Ds 13 being groomed /social media / Gay

[concernedparentreallyneedadvise]

A trivial incident happened yesterday that made me believe ds 13 wasn’t fully telling me the truth, so I asked for his phone.

I’ve been physically sick to see what I’ve found.

He was allowed Instagram and nothing else and I check his phone regularly, however when I was looking a snap chat alert came up… this is when I found a hidden folder on his phone under games…

So far I’ve found.

Snap chat / instagram requests from males asking him to send videos/photos of himself - which he has done.

Hidden private file on his phone full of male sex videos/photos from other men/boys/videos of males urinating - these are not porn videos these are videos that males have sent him.

“Teen” sex chat groups.

Registering with explicit sex groups, looking for men under the age of 30, who are into BDSM.

DS13 asking snap chat /instagram users to send him videos/photos and vice versa.

Ds saying he was in a relationship with another boy however he broke it off after the male asked him to meet up after 2 days of being in a relationship for sex.

A full on conversation/videos/photos of another “boy” sending each other videos of them masturbation and saying they love each other/ sexual of nature / - he hasn’t met this boy, met him online through a game they play online.

Ds saying he is gay / a dom gay

Late night video calls on Snapchat, discord, males asking for videos etc…

We believe he has been groomed however he has also asked males for videos who he has started conversations with, these boys appear the same age as ds and also from adult males.

He has loads of males asking about his sexuality which I’m assuming are from the explicit chat sites.

I haven’t watched the videos, dh has and he’s taken himself for a walk.. he’s been out for 2 hrs just walking as neither of us can sleep.

We’ve had conversations with our son, he says he can’t trust us (is this the grooming talking) ? He can’t tell us why he doesn’t trust us but just knows he can’t.

Wont even discuss his sexuality with us, when we ask about the videos/conversations he just says they are strangers and he’s never met them/or met with anyone. I asked if he knows what they are doing/ what he’s doing is wrong/illegal and he’s aware it’s both wrong and illegal.

He is from a happy healthy home, loved beyond measure, straight A student, we don’t argue as parents, we actively try and keep him safe, we drive him everywhere, he doesn’t witness anything inappropriate in his home life, we are a normal working 8-5 boring family, heavily involved in our children’s lives.

Im taking the next few days off work , he’s going into immediate counselling as he’s literally all over the place mentally.

We had absolutely no idea our son is gay, before yesterday I didn’t realise how unhappy/confused our child is.

Outwardly he appears to be a happy child, at times moody however what 13 year old isn’t.

We have child internet protection on our home system however he’s very intelligent when it comes to computers and has used a proxy to bypass these.

So far we’ve removed him from all social media, reported all inappropriate sites/underage sites to COPPA, NSPCC,report-it.org.uk and CEOP.

Asked for his social media accounts to be removed completely.

We need help! We are absolutely beside ourselves.

I’m hopefully going to try and get an appointment with his school today as I’ve no idea how to navigate this, we need to act sensibly and gently because right now I feel as if he’s on the edge of a complete meltdown.

Oh my god awful.
My ds is 13 too.

I think you need to call the Dsl at his school today as they will have experience and know how to help [ I am in this role in a school]. Does he have friends locally, hobbies, can he spend x couple of days off school with you and dh, doing nice activties ? Hopefully open up about his feelings/ angst.

When he is online, doors in house stay open.
That's our rule. Difficult I know.

You have my highest sympathies.. trust the school
,they will be your greatest ally.

What an absolute shock. It sounds like you are doing your best to keeping communication open and be sensitive and he needs to know things will be OK. I would refer him to social care due to the adults trying to groom him and the possible network with other children. I would think they'll have a strategy meeting with the police and school and health. What ever he has instigated he is not aware of the full implications and adults my have enticed him to instigate with other children.

Take control of his Internet access , fully supervised or no access at this stage.

You need to report this to the police as well as the school. If adult men are pursuing underage boys then the police should absolutely be involved.

Your son’s sexuality is not the issue here, the exposure to paedophiles is.

Support your son and absolutely get him some help. As others have said the school should be made aware too.

Sorry to read this. Agree with reporting it to Police and School. What's scary is with boys this age is their lack of understanding, as if you are completely overreacting.

Does he have friends locally, hobbies, can he spend x couple of days off school with you and dh, doing nice activties ?

Yes to all of the above. he is very active in sports at a high level, trains 6 x a week and also goes to the gym 4 x a week.

He is well liked by his sports peers.

We go out for meals/walks regularly, outdoor activities are few and far between simply because of their sports activities, we play board games, watch movies, he helps his Dad do DIY, we bake/cook together etc…

School friendships is different, he’s being/was bullied to an extreme level by a few kids since he started comprehensive school, police involvement, children expelled and suspended, however nothing of a sexualised nature.

