Secretly trans DS?

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

have name changed for this

Confession time first, I massively messed up. We have an agreement with 13yo DS that we only check his phone messages in front of him. Do it randomly and honestly not very often because though quiet he’s always been trustworthy. Except apparently because I broke his trust and now I know something I wish I didn’t.

I asked to check his messages a few days ago and he handed it over straight away and as I was looking he asked me not to look at the messages between him and GirlA and him and GirlB (who I know and know their parents well too) because someone had come out who wasn’t ready to share it further yet so out of respect could I not look. I agreed.

then yesterday I decided to look at the messages. He never hides his phone, charges it in the kitchen with the others, I know his password etc so he does trust me. I only read the thread between him and GirlA in which she asks him if he wants her to call him X (insert really frou frou old lady name) in front of GirlB and he says he hasn’t told her he is trans - then a few messages later says he has told GirlB he is trans and is sad to have done it over text.

I am beside myself with guilt for betraying his trust but also wracked with fear due to finding this out. I’m swinging between utter denial and making up stories in my head he’s only saying it for attention from these two girls, and being devastated because it has changed everything about him and us and our relationship.

I noticed a few extra things the last few days - he has as his WhatsApp photo the trans logo and I did ask him (before I found out about the messages) why he had that, I stupidly answered the question for him and asked was it as an ally and he shrugged yes. He has as his avatar on something else (can’t remember what) a female animated face with a Scorpio hairstyle.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told anyone else, least of all DH because there is no way we would have guessed this and as I said it has changed everything for me. A huge part of me is hoping it’s a phase he’s exploring with friends and he’ll get over it and never feel the need to tell us.

I don’t know what to do. A lot of my very close friends are gay, I have a few peripheral trans friends and I see how hard the world is for those who identify that way. I am terrified for him and for us - he is 6’2” and still growing, he hit puberty early AND we’ve just done a major move literally thousands of miles away from where he has spent the last 10years. Could this be a way of his anxieties about the move coming out?

Seriously though what do I do? I can’t tell him I broke his trust, he will never tell me anything ever again but then he isn’t telling me this huge thing anyway so is our whole relationship not at all the close one I thought it was?!

He is an introvert who struggles to show his feelings at the best of times, we’ve been looking into a therapist anyway to help navigate this as well as have support during the move.

My 10yo DD told us a few months ago she was bi and then she was gay and honestly my reaction was ok cool, I mean she’s 10 but I honestly couldn’t care less and wouldn’t be worried in the same way if she did turn out to be gay. But trans?! Especially as a very tall MtF? She is all over Pride and rainbows and reading experiences and heavily identifying, maybe she’s gay maybe she isn’t but maybe this is impacting my DS who if this is a true identification probabLy feels she’s taking over and therefore will bury his feelings even more.

sorry for the incredibly long post, I just really don’t know where to turn

Does he go on tik tok much OP?

The way he’s gone about coming out is very dramatic, particularly for what many genuine trans people is a very difficult thing to accept and become open about. None of this not so subtle picture changing and different language statuses. That would make me think he’s definitely getting ideas from somewhere.

Its difficult when you’ve just moved but I think you need to consider both limiting his social media use age and also encouraging new hobbies outside of the LGBT+ community.

I really don't mean to keep jumping on this but I don't often see a situation so much like mine - this is the thing, this new phenomenon is different from people who have always known they were trans, but we are still going to have to go through the whole thing. My child has never been on tik tok, has stopped most social media due to hating seeing anti trans views - the horse has bolted, they don't need affirmation through social media anymore.

They also have a lot of other interests (which I agree is vital) but it doesn't stop the obsession, it just makes them happier whilst they go about transitioning.

