OK so 15 year old son just came out as trans to me what now?

[Judgejudyandexecutioner]

I found 3 skirts in my sons room when tidying. So I asked him about them. He told me he bought them for himself and he thinks he is trans. He doesn't want his brothers to know or people at his school.

He is still in the unsure phase and wants to stay using the he pronoun and be called by his current name.

I told him that his dad and I love him and that he can be what he wants.

I said that his brothers may need to know because he should at least be able to he himself at home.

Not really sure what to do from here feel a bit lost tbh.

The most important thing to do when your child comes out as trans is to be supportive. I have a 15 year old trans son (he is ftm), and being supportive of his new name and pronouns has made him feel much better about himself

@singlemom832 I agree with being supportive, but there are still deferent ways of doing that. I'm not convinced that agreeing to social transition (which is what a name and pronoun change is) is best in the long term. Given that will cement the belief which may lead to irreversible changes.
There is immense pressure from our kids to do this, and they're over the moon when we do. But looking long rather than short term I'm really not sure.

@InspectorHastings I agree that socially transitioning might not be good to start doing right away. I do think it would be best for your son (or whatever they identify as right now), to be called the right pronouns and name by your close family. There have been studies on trans youth and what so called "misgendering" does to them. www.childtrends.org/blog/research-shows-the-risk-of-misgendering-transgender-youth
I get that it can be hard for you having to go through this with your child but supporting them by calling them the right pronouns is definently the best thing you can do for them. I'd also suggest trying to find a gender specialist for them to talk to, which can help them figure out their identity and if they are sure about all of this.

@singlemom832 OP's son has asked to continue to be called by a male name and pronoun, so you're jumping the gun suggesting it's changed. Unless you meant my child? As I hadn't referred to my personal circumstances.

I also think the damage done by misgenderimg has a lot to do with the hype around it... kids are constantly told that if they are misgendered it's massively hurtful and damaging, and lo and behold it is.
I suspect if we all said that this was no big deal... it wouldn't be.

@inspectorhastings I'm so sorry i confused this discussion with another discussion in which the child did want to be adressed differently
I don't really agree with what you said about there being a "hype" around being transgender. I completely get it when a trans child doesn't like being called their old name and pronouns. It's another reminder to them that they are transgender, and for most kids including my son, it is very hard to deal with those reminders. Most trans kids wish to be born as the sex they identify with, so misgendering them hurts them a lot.

@GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine

People can identify as whoever they like and that is the point I am trying to make. They should be accepted for that identity.

So can a white person identify as black?

@abitofadvice1234

Well the first thing that you should probably do is celebrate!

Though your child is still unsure, they obviously feel comfortable enough to tell you about something like this. It’s a mark of good parenting and a loving home.

At this stage it’s pretty simple. Call them by their preferred pronouns, be supportive of their choices, and treat them like you would treat as you would treat any other daughter/son you would have.

If your child does end up being trans, then it means she’ll be getting the correct treatment from an early age, and with a supportive home, will basically live out her life no different than anyone else (though transphobia will always be somewhat of an issue). However, as she is only 15, if a medical transition is pursued there is a very high likelihood of her “passing,” as early transitioners are much less affected by testosterone/male puberty.

She will probably need some help from her mom on clothing choices/makeup (and might be a bit embarrassed/resistant like most other girls). Everyone has seen pictures of Trans women in some... questionable outfits. Usually this is because they didn’t have anyone to teach them (home rejection), and went on the internet to learn from influencers with questionable advice. You can avoid that pretty easily.

Good luck! And I hope it all goes well.

Do you advocate for children to embark on a course of ‘treatment’ that will have a lifelong, irreversible impact? At 15, he will most likely have already entered puberty. In England, puberty blockers are not available for anyone under 16, and rarely for those under 18. For good reason.

Oh threads like this make me laugh so much.

OP, MN is definitely not the place to ask this question. Unfortunately, some views on here are very bizarre

You sound like you are handling this just fine.

So pleased he was able to open up to you, what a relief that must have been for him.
I would have loved this kind of support.

Getting him some clothes to wear around the house will be a safe way to let him explore his feelings while making it easy for him to step back if he feels he want to.
Shopping is also a great ice breaker, there may be some embarrassment on both sides at first but he will really appreciate your help.

Summer coming up so a great opportunity for him to spend a bit of time exploring this.

Definitely watch and wait as far as anything else goes though.

She will probably need some help from her mom on clothing choices/makeup (and might be a bit embarrassed/resistant like most other girls). Everyone has seen pictures of Trans women in some... questionable outfits. Usually this is because they didn’t have anyone to teach them (home rejection), and went on the internet to learn from influencers with questionable advice. You can avoid that pretty easily.

abitofadvice1234 The OP is very clear that her son has asked to keep his male name and pronouns, so it's pretty disrespectful to repeatedly call him by feminine ones if you think pronouns are important.

All the things I was embarrassed/resistant of my mother's "help" with my appearance were things I dropped once I wasn't living with her. Girls don't have to wear make-up, boys can wear it if they want, and there are many YouTube tutorials out there for either and both.

Having been an LGBTQ+ support organizer who has helped in regards to clothes for trans women and gay/bi femboys, most of them are absolutely fine as they pick what women they know wear and often just asked about sizing and where locally would be safe & want someone to say it's okay. I have a DS who does femboy stuff from time to time and other than he now has a couple of my old shirts (which were actually men's shirts to start with but are in feminine colours - like one is rainbow plaid for when he's feeling even less subtle about himself), he really doesn't need or want my help on this beyond an occasional talking place. I don't think there is a need for a mother to get involved beyond what the child discusses, definitely no need to jump to fashion advice or shopping unless asked.

