Accidentally sent an email from a doctor talking about top surgery (was meant for my daughter)

[RIPDotCotton]

I need some urgent advice. DD18 has been dressing as a male for over a year now. Wears either too small sports bras or a binder. Hasn’t come out to us (I suspect her friends all know) and still uses her female name and pronouns.
She had her yearly physical today and when I checked my email tonight there was and email from a hospital doctor saying how nice it was to talk to her and the steps she needs to do in order to be considered for top surgery.
Our first names start with the same letter so I think her doctor gave the hospital my email address accidentally.
I’m devastated. I know she’s gay - I don’t care who she loves as long as she’s happy. I don’t even care now that she dresses so masculine- she seems happy and that’s okay.
The idea of her considering doing something so drastic and permanent is filling me with horror- she’s only just turned 18!
What do I do??!!
Long story but in the past my husband has looked at her phone and invaded her privacy so she doesn’t trust him at all. But if I tell her I got the email it means having a discussion she isn’t ready to have.
I should also add that we live in the US so although she is an adult, she is on family insurance so wouldn’t be able to just go get it done without us knowing, because even if insurance covered it there would be huge out of pocket expenses that she can’t pay.
I haven’t told my husband yet- I don’t know whether to tell him but this will make him fall apart I think:(
My instinct with her all along has been one of watchful waiting, as long as nothing permanent was being done. But now it seems she’s gearing up to force the issue- there’s no way she can go ahead without our support. I support her any which way but I can’t support permanent changes at such a young age.
My feeling is that I need to discuss with her Dad and we need to agree that we will support/ pay for extensive therapy but not any kind of surgery. But I’m terrified that she will see this as not supporting/loving her and she’ll become estranged.
This also could potentially affect if and where she goes to college which is going to cost us a fortune but we’re happy to do so she can pursue her dream.
Any advice? Ignore the email (but at some point she may find out it was sent mistakenly to me)? Talk to DH and risk him not being able to stay calm and the shit hitting the fan?
Talk to her about the mistaken email and risk forcing a conversation she isn’t ready to have yet?
Any advice welcome. Thanks.

What an incredibly difficult situation for all of you.

I think the only thing to do is to be honest.
Sit her down and say something has happened which affects her and may upset her. The doctor sent you an email that was intended for her. Not realising this, you read it and it is about top surgery.

Just say that. See what she says. As far as is possible, just listen. Ask questions rather than making statements.

Long term, it's better that the air is cleared and you know what stage her thinking is at. She clearly hid it for a reason.

This sounds like an extraordinarily challenging situation. I think I'd forward her the email and say "Hi dd, I think this was meant for you, not me! I'm here any time you want to chat. Love you, mum"

And then see what she does. You've said she can't do the surgery without your support, will she be aware of the cost and know she can't afford it? You have a hard conversation ahead of you and you're lucky you've been forwarned, gives you a chance to think about what you want to do.

I wouldn't completely rule out paying for the surgery if you can afford it at some ppint in the future, but I'd talk to her about steps to do first, like therapy and the impact to her college choices. It might be that you agree she needs to save up for it but you'll support her in the meantime.

I think you need to talk to her but I'd be inclined to let her come to you.

She needs to know the email went to you. That's a gdpr fuck up too.

She's an adult and has every right to bodily autonomy here.

It's a shame she's not been able to approach you to talk about it - I would assume this is because you have strong views on it and therefore she probably seeks support elsewhere.

You say you'll support her no matter what, but while this doesn't mean you should have to pretend your views are something else, it's equally not supportive to bring your views to the table when giving support.

It does sound like you need a proper conversation because of the insurance side of things, but as well, it sounds like she's just at the investigating stage and at least with her making enquiries, you've all got an idea of what you're looking at, both cost wise and procedurally.

I hope she doesn't end up going with someone with a lesser reputation due to not being able to access someone better with your support.

@RNBrie got it just right.

