Ds 13 being groomed /social media / Gay

[concernedparentreallyneedadvise]

A trivial incident happened yesterday that made me believe ds 13 wasn’t fully telling me the truth, so I asked for his phone.

I’ve been physically sick to see what I’ve found.

He was allowed Instagram and nothing else and I check his phone regularly, however when I was looking a snap chat alert came up… this is when I found a hidden folder on his phone under games…

So far I’ve found.

Snap chat / instagram requests from males asking him to send videos/photos of himself - which he has done.

Hidden private file on his phone full of male sex videos/photos from other men/boys/videos of males urinating - these are not porn videos these are videos that males have sent him.

“Teen” sex chat groups.

Registering with explicit sex groups, looking for men under the age of 30, who are into BDSM.

DS13 asking snap chat /instagram users to send him videos/photos and vice versa.

Ds saying he was in a relationship with another boy however he broke it off after the male asked him to meet up after 2 days of being in a relationship for sex.

A full on conversation/videos/photos of another “boy” sending each other videos of them masturbation and saying they love each other/ sexual of nature / - he hasn’t met this boy, met him online through a game they play online.

Ds saying he is gay / a dom gay

Late night video calls on Snapchat, discord, males asking for videos etc…

We believe he has been groomed however he has also asked males for videos who he has started conversations with, these boys appear the same age as ds and also from adult males.

He has loads of males asking about his sexuality which I’m assuming are from the explicit chat sites.

I haven’t watched the videos, dh has and he’s taken himself for a walk.. he’s been out for 2 hrs just walking as neither of us can sleep.

We’ve had conversations with our son, he says he can’t trust us (is this the grooming talking) ? He can’t tell us why he doesn’t trust us but just knows he can’t.

Wont even discuss his sexuality with us, when we ask about the videos/conversations he just says they are strangers and he’s never met them/or met with anyone. I asked if he knows what they are doing/ what he’s doing is wrong/illegal and he’s aware it’s both wrong and illegal.

He is from a happy healthy home, loved beyond measure, straight A student, we don’t argue as parents, we actively try and keep him safe, we drive him everywhere, he doesn’t witness anything inappropriate in his home life, we are a normal working 8-5 boring family, heavily involved in our children’s lives.

Im taking the next few days off work , he’s going into immediate counselling as he’s literally all over the place mentally.

We had absolutely no idea our son is gay, before yesterday I didn’t realise how unhappy/confused our child is.

Outwardly he appears to be a happy child, at times moody however what 13 year old isn’t.

We have child internet protection on our home system however he’s very intelligent when it comes to computers and has used a proxy to bypass these.

So far we’ve removed him from all social media, reported all inappropriate sites/underage sites to COPPA, NSPCC,report-it.org.uk and CEOP.

Asked for his social media accounts to be removed completely.

We need help! We are absolutely beside ourselves.

I’m hopefully going to try and get an appointment with his school today as I’ve no idea how to navigate this, we need to act sensibly and gently because right now I feel as if he’s on the edge of a complete meltdown.

Why on earth would Dh delete all this important evidence? Once he's finished throwing up, get him to reinstall it all, so you can take copies as evidence, for the Police.

I hope yesterday went okay for you all OP x

For what it’s worth I can sort I see why your DH’s gut reaction would be to delete it all. I imagine he just wanted it all gone.

Just a quick update -

Apologies I should have clarified yesterday however clear communication yesterday was unfortunately beyond my/our capability, we were both in an emotional and mental struggle.

We had already reported to the police and children’s services before I started this post, I was more asking for advise in dealing with ds, in helping him to understand everything that he is going through and to navigate each other through this.

Police visited our home yesterday and have been very frank in that they don’t believe they can gain an arrest (not because of lack of evidence as even tho we deleted most things on DS phone, it was all backed up on his cloud) simply because the perpetuators have very skilled in keeping them themselves anonymous

The officer spoke to his sergeant and it will likely be put down as no further action, he advised as much as we think it’s extreme, it’s quite low in the scale of grooming, however due to the nature of the case, he has made a referral to children’s services.

Yesterday I asked for a meeting with his schools HOY and safeguarding lead… I’m still waiting for the appointment even tho they know the seriousness’s of the situation!! - I’ve chased again with the receptionist this morning.

I personally want to move DS school, I believe his social circle within this school is clouding his mind and he is being peer pressured into having a defined sexuality (he is friends with a group of “boys” who all identify as something other than Gay or Straight - one message we’ve found is a boy telling DS he needs to be something to fit in this group, “so be gay or skoliksexual however they can’t be transsexual as that’s their niche” 🤯

DS doesn’t want to move schools and DH supports DS in this as he’s supported DS reasoning as it’s purely based on his education.

On the social media side - we have deactivated and deleted all accounts and installed Mspy and reinstalled the family cloud to back this up also, he will be getting his phone back however we are in discussions on how to manage this.

We have a meeting on Tuesday with a counsellor who specialises in children who have been sexually abused and in LGBTQ matters, had the initial phone call yesterday, he will have school counselling however I’m going to request this be based on building his confidence/helping him with his shyness etc…

On the plus side DS seems lighter, more relaxed both mentally and emotionally, he’s a good lad, just a very confused teenager trying to navigate and find himself in this horrible world, he is unbelievably mature on one level and yet so immature and vulnerable on another.

Today we have woken up and as the nightmare has started, in a way it’s also ended, in the sense that the past is the past and today we start afresh with a clean slate.

Oh OP I really feel for you all. Your update sounds really positive, especially DS feeling lighter. The friendship group does sound odd, and something to be discussed with school. I can see why you'd want to move schools but I think it could be managed if the school respond helpfully.

Best of luck to you all

I'm pleased to see such an update. You are dealing with it brilliantly.

He is unbelievably mature on one level and yet so immature and vulnerable on another That's the essence of being a teenager.

OP

What a terrible ordeal for all. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of this but it came to mind when I read your post, https://www.breckfoundation.org/
Harrowing and heartbreaking story but the parents now campaign and raise awareness. Thought it may be worth sharing as I’ve seen them share advice etc on TV.

Hi OP,

We went through something similar with our then 12 year old DS. It is utterly traumatising, so I understand how you and your DH feel at the moment.

I just wanted to say 12 months later DS is settled and happy (most of the time). In DS case he was in a v small friendship group in school who all identified as trans, pan etc which massively influenced him. He developed an unhealthy interest in anime which seems to have lead down a horrifying rabbit hole. DS always struggled with friendships and I now believe he was lonely which made him very vulnerable. He has always had lots of activities and family time so I thought we were 'plugging the gap' which sadly wasn't the case.

We supported him to take the lead in making new friends in school and he's been incredibly brave in doing so as there's been a few rejections but he's now in a friendship group of boys and girls who appear to be interested in age appropriate things and just a normal happy sometimes silly group of teens. He's completely moved away from the previous group. The difference in him is stark.

DS told us he thought he must be gay as he was aroused by the male anime pornography and then the subsequent gay porn and chats etc.
However, he's since said he's confused as he's never found boys / men attractive in real life only online but he likes a certain girl in school. We've reassured him that he might be gay, bi sexual or straight and all are perfectly fine and normal but we've been firm that sexual content of any nature is completely wrong, damaging and illegal at his age.

DS finally seems to have accepted that it's OK to not be sure of who you are and just to let himself grow free from worry or pressure and figure it out along the way. It's like a weight has been lifted and he's enjoying being a 13 year old child.

Sending love and strength to your family as you navigate through this period x