Secretly trans DS?

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

have name changed for this

Confession time first, I massively messed up. We have an agreement with 13yo DS that we only check his phone messages in front of him. Do it randomly and honestly not very often because though quiet he’s always been trustworthy. Except apparently because I broke his trust and now I know something I wish I didn’t.

I asked to check his messages a few days ago and he handed it over straight away and as I was looking he asked me not to look at the messages between him and GirlA and him and GirlB (who I know and know their parents well too) because someone had come out who wasn’t ready to share it further yet so out of respect could I not look. I agreed.

then yesterday I decided to look at the messages. He never hides his phone, charges it in the kitchen with the others, I know his password etc so he does trust me. I only read the thread between him and GirlA in which she asks him if he wants her to call him X (insert really frou frou old lady name) in front of GirlB and he says he hasn’t told her he is trans - then a few messages later says he has told GirlB he is trans and is sad to have done it over text.

I am beside myself with guilt for betraying his trust but also wracked with fear due to finding this out. I’m swinging between utter denial and making up stories in my head he’s only saying it for attention from these two girls, and being devastated because it has changed everything about him and us and our relationship.

I noticed a few extra things the last few days - he has as his WhatsApp photo the trans logo and I did ask him (before I found out about the messages) why he had that, I stupidly answered the question for him and asked was it as an ally and he shrugged yes. He has as his avatar on something else (can’t remember what) a female animated face with a Scorpio hairstyle.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told anyone else, least of all DH because there is no way we would have guessed this and as I said it has changed everything for me. A huge part of me is hoping it’s a phase he’s exploring with friends and he’ll get over it and never feel the need to tell us.

I don’t know what to do. A lot of my very close friends are gay, I have a few peripheral trans friends and I see how hard the world is for those who identify that way. I am terrified for him and for us - he is 6’2” and still growing, he hit puberty early AND we’ve just done a major move literally thousands of miles away from where he has spent the last 10years. Could this be a way of his anxieties about the move coming out?

Seriously though what do I do? I can’t tell him I broke his trust, he will never tell me anything ever again but then he isn’t telling me this huge thing anyway so is our whole relationship not at all the close one I thought it was?!

He is an introvert who struggles to show his feelings at the best of times, we’ve been looking into a therapist anyway to help navigate this as well as have support during the move.

My 10yo DD told us a few months ago she was bi and then she was gay and honestly my reaction was ok cool, I mean she’s 10 but I honestly couldn’t care less and wouldn’t be worried in the same way if she did turn out to be gay. But trans?! Especially as a very tall MtF? She is all over Pride and rainbows and reading experiences and heavily identifying, maybe she’s gay maybe she isn’t but maybe this is impacting my DS who if this is a true identification probabLy feels she’s taking over and therefore will bury his feelings even more.

sorry for the incredibly long post, I just really don’t know where to turn

The politically correct thing to say is to check with the person as there are different views on this.

Caitlyn Jenner is happy for people to talk about Bruce and use he/him pronouns. Others call that deadnaming and literal violence.

DH is spiralling - DS today seems to be “practising” or playing with a new high pitched laugh and voice while gaming with his sister. I don’t think it’s massively outside of other high pitched squeals he normally does while gaming but maybe it is more pronounced.

DH was severely bullied throughout secondary school and I think he’s terrified this is going to happen to DS. All very easy to be supportive when it’s all still secretive I suppose. I don’t think I have the capacity to support them both!!!

I can’t offer advice but just want to say I am sorry you are struggling with this difficult situation. You are being very supportive to your children. Is there anyone you (and perhaps your husband) can consult for personal advice (ie for support for you yourselves)?

We can't stop the same things happening...I expect my eldest was already experiencing similar things to me and I had no idea (I certainly don't think I told my parents about the girls who would choose who was excluded that week). Secondary school is a weird hell, but I wouldn't have wanted my parents saving me from it, you kind of have to go through it. The trying out the laugh... it will be something else in a month and the month after that, I don't know what's next but of all the harmful things teenagers do I am still (kind of) able to take where we are at. My husband finds it hard but he has mentally rewritten his teens and twenties (I know the truth!) Nothing is set in stone, teen years are hard and this trans thing seems very powerful (respect to people who are and it helps them). Hang in there.

I said that between us I was more similar to my child - you said your DH had more, if different, asd tenancies. I kind of feel like I know who they are, month by month, by thinking back to my adolescence. We didn't have the trans identity to go with then, but I recognise the different moods/need for space/obsessions etc. Does your DH recognise anything, if he looks past the trans identity and thinks back to exactly that age himself?

@beanieBE yes DH recognises a lot of DS’s struggles from his own adolescence.

