My son thinks he's trans but I really don't - does that make me a bad parent?

[CassyJ]

Just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with this? Last year, aged 17, my son declared he was trans straight out of the blue. I certainly wouldn't have an issue with this but up until then, he had never shown any signs of being trans. He has always been a 'typical lad', into boys games, very masculine based hobbies such as wrestling and football, and has had quite a few girlfriends, but even now, he is still into the same kind of hobbies and has no female traits at all. The only thing he has tried has been to wear a little make-up and grow his hair.

I can see a point at which this all began, and it was when we went into lockdown due to covd that the schools were doing online lessons for about a year. He didn't have any outside contact with his friends, and spent his life on his computer playing games etc. I then became aware that some people he was talking to, including school friends, had 'come out' as non-binary, gender fluid and trans, and that's when he decided he was too. He has always been a follower and my gut reaction as a mum is that he has been influenced to believe that this is the way he should be living his life. He is now very defensive over the LGBT community which I this is a good thing, but excessively so. He has now given up on college because he said it's affecting his mental health, and has made two attempts at suicide which has really knocked us for six as a family. He has a meeting with the mental health team in two weeks, but I can't help but think that his problems are due to his belief of his sexuality. So sorry to drone on, but does anybody have any suggestions or thoughts on this? Thank you so much in advance.

It’s a really tough topic and I sympathise with you. I would say though that being male to female trans doesn’t always mean you want to be typically feminine, so don’t let that blur your opinion because he still plays football etc. My best friend is male-female trans and identifies as a lesbian, she isn’t in any way ‘feminine’ which initially confused people too. Identity is a tough thing and they’re still figuring themselves out so I’d just ride the wave at this point. It might be that he’s being influenced but eventually he’ll realise who he really is.

It’s great that they’ve got a meeting with a mental health advisor, they’re best placed to help and hopefully he’ll feel comfortable enough to open up, it can be hard to suffer with mental health and explain it to those you love because you feel like you’re letting them down or hurting them.

My advice would be to just let him be for now, support him when you can but don’t indulge it. Plan activities together and get him out the house and away from his phone as much as possible. Let the mental health team asses him and see where that leads. I hope it all works out for the best for you and your family ❤️

My best friend is male-female trans and identifies as a lesbian

Surely this is completely impossible.

OP, I’m so sorry about your son. Hope getting some therapy will help - lockdown was tough and the internet is unforgiving in all it’s grooming ways.

Thank you, I am trying to get him out and about doing things that don't involve sitting in his bedroom, and we have a few things planned. He's never been one for going out and about with mates although he does have friends who he would either talk to in college before he left, and he chats online to them too. I'm just going along with it and support him but not trying to encourage too much and I agree (and hope) that he does manage to work out who he really is.

It’s not impossible but I can see how it would be confusing. Gender and sexuality are two separate things. She was depressed and miserable in the wrong body, now she identifies as her true self (a women) but is attracted to women. I don’t understand properly myself, I’m a straight woman, but to each their own

Yes it is impossible. S(he) cannot be a lesbian because he is biologically male.

Op watchful support. Helping him to express himself without the need for a trans label.

I agree with you, there really was no hint at all up to the age of 17, and then it just came out of the blue, so yes, the internet does have an effect of them I think.

This is last I’ll reply on this, it’s a shame you’re being narrow minded. She is not a male, she is fully transitioned with female anatomy. I suggest educating yourself, Google is a wonderful thing. But then again, ignorance is bliss.

That's exactly what I think he needs to do and I would wholeheartedly support that. Labels do seem to be a major thing for people lately and I do say to him just be yourself. It's getting him to ditch the label that I think might be the challenging part. Good advice though, thank you.

Pp above has it perfectly.

Support him to express himself and live the life he wants without reinforcing the belief that he needs to be a different gender to do this.

@ALS94 they cannot have female anatomy, that is physically and biologically impossible. They may have had surgery to alter the look of their male genitals to resemble female genitals but they categorically do not have female anatomy.

Im pointing this out because people can be really critical of people not using the correct labels, saying the wrong things, not misgendering people etc. If we're all working towards being respectful and using preferred labels and inclusive language then really it needs to work both ways?

i can’t get past the fact you’ve written several paragraphs over your concern that they are not really trans, and then at the bottom of your post, thrown in a couple of sentences to say they’ve tried to kill themselves twice, almost as an afterthought.
surely the post should be “how do I help my suicidal child” not questioning whether you are a bad parent?

