i am nonbinary

[enby03030]

i am a nonbinary teen and i want to come out to my parents soon to use they/them pronouns. i have identified as nonbinary for almost two years and i have been struggling with body dysphoria and being referred to as my birth name and pronouns. i have no wish for surgery/ hormones/ puberty blockers etc. as i know that i am still young and i might change my mind later on (iirc the brain doesn’t develop fully until you are 25), but i would like my parents to use my chosen name and pronouns. i have been scrolling through mumsnet to see whether the general parental population of the uk supports trans teens and i’ve been shocked to find the amount of anti-trans rhetoric throughout the platform. i genuinely want to know if a parent would support their child throughout the changes i mentioned above.

I don’t get this

Who are you people

both cisgender and transgender men or women feel the same innate sense of their gender

The only sense of my sex is that I am discriminated against as a woman.

I am neither cisgender nor feel the same innate sense of my gender, because for that i need to accept gender stereotypes.

I have some clothing from men's departments, I rarely wear make up but sometimes enjoy dressing up. I simply have a personality.

By the way: I went to my prom night in a suit. I wasn't trying to be a man, I just didn't like dresses back then. Thing is, I don't need to label anything: not then, not now. Why do you?

I'm agender, I think. I find a lot of discussion about trans and gender excludes agender people completely - e.g. the assumption that everyone has a gender identity, which denies my existence and is erasure of a vulnerable group and things like that.

@AmuseBish

Agender is one of the 72 genders which makes you part of the queer community.

Or, If you mean you just don't have a gender identity, then you are just you. No need for a label.

These stereotypical labels are so divisive and harmful to women in particular. So backwards looking to think pink and dresses = female/blue and football = male.

It's like something out of the 1950s

Honestly, the use of the word "cis" is practically a fucking hate crime. What a disgusting way to "sub categorise" males and females based solely on the fact they acknowledge they are male or female.

Hi @enby03030 So look I don't know anything about you or what you're feeling specifically. I don't know anything about you're parents or their position on things. But I can tell you this much which might be applicable to your situation

1. I would want to know how you were feeling
2. I would want to listen to you tell me how you were feeling because as your parent your feelings would be important to me.
3. I would be happy and reassured if you felt happy and comfortable enough with your body that you didn't want to do anything as drastic as surgery or drugs.
4. I would want to support you and I would tell you that I wanted to support you but I would also reserve the right to not reach the same conclusions as to what your feelings meant or what the best way of supporting you might be
5. Not complying with Sexist bullshit, I'm 100% there - now clearly what sexist bullshit specifically you might be suffering from / objecting to is impossible to know but there's plenty to go around.

4a)make up - notwithstanding requirements to follow school rules do as you will shall be the whole of the law

4b) clothes - let's make sure the naughty bits are covered up but again notwithstanding if you have to wear a uniform for school do what you like - your clothes are to make you feel as happy comfortable and confident as possible. Mess about have fun try different styles find out what works best for you. I will still tell you to pick 'em up off your bedroom floor and wash them though.

4c)haircut - sure whatever, school rules here say no shaved, semi shaved or wild colours you'll have to save that for uni

5. gender identity - whatever don't care, If I thought it was useful or meaningful I'd be enby too as would your dad and of course we'd both be pansexuals because we're sleeping with someone who's enby. This might make us sound way cooler than we are but the truth is there remains some impact of what sex you are in what things happen to you, how other people treat / react to you and in how you experience certain things including but not limited to conception pregnancy childbirth and parenthood. And sexual relationships but we'll come back to those.

6. sex - sex is real, it matters sometimes in certain situations. As your mum its important we're able to talk honestly and openly and you can ask questions and trust that I'll give you honest answers to the best of my ability. So yes on occasion I might tell you you need a shower or that your room smells and you should clean before your girlfriend comes over, or yes that outfit does make your bum look big. I don't say those things to hurt your feelings but sometimes the truth is important enough to say even if it isn't exactly what you want to hear. Sex is like that, we'll talk in private I don't want to embarrass you but it is important you can ask things and I can tell you things you need to know.

7. sexual relationships - just be upfront about who you are, how you feel, what you want from the relationship. Don't put up with shit you shouldn't but also don't give people shit. Your feelings are important but other people's feelings are too.

As for online, I can see a lot of reasons someone might not want to emphasise their sex online, they pronouns, gender neutral handle, cartoon avatar all make total sense to me. I guess it's a similar thing for why you'd carry it into real life. I'd still consider your name your name and treat the other like a nickname, at least for now you might want to mess about with several different ones and see what sticks and feels right. I know a middle aged bloke called funsize. It fits him, all his mates use it, it isn't the name on his passport or driving licence though. Keep your 'proper' name for exam certificates because speaking from experience its a pita mean your exam certificates and paperwork aren't in the same name.

👏👏👏👏. Couldn't agree more.

So you’re gender non conforming - which is a good thing. Pronouns are sex based, not gender based. But by falling into the trap of telling people to use ‘they/them’ when talking about you, you are actually furthering the harmful gender stereotypes. Instead, you could accept that your sex is whatever it is as determined at conception, but that you dont subscribe to any regressive gender stereotypes.

@howdoesatoastermaketoast that is perfect.

thanks that means a lot

I just fail to see the problem with a parent trying the new name and pronouns.