DH is really struggling, properly spiralling. I’m doing ok because honestly if I can compartmentalise I can almost forget any of this is happening as nothing has changed outwardly in DS. He isn’t really responding to my last message so I’ll leave it for now. At least he seems to not be on his phone or any other tech much at the moment

I'm so sorry - as I say we are a year in and even though there are more trans identity flourishes, I enjoy seeing them happier and growing in confidence. I have needed to coach my DH a lot (away from possible ears obviously) - like you I compartmentalise. Whatever helps, chunking is a psychotherapy term, blocking out the time in ways you can deal with - when we were really in the rough this was hourly (eg school departure went well/I have arrived at work), but now I can mentally list where we are at daily/weekly (no major problems, all alive, X smiled at that thing I said). Your DS will feel the stress coming off your DH (mine can and it's not currently great for their relationship but it's not awful either). He has to see beyond this current coping mechanism (whether it continues or not) and connect with the little chap he knows. Also, I thought I was in the dog house today but then we had a lovely laugh about something silly - it's a teenage thing as well as a trans thing (as is that makes it easier!)

I mean really really normal stuff for DH, TV show, gaming, bbqing, just a half hour hanging out thing regularly, no wtf stress

And that's not because it makes it all go away, it's because you have to be on this ride together (even though the pushing away and eye rolling is next...)

@AreTheyOrArentThey He's 13 your are checking his phone for safety reasons- there is always a reason a child asks you not to look at something and for that reason you should look. Stop beating yourself up- you were being a responsible parent-
Imagine it had been about drugs or a suicide pact- you would never forgive yourself!

I would go back and talk to him about Child A and Child B and ask if they have told their parents now and if not why? Explain that some teenagers have normal mixed feelings and sometimes they think they are gay or lesbian or trans but actually it's just their hormones playing tricks on them and allowing them to explore who they are and will become much later on.

I say if it was my child I'll like to know to help them get the right information before they made big decisions and I. Now it's hard to talk to parents so maybe you could tell A or B to write to their parents, text or email as sometimes that's easier.

Then see if he comes to you.

"being devastated because it has changed everything about him and us and our relationship"
Why? Your child is still your child. Their personality is still essentially the same.
It seems most of your concern stems from fear of discrimination and bullying. But really, what impacts trans children's happiness the most is having the support of close family and friends. The second is already there. If you put in the first, most of the rest should be handled by therapy.

Also, I notice a lot of talk around "not showing signs". Often what that means is people don't REMEMBERthe signs, or the child hides them from parents. I mean, read what you've written and look how freaked out you sound. Would it surprise you your child has hidden their gender identity?

@Iambecomethequeen i do appreciate your responses - my comment about it having changed everything was the fact he had kept it so secret, I honestly thought our relationship was closer than that. And my freaking out is absolutely only happening on this thread and to my DH, my response towards DS has been very calm and measured and full of love but I do take your point.

he’s meeting the therapist today so we shall see. We’ve had no internet all week and in an area with terrible reception so he’s had basically no time online which I generally think is a good thing anyway. He took a while to answer my last message and his says that a video he watched of a YouTuber coming out made him think back to memories where he “acted trans” (his words) and made him think a bit deeper about his gender identity.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I genuinely believe in dismantling the system of gender, I would love for the whole label to disappear frankly and we can all just choose to show ourselves how we want to be shown. I do believe in sex and the differences and necessary separation and needs that come from literally having different male and female bodies, and him saying he has acted trans rather than female in the past does admittedly feel like a strange phrase to me. The two friends I have who are MtF have always described it as wanting specifically to be women, feeling like their bodies should have been female bodies - I know everyone’s experience is different but I don’t know, isn’t trans wanting to actually be the opposite sex rather than wanting to be trans? Does that make sense?

these friends admittedly aren’t super close so I haven’t talked in detail with them, and I have 2 close friends who identify as non binary (born female) who say they just always felt they didn’t fit the mould of being female and were bullied by overbearing fathers for not wanting to wear dresses etc as children as a big part of feeling isolated

all these friends though have been on their gender identity journeys as adults

DS is in with the therapist for his first session so we’ll see how that goes.

if we didn’t know we def wouldn’t know, nothing has outwardly changed for DS but a few times DH has seen tabs open on his laptop (when DS has actively shown something he’s working on, but you can see the tabs) with clear searches to the tune of how to walk like a girl, how to wear a bra.

our texts are very succinct, I feel like I’m stepping on eggshells, ask a simple question and he doesn’t reply for a few days and when he does it’s very short. He seems very convinced on texts, says he has looked at past memories where he feels he acted trans - specifically has said when playing role playing games as a child he would always opt to play a female character.

I feel like he’s obviously still figuring this out on his own, doesn’t want or need our input, isn’t spending a huge amount of time online though. I don’t know what I’m looking for really, just saying I’m still here and still feel like I’m failing to support in any meaningful way

I hope the appointment with the therapist went well. Will you be able to get any feedback? Or is there strict confidentiality between therapist and child?
from what you have said, you are supporting in a very meaningful way and doing your best to navigate through a confusing and difficult situation.

Hi AreTheyOrArentThey, yes I think mine is rewriting history slightly too, in a navel gazing way, so again perfect teenage behaviour but caught up in this trend/phenomenon. So if it isn't asd we might be out in a year or so, if it is it could be longer. At least gids has closed. It will be the long game I think, which I can do so long as we are not heading towards surgery (as in we're not, because gids has closed). Have lovely days, play the long game. Have you booked the theatre?!