He has 2 close friends that he has advised he has confided in and he says one of these friends is Bi sexual, I have a uneasy feeling regarding these boys, I can’t pin point it, something doesn’t sit right, nothing in their social media accounts say anything untoward.

All social media/ gaming is banned for now until we can approach this level headed.

Sorry to read this. Agree with reporting it to Police and School. What's scary is with boys this age is their lack of understanding, as if you are completely overreacting.

He absolutely believes we are overeating and is desensitised that this is normal behaviour.

*reacting

Make sure he can not delete information, police may well want to seize the tech and look at these.

Agree this is an urgent police matter and don't let him have access to his phone in the mean time. Inform school. I know hindsight is a great thing but the opportunity to have late night video calls should not be there. Any devices that access social media should remain with you at bed time

So many kids are getting groomed it is relentless. Kids being love bombed, tricked, offered the world on a plate by people with ulterior motives.

I don’t want to give specific examples but I know of several kidnap attempts foiled. The problem us that these are popular, good looking older people doing the grooming and it’s really hard to get the kids to see it for what it is.

If your child is gay, no problem. If your child is being groomed and sharing inappropriate videos - problem.

Don’t feel bad about parenting your child and keeping them safe. They do not yet have the maturity to see the bigger picture.

I’ve had to tell my child a firm no to an offer which will wreck his future but looks glamourous. He’s not happy but when he has a good education, a relationship, a home and friends I am sure he will understand why.

I agree with above people. You need to inform school and police. I would remove all phone/internet use for now. Moving forward all devices would only be allowed downstairs.
You are not over reacting, he is 13, in the eyes of the law he is a child, and those that have shared videos with him are acting illegally as is he.
And please don't blame yourself, teenagers are very savvy and are very good at hiding stuff.
I hope some help comes quickly for you all.

Dh has deleted every video/photo however the police could trace these I believe.

Instagram site in which a male ask ds to send a video of himself, Instagram has said it does not violate their guidelines

We couldn’t care less if ds is gay, currently at the moment it’s keeping him safe, helping him emotionally and mentally.

www.ceop.police.uk/Safety-Centre/

Please contact them

I have, along with a few other agencies.

I honestly feel way out of my depth, I don’t know how to navigate this.

I would start gathering g evidence from his phone usernames timeline etc, this could have happened in 24 hours. They tend to hone in quickly

@mauveiscurious if you read the OP that’s already been done.

speak to the the DSL at school
self refer to social services
formal report to police
follow up with what CEOP etc say

My friends DD was targeted in less than 24 hours she was 11, sex act requests m, self harming and suicide.

You realise this is about money as well, these images they sell on

I can't quite work out why your DH would delete evidence of crime being committed against your 13 year old child. You need to contact the police.

Oh I really feel for you. Teens want to grow up too quickly and they don’t realise that is actually a sign of their immaturity. My DD was sexually active at 14 despite us advising and guiding her to wait (we found out afterwards) and she says she regrets it now. It’s a minefield out there, social media is awful and you think you are being so careful to safeguard them, they are hell bent on finding a way online.
I don’t know what your next move is or who to turn to but you are not alone.

I can't quite work out why your DH would delete evidence of crime being committed against your 13 year old child. You need to contact the police.

Shock, he’s currently throwing up in the bathroom, plus the evidence is also of ds.

I agree with everyone else about reporting to police and the school. I’m really sorry this has happened and I can’t imagine how stressful it must be 💐

I wouldn’t watch any of the videos though, if you happen to find any more and I wouldn’t delete them, I would just hand the entire thing to the police for them to investigate. If there are pictures/videos of underage boys on there then the phone contains child pornography and the laws surrounding that are (quite rightly) very strict. If you hand it to the police as it is then they can do the necessary things.

So sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you're both doing exactly the right thing. I also would be throwing up in the bathroom

Reporting on instagram does nothing. I have reported numerous obvious child sexual exploitation accounts and every single time the report is closed without removal.

They’re east to find with hashtags.

Instagram is an open grooming site.

Wishing you well op. Therapy for your son, but don’t forget yourself.

What age did you ds claim to be on social media? This matter because if he's telling the truth and he hadn't met them, it matters if he was pretending to be 18, could he pass for older (some lad can, some can't).

A friend had a brush with a related situation but he was lied to, the young woman claimed to be 18, turned out she was 14 (he was 23) the police didn't pursue because he had no way of knowing she was pretending to be older, she had fake Id.

If your ds was claiming to be 13 then it's a pretty serious offence, though him requesting videos of under 16's puts him in the wrong. School are best placed to deal with this, it won't be the first time alas