Secretly trans DS?

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

have name changed for this

Confession time first, I massively messed up. We have an agreement with 13yo DS that we only check his phone messages in front of him. Do it randomly and honestly not very often because though quiet he’s always been trustworthy. Except apparently because I broke his trust and now I know something I wish I didn’t.

I asked to check his messages a few days ago and he handed it over straight away and as I was looking he asked me not to look at the messages between him and GirlA and him and GirlB (who I know and know their parents well too) because someone had come out who wasn’t ready to share it further yet so out of respect could I not look. I agreed.

then yesterday I decided to look at the messages. He never hides his phone, charges it in the kitchen with the others, I know his password etc so he does trust me. I only read the thread between him and GirlA in which she asks him if he wants her to call him X (insert really frou frou old lady name) in front of GirlB and he says he hasn’t told her he is trans - then a few messages later says he has told GirlB he is trans and is sad to have done it over text.

I am beside myself with guilt for betraying his trust but also wracked with fear due to finding this out. I’m swinging between utter denial and making up stories in my head he’s only saying it for attention from these two girls, and being devastated because it has changed everything about him and us and our relationship.

I noticed a few extra things the last few days - he has as his WhatsApp photo the trans logo and I did ask him (before I found out about the messages) why he had that, I stupidly answered the question for him and asked was it as an ally and he shrugged yes. He has as his avatar on something else (can’t remember what) a female animated face with a Scorpio hairstyle.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told anyone else, least of all DH because there is no way we would have guessed this and as I said it has changed everything for me. A huge part of me is hoping it’s a phase he’s exploring with friends and he’ll get over it and never feel the need to tell us.

I don’t know what to do. A lot of my very close friends are gay, I have a few peripheral trans friends and I see how hard the world is for those who identify that way. I am terrified for him and for us - he is 6’2” and still growing, he hit puberty early AND we’ve just done a major move literally thousands of miles away from where he has spent the last 10years. Could this be a way of his anxieties about the move coming out?

Seriously though what do I do? I can’t tell him I broke his trust, he will never tell me anything ever again but then he isn’t telling me this huge thing anyway so is our whole relationship not at all the close one I thought it was?!

He is an introvert who struggles to show his feelings at the best of times, we’ve been looking into a therapist anyway to help navigate this as well as have support during the move.

My 10yo DD told us a few months ago she was bi and then she was gay and honestly my reaction was ok cool, I mean she’s 10 but I honestly couldn’t care less and wouldn’t be worried in the same way if she did turn out to be gay. But trans?! Especially as a very tall MtF? She is all over Pride and rainbows and reading experiences and heavily identifying, maybe she’s gay maybe she isn’t but maybe this is impacting my DS who if this is a true identification probabLy feels she’s taking over and therefore will bury his feelings even more.

sorry for the incredibly long post, I just really don’t know where to turn

DH and I are trying to work out how to get DS to talk to us. We know he is actively discussing this with his non-binary friend, has looked into testosterone blockers and is looking for local support groups. I feel like he’s trying to make at social changes to himself before letting us in on anything and we can’t support him in any way unless we know.

if anyone has any bright ideas? I’ve suggested we do the random phone check again but maybe DH does it this time because if DS says again don’t look at messages from X then DH can just say nope sorry, that’s not the deal, I’ll respect anyones right to privacy but the whole point is we have access when we ask for it…..

Have you tried bring up the "friend" who hasn't come out yet? Asking how they are? How are they coping? Asking if there's anything you could support with? Talk about how having access to the right support is so
Important.

How do you mean @SillyFruit ? Referring to DS as a friend? As far as I know his two trans/non binary friends are very much out and have been for over a year but you’re right it might open up a door….

Everyone is glossing over the fact that your 10yo(!!!) is identifying as bisexual - what young child pre-pubescent is thinking in that way? It seems like there might be big issues in the family dynamics if there's such a big insistence on gender identities and sexuality labels. Does your son understand that there is more than one way to be a man?

@rattlemehearties honestly DD just loves positive attention and hates boys (because she’s 10) so I’m not setting much credence to it - kids are surrounded by needing labels I reckon and it was just pride month which we do celebrate as a family due to having a lot of very close gay friends so I reckon she’s just swept up in it.

i don’t know why this insistence on labels - we have always said when it comes to your sexuality there is plenty of time to figure it out and it can change. They both know non binary adults and children and yes we have conversations about how lovely it would be for gender to just not be labelled - coming at it from a feminist perspective that we’ve railed against labels and what a man and a woman should be for so long.