@user1471504747 he doesn’t have TikTok, Instagram, Facebook etc. we watched the social dilemma nearly a year ago together and he was appalled at the time and said he doesn’t want social media until he is 16 at the earliest. Of course there are other forms of social media that I probably don’t know he’s on.

he responded to my text saying he’s been thinking about since March, so not long at all, and it was after watching a YouTuber doing a video about coming out. DH and I are going to watch that together and go from there. He has opened a dialogue with me and for that I am grateful but I want to make sure I establish trust and then try to keep him off places like Reddit maybe by installing a monitoring app (which he will know about)

I agree @beanieBE i can and will get him involved with as much as poss but I know from experience it doesn’t get rid of obsessive thoughts patterns. And I can’t ban him from texting with his friends

your children are fortunate to have understanding supportive parents!

i share others’ concerns about social media and kick myself for not having put in place stricter controls (having become blasé in early teen years as our son didn’t show any interest in social media so we assumed we were “lucky” — but, by relaxing, didn’t note he had picked up a Reddit and quora habit.)

i am sure you are aware that any control you put on can be circumvented by using mobile data (bypassing home wifi) and/or virtual private networks. It is difficult, perhaps impossible, to really exert “control” so perhaps the more reasonable goal is to have awareness of what your children are accessing and an open avenue to discuss the content they read.

@Inamuddle36 i def worry about quora!

he’s responding really well to the text conversation so I’m very grateful to PP who suggested that way of communicating.

I watched the video he suggested and it has literally no resemblance to my son’s life experience. In his own words he has told me “It feels like my body isn’t really up to speed. I didn’t feel trans before but when I started puberty it really didn’t feel right.” and he checked his journal and he started thinking this way on 20th April - less than 3 months ago!! The video of the YouTuber coming out, that person explains how they spent their whole childhood wanting to be a girl and secretly wearing their sisters dresses, and how they come from a deeply religious family with strong anti LGBT views….this is not at all my DS’s experience!

Really recommend the Gender: a wider lens podcast. Rapid onset gender dysphoria was thought to be a phenomenon mostly experienced by girls but it's increasingly being seen in boys. I think they did an episode focused on it. I'll see if I can find the link.

Not sure if they have done that one yet. I can't see it. I think they said it's on their list to do. This one covers ROGD more generally

gender-a-wider-lens.captivate.fm/episode/42-rogd-and-the-struggle-to-grow-up

Op, please be careful. My eldest son came out as gender questioning and then possibly transgender. We spent 3 years on suicide watch. Then my younger son came out as transgender. I was horrified, not because of how they dressed etc ( no problem with long hair and feminine clothing AT ALL) but because suddenly I was told I was a TERF for refusing to say I gave birth to daughters, not sons. Anyway, my house was raided by the police while I was away for the weekend and my 18 and 15yo sons were arrested on suspicion of illegal images.

My eldest son admitted it a few days later when I was home and took him to make a statement. Turned out that both boys had been accessing a lot of porn and very dodgy hentai/anime stuff. The eldest had basically been groomed online from age 11 and then Inadvertently done the same to to his brother. My eldest now has SHPO against him and a criminal record . Everybody in our town knows what he did. Is totally destroyed our lives. But thankfully the eldest no longer believes he's a girl..... funny how that changed as soon as he could no longer access porn or any social media at all. The youngest has totally noght into it, changed his name in college to something ultra feminine. Is mental because other than long hair he looks EXACTLY like a boy. Joggers, converse, hoody's, smelly armpits, shit pit of a bedroom! there is literally NOTHING feminine about him. But him and his 3 make friends sit around looking exactly like boys and claiming to be girls while cashing each other ridiculous girls names like Krystal and Donna and Vixen. Is all related to internet usage.

Crikey @devonianBiatch I’m so sorry, that sounds unbelievably crazy!!!

we’re going to meet a therapist this afternoon to see if she might be a good fit for our son. I need to figure out a way of coming down on internet usage while still letting him have access to messaging his friends who now all live abroad

@devonianBiatch
Agree with nearly everything you said. I have a Ftm 18 year old. Not a masculine bone in their body. Loves marvel, that's it. Has a male boyfriend. Bullied and attacked at 12. Out of school for 7 months so lived in the world of the Internet. Bingo we have gender dysphoria.
My best advice is let it be. I call them Jimbo when I remember, however they have been Robyn and their birth name.
I have given up on the male clothing gig but I am not enabling surgery or medication. These influencers fecked up their education for which I will always be angry. I see more feminine traits coming back.

How did the meeting go AreTheyOrArentThey? I hope you get someone as there are next to no non-affirmming voices in my child's life now other than the psychotherapist. I feel we have to go along with it or they will stop sharing stuff with me. Schools get on board very quickly, they don't have time to do anything else (and would just be denounced as bigoted anyway).

Sorry, that sounded a bit doom mongering - there are lots of brilliant people in my child's life, but I am so relieved to have a trained psychotherapist to pick out the hard to say things.

