Secretly trans DS?

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

have name changed for this

Confession time first, I massively messed up. We have an agreement with 13yo DS that we only check his phone messages in front of him. Do it randomly and honestly not very often because though quiet he’s always been trustworthy. Except apparently because I broke his trust and now I know something I wish I didn’t.

I asked to check his messages a few days ago and he handed it over straight away and as I was looking he asked me not to look at the messages between him and GirlA and him and GirlB (who I know and know their parents well too) because someone had come out who wasn’t ready to share it further yet so out of respect could I not look. I agreed.

then yesterday I decided to look at the messages. He never hides his phone, charges it in the kitchen with the others, I know his password etc so he does trust me. I only read the thread between him and GirlA in which she asks him if he wants her to call him X (insert really frou frou old lady name) in front of GirlB and he says he hasn’t told her he is trans - then a few messages later says he has told GirlB he is trans and is sad to have done it over text.

I am beside myself with guilt for betraying his trust but also wracked with fear due to finding this out. I’m swinging between utter denial and making up stories in my head he’s only saying it for attention from these two girls, and being devastated because it has changed everything about him and us and our relationship.

I noticed a few extra things the last few days - he has as his WhatsApp photo the trans logo and I did ask him (before I found out about the messages) why he had that, I stupidly answered the question for him and asked was it as an ally and he shrugged yes. He has as his avatar on something else (can’t remember what) a female animated face with a Scorpio hairstyle.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told anyone else, least of all DH because there is no way we would have guessed this and as I said it has changed everything for me. A huge part of me is hoping it’s a phase he’s exploring with friends and he’ll get over it and never feel the need to tell us.

I don’t know what to do. A lot of my very close friends are gay, I have a few peripheral trans friends and I see how hard the world is for those who identify that way. I am terrified for him and for us - he is 6’2” and still growing, he hit puberty early AND we’ve just done a major move literally thousands of miles away from where he has spent the last 10years. Could this be a way of his anxieties about the move coming out?

Seriously though what do I do? I can’t tell him I broke his trust, he will never tell me anything ever again but then he isn’t telling me this huge thing anyway so is our whole relationship not at all the close one I thought it was?!

He is an introvert who struggles to show his feelings at the best of times, we’ve been looking into a therapist anyway to help navigate this as well as have support during the move.

My 10yo DD told us a few months ago she was bi and then she was gay and honestly my reaction was ok cool, I mean she’s 10 but I honestly couldn’t care less and wouldn’t be worried in the same way if she did turn out to be gay. But trans?! Especially as a very tall MtF? She is all over Pride and rainbows and reading experiences and heavily identifying, maybe she’s gay maybe she isn’t but maybe this is impacting my DS who if this is a true identification probabLy feels she’s taking over and therefore will bury his feelings even more.

sorry for the incredibly long post, I just really don’t know where to turn

No not at all, it’s very helpful talking to someone who understands.

I do think we need to be monitoring his phone more - it was a condition of him getting it - so my current thing is I need to figure out a way to do that within his knowledge but without him then feeling the need to delete everything. Maybe make it clear we don’t have to discuss all I find there, it’s just for me to keep him safe?

Our monitoring was always much more casual/interested - I know what they use and watch 95% of the time but there's going to be stuff I don't, just as there is SO much of their teenage life at school and with friends I don't know about. I can't really start overly checking now because that's not where we started. I feel like I have to trust some choices they are making, they seem to have made a good choice with their friendship group for example, and with schoolwork and hobbies. I feel like I can't wait for them to just get older now, which I've never felt before. The approach you suggested may be accepted, but I feel you may need a new balance as he gets older? And I wouldn't be surprised if he is going to really push for privacy soon. I hope someone has some good advice!

A diff scenario BUT I took the approach of 'trust & not reading messages' with my kind, mature, sensitive Ds, 15, 3 yrs ago. After he attempted suicide it turned out his 'best friend' had accused him of abuse. After a thorough SS investigation it proved totally 100% baseless. I contacted a local family lawyer who told me that the family of the accuser were 'known locally for false accusations'. I now regularly look at both their phones with permission.
I was drawn to this thread as my Dd 15, ASD, has just told me she 'is Trans'. She'd already told me she was gay. Like the OP I'd have no problem with non binary. My worry re Trans is that it maybe a phase & politically motivated medically induced change is offered too soon (in Scotland certainly) &, yes, the bullying is AWFUL.
Best of luck to you & your Ds, OP.