Yes I was beyond relieved to hear about them shutting GIDS @beanieBE so at least the option for hormones and surgery are gone for now.

what does a girl even walk like?! We all walk totally differently. I think the thing I’m struggling with now is his refusal to engage with me/us about it. Whatever he’s exploring he’s doing it very much away from us and while I understand that’s natural to a certain extent it can’t help but make me worry - regardless of what he was exploring, I’m his mum and I want to protect and help him

mind you I told my parents fuck all, was up to all sorts of no good and reading books that validated my depression and low self worth, self harmed for years before they knew, took drugs several nights a week….my poor mum.

thankyoj @Inamuddle36 it seemed to go well, she said she will be providing feedback but prob not after the first session as they’re still getting to know each other to a certain extent

Yes exactly, I don't think I can stop mine going through all the stages I did, it's just that they all seem to be doing it using gender ideology - which I do find weird because the stereotypes are so backwards, but mine won't engage about all that at all. Just as I wouldn't have engaged about drinking/body issues. But when they're genuinely enjoying something it does seem to be harder for them to remember to do the funny little head tilt or hair flick....so I like spotting the glimpses of their old self. All I can do is try to remember the stages where it got easier for me and hope it's similar, that they feel happier in themselves. And like you say, just as our mums must have been thinking. Mine has also always hated being helped with anything anyway, so I really have to do a kind of mental block on that side of things and just try to connect about other stuff.

It's interesting that he leaves the other tabs able to be seen - it could be deliberate, but I feel mine has a certain naivety about inner world vs the real world, so he might literally not be thinking of it as visible? But I know you do encourage openness with web use anyway. And also to say you absolutely are supporting in a meaningful way, we just have to do it silently! You are aware of it, you have the therapist on board, and you care, that's really all we can do.

@beanieBE have you discussed this with anyone in real life? Part of me wonders if my mum might be the only person who would understand. I do worry about opening up to any friends and being accused of being a transphobe

Because we are a year plus along, close family and friends do know. They are actually overly keen to affirm and enjoy using the name and pronouns loudly - which of course is supportive but I feel like...did you not know them at all? Because to me this will be a phase, even if it's a ten year one, if I try to explain about the massive connection with autism I can see them looking at me sympathetically, like I'm grasping at straws, they haven't heard of the connection even though it's huge. I would like to talk to my Mum about it as I see so much in me (not the break down, I quietly hated my changing body but on the outside I was just weird and super-focused, and risk-taking) but she's no longer with us, I've had questions about my teenage self for a long time! But no one has gone anywhere near transphobia and I haven't told anyone who would dare! It's been the opposite, I can't really 'discuss' it except with DH, it's just been a big old love in.

I mean I can talk about it with them, they are non judgemental, but without direct experience people do take it at face value and say things like 'very brave', no one has the tools to explore what's happening without having experience. I don't even think anyone's worried about saying the wrong thing, everyone's just primed to be unquestioning and supportive, which I can see because we are the generation that grew up with the media frenzy of coming out as gay, so if you don't understand about the mental health side of things, you would take it as a genuine coming out. So really only people who are right in it understand. But it would definitely be interesting to talk to your mum about other teenage stuff and another view maybe?

Yeah I think I might try to find the time to talk to her

DS has totally stopped communicating about it, hasn’t replied to my text in over a week. We’re going away for a few days just him and me tomorrow, I don’t know whether to bring it up. He won’t - he never brings things up. I just wish I knew what’s was going on in his head

new school is incoming and I’m worried about him trying to introduce himself as a girl, his hair is now really long but he never washes it and it looks rubbish so DH out of nowhere said he was going ti make him cut it off if he didn’t look after it. DS has settled into his high pitched laugh but otherwise we would still have no idea if we didn’t know and that’s so disconcerting

Mmmm. I don't discuss it directly with mine anymore, it was never wanted plus I believe the psychotherapist is asking these questions as much as anyone can. I always had the feeling mine had been primed online with what to say and what to expect me to say, but I sort of avoided that whole game and now we just have a new relationship, which is pretty good considering they are 15, but obviously avoiding the elephant. And they change so much so fast, maybe you could talk more generally about whether he still finds the text communication helpful? But mostly I would think enjoy your time together away as much as possible. With the school, it's hard as we started with a secretive attempt at a girls name at school then a launch of the current name, it was all done and dusted really. Unless he will talk to you (which would basically involve you suggesting the new identity?) I think you will have to wait and see. It won't be an unknown phenomenon to the school at all, but I don't know if you know/trust any of the teachers yet, the area and school is new isn't it? With the hair, I think I would try to insist on washing or cutting as with any other child, but again if he won't, he will soon get into a new pattern when he realises he doesn't like being at secondary school with lank hair I would think 🤞

Sorry I think my answer sounds a bit Stockholm syndrome, which I have felt I have about it all, but actually I am still feeling the relief that we have time for this now GIDS has closed.