Thanks for checking in @beanieBE

she is an arts psychotherapist but calls herself a life coach to the children she works with. She was interesting, asked us a lot of questions about him, explained about herself and her process - she does talk and AWFUL lot but she also has a lot of experience, worked through CAHMS for a while but didn’t agree with using the same approach for every child, has fostered and adopted a lot of children herself and works with foster parents and adopters and teachers.

she said she believes in the circle of trust ie she will keep us informed but tell him she’ll only tell us anything very pertinent to his safety, which honestly I appreciate and want. She also asked if we thought he was on the spectrum and said if after working with him for a while she thought it would be worth pursuing a diagnosis she’d help but only if it would actually benefit him (she also has a lot of experience with ASD).

she very much described it as holding him in this moment in his life, helping support him while he figures things out. She also doesn’t do talking therapy, it’s all through art which actually I think could work well for a boy who hates talking. I don’t think she’ll even probe for him to talk about transgenderism let alone jump into affirming it for him.

we’ll take him to meet her and see what he thinks….

That does sound really interesting AreTheyOrArentThey, the idea of holding them in this moment of life really resonates, they are so young and processing so much, especially for our kids who are geared to do that inwardly and silently! She sounds very experienced across a lot of relevant areas - I can understand why she found CAMHS too rigid. Hope your son likes the idea!

Sounds hopeful. Good luck.

I hope so. Honestly I’m worried again, he hasn’t replied to my last message because something about a previous message made me worried he has contacted an influencer or forum so I asked him and he hasn’t responded. We’ve always talked a lot about not communicating with strangers online etc - I really hope he’s not just avoiding it because it’s true

Age wise I am realising there is now a lot about my child's life I no longer know (same through the ages probably?!). If your son is not telling you about something, this may be something the therapist digs out, or he may just not want the questioning. It's really difficult and it's like a different person every six months here, but they are intelligent (if socially immature) and I can (overall) trust them, so we deal with one thing at a time. We are currently in the 'pushing away' bit, which is correct for their age. While they push away, they are polite (they have realised this works best) but I know when I have overstepped their boundaries (as I implied before I absolutely do not want to be clearly walking on eggshells, so I just back off a bit more, watchfully). Where they come alive is when we do something together (just the two of us) which is their main interest - arts related, better not be too specific. And quite grown up - we are also in the realm of 'not wanting to be treated like a kid'. So we have these brilliant outings, and then I wait for the next time we can do it! Is there something you can do together, kind of every few weeks, a date, that you both enjoy? A 13 year old will be trying to get space, but will also want to be taken to stuff he otherwise can't! I mean I know you know this, but this is the time. But I never probe when we're out, it's more like trying to remember their core self. And that's why I appreciate the therapist, I hope she's catching the stuff I can't while I spend time with their real core (but changing) self.

If your son is in contact with an influencer or forum, that's the sort of thing that I've no idea how to combat. I massively resent the harm available on the internet, when so much that they do needs the internet. All I can do is fight back with real stuff, until they get older and more maturity kicks in. But it's a vital age as mine will soon want to stop doing this stuff with me!

@beanieBE you sound like a wonderful parent and I really appreciate you sharing your experiences

we have said we’ll be theatre buddies and I’ve started looking at what we can go and see together

I agree with @MajesticWhine Although it is hard to do nothing, I would actually do nothing. As long as he knows you are always there for support and a chat, then that is what matters. Otherwise you face all sorts of backlash while he is trying to work it out for himself.

If I am telling a story about John (this is a made up person), who currently identifies as male, which occurred before the transition, while they identified as female, what pronouns do I use?
For instance, say the transition occurred when John was 20 years old, and I’m telling a story about when they were 16 years old, would I say,
“When Joanna was 16, she was very popular.

Can I suggest you contact - or at least read their website - the people at Genspect.

genspect.org/

Also the podcast by Stella O’Malley, “Gender a Wider Lens” Hugely compassionate discussions from very experienced therapists who work with gender questioning teens.

Transgender Trend is another really useful website and organisation (and more balanced than Mermaids).

That's absolutely perfect AreTheyOrArentThey

Thanks @GoodThinkingMax those sites have been recommended and I’ve been reading through them a lot but I’ll also get onto the podcast