Thankyou @medianewbie the bullying in a brand new school in a brand new country is what is terrifying me the most

Sending DS off to his new school today. He’s very nervous. He’s stopped replying to my messages about this whole thing but a few weeks ago we also had a discussion about access to his phone and he said he’d actually rather I check his phone periodically without him there - I think he doesn’t mind me checking but finds everything so awkward at the moment he’d just rather not have to have conversations about anything important face to face. So he’s told a few more friends in our other country and they’ve all been quietly supportive - along the lines of “ok that’s cool” but not taking him his invitation to ask more questions or have further conversations.

I sent him a message last week saying I’m glad he has them to talk to but maybe hold off on what he says to who at the new school until we get to know the community and whether it is a supportive one, and asked him to come to me before deciding what to do re school so we can make decisions together or I can at least support him and know what’s going on. He never replied to that one so on a walk yesterday I said if he’s not going to engage with me on messages then we have to talk face to face (I pointed out we don’t need to have discussion, but a brief acknowledgement is better than nothing) so we’ll see how that goes.

best wishes, OP. You are making great efforts to be supportive and to find ways to communicate.

So no real massive updates but I really appreciated the support I got last time on this thread.

the conversation has totally disappeared between DS and I and if I didn’t know I wouldn’t know. I now check his phone every so often (with his consent) and he’s come out to a couple of other friends. Weirdly to most friends he makes out like his family doesn’t know but to one friend (she’s the daughter of a family we’re very close to here) he told her I knew, she asked if I was supportive and he said “nothing bad has come of it”

I know he watches videos of a particular trans woman YouTuber, who he recommended to me a while ago when I asked where he got his info from.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by just pretending it’s not a thing - clearly it’s still at the fore front of his mind as he’s telling his secret (that’s how he puts it) to friends. I think he’s told a few friends at his new school he’s gender questioning but otherwise these conversations are I think limited to text. Should I just continue to leave it, or should I remind him I’m here? He knows I check his phone so presumably he knows I know he’s told some people.

I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to be doing….FWIW he’s only allowed technology during the day and not in his room but my main concern has always been him getting information from Reddit etc from people who don’t have his best wishes at heart, and about him being bullied in a new school.

otherwise everything seems to be going well, he’s making friends and jumping into new activities, has his usual sunny disposition etc etc

Can I ask what happened with your child? I’m in a similar situation (potential ftm- I found out accidentally although she’s been presenting as male for 18 months- her own name still bough)
when they’re 18 all bets are off with doctors it seems:((

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly to me. He is bound to be moving away to independence a little (hence the not answering to everything), which is good and natural, and new friends, activities and sunny disposition sounds great! I know you are watching everything, but the glacial pace combined with the fact that he has told you hopefully means you can just remain watchful rather than anxious. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing, and it sounds like your child is happy and thriving, which is the best way as they gradually work out who they are.

By the way, you say he is not answering about this anymore - I hope you have lovely general chats/outings etc?

I’m digging up my old thread and again Thankyou for all the support a few months ago.

we found an art therapist for DS and explained to her his thoughts on being trans and also the huge move and his general inability to say how he’s feeling and talk about his thoughts. He’s been seeing her for I guess 6-7months now and we had a meeting last night, me him and her.

she spoke a lot and showed some “feelings” cards that he has picked out, all very normal but scary teenage stuff like feeling lost and lonely, and shocked and basically awful, all things I completely relate to being a teen. And we moved onto the elephant in the room.