You also need to report the doctors for a data breech

They are in the US, GDPR doesn't apply. Depends which state they are in as to what applies, california for instance has good privacy laws.

I hope she doesn't use gross emotional manipulation techniques like the ones @TheArtfulStodger implies. She is an adult and therefore capable of earning her own money, getting her own medical insurance and saving towards and paying for a recommended medic to undertake her procedures, should she choose to go ahead. She doesn't need to threaten her parents with dangerous back street surgery if they don't immediately cough up for elective surgery with the surgeon of her choice.

I would tell my daughter there’s been a mix up, forward her e-mail and offer to support her in any way she needed me to.

Thank you for the speedy replies. I just feel sick right now.
I have no idea whether to tell my husband right now - he often makes it worse when dealing with normal parenting things (even if he means well)
I’m hoping that she’s just exploring it - she’s well aware that with family insurance privacy isn’t guaranteed (because bills come through to the person carrying the insurance- in this case DH) and the out of pockets expenses can run to the thousands. She’s such a great kid- doing well at school and set to go to a good college. I at least want her to get through college and be into her 20s before these irreversible changes happen. Unfortunately she’s hit 18 and thinks she’s a fully fledged adult:(

Is it technically possible for her to have the surgery and you just be billed for it? I only ask because if this is at all possible I’d be worried that in the teen dream land she thinks she can have the surgery then run away or something. If so Id ring my insurance to ask how to protect her from this.

If not, I’d be tempted to not let on and try to draw closer to her and share positive lesbian role models.

This!

she had a (should have been confidential) discussion with her doctor about options. Sounds like she is in the process of figuring out what she wants for herself. Being too quick to react / share your opinion is likely to result in a shut down.

she is an adult capable of making her own decisions. Insurance coverage would be a temporary speed bump, so don’t count on having leverage. The top priority should be maintaining a relationship of trust and open communication. Be aware that a hard no might feel like you are rejecting her as much as the decision.

not a perfect analogy, but treat it like any other type of body modification or tattoo? I personally would not want my children to get any sort of body modification regardless of rationale. But I would try to understand their perspective and why they felt this was necessary. I would reiterate full endorsement of them embracing their own sexuality and gender identity however that manifests. I would simply communicate health concerns associated with surgery, as well as concerns about non reversibility. On that basis I would not finance surgery, but would support her through it if ultimately she decides to pursue it

“email from a hospital doctor saying how nice it was to talk to her and the steps she needs to do in order to be considered for top surgery.”

Don’t panic, they are only making the first preliminary enquiries and could well decide against.

I’d first tell the doctor they effed up, so they can send the email to the intended recipient, without you having to let on that you know. Then let your daughter come to you when they’re ready to talk about it.

As previous posters have said, it seems your daughter knows your viewpoint on this and therefore feels unable to share the info with you. I say this with kindness and respect - prepare yourself to be open, loving and accepting, whatever the outcome. Your relationship with your child is more important.

I suppose it could have been the doctor, seeing a gay tomboy, is fishing for a "gender affirming care" referral and the associated community kudos and $$?

Also the other posters saying "she's 18 she can have her breasts cut off if she wants" I would ignore.

Good luck with your lovely daughter

Honestly- I have no idea. She’s still in school and living at home, with grand plans for college, so having surgery and running away would essentially screw up her plans for the next few years.
I guess I could investigate a little (insurance out here still baffles me)
I’m so confused that she’s considering this when she hasn’t even come out as gay (at least not in conversation- it’s so obvious from everything else) so the leap to a double mastectomy is huge?
I think I will sleep on it (or not sleep) and consider maybe forwarding it to her with a note saying I’m here to talk anytime. DH is going away for work on Wednesday for a few days so maybe she’ll talk to me when he’s away. Although then I feel I’m going behind his back. Plus, I want to support in every way, except the irreversible, so I need him and I to be on the same page.
Thank you to everyone who has replied so far- it means a lot to not feel completely alone.

