I need some urgent advice. DD18 has been dressing as a male for over a year now. Wears either too small sports bras or a binder. Hasn’t come out to us (I suspect her friends all know) and still uses her female name and pronouns.
She had her yearly physical today and when I checked my email tonight there was and email from a hospital doctor saying how nice it was to talk to her and the steps she needs to do in order to be considered for top surgery.
Our first names start with the same letter so I think her doctor gave the hospital my email address accidentally.
I’m devastated. I know she’s gay - I don’t care who she loves as long as she’s happy. I don’t even care now that she dresses so masculine- she seems happy and that’s okay.
The idea of her considering doing something so drastic and permanent is filling me with horror- she’s only just turned 18!
What do I do??!!
Long story but in the past my husband has looked at her phone and invaded her privacy so she doesn’t trust him at all. But if I tell her I got the email it means having a discussion she isn’t ready to have.
I should also add that we live in the US so although she is an adult, she is on family insurance so wouldn’t be able to just go get it done without us knowing, because even if insurance covered it there would be huge out of pocket expenses that she can’t pay.
I haven’t told my husband yet- I don’t know whether to tell him but this will make him fall apart I think:(
My instinct with her all along has been one of watchful waiting, as long as nothing permanent was being done. But now it seems she’s gearing up to force the issue- there’s no way she can go ahead without our support. I support her any which way but I can’t support permanent changes at such a young age.
My feeling is that I need to discuss with her Dad and we need to agree that we will support/ pay for extensive therapy but not any kind of surgery. But I’m terrified that she will see this as not supporting/loving her and she’ll become estranged.
This also could potentially affect if and where she goes to college which is going to cost us a fortune but we’re happy to do so she can pursue her dream.
Any advice? Ignore the email (but at some point she may find out it was sent mistakenly to me)? Talk to DH and risk him not being able to stay calm and the shit hitting the fan?
Talk to her about the mistaken email and risk forcing a conversation she isn’t ready to have yet?
Any advice welcome. Thanks.