What to do about cross-dressing DS - now identifies as trans? *title edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

[WoIsMe]

My 14-year-old DS has been taking my underwear to wear. I tried to have a conversation with him about it and explained that cross-dressing is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of (as he seemed very upset that I knew what he was doing.) He won’t talk about it at all. I’m not really comfortable with him taking my clothes. Is there anything in particular I can do to support him or get him to open up to me?

I’m going to refer to my trans child as A. because we haven’t started using a new name and pronouns yet since A. isn’t openly out and in particular my younger DCs don’t know yet.

We had a chat yesterday and A. says that wearing a bra helps with the dysphoria even though no-one else can see it because it feels more comfortable and right. So I have been tasked with choosing a bra or training bra. I suggested A. could try wearing silk boxers or some other silky material that might feel more soft and feminine without necessitating wearing women’s underwear and this idea was well received.

Apparently DS1 also had a chat and reports that A. might be genderfluid.

It's great that you are bring supportive.

Silk boxers would not work for me, still male clothes.
Being trans isn't about how nice underwear feels to wear.
You need to keep your DC's wardrobe age appropriate.

If I'm honest this sounds more like a fetish developing?

Thanks Imasoulman, that’s useful feedback about the boxers. I do wonder whether it could be a fetish and identifying as trans seems more socially acceptable to A. than cross-dressing would be. I guess kink is the word for it now though, rather than fetish. The cross-dressing has been going on for at least a couple of years, I had a previous thread on the topic: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lgbt_children/3601118-12-year-old-DS-is-cross-dressing

Either way, it doesn’t make any difference to me, I’m supportive of my child. The current social environment for teenagers is extremely focused on gender identity. I thought it was surprising that three of A’s friendship group all came out as lesbians recently; what are the odds of three close friends all being lesbians? Also, A’s boyfriend is AFAB non-binary trans. So the topic of gender identity is everywhere at the moment for teenagers. My issue is that as a mother it’s very difficult to know what path to follow. I’m happy to buy more feminine clothing and some underwear but I don’t know whether I should be seeking a referral to a gender clinic or looking at some therapy to work through what A. is feeling.

Your dc is going through a tough and confusing time of life, add into the mix their friendship circle and its no surprise that you or even your dc is unsure of their feelings.

From what you have said I would definitely be watching and waiting.

You say that you are getting some clothes together, I think that is a good idea.
Summer holidays would be a great opportunity for your dc to explore their feelings.
Some freedom to present as female at home should give you both a little more insight into what is truly going on.

My ds is a little older but has been cross dressing since he was a toddler, we are still unsure of exactly where he fits under the trans umbrella.

It's strange that your dc doesn't seem to want any say into what you are buying though, maybe there is some embarrassment ?

You should have a look at Matalan they have some pretty bralettes in packs of three for £10 they are useful if like my ds they want to wear something underneath their day to day clothes.
Other than that a heavily padded bra with chicken fillets works to give a little shape under girls clothes.

As I said I don't think you should go any further with this just yet.
Allow your dc the space to explore without to much affirming and see what happens.
Chances are it could all fizzle our over a few months

I said toddler but thats an exaggeration, from around 4 or 5

It may well be a fetish, driven by a trauma such as sexual abuse. Sadly many cross-dressers and trans male-to-female people have this in their backgrounds.
Check he’s OK before helping him down this path.

@IsItAKindofDream I don’t think there’s been any sexual abuse. Obviously a lot of parents might think that when there has been but I really can’t think of any opportunities, e.g. staying with male relatives. Also A. seems happy with life - as much as a teenager can be, of course! A. has a good friendship group, has had a couple of relationships, goes out skateboarding, shopping etc. with friends and seems pretty content with life. I don’t think it’s masking either, A. has always had a happy demeanour. I would never have suspected anything was going on at all if I hadn’t found the clothes.

I’ve bought some more clothes for A. who has been pleased with them all and is wearing them preferentially. A. pretty much lives in t-shirts, joggers and hoodies so there isn’t that much difference between male and female versions of these clothes anyway. We did go to M&S to buy a couple of bras so whether it’s cross-dressing or genuine gender dysphoria, A. has stuff to wear and doesn’t have to steal mine or beg things from friends.

It’s all gone to shit here. I was cleaning my child’s room and stumbled across all kinds of stuff, apparently he’s a Little and doing age regression, the (FTM) “boyfriend” has been grooming my child to self-harm and there’s all this Reddit porn about incest, sissy porn and being a bottom including asking random people to personal message.

I’d suggest on the next trip to Tesco, going to the ladies section and just asking husk if there’s anything he’d liKe to get, they walk off and let him pick what he wants. It’s not ok to take your clothing but if that’s his choice in life he maybe didn’t have any other way to get the clothes he wants.