Secretly trans DS?

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

have name changed for this

Confession time first, I massively messed up. We have an agreement with 13yo DS that we only check his phone messages in front of him. Do it randomly and honestly not very often because though quiet he’s always been trustworthy. Except apparently because I broke his trust and now I know something I wish I didn’t.

I asked to check his messages a few days ago and he handed it over straight away and as I was looking he asked me not to look at the messages between him and GirlA and him and GirlB (who I know and know their parents well too) because someone had come out who wasn’t ready to share it further yet so out of respect could I not look. I agreed.

then yesterday I decided to look at the messages. He never hides his phone, charges it in the kitchen with the others, I know his password etc so he does trust me. I only read the thread between him and GirlA in which she asks him if he wants her to call him X (insert really frou frou old lady name) in front of GirlB and he says he hasn’t told her he is trans - then a few messages later says he has told GirlB he is trans and is sad to have done it over text.

I am beside myself with guilt for betraying his trust but also wracked with fear due to finding this out. I’m swinging between utter denial and making up stories in my head he’s only saying it for attention from these two girls, and being devastated because it has changed everything about him and us and our relationship.

I noticed a few extra things the last few days - he has as his WhatsApp photo the trans logo and I did ask him (before I found out about the messages) why he had that, I stupidly answered the question for him and asked was it as an ally and he shrugged yes. He has as his avatar on something else (can’t remember what) a female animated face with a Scorpio hairstyle.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told anyone else, least of all DH because there is no way we would have guessed this and as I said it has changed everything for me. A huge part of me is hoping it’s a phase he’s exploring with friends and he’ll get over it and never feel the need to tell us.

I don’t know what to do. A lot of my very close friends are gay, I have a few peripheral trans friends and I see how hard the world is for those who identify that way. I am terrified for him and for us - he is 6’2” and still growing, he hit puberty early AND we’ve just done a major move literally thousands of miles away from where he has spent the last 10years. Could this be a way of his anxieties about the move coming out?

Seriously though what do I do? I can’t tell him I broke his trust, he will never tell me anything ever again but then he isn’t telling me this huge thing anyway so is our whole relationship not at all the close one I thought it was?!

He is an introvert who struggles to show his feelings at the best of times, we’ve been looking into a therapist anyway to help navigate this as well as have support during the move.

My 10yo DD told us a few months ago she was bi and then she was gay and honestly my reaction was ok cool, I mean she’s 10 but I honestly couldn’t care less and wouldn’t be worried in the same way if she did turn out to be gay. But trans?! Especially as a very tall MtF? She is all over Pride and rainbows and reading experiences and heavily identifying, maybe she’s gay maybe she isn’t but maybe this is impacting my DS who if this is a true identification probabLy feels she’s taking over and therefore will bury his feelings even more.

sorry for the incredibly long post, I just really don’t know where to turn

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

I should add that while he’s never been a super testosterone filled boy (always very sweet and non aggressive even as a toddler) he also has never done any of the cliched activities like wanted to dress as a girl or showed any interest in girls or women in any way except for having a couple of friends. He did tell DH a month or so ago he identifies as straight.

he does have long hair now but so does every teen boy we know post covid, and he was actually quite proud of going through puberty, liked his moustache he was growing and likes being super tall and being compared to his dad. He asked to learn to shave about a month ago but then I think that’s probably just natural and it was such a lovely rite of passage between him and DH….

[inmyslippers]

I'd keep Schtum until he approaches you then let him know you'll support him whatever rather then give him something to rebel against

[quietnightmare]

All you can do is let him come to you. Now you know how your child os feeling if your child does sort of mention anything along the lines of trans you know testing the Ayer sort of thing you won't be caught off guard and can respond with support

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

I suppose it does give me an opportunity to figure out what my response will be, in the meantime this hurts and is so scary but I only have myself to blame for that. I probably just need to compartmentalise and pretend I never saw the texts

[Cratos]

I am sorry you are going through this worrying and uncertain time. A friend's daughter went through a phase that lasted several years and now she decided she is back to being a girl. It is hard to know for sure and it needs a little time and understanding. I probably wouldn't be able to wait and I would ask but this is not necessarily the right thing to do. Perhaps you should speak to an expert to make sure you provide the right kind of support.