She spoke on his behalf a lot - like he didn’t really say anything at all except to say yes or no. He is yet to say aloud “I feel I am trans” or “I feel like a girl”, in fact the only time he’s actually voiced any of this to me was a few weeks ago when very tearfully he said he was now questioning whether he was in fact trans but was worried because hormone replacement therapy has to happen before or during puberty. At the time I gently told him he can be whoever he eventually feels he is and it’s ok for that to change, and no way is he getting hormone replacement therapy and anyway, frankly, it’s too late - he’s 6’4”, pronounced Adam’s apple, very hair, his voice has broken etc etc

The relief was he said (via the therapist) he’s not ready to do any kind of social transitioning at school, he wants to wait until he leaves (his school stops at GCSE and he’s currently year 9) but she also said maybe he could start trying on some of the things he’d like to try in the therapy setting - like nail varnish (ugh ugh ugh why is nail varnish a girl thing suddenly??) or even a dress but she said I had to be brought into the conversation because he’s under 18. We also discussed bringing his dad into the conversation and I realised he thinks his dad has no idea so I let him know that of course he does because I can’t and wouldn’t keep something like this from him unless specifically asked by my son to do so.

I’m just posting for more support I think and to try to work out the next step. He is still utterly incapable of saying any of this out loud so I think I need to understand from his therapist what he’s actually said in his own words to her. Honestly I don’t care if he wants to try on a dress, but I want the therapy to be about helping him communicate and to understand what the underlying distress is about. She said some things that made me think she’s trying to walk a fine balance between being supportive and understanding and not discounting his feelings but also that full transitioning is very difficult, very hard, that lots of teenagers try on different hats and change how they feel so I don’t think she’s being gun ho.

when he was little we went to a psychologist because his teacher recommended it as he’d said on two occasions that he “didn’t want to be here” as in didn’t want to be alive and they asked him straight out did he want to kill himself and how would he do it - they said to find out if this is what he really meant and I wonder if this therapist is doing the same, calling his bluff? I guess allowing him a safe space to explore how he actually feels or if it is just a fantasy…..

I just feel so lost at the moment

Ask him if you can look at his phone and say you want to look at the girl A / girl B thing. Say you're not comfortable with secrets. But before you do that, check this guidance out https://genspect.org/guidance-for-parents/
Good luck with everything

Thanks @Tiredskin but thread moved on substantially a while ago, but I appreciate the support

we now do a walk every other Monday to discuss. He said he’s surprised he hasn’t had more questions, I’ve suggested if there are things he wants to talk about maybe he brings it up. I’m really struggling with it at the moment. He doesn’t seem to have actual answers - like I asked him how and why he knows he is trans and he can only say he used to pretend to be female characters when he was younger in games (role play and video games) and that he just wants to be female. I did say I’m struggling to talk about it because I have read everything online too and I know there will be people out there who will make him misconstrue anything I say in order to isolate him from the family and accuse us of being transphobic. I don’t want anything I say to be misunderstood.
I’m just quite down and worried about him at the moment

Sorry I haven’t read the entire thread, just your op and update. Have you read Dr. Helen Joyce’s book? I can’t remember the exact figure but c.90% of trans kids revert back by the time they are adults. I wouldn’t focus on trans element with him. From what you say I think it is a symptom of not feeling right in himself which is perfectly normal as a teen.

@Nousernamesleftatall no I’ve not heard of her, I’ll check it out, thankyou

seriously? He is 13! parents have every right to look at messages...the named person in the messages could be a 40 year old man behind a computer for all we know. just because it says it's girl A doesn't mean it is!
We don't need to lose our kids trust but we MUST keep them safe.

I don't think you should underestimate this @AreTheyOrArentThey . A lot of kids are indoctrinated by their online content. i hope you are keeping an eye on this aspect of it all. Best of luck, you sound like a loving parent xxx

Thankyou @Tiredskin we keep as close an eye as we can. We check his phone and laptop, he’s not allowed any tech in his room at all, I actually think while he was looking at stuff online last summer he isn’t really anymore but I can never truly know for sure. He is in a lot of activities particularly in the evening which keeps him offline….

Hi, I hope you can help me with something please. My son is 11 and in the last year of primary school. He has always been feminine in his ways and only hangs around with girls at school. He has recently been asked by various children in his year group whether he is gay. The school have dealt with this now as it was obviously confusing and bothering him.

He has now told me that he thinks he possibly is gay but doesn’t want to gay. It’s like he is so scared :-( I have told him that it’s perfectly fine if he is gay and me and his dad will support him whatever he chooses to be.

He then told me today that he would rather be a girl as he doesn’t like his private parts and in his words boys like to tease each other about their private parts and it makes him feel really uncomfortable. He also said he wants to be a girl so that he doesn’t have to be gay.

I would really appreciate your advice please.