Read this if your child is questioning their gender

[jakeosaure]

Hey, my name is Jake, I'm a 17 year old trans guy from England. This thread is for the the parents/ family/ friends of someone who has come out as trans as well as for people who just want a better understanding on the topic.

Feel free to leave any questions you have about being transgender, transitioning or anything else you want or need to know. You can also use this as a place to vent about your child's transition, but please be don't try to use it as an excuse to be transphobic.

I haven't come out to my family or college yet so I haven't begun transitioning but I do know quite a bit about different surgeries and HRT options, as well as binding, packing and tucking, so I should be able to answer most questions or at the very least link you to a video which answers it.

Trans peeps, feel free to comment your experiences :)

Please can everyone be kind and respectful, don't spread misinformation or claim that all trans people are pedos or predators (I hear it so much, it's incredibly annoying and inaccurate).

Anyways, ask away ❤

I feel very sorry for the OP. Coming on mumsnet was like walking into the lions den. No wonder they disappeared

OP - what would your reaction be if you were offered counselling for your body dysphoria/dysmorphia, instead of being helped down the trans route?

Would you accept that you could be helped to overcome the feelings you have about your current body, rather than helped to change it?

Many people, male and female absolutely hate their bodies. Even more dislike them. But we don't all go under the knife, or ingest chemicals to try to irreversibly change what we have.

@pinktaxi

I feel very sorry for the OP. Coming on mumsnet was like walking into the lions den. No wonder they disappeared

They were likely just a troll gathering evidence for screenshots of how awful MN is.

Oops maybe should have read further than I did last night if the OP has posted youtube links too.

@controversialquestion Transgender Trend has lots of resources for parents of children who identify as transgender, and links to other sites that you might find useful.

www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/
www.transgendertrend.com/useful-links/

Lily Maynard is a mother who was in a similar position to you a few years ago, but her daughter eventually desisted. She has documented her experience on her blog, as well as on 4th Wave Now, which is another site you might find useful.

lilymaynard.com/
4thwavenow.com/2016/12/17/a-mums-voyage-through-transtopia-helps-her-daughter-desist/

A number of parents of trans-identified children post on the feminist chat section of MN. Nobody on there thinks this is trivial or a joke.

That's like telling someone with depression that their mental disorder is just a trend or telling someone with anxiety to juse stop being anxious

Ridiculous.

Trans affirmation is more like telling an anorexic person it's ok to continue starving themselves because they're right about hating their body and thinking it's fat/disgusting. Of course we know that isn't true but it's a strong feeling in their heads so we should affirm that, right?

I'm also sick of MNers being called transphobic. I neither hate nor fear trans people. I have sympathy for them, it's horrible to hate your own body so much you'd be willing to cut healthy parts off. I don't mean it patronisingly when I say that most need some caring and nurturing psychological help to overcome their self hatred.

But you cannot change sex.

Men should be able to be GNC without thinking a preference for stereotypically female things makes them a woman. The same goes for women. It's the stereotypes for male and female 'things' that are bullshit.

Live how you want to live (within the law and don't harm others) but leave our sex segrated spaces alone.

I don't think they were a troll but I still can't understand what they thought they would achieve by posting on mumsnet.

No I wouldn't have posted that if I'd read up and watched the 5 seconds of the youtube videos first. Hope Jake comes through this safely and happily.

@MilleniumHallsWalledGarden and @Soontobe60 and any others I lashed out at last night, I humbly apologise. You appear to know your stuff. You don't need to know my story but I have a great fear that someone who has absolutely no control over how they feel, over how they ARE, will be vilified and trapped by a society that cannot understand. That said, your arguments were valid and I was just being a sarky cow so I'm sorry.

I know OP's gone, but for anyone else watching, getting out and using your body can really help with all of this - getting strong and fit, recognising it for the wonderful gift a healthy body is. Staying away from the internet and getting into the fresh air and outdoors.

It sounds trite, and silly, but really, just getting out helps.