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

Thankyou @Cratos any idea what kind of expert or where to find them? I err on GD side of things so would likely steer clear of Mermaids but at the same time just want to support my son

[Cratos]

@AreTheyOrArentThey I was thinking of a GP, school nurse or a psychologist. They can direct you to more specialist help. There are also some online private GPs if you rather discuss it without putting anything in his records first. Not sure how much they can help though. Just a thought. You said you were looking for a therapist. That sounds like a good idea, perhaps he needs help with some mental health issues. We all do actually and puberty is a challenging period in our kids' lives. Our children need to deal with the negative impact of social media as well these days. (plus Covid) Perhaps the right therapist might provide some support. Maybe he is a little bit confused at the moment. There is a possibility he is doing it for some attention from his friends. Pride month just finished too. It creates some curiosity amongst children.

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

@Cratos i really appreciate your responses, they’ve calmed me down a lot. We’ve been discussing getting him a therapist anyway as his sister had one in the lead up to the move to manage the exact opposite (explosive feelings all the time) and I generally feel it’s healthy to show them it’s healthy to take care of your mental health.

we don’t have a GP yet, I guess I just need to work out where to find a therapist

[Cratos]

Is he interested in sports or outdoor activities ? Physical activity and team sports can give him more confidence and improve his mood and also they are good for his physical health. Perhaps joining a club or doing some holiday activity might give him a sense of belonging in his new environment. He can make new friends etc.

[WinterDeWinter]

I would be very careful about the help that you get him. There are so many different reasons that children become gripped by this idea, but it is so, so often a phase. Lots of organisations / individuals who should be helping children explore their feelings have instead entirely bought into the idea of gender as innate, which you probably already know is very much disputed by many feminists and gay/lesbian people as being a deeply regressive idea based entirely on sexist stereotypes. Your DS could find himself pushed in one direction and under pressure to conform to the idea that if you're not a manly man you must be a woman.

[MajesticWhine]

I think you're right, there's a chance he won't need to tell you about this - he might be experimenting with this idea at the moment. It's all the rage amongst young people unfortunately. You can give a few signals that you are open and accepting of anything he might want to say to you. And support his emotional health as much as you can by encouraging him to talk about his feelings and allowing him to express anger or sadness or whatever he feels about the move. i.e. focus on underlying issues not the trans thing. That's all you can do right now.

[Cratos]

@WinterDeWinter I completely agree. Very important point.

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

Totally agree as well @WinterDeWinter

have done some reading from other posts and links and especially in the case of teens who seem to explore this idea with no prior sign at all of it before hand it seems that it is a symptom a lot of the time not the actual problem. I think he’s only told these two girls by text not face to face, which means he’s done it since we moved - which is likely much less scary and (hopefully) more indicative of experimenting?

He’s doing a taster week at his new school tomorrow and is very nervous, so I had a chat with him today about how I’m nervous too but it will be a great opportunity to get the lay of the land. I also spoke to him a bit about my own troubled teen hood that began when I was moved at a similar age, in the hope he knows that while our issues and experiences will never be the same, I went through a tumultuous time too so have the capacity to be both empathetic and sympathetic.

I know I can’t bring it up without proving I broke his trust. And while I hope this is some experimenting he’s doing and maybe it never comes to telling me, I worry he’ll go down this path in secret then come out when it’s fait de complis

getting him involved in something over the summer is a great idea. I’ll look online for some ideas and ask his teacher at his new school if he has any thoughts

[LittlestBaoBun]

To be honest, if you can, I'd put it to the back of your mind. He may just be experimenting with who he is at the moment and is obviously not ready to have that chat with you yet.

There's time. He either will or won't say anything, just make sure he doesn't feel he'll be under fire for ever saying something about it. You can reassure him with 'well always love you, whoever you grow up to be', in other conversations - without having to bring it up explicitly.

[SavBbunny]

Be careful who you choose to offer that therapy. Some clinicians have a huge pro hormones/ surgery agenda. I have a ftm 18 year old. The influence of the Internet was all consuming. My dc was self harming and at risk of suicide. They belonged to a Glitter Group. Be supportive and open. The position now is much quieter.
I like you had no warning or history of different gender behaviours.
Only around 2000 people transition each year.

