My 15 year old son says he is transgender- I don't believe him.

[starfishsunrise]

Hi

Name changed here.

A few months ago my son (15) was in an intense relationship with his first girlfriend. One day I got an accidental email from an account with a girls first name but the girlfriends surname. I assumed it was a relative of the girlfriend but no...my son used the opportunity to tell me it was his other identity and he wanted to be a girl.
We chatted for a bit and I told him I loved him but hoped it was a phase. He didn’t want to tell anyone else. The only ‘sign’ was he started to grow his hair. Everything carried on as normal. He never wanted to chat about it, didn’t want a GP appointment etc.
The girlfriend has since broken up with him. I was hopeful he could move on
Yesterday he left a letter for us all to read to say he wants to be a girl. My husband and older son have read it. We are ok about it. One of the phrases he used was he was jealous of female bodies.

But here is my issue. I just don’t think he is transgender. In the gap between him telling only me and telling everyone in the family I have read a lot. Nothing I have read about anyone else’s experiences seem remotely similar. He has no mental health issues, ( reading shows me depression or autism etc can feature in gender issues). Seems happy enough but quite private, lots of time on his computer.
My son has never shown any interest in anything traditionally female. He’s not a butch boy by any means, hates sport but then my husband is not a traditional character. No football or beer here! We could be seen as hippies by some. My son likes more traditional male things - machines, computers
( I totally know all things are for both sexes, I’m making generalisations for speed)
He still stands up to pee! I had found some girls underwear in his drawer. I assumed it was the girlfriends.
He also goes to an all boys school. He is in Year 11. His friends are boys and they play video games, watch films, eat pizza. The 6th form is mixed and non uniform. Changing schools not an option as the other girls school does not offer the engineering subjects he is determined to take.
There is a bit of phase in the girls school of transgender. He is friends with a few.

So that’s my brief outline. I wish I had been able to go ‘ oh, it all makes sense now’
I love him, I don’t mind if he’s gay or straight ( he said he still likes girls) I want him to be happy. But how could he hide all these feelings? Wouldn’t we all have had some sort of clue?

Cards on table : I don’t want him to change gender. Be gay, be straight, wear flamboyant clothes but don’t mess with your hormones or chop your body up.

My daughter told me coming up for 3 years she was transgender, always been a Tomboy but I didn’t in any way see it coming. She was heartbroken and scared and had spent years trying to pretend it wasn’t happening but it was. Those of you posting about how it’s a fad, social media generated etc have absolutely no clue whatsoever at how utterly offensive your posts are.

coming she has said that in some it is a fad. Not all.

Might

Hi Starfish,
So lovely that they felt safe enough with you to come out and tell you how they felt. Puberty is an amazing stage of life and lots going on. The main thing is to give them room to explore, don't judge, some kids go on to try socially transitioning, changing names at school etc, and some wait - going up to college can be a time when social transition is experimented with. And don't worry - having a happy child is the aim of all of us as parents. Groups like Allsorts www.allsortsyouth.org.uk/ and Mermaids for Parents www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/resources-for-parents.html can be a great place to dicuss with other parents.

@vickyjgo Mermaids have an appalling reputation.
I think transgender in most cases is some sort of cult. And I am crushed that my SON feels this way.

HI Starfish. I think if you read the posts here you will think that about Mermaids but honestly this inst very real. Trans folk like me do exist and the world health authority has us down as existing. I think it's really important to get past the mumsnet crowd and reach out to a group like Allsorts who are parents of all opinions but who are dealing with kids exploring their gender. Transgender people have existed in every culture all around he world forever. Your child needs your love and support. I love Mumsnet for many things but it has become very much an anti transgender echo chamber :-(

Bit of a straw man there Vicky, no one is suggesting that you don’t exist .

I’m pretty sure the OP knows that her son exists, she’s not questioning his existence , she’s just trying to help him.

Starfish - I know someone whose 17 year old son decided to transition socially in a very low key way.

He changed his name to a unisex name ( like Jamie ). He grew his hair a little longer ( again like many teen boys ) and wears unisex clothes ( jeans and band t shirts ). His family try to use his preferred pronouns but if they slip up he’s ok with it.

This very small amount of social transition seems to have made him much more settled . He’s at college studying art, plays in a band and fits in well with the androgenous styles of kids there.

His parents suspect that he is a gay male and is having trouble accepting this about himself .

He’s seeing a psychologist at a specialist clinic but there’s no talk or hormones or anything like that, just watchful waiting .

