My 15 year old son says he is transgender- I don't believe him.

[starfishsunrise]

Hi

Name changed here.

A few months ago my son (15) was in an intense relationship with his first girlfriend. One day I got an accidental email from an account with a girls first name but the girlfriends surname. I assumed it was a relative of the girlfriend but no...my son used the opportunity to tell me it was his other identity and he wanted to be a girl.
We chatted for a bit and I told him I loved him but hoped it was a phase. He didn’t want to tell anyone else. The only ‘sign’ was he started to grow his hair. Everything carried on as normal. He never wanted to chat about it, didn’t want a GP appointment etc.
The girlfriend has since broken up with him. I was hopeful he could move on
Yesterday he left a letter for us all to read to say he wants to be a girl. My husband and older son have read it. We are ok about it. One of the phrases he used was he was jealous of female bodies.

But here is my issue. I just don’t think he is transgender. In the gap between him telling only me and telling everyone in the family I have read a lot. Nothing I have read about anyone else’s experiences seem remotely similar. He has no mental health issues, ( reading shows me depression or autism etc can feature in gender issues). Seems happy enough but quite private, lots of time on his computer.
My son has never shown any interest in anything traditionally female. He’s not a butch boy by any means, hates sport but then my husband is not a traditional character. No football or beer here! We could be seen as hippies by some. My son likes more traditional male things - machines, computers
( I totally know all things are for both sexes, I’m making generalisations for speed)
He still stands up to pee! I had found some girls underwear in his drawer. I assumed it was the girlfriends.
He also goes to an all boys school. He is in Year 11. His friends are boys and they play video games, watch films, eat pizza. The 6th form is mixed and non uniform. Changing schools not an option as the other girls school does not offer the engineering subjects he is determined to take.
There is a bit of phase in the girls school of transgender. He is friends with a few.

So that’s my brief outline. I wish I had been able to go ‘ oh, it all makes sense now’
I love him, I don’t mind if he’s gay or straight ( he said he still likes girls) I want him to be happy. But how could he hide all these feelings? Wouldn’t we all have had some sort of clue?

Cards on table : I don’t want him to change gender. Be gay, be straight, wear flamboyant clothes but don’t mess with your hormones or chop your body up.

[m1randa1]

My daughter displayed no signs. I was shocked. At first we thought it was a phase. She feels she has to dress more like a boy at home because that is what people expect - know her as- but at uni she can dress and feel more like herself and is much happier.

[starfishsunrise]

What do her Uni friends know and think?
What problems has she encountered in the wider world?

What do you see as her future?

[worriedbuthopeful2]

Thank you for all you've posted. It's always nice to find I'm not alone. My 19 yo son told us he is transgender about 8 months ago and I don't believe him either. Since then, he has been growing his hair and discreetly wearing women's underwear, but that's all. Initially, he told us he is bisexual. Ok. That was quickly followed by "I was supposed to be born female". Here's what I think is going on. He's always been a quiet serious kid, very introverted. His last year of school, he spiralled down with depression, anxiety about what would come next, and worry he didn't know what he would do with his life. In hindsight, we shouldn't have "given him time" to mature over the past year, been easy on him, letting him spend his days on the computer, not looking for a job, or making plans for college. I think what he was actually doing was looking online for someone to tell him why he felt lost. I think he found people, whether well-intentioned or not, who led him to believe all his worries, anxieties would disappear if he was the opposite sex and possibly, that he would feel better about being bisexual. He has been seeing a therapist who specializes in gender issues who, while being very supportive of what my son wants to talk about, tells me there are no valid signs he sees that he is transgender. My husband and I decided to take the stance of not bringing it up to our son, telling him we love him and want him to have a happy life, but not going out of our way to move a transition process along. My son doesn't talk about being transgender, he also doesn't shower/shave/brush his teeth/make any effort to look good (male OR female). He hasn't told his sister, who I think would quite obviously be supportive of him transitioning, so we haven't either. He has told a few school friends, but no one else. I finally forced him to find a job and register for one college class, in a subject he loves. He is much happier since he started these two things, much more confident. He has made a longtime friend his boyfriend and seems happy with that. My fingers are crossed that he'll come to his own conclusion that he is OK being who he was born as.

[starfishsunrise]

@worriedbuthopeful2 This sounds similar to my experience. Thanks so much for sharing.
I wondered if it was just us.
Nothing feminine about my boy growing up, not especially butch but neither is his Dad.