So I hardly slept and had anxiety/heart palpitations all night.
I’ve still no idea what to do.
Letting her know I’ve seen the email is honest but is initiating a conversation she clearly isn’t ready to have- I’m not sure I am either.
Telling her Dad would cause chaos because he wouldn’t be able to hide how he feels or think clearly (I don’t think)
I haven’t got a friend I feel I can talk to this about and my head feels like it’s going to explode. And now I have to go to a stressful job all day:(
I’m still in shock that a doctor can matter of factly talk about a double mastectomy with a barely 18 year old when they haven’t even been fully living as the opposite gender (name, pronouns etc)
Thanks for listening.

Oh what a horrible situation to have been put in for both of you. I think husband has to come last here tbh, what's important is you getting this right for her. And as hard as it is I think honesty with her about the error is the only way to progress this. Maybe forward it to her with a covering note saying about the error and that the error side of things can be dealt with however she feels is the best way, and the actual content of the letter does not need to be discussed until she is ready to, and that you love her and are there for her.

18 is too young for a permanent life changing self-inflicted operation. Medical professionals will treat her like an adult so will affirm her decision. Try and talk to her about it, she may not actually want the surgery but wants to feel good within her own body. Lots of 18 year olds have body-image issues.

email back to the doctor / hospital telling them they messaged the wrong person. just like you would if you got confidential medical info for a stranger.

they should then email her & admit their mistake.

keep lines of communication open as much as possible.

I'm so so sorry. I have friends in similar situations in the US - all terrified. The gofundmes often provide money for the surgeries so please check to see if your child has one set up.

My first instinct was to tell you to drive to Wyoming and live off grid with your child until their mind is healed.

I don't have other ideas. Breast removal is permanent.

I would do the "we're not paying for college if you do this" which is what we've done for our children if they get a tattoo.
My children have been primed for several years with biological explanation on how gender reassignment surgery works and the low happiness rate afterwards (which you can google).
Your daughter can have an amazing life as a lesbian woman. If that's what she decides to do.
I was about to say that it's very sad that society has allowed your daughter to feel this way, is that helpful. It's starting to feel like something else.

OP I don't have insight not already mentioned - I'd go with alerting the doctor first, but judging by the stress this causes you, you may have to raise it with her before long if she doesn't first.

As for her dad, can you make him promise first that he won't butt in without your consent, then tell him? You can't hide it from him but he could make things way worse.

Mostly I want to say that I feel for you. My daughter is 13 and has profound gender dysphoria. She dreams of mastectomy and I worry that she may fixate on that future possibility instead of learning to inhabit her body.

It's a terrifying prospect, ill-considered body modification. Amputation, ffs. I'll just hope that it doesn't come to that for you.

They call it top surgery but it is a double mastectomy. I had this for cancer, i revovered well at the time but after about five years i started to experience dreadful nerve pain, no pain killers can help. This has been every single day for nealy fifteen years. This is something they never tell you can happen to around half of all women who have mastectomy.

Are you even sure the insurance will cover it. Our US medical insurance didn't cover cosmetic surgery of any kind. I'd call the insurance and ask. The surgeon may be putting it under mastectomy for cancerous reasons or something to get it covered.
Not only that but the co-pay would need paying too, does she work or have savings for this?
I'd be very disappointed if my Dd did this behind my back. We have talked about people having this done and how removing healthy body parts shouldn't happen in my opinion. But once she is older she will have to decide what she wants to do to herself.

You say “they haven’t even been fully living as the opposite gender (name, pronouns etc)” but in the same post have said this “Telling her Dad would cause chaos because he wouldn’t be able to hide how he feels or think clearly”. There’s probably a connection between the two, and just because she doesn’t want to cause huge upset and stress to her home life as child, doesn’t mean she isn’t serious about it.

I'd be tempted to just not pass the e-mail on. If it ever came out blame spam filters.