She is not a male, she is fully transitioned with female anatomy.

No, he isn’t. Because this is impossible. You can pretend to go along with it if you like because it makes you feel like a good person but don’t try and shame others into doing so.

OP, your son is caught up in a social contagion, the gaming influence is common. As he’s older it’s harder to manage. My younger dd started making small whispers about thinking she might be a boy and was gently but firmly steered through and out of that nonsense with clear explanations of what the end goal of saying this might mean - surgery, infertility, shortened life expectancy. Many of them don’t realise. At his age I probably wouldn’t even try to talk him round but I wouldn’t get into confrontations either. I would just say “whatever makes you happy” but always leaving a big opening for him to back out. Best outcome is he’s just exploring gender roles. But eyeliner and long hair doesn’t a woman make and I would make that quite clear without being overtly argumentative.

I can assure you it definitely wasn't an afterthought and I'm sorry you read into it in that manner. That is the main reason he is seeing the mental health team. Was looking for some advice not criticism but thank you anyway.

Are you using female pronouns for him at home?

I just wanted to offer some solidarity as I'm in a similar situation with my son. Regardless of what others may suggest, you know your own child best and if this doesn't make sense then you should trust your gut. There is, without doubt a social contagion issue around this and lockdown was a massive catalyst when our vulnerable children spent more time than usual online.
I have found incredible support and advice from genspect.org and bayswatersupport.org.uk .
Hang in there, all you can do is watch and wait right now. Don't affirm, don't give in to demands and do all you can to maintain and strengthen your relationship. This really is a frightening, bewildering and confusing time but if you reach out you will find help.

In addition, there is a common thread amongst boys with gaming, amine and online communities. Often they are very intelligent lads, on the ASD spectrum and possibly gay themselves. Abuse, both physical and emotional cam also be prevalent (we discovered that our son was r*ped by another boy a few years ago). These elements can contribute to the suicidal ideation. Be wary of some MH teams as they are trained to encourage transgender ideologies above all other issues.

We obviously don’t agree and I don’t care to argue, but out of curiosity how would you suggest she refers to herself then? Should she call herself a straight male with breasts and a vagina?

OP your child sounds distressed & conflicted and I'm glad that they're seeing the mental health team going forward.

ALS94 i'm with you.

I have 3 colleagues who have transitioned male to female surgically.
To me & everyone who meets them, they are (actually quite beautiful) unmistakably women.
To treat them like a bio male, as a TERF would wish to do, would be criminal.

By the way, I've cared for a sadly dying surgically transitioned trans woman and you could not tell she had ever been a man. But her family had disowned her long before.

@ALS94 As pp said, he can say what he want but woman he is not. Nor actually does he have breasts or a vagina - only biological females have these- what he has is imitated construction of these body parts and it is offensive to many women that men play dress up and body modification games to attempt being women - which they never will be.

Op - this may be a question you have of course considered but could he be gay and distressed by this?

@ALS94 of course they can call themselves a woman, identify as a woman, introduce themselves as a woman. They can do what they want. I'm respectful of peoples choices and support people living the way they want to live. But you cannot fundamentally change your anatomy, despite what outward surgical or hormonal treatments you have.

If we all agree moving forwards that gender and sexuality are two different things, they why can we not all agree that gender, sexuality and biology are three different things? And agree that your friend is a trans woman, is a lesbian, and has biologically male anatomy? Why does gender and sexuality override biology?

I'm sorry OP I don't mean to derail, I've gone off on a tangent. I wish you and your family well and hope you can work through it in a way where everyone is happy.

How highly offensive to lesbians that a man says he is one.
Isn't that also homophobic?

They’re not women. They have had surgeries and taken medication to look like women. But they’re not. This is a belief system you choose to engage it but others do not and you’ve no right guilt or shame people into going along with your chosen belief system.

Oh of course they're beautiful, of course you can't tell.
This is rubbish and not helping anyone.

As an old-fashioned lesbian, one who is and always will be female, yes. It is incredibly, deeply, horrifically homophobic.

I've no sexual interest in any male who calls himself female, inverted penis or not. Men can't become women. Lesbians don't do dick. Etc.