OK so 15 year old son just came out as trans to me what now?

[Judgejudyandexecutioner]

I found 3 skirts in my sons room when tidying. So I asked him about them. He told me he bought them for himself and he thinks he is trans. He doesn't want his brothers to know or people at his school.

He is still in the unsure phase and wants to stay using the he pronoun and be called by his current name.

I told him that his dad and I love him and that he can be what he wants.

I said that his brothers may need to know because he should at least be able to he himself at home.

Not really sure what to do from here feel a bit lost tbh.

I think you've handled it well. If he wants to wear the skirts and experiment with his look, home is the best place to do that.

Tell him you love him and so do his brothers and dad. You'll always love him however he chooses to dress or present himself, but that clothes, sexual preference and interests have nothing to do with his sex. He is male and always will be but is free to present himself any way he likes. Good luck.

And don't go near The Tavistock at all costs.

Sounds like you have done a great job. It's great your son feels able to talk to you.

Well he can't "be what he wants" because it's not possible for humans to change sex. But he can certainly be a male who presents in a stereotypically feminine way. Being brave enough to step outside of societal gender norms and be a boy who wears whatever he wants, has whatever hobbies he wants, does whatever job he wants - that is very progressive and to be commended!

Mumsnet may not be the best place to ask for advice on this OP, so many transphobic people here. It is possible to change your gender identity and people can do so as they please.

OP, you've handled it brilliantly. Your DS knows you love him and that you're there for him and that's most important.

"gender identity" is simply the extent to which you conform to gender stereotypes. It has no basis in material reality. It's not transphobic to acknowledge facts and reject harmful stereotypes.

*Mumsnet may not be the best place to ask for advice on this OP, so many transphobic people here. It is possible to change your gender identity and people can do so as they please.

OP, you've handled it brilliantly. Your DS knows you love him and that you're there for him and that's most important.*

This.

See if you can do some research online and find support from a group that will be more accepting. MN has so many transphobic posters that they have moderators that have to go through the posts to delete all the transphobic comments.

Thinking of you and your son.

@Blankspace101

*Mumsnet may not be the best place to ask for advice on this OP, so many transphobic people here. It is possible to change your gender identity and people can do so as they please.

OP, you've handled it brilliantly. Your DS knows you love him and that you're there for him and that's most important.*

This.

See if you can do some research online and find support from a group that will be more accepting. MN has so many transphobic posters that they have moderators that have to go through the posts to delete all the transphobic comments.

Thinking of you and your son.

🤣🤣🤣

OP, Have you thought to tell him that boys are actually allowed to wear skirts, and that the wearing of a skirt does not a woman make?

Mumsnet doesn't have transphobic posters. Mumsnet has gender critical posters, many of them with their own life experiences of being LGB and even T but disagreeing with gender ideology.

I wouldn't rush to tell his brothers. Give him time to work out what he wants and who he is. No need to add on pressure.

Given that it is 2021 I believe people should be able to be who they want to be, and saying that you cannot change your gender is transphobic. It is as simple as that.

Being supportive is the best way, and the OPs son will figure himself out in time - that is if he is not dismissed with harmful comments like "you can't change who you are"

if he is not dismissed with harmful comments like "you can't change who you are"

Factually, and biologically, he can't change sex.

As PPs have said, he can of course choose how he presents in terms of clothing & looks. That doesn't stop him being male.

OP can support him to feel comfortable with this.

Don't tell him he can be a girl but tell him you accept him whatever he wants to wear or call himself. You do need to hold the line that he's a feminine boy not a girl though.

My nearly 15yo came out to me as trans a few weeks ago. https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lgbt_children/4257616-What-to-do-about-cross-dressing-DS-now-identifies-as-trans-title-edited-by-MNHQ-at-OPs-request They don't want to come out at school or at home yet although a few close friends and one older brother know so we're keeping name and pronouns the same for now. What they really wanted was to get some "girl's" clothes so I've bought some clothes and underwear to help deal with the gender dysphoria. I'm just taking one day at a time and letting my child decide when to move things forward.

The best thing to do would be so search facebook (if you use it) for a mtf trans support group (preferably a UK one). You might want to search using 'transfemme' or 'transfeminine' if mtf doesn't work.

There's some fantastic groups for asking questions. And nobody pushes you one way or another, they're very supportive and open.

Mumsnet just isn't the place to receive balances advice. Where as those in the trans community are actually super supportive and due to permanent changes down the line being so final, they're honest about it and there's no pressure, if people are doubting then they're supported to take time because there's no rush.

It could be hormones, it could be related to sexual attraction, or he could be trans. Giving him the time and space and love and support to work himself out is all that matters right now :)

Given that it is 2021 I believe people should be able to be who they want to be, and saying that you cannot change your gender is transphobic. It is as simple as that.

Even in 2021, reality is reality. Sex is not gender. People can conform to whichever gender stereotypes they like (or not) but this has no bearing on their biological sex. To say otherwise is to believe that wearing dresses, liking pink and having long hair makes you a woman, and playing football and shaving your head makes you a man. Very 2021

@GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine

Given that it is 2021 I believe people should be able to be who they want to be, and saying that you cannot change your gender is transphobic. It is as simple as that.

Being supportive is the best way, and the OPs son will figure himself out in time - that is if he is not dismissed with harmful comments like "you can't change who you are"

You can be a boy who identifies as trans of course - identity is a personal opinion that can't be 'wrong' However you can't be a boy who becomes a girl. In 2021 or 3021 or any time.

People can identify as whoever they like and that is the point I am trying to make. They should be accepted for that identity.

You've done the right thing op.

Your son doesn't wish to change anything at the moment, and is happy experimenting with clothes etc by himself.

Take things at his pace and just leave the lines of communication open.

Maybe some counselling to help explore his feelings would help, I got a counseller for my child and it really helped a lot.

MNHQ have said they don't allow the derailing of threads on this board as its for support, some posters would do well to remember that while they are falling over themselves to state their opinion, yet again, rather than offer support.

I think you’ve handled this well OP, worth reminding him know that wearing different clothes can just be a creative expression and doesn’t have to necessarily mean any more, and he doesn’t need to make any big decisions in any timescales.

Have a look at Bayswater Support Group, bayswatersupport.org.uk/
and keep up the positive communication. Watchful waiting is the compassionate and safe way for your son to explore his feelings without signing himself up to an identity that he may wish to change later.
Be careful if internet ‘trans femme’ searches as they can be rabbit holes into some extreme stuff.
Keep talking, keep listening, and remember he’s just a kid and may evolve through all kinds of things before landing as your lovely grown up child.

@GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine

Given that it is 2021 I believe people should be able to be who they want to be, and saying that you cannot change your gender is transphobic. It is as simple as that.

Being supportive is the best way, and the OPs son will figure himself out in time - that is if he is not dismissed with harmful comments like "you can't change who you are"

No one is saying ‘people can’t change gender’. By claiming this, you are simply trying to perpetuate the fantasy that there are transphobes everywhere on mn. The op is looking for support, not scaremongering nonsense.

Hello, all. We've had a couple of reports about derailing on this thread. Do keep in mind that Mumsnet is here to support parents, and please post with that in mind.
Thanks, all.