DS went to GP to ask for gender referral without parental consent

[PerchedOnEdge]

NC for this.

DS(just turned 15) went to GP surgery to ask for gender clinic referral without parental consent. GP surgery of course turned him away. Now DS is trying to involve me as result.

Is this completely out if the blue? No.

Lately he has been testing waters by wearing skirt and tights in his school. His school did phone us about it a few days after the fact. DS has been insisting it was just for fun. Denial more like.

And now he is coming out with all "I have been thinking about it every day for the last 4 years. I am a girl"

To us there is nothing "girly" about him. He was a stereotypical boy toddler who say everything stick shaped as gun, lego, no hint of effeminateness about him. All his friends are boys and they are gaming with each other.

I also admit I have seen a lot of the negative trans material and really don't want him to be one of those trans people. I know one MtF IRL and that person is everything I don't want DS to be, but then I am closer to trans widow. I would have been happy if DS just came out as gay!

On the other hand, it really took long for DS to open up fully and I don't want to lose that open line of communication.

I know we are hardly unique in this situation and I know I should be reading more stories here but I am scared it all ends in tears and losing each other...if I don't take completely affirmative approach. Can gender dysphoria go away completely?

This is going to be an epidemic in the very near future. It sounds like your son has found sissification and so the idea of being a women, of colonising womanhood, has become a sexual fetish.

This is much more likely than being born in the wrong body or a boy with no mental health comorbidities, no history of abuse and no pre pubescent history of dysphoria wanting to take female hormones and wear tights. Porn is such a huge problem now.

I would have his phone and any internet linked device he has scrubbed down to squeaky clean and supervise, monitor and control his future internet use. It’s unrealistic to not have any internet use - most schools require it for homework apart from anything else, but he doesn’t need to be online unsupervised, he doesn’t need to be on any sites with pornographic content, paraphillic content or chat facilities. He should not be in his room alone with access to the internet AT ALL. Ideally he needs to be in his room MUCH less - get out more and keep him busier. Restrict his phone data, use your router to limit WiFi when there is no supervision. If he has an addiction then he will rage against this and try anything to get around it. It’s not a punishment, it’s his mum helping him. He doesn’t need to be “banned” from the internet or from online gaming, he needs to be supervised so he’s not accessing content he can’t deal with.
There is no point going to a gender affirming therapist to talk through his feelings about what medicalisation he needs to become his “authentic self” if the actual problem is sissification fantasy. Paraphilia will ruin his life - it’s completely all encompassing and easily progresses to illegal behaviour. Fingers crossed that it’s just an adolescent, completely normal and age appropriate if rather angsty and painful expression of emerging self (what we used to unapologetically call “a phase”), but you would be absolutely negligent to not consider the possibility of damaging pornography.

Watchful waiting is the only cure for this. If he goes through with chopping parts of his body off, he's going to be suicidal once the euphoria wears off.

the advice in this thread is going to drive a wedge between you and him. i didnt feel understood talking to my mom about it and i just gave up and starved myself to stunt puberty instead. it doesnt have to be that way.
read accounts from every side, people with crippling sex dysphoria who transitioned, agps autobiographies, detransitioners, parents who initially doubted but later became accepting, estranged parents, then talk to him as seriously as you would if it was a serious mental illness and see which stories draw the most parallels to his.
wearing a skirt to school is social suicide most places what did u care enough about to risk that as a child?

I honestly can't believe how transphobic this site it. Your poor child.

Fins out who's been brainwashing him as he won't have decided this off his own back, someone will have been filling his head with this nonsense.

I’d reach out to the bayswater parenting group, which is a community of parents trying to navigate this - many now rather expert. They have a list of non affirming and neutral therapists too. TransgenderTrend have great resources and can direct to people who you can talk to. I’d not take most of the advice here, though from experience, remaining neutral and not affirming (per the Cass Report advice) is wise at this stage.

It's your job to support your child and I sincerely hope your reaction here comes from shock and you'll step up and do a better job soon.

Medical professionals do not take transition. It is a slow and rigorous process with lots of counselling and therapy along the way.

I sincerely hope your child gets the support they need.

I'm so sorry you've had to read some of the vile comments on here.

I have to be honest, as a parent this would be something I’d have no idea how to navigate. Perhaps it would be an idea to reserve judgement for now and agree to attending the gp appt in the first instance. The gp can organise a referral to specialist services, where people who are actually qualified in dealing with this can help you all. If it is the case that someone is influencing him via the internet/ social media or whatever, that will become apparent during discussions with the psychologist / other professionals. This may not be a passing phase or the influence of anyone , so don’t try and deal with it yourself, there are people out there who can help you as a family ( none of which frequent mn) - access them.

@PerchedOnEdge

I'm surprised that GP surgery "turned a 15 year old away". Unless you are not in UK whatever happened to "Gillick Competence"?

There is a high correlation with neurodivergence and body dysmorphia.
OP, has your son displayed any neurodivergent traits?

Oh, just seen that this thread is a few months old.

OP, how are things going?

This child has done none of those things, and cannot right now. But isn't it great - the OP provided toy GUNS and LEGO. How dare this child not grow up male and straight? I bet they were taken to stately homes too.

Don't be so ridiculous. How many times have we read about trans-identifying people talking about how they always knew they were the opposite gender because they always liked x,y or z stereotypically 'boyish' or 'girly' toys or clothes etc. Somehow that stereotypical bullshit is accepted as proof that you're a different sex/gender. But when the OP points out that her son has not even displayed any tendency towards gender non-conformity or liking of stereotypically feminine things as a younger child, somehow that's offensive?

Oh and by the way, this child will grow up male. It's not possible for him to do otherwise.

Several posters have recommended a visit to Kiwifarms. Introducing a teenager to Kiwifarms is an extremely bad idea. Kiwifarms is a large site and my guess is that no one on MN has looked beyond the anti-trans content there. Kiwifarms is a place where hate and bullying against a long list of groups of humans thrive, including racism, misogyny, ableism, antisemtism, homophobia and many more. Many posters there are very disturbed people. No teenager should be exposed to that. Someone who visits only briefly and sees only one thread they agree with might not realize what Kiwifarms community is. Before you show kiwifarms to a teenager please consider if you want that teenager to spend time in parts of Kiwifarms that are not trans-focused. The coarse, edgelord humor of KF users could be very attractive to a teen.

Seriously, don't tell any children to visit Kiwifarms, it's a place only marginally better than 4chan and 8kun.

This child has done none of those things, and cannot right now. But isn't it great - the OP provided toy GUNS and LEGO. How dare this child not grow up male and straight? I bet they were taken to stately homes too.

Impressively poor comprehension skills right there.

Gays don't take drugs 😀

Impressively poor comprehension skills right there.

Be completely honest with him.

He is your child and you will always love him.

You cannot change your sex, it is impossible.

You can take medication and have surgery to become a facsimile of a woman, but (big but) there are risks associated with both surgery and drugs.

When a clinic says there is a 1% chance of bad thing A, 2% of bad thing C, 1% of bad thing D what they don't tell you is the majority of people have at least 2 of the bad things.

Very sensitive question, has he ever had an orgasm? Treatment can mean that he will never have another.

You will investigate things together.

Look up 'Alexis Blake' on YouTube who is as down to earth as a person can be. Alexis always says, "I'm a trans woman, biologically male".

Keep talking and keep lstening.