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12-year-old DS is cross dressing

(42 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

WoIsMe Sat 01-Jun-19 15:03:11

My DS lost his Nintendo 3DS so I went into his bedroom today to try to help him find it. I pulled a plastic storage box off the shelf and he immediately grabbed it to try to stop me from opening it. Inside was a pair of my knickers and one of my bras. I asked him whether he had been wearing them and he said yes. I closed up the box again and told him that cross dressing was normal and nothing to be embarrassed about, and gave him a hug.

What are my next steps? I know next to nothing about cross dressing. He's clearly mortified but I think it's something that we need to talk about. I'm not comfortable with him taking my clothes to wear so I need to set that boundary. I would prefer to buy him his own things that will fit and be comfortable, and to his own taste, rather than him wear my old and well-worn undies! I think I also need to know whether he feels like he wants to wear women's clothes, or just underwear.

Has anyone else been in this situation and could offer some advice?

Manclife1 Sat 01-Jun-19 15:13:43

I’d be having a chat with him first. He may have been experimenting rather than actually wanting to x-dress. Buying him his own stuff might make him feel obligated to wear it.

WoIsMe Sat 01-Jun-19 15:24:35

Thanks Manclife. I will do that. I'm hesitant to offer to buy him clothes because I don't want to drive him towards something that may be a temporary thing. On the other hand I think it's vital he knows he has someone on his side who doesn't think it's anything to be ashamed of, and is supportive of him. He's never shown any gender nonconforming behaviour of any sort in the past - not even asking for a doll or girls' dress up costumes like his brothers have. So I'm guessing puberty is behind this new urge.

multiplemum3 Sat 01-Jun-19 15:27:06

It's good you're supportive but stealing underwear would be a massive boundary for me. Ask him what he wants you to do regarding clothes

Herland Sat 01-Jun-19 15:28:16

It may be the fact that the underwear is yours (or simply not his) that he wanted to experience. Talk to him if he is comfortable or give him the opportunity to talk it through with a neutral person.

BedraggledBlitz Sat 01-Jun-19 15:29:38

To be totally honest I think I would just ignore it and let him explore in his private time. You've told him it's no problem, I think that's all he needs to know. Now he will know he can talk to you if he wants to.

NottonightJosepheen Sat 01-Jun-19 15:34:13

Wearing women's underwear and bras is a sexual fetish associated with AGP men. I think you are crossing a huge boundary (and creating the foundations for future psycho-sexual hangups) if you buy women's underwear for your odd.

Anyway, I just really doubt your motivations in starting thus thread to be honest. It feels weird speaking about the predilections of a twelve year old.

Bluerussian Sat 01-Jun-19 15:37:13

You'd be surprised how many young chaps try on women's clothes for a laugh or to see what it feels like. It doesn't necessarily mean he's a dedicated cross dresser.

Soontobe60 Sat 01-Jun-19 15:39:04

I think you need to tread very carefully here. You're assuming he is wearing your underwear because he might want to be a girl. However, he might be wearing it for a very different reason. Lots of men get a sexual thrill from women's underwear, and this could be the case here too. I'm not sure what to suggest, only you know how open the relationship is between the two of you. Whatever the reason, he's probably mortified that youve found it and may not want to talk about it

WoIsMe Sat 01-Jun-19 15:41:30

Josephine I started this thread because I don't know what to do that's in my DS's best interests. I don't want him to wear my clothes but I don't want to stop him from cross dressing if it's something he wants to experiment with or if it's something he feels he needs to do.

BigusBumus Sat 01-Jun-19 15:45:23

He's 12! Before you dive in labelling him as anything at all, just leave him be. Perhaps he was just curious about ladies things, perhaps it was a more about masterbation than cross dressing. You will be more supportive by letting him get in with growing up.

DontCallMeShitley Sat 01-Jun-19 15:45:53

Let him keep the ones he has taken but tell him not to take any more of your things.

Give him time to work out what he is feeling.

NottonightJosepheen Sat 01-Jun-19 15:46:24

I don't think mothers should discuss the peccadiloes of their children's nascent sexuality. It is boundary blurring and an affront to their children's privacy and dignity.

WoIsMe Sat 01-Jun-19 15:49:25

Well that's why I asked on an anonymous forum rather than asking my mum friends on the school run. I tried looking online before I started this thread but all the information I could find was about trans people.

Atalune Sat 01-Jun-19 15:49:39

Do nothing.

You’ve hugged him. Made it clear it’s not a problem.

Now doing nothing is doing something.

NottonightJosepheen Sat 01-Jun-19 15:51:36

I would say, 'well, it's unfair to take my underwear, darling so I am taking it back. Give me a hug, I love you darling. Let's not discuss this again, you are entitled to privacy too. If you are anxious or worried, please tell me anything. Being a teenager can be a confusing time, you did nothing to be ashamed of and I love you very, very much'. But I wouldn't buy him women's underwear. Christ, no. He could buy his own in time if he wanted, but that is a boundary, I certainly wouldn't cross!

WoIsMe Sat 01-Jun-19 15:54:29

Good to know. Thank you Josepheen.

cantfindname Sat 01-Jun-19 16:01:22

Agree with Josepheen. Say your piece and then leave it unless he brings up the topic himself.

He must be acutely embarrassed and right now will be anxious to say what he thinks are the 'right things' to you so a conversation will not be useful.

Frusty Sat 01-Jun-19 16:04:44

Is cross dressing “normal”? As in something a large number of boys do? I have no idea, though as I have sons it would be good to be prepared!

MenstruatorExtraordinaire Sat 01-Jun-19 16:06:26

Very intrusive IMO. Let the boy have his boundaries and his privacy. I certainly wouldn't be buying him female underwear that fits him.

AnnaMagnani Sat 01-Jun-19 16:08:53

I'd let him have his boundaries but you are also entitled to yours - which involves an explanation that he can't take your underwear to dress up in.

MenstruatorExtraordinaire Sat 01-Jun-19 16:09:41

Frusty I have 3 boys. They've each gone through a cross dressing phase when younger. I don't know that I'd even call it cross dressing. I just looked on it as exploring the world around them. I didn't encourage or discourage or make any kind of deal about it. And each of them in their own time moved on. That's partly why I question this new rush to force or affirm cross gender identities on children.

WoIsMe Sat 01-Jun-19 16:16:30

We're they in puberty at the time Menstruator?

LornaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 01-Jun-19 16:20:33

Hello all

We're getting some reports about this thread, so we're just popping by to let everyone know that the OP has been around for many, many years. We can't vouch for anyone but we don't have any concerns about this at the moment.

Just a quick reminder - please do report concerns to us, rather than air them on the boards.

TopBitchoftheWitches Sat 01-Jun-19 16:22:27

You didn't notice your underwear missing?

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