OK so 15 year old son just came out as trans to me what now?

[Judgejudyandexecutioner]

I found 3 skirts in my sons room when tidying. So I asked him about them. He told me he bought them for himself and he thinks he is trans. He doesn't want his brothers to know or people at his school.

He is still in the unsure phase and wants to stay using the he pronoun and be called by his current name.

I told him that his dad and I love him and that he can be what he wants.

I said that his brothers may need to know because he should at least be able to he himself at home.

Not really sure what to do from here feel a bit lost tbh.

You have handled it well, I would reassure him it's possible to be a male but like wearing women's clothing, not all men feel masculine plus some people are flexible and feel different on different days!

You've handled this brilliantly op!
Go at his pace.
It's great he's been able to open up to you about this.
He knows he's loved and that's the main thing.

I think you have handled it well. Chat very casually about it with him. Is it the style he likes? Or does he like the whole feeling of becoming more feminine? DS who is decidedly not trans or gay but is fashion-obsessed wears skirts quite often. He just thinks men should be allowed to wear skirts and they are much cooler in summer.

Yeah I'd just reiterate what's said about. Preferring feminine clothing doesn't mean he had to present himself as trans. Men can wear skirts too. I genuinely believe at this age they don't grasp the real concept of what it means to be the opposite gender. I'm all for clothing being for everyone but that doesn't mean he has to decide he wants to be a woman.

Above* not about

IWantT0BreakFree please stop derailing the thread. Your opinion isn't more important than op getting support.

You may wish to look at their 19.16 post which talked about my 'ideology'.

I won't be engaging further as MNHQ have asked for the thread not to be further derailed.

Excellent news that he doesn't want to socially transition. Support him at home and he'll probably grow out of it - 80% of teenagers with gender dysphoria do, most turn out to be gay.

There are lots of other cultures who seem to have a sensible attitude about skirt wearing for blokes.

What is a kilt? I went out with someone years ago (man) who wore a sarong when it was hot.

Lots of variations of skirts/dresses elsewhere especially in hotter countries.

I'd also say you handled it well. Wanting to wear skirts doesn't make you female. It means that you like skirts. Remember David Beckham in his sarong?

I feel for kids nowadays, they are so under pressure to label their feelings.
I wouldn't do anything but let him experiment with clothes.
If there are no significant signs of mental distress, I would stay away from all suppprt groups for now. There is an amazing amount of grooming online trying to get kids to ignore their boundaries, trans and non trans.

I do think you handled this largely well, but your phrasing that his brothers may need to know - I'm wary this could push an unsure child to make a declaration publically that he's not ready for and may not really be him, and I'd suggest if said in that way to privately clarify that with him that he doesn't need to tell anyone else to be himself.

His unsureness may not be a phase, he hasn't actually come out - he has a few skirts and thinks he might be trans. Maybe that framework will fit him best - he'll need to have discuss with a non-judgemental therapist who can see whether he has gender dysphoria and then how to handle that (not all dysphoric people transition or identify as trans), but that can wait if there is no sign of distress.

Maybe trans is just the closest concept to how he's feeling and would feel better with a broader range of options - some others have been mentioned with male role models who've worn feminine clothes or the rise in FemBoys in certain online spaces (which I would double check - sadly there are also spaces where boys with an interest in feminine clothes are targetted by groomers).

Maybe it's just a bit of experimenting for now and will pass with a bit of time and understanding that it's perfectly normal to play around with social roles as a teenager to figure things out. He doesn't have to attach his sense of self to this, as popular as that is now.

There is nothing to tell his brothers at this point and, more important, he's just as much himself no matter what he tells other people or if he chooses to present one way with some people and another way with others. The wide social message that people are only themselves if everyone else knows their sexuality or how they view their identity is frankly horseshit. Some individuals do like it all out there, but just as fine are those who are private and careful with information. I don't think children should be given the message that they will be less themselves if others aren't told, it's an impulsive age and I think with teenagers in this day and age, cautioning on controlling personal information has benefits.

With how things are today, I also thinks its important if it comes up again to try to clarify what he means by trans and how feels it might apply. There is a wide range of definitions out there now, and it's good to be on the same page even when that page may change at times and generally having an attitude that it's possible, but nothing needs to be set in stone yet.

I think you did really well. I have a DC of a similar age who isnt sure if they are gay (ie attracted to the same sex) or not. I've told them to focus on good friendships for now - so what does a healthy friendship look like. And to concentrate on that - how can anyone have a good relationship, if they dont understand what it takes to make it healthy and strong. But I dont mind if they explore and decide to be gay, bi, hetero etc if that is what they want to be.