As previously said, my son has been exposed to all kinds of men from all walks of life. My own husband has modelled a man in touch with his feelings, unafraid to show and discuss his emotions, one of his “godparents” (I use the term loosely) is as manly as they get - in the marines, never discusses his feelings, slaps others on the back - and the other is the campest glitteriest man alive and we have many male friends who fill in that spectrum.

We do not have close trans friends, I have some peripheral ones who the kids have briefly met. I honestly don’t know what else we could have done to bring him up against the age old stereotypes of manhood…

In all honesty I’d leave him to come to you in his own time. I’ve known my daughter was gay since she was very young (it was just obvious) and I’ve always had my suspicions that she might be trans, which she confirmed by telling me when she was 14.
Do I wish she had been born in the body she’s comfortable in? Sure. But also, no, because then she wouldn’t be the frankly awesome human being that she is.

While she is trans, she’s comfortable being called ‘she’ until she’s much older-the only thing she is not remotely comfortable in is her own body. She’s too ashamed to even look in the mirror below neck level-which absolutely breaks my heart.

Kids these days are growing up in a very different world-many who think their trans at a young age will often grow out of it, because it’s simply a phase that society today has kind of forced them into thinking about-but there are some (and I’m 100% certain my daughter is one of them) that genuinely struggle with the gender they were born as.

I know it can be very confusing and heartbreaking for the parent, but just sit tight, he’ll come to you when he’s ready. Telling your close friends is one thing-but telling mum and dad makes it all very real.

You absolutely haven’t failed him.
You are trying to keep him safe.
Artificial hormones wreak havoc with people’s bodies.
If you want to know how much, just look up people like “ Shapeshifter “ who says he ( Detransitioner) just wished someone had given him a hug and told him he was OK as he was.

He now has osteoporosis and scoliosis and is in constant pain.
His surgery “Bottom” is a complete mess in his own words.
He said he was sold a lie by the Trans lobby online.
There is another young man detrans suing NHS for not offering counselling.

Dress how you like- But surgery and hormones can have far reaching effects and are irreversible.

who would wish osteoporosis on anyone!
let alone bodged faux genitalia - listen to Detransitioners, their pain is real.

Watching with interest as my Dd 'thinks she might be Trans'.
Keep talking & listening to him OP xx

I couldn't look at myself in the mirror either. I really hated myself. I've grown out of the mirror part. The hatred not so much. A lot of these kids are gay, autistic, gender non conforming (or all three) or deeply unhappy about themselves or something in their life. Very very few will actually be trans.

@IdisagreeMrHochhauser I’m so sorry to hear that - do you mind me asking if you’re trans?

I started hating my body around the age of 12 and it’s never really gone away except when I’ve been pretty thin, but I understand that being trans must be so so heartbreaking difficult every single time one looks in the mirror.

Thanks again for all the support - @WhimsicalGubbins you make a good point about telling Mum and Dad makes it real.

DH and I went on a long walk to be able to really talk out all our fears and concerns and thoughts of how we move forward to support DS whatever happens and despite the fact he hasn’t actually told us. We’ve been talking for ages about getting him a therapist to help with the move anyway (discussing with him) so we’re accelerating that because what I don’t want is him only getting advice and support from other children.

we’re also going to make a concerted effort for one on one time and do as much as we can to show him how much we love him. And give opportunities if he does want to talk (one on one time probably) and also take any opportunities he might throw our way. A few days before I saw the messages I noted he had the trans emblem as his profile picture on a message thread and I asked him about it, he said as an ally and I left it (at the time I totally accepted this) but I do see he is occasionally throwing things like this at us probably to judge our reaction.

today he came home from school saying at lunch he went to a safe space, a classroom a bisexual teacher keeps open for LGBTQ+ students with two friends. When I asked why he said as an ally again. If his sister hadn’t been dancing around at that point I probably would have asked if it’s appropriate for straight, cis students to go there considering it’s not for them, no matter how allied they are. But now I feel like he’s given enough pieces (looking into LGBTQ+ bullying policy, the safe space, the profile picture, shaving, growing his hair and nails) that we can reasonably ask if he does in fact identity with the community. And if he trots out the ally line it gives me at least a chance to categorically tell him I love him and whatever labels he identifies with or doesn’t or changes, none of it matters as much as his long term happiness in my book.

