other more confident LGB kids who are about his age so he can see that it's really not as terrifying out there as he seems to think it is.

Does your area have a Pride celebration? Perhaps look to engage with the family friendly parts of that so he can see normal, happy and confident gay people as role models.

Keep an eye on his Internet use, he sounds vulnerable he could be an easy target for online bullies or predators.