But regarding some of the comments above about Mumsnet posters being transphobic. Yes many of us dont accept the current narrative that you can change sex,; you can't. Yes adults can change their legal gender through a rigorous process. But we are not transphobic for questioning this. It is what a I call a fake insult - like calling someone racist or homophobic. It's a shit sticks insult. Fake to its core.

OP, Have you thought to tell him that boys are actually allowed to wear skirts, and that the wearing of a skirt does not a woman make?

This.

You have done the right thing op. Just let him know he is loved and supported 💛

It may be he is trans, or non-binary, or just likes feminine style. Maybe he is gay, bi, or straight. Maybe he'll become a fablous drag queen! Or maybe it will be a phase which will pass. He needs space and time to work out the best way for him.

You've been clear you support him I think that is all you need to do for now. Just go with it. I believe a relaxed and supportive approach is best if he feels able to explore his gender identity and/or sexuality he is less likely to panic and rush any big decisions about it.

Well the first thing that you should probably do is celebrate!

Though your child is still unsure, they obviously feel comfortable enough to tell you about something like this. It’s a mark of good parenting and a loving home.

At this stage it’s pretty simple. Call them by their preferred pronouns, be supportive of their choices, and treat them like you would treat as you would treat any other daughter/son you would have.

If your child does end up being trans, then it means she’ll be getting the correct treatment from an early age, and with a supportive home, will basically live out her life no different than anyone else (though transphobia will always be somewhat of an issue). However, as she is only 15, if a medical transition is pursued there is a very high likelihood of her “passing,” as early transitioners are much less affected by testosterone/male puberty.

She will probably need some help from her mom on clothing choices/makeup (and might be a bit embarrassed/resistant like most other girls). Everyone has seen pictures of Trans women in some... questionable outfits. Usually this is because they didn’t have anyone to teach them (home rejection), and went on the internet to learn from influencers with questionable advice. You can avoid that pretty easily.

Good luck! And I hope it all goes well.

I'm strongly gender critical so would be one of those "transphobes" that you hear about on Mumsnet. But I - and all of the women I know who share my views - would all be strongly supportive of you encouraging your son to express himself in the way he chooses. We may not believe that you can change your sex but everyone I know believes that it's fine to express your gender identity in whatever way feels the most natural.

As others have said, this may mean your son adopts a female gender identity. But I think it would definitely be helpful for him to consider the fact it doesn't have to be a binary choice. Skirts don't have to equal female gender. There are lots of men who experiment with feminine looks and styles to express different elements of their personality - look at Harry Styles for example. Dresses, skirts, handbags, heels, makeup, nail varnish etc have all been worn by men for decades.

That might give your DS some breathing space so he doesn't feel forced into picking a label, and he can just experiment with his identity in the privacy of his own home without having to declare himself as trans. I mean, he might be trans, but equally he may just be searching for a more diverse expression of his gender identity.

Gentle support and open conversation with no judgement is the way forward.

Good luck OP, I hope things work out well for him whatever he decides.

You sound very supportive OP.
He sounds quite tentative so I wouldn't tell his brothers until he is ready.

What on earth is a 'female gender identity' (that isn't just sexist stereotypes?)

OP it sounds like you have handled it well so far - I hope that your son continues to feel that he can express himself in whatever way he wants.

You’ve handled it perfectly. I agree with id wait on telling his brothers. I’d raise a few different topics in an open way; ‘femininity’ expressed in clothes, grooming and mannerisms, pronouns and thinking of himself as one , the other or neither, and sexual orientation. I have a straight brother who has worn us fair share of skirts and women’s clothes, he’s not remotely trans - there’s a whole spectrum of identity and he should be able to choose what feels like home for him, and understand he is who he is and you love him for it, and no judgement from society can change either of those things.

Also gc here, recognising people can’t change sex doesn’t at all mean we can’t be supportive of gender identity.

Mumsnet may not be the best place to ask for advice on this OP, so many transphobic people here. It is possible to change your gender identity and people can do so as they please.

You mean women who are realistic?

OP

That sounds like a great start, make sure he knows he can explore and experiment with who he is and that's perfectly normal regardless of whether he is trans or not. That includes wearing skirts and make up.

Please talk to him about getting the right information ie that if he choses to transition with hormones and surgery that the changes will be cosmetic only.

@IWantT0BreakFree please stop trying to turn a support thread into a fight. There are many places you can have an argument, this board isn't one of them.

I won't engage with your, quite frankly, bizarre accusations.