Binding

[hartof]

My DD who is currently 14, told us in June 2020 she thought she was transgender. She had always been a "tomboy" we let her dress how she wanted. At the time I said nothing needed ti change as she can make herself look however she wants but we would t change anything hormonally until she was older.

She has never asked us to call her by another name, or refer to her as they or him.
She had her hair cut short later that year and last year we found a great barber who takes it shorter and makes her look amazing.

On Sunday she sent me a link to a binding bra, I don't know if I should say yes or no. I have no idea how it will affect her, but at this point I'm sure it's not a phase and this is how she sees herself. Any advice is dearly received.

( she/we have had no counselling she gets uncomfortable when I ask her questions ie when people have referred to her as male I asked if it bothers her and she won't answer me)

Id be concerned that this is typical old style growing up angst, that now, for young people seems to make them think they are transgender, cos I don't see all the women in their 30/40/50/60 etc, suddenly saying 'oh I'm trans' so I would try and desist, find some balanced info, some that would included finding detransitioners stories too. Gods luck OP, seems a challenging time to grow up at the moment. Binders could lead to a double mastectomy and a life time of drugs, great for big pharma, but not really great for the kind of teenage angst that we all had and mostly grow out of. if id been a teenager now, I might well have thoughts I was trans.

@Iambecomethequeen

Being trans isn't reversible. It isn't a choice. These myths actively kill people.

Well the post directly above you seems to suggest otherwise, young girl age 12 thought she was trans and at 16 didn't anymore, and we can probably assume she grow up to be a healthy adult women. Some, young people will have severe gender dysphoria, and they won't grow out of it, they need to be supported, most are young children who will grow out of it. The narrative that not affirming etc. will result in harm, is incredibly harmful in itself.

@Kanaloa

If she isn’t comfortable talking about it and won’t even speak to you/answer questions or consider counselling then I’d wonder about why she is doing this. Teaching her to vocalise and explore her feelings is more supportive than just paying for things she texts you a link to.

I would actually sit down and speak to her, and explain that you think it’s time for her to speak to someone and explore her feelings because she needs support with them if she’s going to start trying to make changes to her body.

I do want her to speak to a counsellor now, I will admit I've struggled to get my head around this and have buried my head in the sand with it. But I've realised it's not going away and maybe some help is needed. However, DH doesn't think any changes should take place until she leaves school (currently year 9). So I need to talk to Him about this, but he's having his own mental health issues at the moment and I'm not sure he could handle this conversation right now.

But I have my child's best interests at heart and I will make sure we sort this out.

I'll look at sports bras. Thank you to those who said I sound supportive and it's good she can talk to me, I try my best whilst also getting my head around this. And thanks to those who've given good advice.

I didn't expect the rest and I'm not going to read anymore.

This is just my experience, I know all situations are unique so it's not easy to give advice, but maybe you will find something helpful. I wish you well navigating these waters...

My 14 year old daughter asked me to buy her a chest binder a couple of months ago. It was a complete surprise... I thought she was talking about a folder to put her school work in when she asked for a 'binder'! I refused, explaining my reasons for why I thought it was inappropriate for her age. She told me several of her friends had them and the binders from this particular transgender website were safe.

She took it in her stride and didn't seem upset about it so I never mentioned it after that. She didn't ask again, but a couple of weeks later I noticed she was wearing a chest binder as I could see the material poking out the top of her sweatshirt. To cut a long story short, her best friend's mother had taken it upon herself to suddenly acquire a medical degree and affirm my daughter as transgender and ordered her the chest binder!!! (BTW the consensus on so many websites I accessed when researching chest binders was just exactly this kind of advice - "how to go behind your snooping parent's backs") Because, of course, that's all we parents are.. a big bunch of snoops with our own agendas. God forbid we would ever have our kids best interests at heart!

Since we had not been communicating at all well verbally that weekend, I sent my daughter an email expressing why her father and I were worried and did not feel we could support the use of the chest binder. She sent me an email back with some really valid points also. We then sat in the garden and had a really good chat about the points we both raised, about puberty, body image and the health implications of chest binding - she told me during this time that she ordered a bigger size so that the health issues were not a concern... which puzzled me a little bit in that the purpose of the chest binder is to compress. I suggested sports bras as a safer and more convenient alternative and a few days later she was happy to come shopping with me to try some out to see if they would give her the look she desired - she chose 3.

She has seemed pretty happy since. Last week she was on spring break at a house with a pool and enjoyed herself swimming and hanging out in the hot tub everyday with a variety of family and friends visiting, and she appeared completely comfortable wearing just her shorts and new sports bras.

We didn't take the chest binder away from her, though I haven't seen it again... though maybe she is wearing it occasionally.

@Charley50

This makes me so sad. My breasts were such an erogenous zone when I was a teen and in my early twenties (not so much now). All these teen girls denting themselves pleasure and causing damage and harm instead.

I’m sorry. This is really, really creepy. I don’t like the idea of sexualizing teens bodies, especially when they feel uncomfortable with them. When I was OP’s daughter’s age, I also had issues with my breasts and the idea of touching them gave me severe panic attacks. If I learned that someone (even a stranger on the internet) was outright sexualizing them and saying I should enjoy them for masturbatory pleasure, it would have made my issues with them so, so much worse. This honestly reeks of grooming.

@luci378 - how was what I wrote 'grooming?' I was sharing my experience as a teen and in my early twenties, with other adults on this site, to make the point that teens/ young women choosing mastectomies are denying themselves sexual pleasure going into adulthood. Sorry to hear that you had issues with your body, but that isn't everyone's experience.

Personally I find it tragic and grooming that teens are being encouraged to hate their bodies so much that they bind their breasts and get mastectomies.

[quote Charley50]@luci378 - how was what I wrote 'grooming?' I was sharing my experience as a teen and in my early twenties, with other adults on this site, to make the point that teens/ young women choosing mastectomies are denying themselves sexual pleasure going into adulthood. Sorry to hear that you had issues with your body, but that isn't everyone's experience.

Personally I find it tragic and grooming that teens are being encouraged to hate their bodies so much that they bind their breasts and get mastectomies.[/quote]
You’re right, it’s not grooming. That was my mistake. Sexualizing young girls bodies is still incredibly disgusting however. I was able to reach comfort with my chest by getting a mastectomy and if absolutely improved my life. I know longer want to die if my shirt so much as grazes my chest wrong. Denying a girl like me this freedom because “what about good sexy feelings” is gross.

@luci378 - did you explore the causes of your extreme hatred of parts of your body with a therapist, before you made the decision to have a mastectomy? I hope you were given the opportunity to do that.

[quote Charley50]@luci378 - did you explore the causes of your extreme hatred of parts of your body with a therapist, before you made the decision to have a mastectomy? I hope you were given the opportunity to do that.
[/quote]
Lol, they were unhappy with their chest, changed it, now they're happy.
How you try to twist that into a narrative about people making hasty decisions is so funny. "I hope you were given the opportunity to do that", as if it wasn't a very common thing, as if most people with gender dysphoria (or other body issues) never saw a therapist!
It's almost sad how even the best experiences with medical procedures have to be used to fearmonger.