I know OP's gone, but for anyone else watching, getting out and using your body can really help with all of this - getting strong and fit, recognising it for the wonderful gift a healthy body is. Staying away from the internet and getting into the fresh air and outdoors.

^^couldnt agree more. It's where you live

Whats so bad about being masculine female? Why do you have to pretend youre a man?

Have you had some sort of trauma?

Do you have any other diagnoses?

I hope Jake grows up to be a healthy, mentally stable butch lesbian and realises she has been sold a pup by middle aged men before she destroys her body and turns herself into a life-long patient. I’m so upset for these girls. Their anguish is real but they are imprisoning themselves with ‘gender’ instead of releasing themselves from the confines of it. Fuck gender. Really.

I agree. Gender is so bullshit. Its so ridiculous to expect that all girls and women will feel comfortable with feminine gender performance and vice versa with boys and men and masculinity.
Its so insidious though. All these poor kids who want really drastic surgery at such a young aggee

Hi @jakeosaure thank you for initiating this interesting conversation. May I ask a few questions?

1. Have you been seen at GIDS and, if so, what did you make of their support for you?

1. You are trans and you have gender dysphoria. Has anyone tried to help you manage your dysphoria by means other than going down the hormones and surgeries route?

1. Out of interest as a 17 year old I'm guessing you are now with a GIC, but the waiting lists are very long. Where are you actually in your path towards medical interventions?

1. Numbers of young people being referred to GIDS have exploded in recent years, as I'm sure you know - from dozens per year a decade ago to now 2500 a year. That's very interesting in itself, but what's more interesting perhaps is that the profile of patients has changed fundamentally in two ways. Firstly, it used to be mostly biological boys, now it's biological girls; secondly, many patients now go to GIDS without a clinically-significant early childhood history of identifying as a member of the opposite sex . Instead they've got adolescent-onset dysphoria. I just wondered what you made of these changes? GIDS themselves are surprised because, if we're explaining the rise in referrals by saying that trans identities are more accepted in society, then it would also be likely that patients would approach them younger, but that hasn't happened.

Best wishes

This is the sort of post I find really irritiating:
What's so bad about being masculine female? Why do you have to pretend you're a man?
My DD does not think there is anything wrong with being a masculine female. She is incredibly inclusive. She also isn't "pretending" she's a man. She feels her body is not hers. We may think this is bizarre, but to follow on with the anorexic analogy (which I personally think is a good one), they're not "pretending" they're fat. Like most people I am sure it stems from gender norms within society, but it is certainly not a conscious decision or thought process.

But no one affirms someone with anorexia is fat and should take slimming pills and have liposuction.
Why is affirmation better than Learning to love the body you have, understanding how to keep it healthy, unpicking destructive behaviours, and Addressing the issues that lead to dysphoria?

No - and I don't affirm my daughter. However, I do recognise it is a problem for her and her feelings are real to her, however misguided I think they are. I'm not saying that children who say they are trans should be affirmed - far from it - but am saying that we shouldn't say they are "pretending to be a man" in the same way we wouldn't assume anorexia was a conscious decision.

I really feel for young people today when their entire lives are laid out for permanent record on the internet. There's no way to gracefully bow out, no option to slink off, lick your wounds and realise you were wrong. And no option to quietly leave things in the past, ever.

It's all there with just a single google search.

I'm so sorry you are so conflicted Jake. I worry that you have been/are being used by those you sought help from. And I hope you can find peace within yourself, as yourself, somehow.

@controversialquestion

I hope I didn't come across as believing that the struggle of an eating disorder is "pretending".
I know that people who suffer from that particular illness genuinely believe their body is the way they see it in their minds.

It's the first thing that comes to mind when I try to think of an illness that has a comparable impact.

I do hope your daughter gets some respite from such negative feelings soon and ends up in a place where she can love herself.

@jakeosaure I just want to wish you all the best for the future.

Morning, everyone! The OP actually left quite a few days ago, we're afraid, so we assume they won't be answering any more questions. We're going to close the thread to new posts now just so people aren't posting and waiting for answers any more. Thanks to everyone who took part.