The ones I've dealt with that have the 'questionable outfits' so often seen online -- the issue isn't they're getting ideas online - there are plenty of images of normal women's clothes everywhere - it's more that they're picking clothes based on sexualized images. I actually had to stop doing online chat support because of that, I was sent porn images as 'outfit ideas' and eventually it broke me. All of those were well into their twenties if not older, so I don't think this is a big teen issue for the OP to be worried about. I still caution checking online for anything dodgy, but a few skirts doesn't say anything alarming along these lines to me - it's normal to play with personal expression.

Stonewall: cut off his penis and give him hormones to produce fake breasts

Everyone else: why encourage him to be bullied - everyone knows it is impossible to change sex

I'm sure I will get banned for this but if it was my kid I would probably move, move him to another school... Maybe even move to another country. Whatever I had to do. I would sacrifice my own happiness and financial position for a few years to get him out of that toxic situation and remove him from whatever is influencing this.

Anyway... I will now await my ban.

Eeeee there are some nutcrackers on this thread

@JessicaYardley What? Are u just denying that being trans as a whole is a thing that doesn't exist? You know there has been done research to back up that being trans is a real thing right?

@Shelddd Maybe start caring about your children more than about your own feelings, this seems like a problem on your end. If your child would come out as trans the most important thing is to support them in whatever they feel is right. Moving away isn't going to help a trans child, it'll ruin their life and make them feel even worse about themselves. There is a very high suicide rate among trans kids that aren't accepted by their family, especially their parents.

@bitheby

Mumsnet doesn't have transphobic posters. Mumsnet has gender critical posters, many of them with their own life experiences of being LGB and even T but disagreeing with gender ideology.

I wouldn't rush to tell his brothers. Give him time to work out what he wants and who he is. No need to add on pressure.

I agree there are some very wise gender critical posters here who do have well balanced advice to offer, as you say often from personal experience.
Of course they care and are concerned for any child.

Sadly though there is a transphobic element on these boards.
I have personally seen a young mum driven off of these boards for daring to ask for advice and affirming her mtf child, despite the facts showing that her child is very likely trans.

[quote singlemom832]@Shelddd Maybe start caring about your children more than about your own feelings, this seems like a problem on your end. If your child would come out as trans the most important thing is to support them in whatever they feel is right. Moving away isn't going to help a trans child, it'll ruin their life and make them feel even worse about themselves. There is a very high suicide rate among trans kids that aren't accepted by their family, especially their parents.[/quote]
Spouting rubbish such as suicide rates amongst children who believe they may be trans is at best untrue, at worst downright dangerous. There is absolutely no evidence to back up this claim, but there is evidence that 80% children who are supported with watchful waiting turn out to be gay or lesbian, and not actually trans.

@Soontobe60
You're just embarrassing yourself at this point. There is evidence, there have been multiple studies on trans kids, most of which were done in the USA (so it might be different in the UK), but those are still valid studies with valid results.
pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/142/4/e20174218?sso=1&sso_redirect_count=1&nfstatus=401&nftoken=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000&nfstatusdescription=ERROR%3A%20No%20local%20token

And the amount of people who detransition or realize they aren't trans isn't 80%.
"Detransition is more common in the earlier stages of transition, particularly before surgeries. It is estimated that the number of detransitioners ranges from less than one percent to as many as five percent. A 2015 survey of transgender people in the United States found that eight percent had detransitioned at some point, with the majority of those later living as a gender other than the one assigned to them at birth."
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Detransition

Kids at school (teenagers) tell me that it's the 'new' thing to do/be. Back in my day (albeit a long time ago) it was goths and rockers etc. Pre internet, pre the whole 'this is how you have to look to get on in life ' etc that sadly all teens are subjected to. There is no goth corner now in the playgrounds. Being lesbian/gay/bi/trans is the 'thing to do' (that's their words I might add, the teenagers I teach)

Your son can be or do whatever he wants. But he is a child. I don't understand why adults (and yes, I"m looking at all of you on here) push 'trans' onto children who frankly are confused as hell and don't know what on earth they feel or are.

You've handled it the right way OP. Just let him me himself and find his way in the world. He can still wear whatever clothes he wants.

Please ignore the derailers op. And whether your son is trans or not, please don’t take the people who say trans doesn’t exist as representative of gender critical. That is absolutely transphobic. Trans exists, but many young people who consider transitioning are not trans.

If your child said at 15 they wanted to leave school and become a Wimbledon champion, having only ever been moderately sporty, but finding school particularly stressful....would you
A) enrol them in a top tennis academy and spend loads of time and money training them and driving them to tournaments
B) ask them why they didn't feel happy at school and have a chat about their hopes and dreams in general, and leaving the door open on the tennis "enthusiasm" but very much appreciate it might be one of many "masks" or proposed "solutions" to general discomfort. Tell story about your own dream to be a deep-sea diver at that age and run your own aquarium with tame dolphins

C) scream at them that they are crap at tennis

The OP needs to make a space to listen rather rush in to guide or transition. I am gender critical

Gender DYSPHORIA exists. We don't know that "trans" exists , except in that context. We don't even know if transitioning is the solution to gender dysphoria