I feel better now DH and I are talking. I am concerned the classroom trip means he has told these girls at school who he’s known for about a day - so he doesn’t actually know if he can trust them (I am so so worried about bullying) - but at least if he did tell them they have taken him somewhere he can get support. Now might be the time for me to ask the school what their position is on social transitioning….

No. I'm not trans. I'm bisexual and autistic. Female. But well into my 20s I thought I had a 'male brain' and I'm pretty convinced I would have thought I was trans if I was a youngster now. Discovering my same sex attraction made it all make sense. But I knew I wasn't a lesbian but wondered if I might be for a bit.

I'm bisexual and I'm gender non conforming and never needed any hormones or a gender identity to get to that point.

Thankyou for sharing @IdisagreeMrHochhauser Honestly I’m all for gender fluidity and gender non confirming and exploring the binary - honestly I wish we could just get rid of the concept of gender completely

OP: I am impressed by all the efforts you and your husband are making to support your son. He is fortunate to have caring parents.
i am somewhat surprised (though perhaps nothing should surprise me anymore) that s hook pupils are aware a teacher is bisexual. Why should pupils be aware of any aspect of their teachers’ sexuality? It just seems irrelevant to the teaching. I would not want a heterosexual teacher to discuss his sex life or desires to find a female partner and likewise would not want a bisexual teacher to discuss his sex life and desire to find a female or male partner. Why do pupils need to know what are their teachers’ private desires?

Gender doesn't have to be labelled in 2022. There is a very vocal crowd who are spreading that ideology rapidly about but it's only a belief system. I don't think we have any evidence that it's making people any happier. And it's making some people very much unhappier.

At that age no one really knows what they are

We all experiment

@rattlemehearties
What utter nonsense.

Everyone knows their sexuality at a very young age. Didn't you? Didn't you fancy a boy in primary or send a Valentine ? Etc
Why are you frying to oversexualise who someone is?
Heterosexual
Bisexual
Homosexual

No difference, all kids all feel first innocent fancying & all know who the 'like'

Get your homophobia in the bin.

Back to you OP
All the love & support in the world. Yoy sound a great mum. Stop beating yourself up xxx

I just wanted to send you a big hugs this can all be so confusing for parents that had no idea their children are exploring these things.
My now 16 year old came out to me as gay, then pan, and now believe she is trans.
At every announcment I held her tight and told her that I love her whatever she is, and whoever she loves.
I believe she is more gender fluid than anything else, she wears a mix of oversize tshirts and leggings or flowy dresses, and puts herself together in a style that is definitely her own.
She doesn't demand that I address her with a male name, and I try my best to say my child rather than my daughter, but sometimes slip up.
I think it helps for her to know that I just love her to pieces. Her 18 year old brother identifies as bi but so far has only talked about girlfriends.
All we can do is support them, and love them as hard as we can. I think you are doing a great job!

Talk to TransgenderTrend, this has social contagion written all over it.

No they don't!!! I was in my 20s before I knew I was same sex attracted. Some people don't come out until their 50s.

I would have done exactly the same thing.

There is a fantastic support group for families in your situation op.........Im trying to remember the name of it..... Belmont/Bethnal....... its not that um....... hoping someone here will remember! Based in London with a name that starts with the letter 'b'

For now I would say absolutely nothing. Wait for him to choose his moment. When he does.......... at some point Id watch....... and get him to watch....... Terf Wars (a video on you tube) and What is a woman? (matt walsh - Im not a fan of his but the doc is very thought provoking) and other informative documentaries (from all perspectives) before making any life changing choices.

Transgender trend - another good source of info.

Agree with the transgender trend suggestions.

And stop feeling guilty for looking at his messages. That's how we keep children safe. You have not failed him at all by reading his messages.

The more you can encourage him to remember that puberty is tricky, being at a new school (in new system too?) is hard, that he has lots of time to experiment with his identity the better.

And look at ways to fill his time with activities where he doesn't have time to talk/think about gender. Music, sport, ANYTHING.

It's The Beaumont Society

@beachcitygirl Why on earth do you think I'm straight?? I'm not fwiw. A 10 yo does not need labels for their sexuality, they are 10 and too young for sex (goes without saying). The OP already replied to me anyway in a much more eloquent way so not sure why I'm bothering engaging.