[IdisagreeMrHochhauser]

Check out Genspect. They have links to parent support groups on their website

genspect.org/groups/#support

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

@LittlestBaoBun we have those kinds of conversations all the time with both kids but he has never been one to share his thoughts or feelings - even as a little boy he would bottle up his emotions. His dad is very open emotionally, takes opportunities to show vulnerability in his emotions and we have many friends from all sorts of walks of life so he has seen that being male doesn’t mean one clear cut thing like it used to.

My big worry now is him not saying anything to us but introducing himself as trans at his new school and while I applaud kids of this generation for being so open and accepting it’s also the worry that this could be a phase that escalates that scares me. Honestly if he does genuinely turn out to be trans I love the bones of him and that won’t change that, but I worry about peer pressure and as @WinterDeWinter pointed out it being a symptom of something else but being treated as though it’s the issue - if that makes sense.

He has one friend his age who is non binary which feels like a much “safer” identity to be experimenting with (and honestly I’d love it if we could all just be non binary and dispense with the labels) and has another who is ftm trans but they’re not very close at all. The people I know who are trans transitioned much much later in life and they have found the journey hard enough.

I can just feel him and our relationship slipping away. I know I sound hysterical, I feel pretty hysterical if I’m honest.

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

Thanks for the link @IdisagreeMrHochhauser I‘ll check them out

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

Just dropped him off at his new school.

last night he said he had been looking over the LGBTQ section of the bullying policy. I then talked to his dad once he was in bed - I didn’t tell him I had seen the messages but brought up the little other clues and my fears and said my spider senses were going. We’re very much on the same page and are trying to now find ways of just generally getting our son to open up more. We’re also overhauling internet access as my DH saw our DS has been on quora and also had a search for “how do you know if a lesbian likes you” so we’re worried about internet wormholes.

I do think he’s been heavily influenced by his non-binary friend - who by the way is a great kid and I’ve always liked them and their parents and I don’t see anything malicious in their influence - because the name DS told his friends to use is a flower just like his NB friend’s new name. DH pointed out our DS is probably feeling all sorts of awkward and has this friend who may well be saying oh yeah I feel super awkward in my body too - maybe you’re like me.

I talked to DS this morning about not putting pressure on himself about creating a new identity with this new school (we have literally moved countries so I’m able to couch it in those terms) but to be who he has always been and he will find his people and settle in.

I did notice he’s the only boy I saw with long hair and he insisted on getting up really early to shave but neither of those things would have been red flags before. He seemed quite pleased about his new uniform - he looked quite the grown up man in it too.

any more advice is really welcomed, I need to work out my exact response if he does come out to us. It’s so hard because I know anything that’s not 100% “accepting” (even saying things like nobody needs to label themselves at 13 while they’re still figuring out who they are) can be accused of being transphobic and the conversation shutting down completely

[onelittlefrog]

Wow. I can't believe you went back and read those messages.

How can you expect your child to ever trust and be honest with you if you betray their trust on such a basic level?

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

I know @onelittlefrog I have failed him

[Clymene]

@onelittlefrog

Wow. I can't believe you went back and read those messages.

How can you expect your child to ever trust and be honest with you if you betray their trust on such a basic level?

That's your takeaway?

I absolutely do not promise my kids any privacy on their devices. They're children.

[Clymene]

I don't think you have failed him by wanting to protect him at all. As you said, this is a boy who has moved away from his friends and school, who is feeling unsettled and who has never shown any inclination towards discomfort in his body until he met a non binary friend. Rapid onset gender dysphoria usually affects girls but I can't see why boys can't also suffer.

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ might be a helpful group for you OP.

[IdisagreeMrHochhauser]

@AreTheyOrArentThey

I know @onelittlefrog I have failed him

No you haven't. He's a child and you are a parent. What if you'd found out he was being bullied or had fallen into drugs. Would you be wringing your hands at invading his privacy then?

Ideally he would've come to you with this first and hopefully he still will come to you but you gave him access to a phone on the understanding that you would have access to it and this is the consequence of that.

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

Thanks @Clymene @IdisagreeMrHochhauser

i do feel terrible and I know I can’t let him know I betrayed his trust. Thanks for the Bayswater link, they’ve already been tremendously helpful. His first day seemed to go well - as far I know everyone is calling him by the name I gave him!! And he was full of stories so that’s good….