I should say that he is NOT like your son in that he’s probably on the autustic spectrum ( not diagnosed) and has MH issues.

I just wanted to reassure you that social transitioning can be very low key and isnt too hard to reverse later , if that’s what he wants. It might be enough to alleviate your son’s distress at this stage.

vickyjgo

It's really hard to know if your child is transgender but it does sound like they want to express their gender as a girl. As a transgender person this is tied in with getting the world to identify you as the gender you identify as and inline with how you see yourself in the mirror. Being this angry does make it sound like some sort of gender dysphoria. My advice would be to allow them to express themselves as they wish - forcing kids into a gender role is really harmful. With time to explore they may well go back to boys clothes who knows. You can always get advice from other parents via Allsorts www.allsortsyouth.org.uk/ who have parents chat groups.

Vicky you have turned up on a pile of old zombie threads today to advertise Allsorts.
Not on. Please let the parents in the LGBT parents section give each other some peer support as they deal with difficult issues.
This isn't the place to advertise.

you have to be supportive of your son, you saying you dont believe him can cause future issues - it can cause iscolation, he is still trying to find himself and you need to be supprotive regardless off what gender he is - you cant change a person. they are who they are. let him know you are there if he needs to speak or if he needs any help knowing the transiton process or any questions he has - in his own head hes probably scared and he was probably more scared and terrified to tell his family - if you was not to support him it would be shattering. 2018/19 is becoming accepting of lgbt its not a issue - please try and see a future outlook.

also ' transgendered is bullshit' can be offensive, you really need to get over yourself if that is your opinion the world has moved on now we are in a place where its accepted - lgbt the t standing for transgendered. its not bullshit its who your child is

Thank god you are here OliversMum2018 to tell me what to think. I'm glad you know my child so well.

Are you a parent of a transgender person or transgender yourself?

My SON has nothing female about him at all. If you read the full thread you will read I love him very much and if I had any thoughts that there was a shred of evidence I may have a different opinion on transgenderism in HIS case.
I'm not lying to him and saying it's ok. I tell him the truth. I love him but I don't believe the transgender stuff for him. I'm not concerned about others. Just him.
You are in a fantasy world if you think it's universally accepted.
He spends every bloody waking hour on the bloody internet. It's a genie I can't get back in the bottle.

He can dress up as a banana if he wants and tell everyone he was born a banana but I will never believe he is an actual banana.

i hardly feel its any off your concern if i am a parent of a transgendered child or not, fact is i would love my child either way. i stopped reading the thread at ' transgendered is bullshit' that was enough for me to stop at, found it pure ignorance. ' fantasy land' its reailty now for our generation, might not off been when you was younger. you should let your son/daughter whatever he chooses to identify himself as come out as what he wants, internet is our generation aswell i just think you need to realise the choice off words off bullshit can be quiet offensive. i would go mad if i was a member off the transgendered commuity and came across you saying its bullshit. but thats my opinion just as you have yours.

I said it's mainly bullshit.

You have nothing relevant to add so why comment?

Elizabeth71 I'm going through the same thing with my son. I'd like to talk with you more about your experience. Is it possible to PM you?

Your son sounds like has become autogynephillic....most likely from watching a lot of internet porn. This might sound crazy...and as a mother it might be hard to hear about your own son but hear me out. He thinks he's a woman because he gets sexually aroused at the thought of himself as a woman. He has probably been imagining himself as the female in the porn videos he masturbates to...he may well have discovered 'sissy porn' - a genre where men cross dress.... and he feels all sexy when he wears women's clothes....he thinks this means hes a woman. This is a fetish though. He is not transgender. Im sorry but like most boys his age these days, he is consuming a lot of porn on the internet. This stuff is seriously affecting the minds of males in many ways. It's strong stuff. He may find it a relief to know what autogynephilia is......or he may strongly refute it out of shame. Some people find it a relief to know about though...as it helps them to understand their feelings. Mainstream transgender activists strongly refute the theory of autogynephilia...i guess because it hugely politically awkward...but I seriously suggest you look into it and decide for yourself. There have been many men who have regretted making irreversible changes to their bodies under the premise they were truly 'born in the wrong body' who later destrantitioned and accepted they had autogynephilia....And that knowing that sooner would have saved them a lot of confusion and pain.
All the best to you xx

Elliemon, I believe you are right and there are statistics to support your idea. A large number of MTFs are autogynephillic. I think this may be true for my son but, as parents, how do we figure this out? Right now, I'm scared to say anything to my son. Do you know if a gender specialist would cover this during an assessment? We are hesitant to bring our son to a specialist because we are unfamiliar with the process. As parents, we are eager to resolve this but, at the same time, know that the best approach may be to wait, as our son is only 15.

@Elliemon maybe you are right? I don't know. I'd rather think of that than the alternative.
@cedar789 I have no clue either. We are also holding off doing anything.

He can't get to the GP for us by public transportation.
I'd send him to a councillor but I'm scared he will convince them. He's very articulate and very bright. He will have learned all the terms on the web.

My DS will be 18 in a year. He thinks he's going to University as a girl. It's stomach churning.

I still think he's wrong. I think I'd have had a clue before now.
Other than his long blond hair he's still dressing as normal. He has women's underwear that he bought in Asda! That appears in the laundry now. I wash it and put it in his basket without comments.

I want him to be happy. I'm not convinced that this is the answer.

StarfishSunrise

I hope you realise this thread is 16 months old yet only had 120 posts. From time to time, TRAs have come here to plant the idea, quietly and without debate, that any kid who questions their sexuality or the gender roles imposed on them, must be trans and must be complied with, or else they'll kill themselves.

See the posts of:
Timeforanamochango
Jabbewocky
m1randa1
comingintomyown
vickyjgo

All designed to say, don't question this, your child may kill themselves, so just go with it.

You are being gamed. It's almost a recruitment campaign. Your DS might just well be a gay man, or a straight man with a 'thing' for ladies' underwear, but we're so squeamish at admitting either of those two things (neither of which is anything to be ashamed of at all, except in squeamish provincial lace-curtain England) that we'd sooner accept TRA arguments he must really be a girl trapped in a boy's body - and indeed we'd sooner die - before we accept our sons might be decent young men who happen to like lacy knickers.

Adropofreality I had thought of starting a new thread to keep people up to date but there isn't much new to say. I have had quite a few PMs because of this thread from other parents in similar situations.

I'm aware that a few people are spouting trans propaganda here but I think you will find I have mostly rebuffed it. "Mostly bollocks" was my considered reaction.

I love my SON I don't think he's a girl. Once he gets to 18 if he's determined to chop his body I can't do much.
I blame his addiction to the internet. I feel powerless to control that.

I'm not going to support him in this transgender idiocy but I am going to love him to my last breath.

Thinking of you, starfishsunrise.

My son is 15 and is diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum. He has always been very interested in computers, IT and gaming in general. He's always been a proper boy with standard interests in xars, guns and masculine type role play. He is now standing at nearly six foot with size 10 feet and broad shoulders, though he has no interest in any form of sport. He has never really had many friends, a few during primary school and none during secondary school. He is very much a loner due to his social interaction limitations. About three or four months ago, he came to me out of the blue and declared "I think I'm transgender". Whilst it took me aback, I wanted to be the good guy and be supportive, like they would in the movies. He went to bed calm, whereas I did not sleep all night. The next night, my wife and I sat down and discussed things further with him. By this time, I had had time to think and also do some research. My next discussion with him was far more honest and direct. I told him in no uncertain terms that he would be making a mistake in pursuing the avenue of wanting to change gender. His stature, his persona, his mannerisms, his features all scream male. There were / are no indications that he would be anything but male. We queried whether he was gay or straight and he said he is neither. Preferring to say he's asexual. This has confused us even more. Why would someone who has no sexual orientation want to change their body? I've explained to him that if he thought he had social interaction problems now, he hasn't seen anything yet. A lifetime of pain awaits him if he plans on being a 6 foot plus woman with male mannersims, features and outlook. I want to be supportive, but I cannot get my head around it. I keep blaming modern society for blurring the lines of what is now acceptable. I'm no dinosaur at 39 years old. I just wanted to share my story as it seems very similar to yours.

It's a bit cult like - and our vulnerable autistic children, who are already facing a tough life ahead of them, are being drawn in as a "neat" explanation as to why they feel they don't fit in. And being told that the reason it doesn't solve their problems is other people's phobic attitudes to transgender people.

But it is attitudes to and understanding of our autistic children which needs to be fixed, not their healthy bodies with cross sex hormones, unnecessary surgery and likely sterilisation. Why can't the rest of the world see this for what it is - a deeply regressive, homophobic, ableist and pretty sinister movement which is targeting our children.