My son is in 6th form. I suspect if things are going to change it will be when he leaves for university and he leaves our tiny town. Hopefully there people will be accepting but maybe he will grow out of it. ( this is my hope).
I don't mind if he's gay or straight or if he dresses in an unconventional way but he can't say he's female because that's impossible.
Whatever he is I want him happy and safe.

[m1randa1]

It hasn't been easy to accept. She suffers abuse from drunken people in the street and has been spat at. However, she is happy and in a very strong relationship (since she transitioned). It is not easy, but the hardest part is to be accepted by family and friends and be able to be who she wants to be, rather than hide it. It is not a choice any person would make if it were a choice. Please don't tell your child it is a phase. If it is, it will disappear. But who would choose to change sex? It certainly doesn't make life easier for anyone. Our daughter is computer games obsessed. She was never feminine at all. She didn't have a lot of friends at school - she was never really into sport or watching football or doing things that her male friends did. When I asked her why she didn't act more femininely when she was growing up or take an interest in womenswear then, she said that it was because the manliness she saw in the mirror disgusted her. It just made her depressed. Now she is on hormone therapy and is more determined than ever to continue on this path. She is a student. She chooses friends who accept her. She will never come to live back home, where some of h
er old friends find the concept a bit of a joke.

[Starkstaring]

m1randa,

Do you not think there is a bit of a bubble at uni. Most kids are kind and accepting, and frankly don't think twice about pronouns and who wears what. That's a good thing.
Do you worry that your daughter hasn't really fully matured yet (frontal cortex finishes developing at around 25), so could regret irreversible changes (I mean medical interventions) further down the line?
I have a young adult trans child too - name changes, appearance, passport etc - none of those are irreversible. - but I would far rather any medical changes were decided on once the brain has finished maturing.

[m1randa1]

She is an adult now and will make her own choices. She has no doubt that she wants to go ahead with surgery. The hormones are reversible. But to be honest, I really don't think she will change her mind. Also, she knows quite a few other people in the transgender community and says that none have ever had any regrets whatsoever. Whatever I used to think has now changed. I no longer live in hope that it is a phase. I just give her the support she needs and accept her as she is. She is very capable of expressing her views and feelings and it really doesn't seem like a temporary phase. It isn't necessarily best to express reservations and doubts when it is their solo journey that we can't possibly understand. My husband buried his head in the sand for the first few months and refused to discuss it. He then realised he had a choice to make. Accept her as she is or lose her.

[Aquilla]

Avoid Eddie Izz =toxic imo!

[spannablue]

Congratulations on being a listening, accepting parent, m1randa1 xxx

[Mixx]

" Changing schools not an option as the other girls school does not offer the engineering subjects he is determined to take.
There is a bit of phase in the girls school of transgender. He is friends with a few."

Well, you are forcing him to have a sexist environment at an All Boys School where his seemingly meek interactions with masculine females are from his failed relationship where he needs to relate.

Sadly, he ain't a bro you can just take to the pub and pick up another chick. Take him out of the school, put him in public with mixed interactions that aren't peer-pressure. Experience from mixed social atmospheres, especially new ones, will help him grow into a well rounded person.

[yawning801]

Instead of telling them it's a phase, why don't you assure them that if it is a phase, it's OK? And I know it's hard but I'm sure they'd be so much happier to discuss it with you if you tried to address them how they wanted. I'm not trying to be goady, it's just my opinion

[HollowTalk]

The first thing I would do if my child said that would be to cut off the internet. I know it wouldn't stop them using it at school, but I would do whatever I could to stop them going down a trans wormhole for hours on end at home.

[Starkstaring]

Elizabeth - you are spot on with the fact that teenagers/ adults are taken at their word. Nobody is challenging them - parents are told the only way to minimise harm is to listen and accept; siblings shrug and carry on with new pronouns; schools and universities affirm and applaud; clinicians risk bing challenged for using conversion therapy. Then a teenager or young adult embarks on irreversible medical interventions which have frankly minimal evidence of being effective and unknown long term health implications with nobody to say "is this really a good idea for your long term wellbeing?"

It's an utterly crap, f**ciked up situation all round.

[Strugglingmumanddad]

Hi all
I'm new to mumsnet but am at a complete loss as to what to do with our 13 year old son who has autism and is now saying he is transgender. We have taken his phone away from him as we had concerns about grooming from a year 11 boy at his school. Unfortunately it looks as though he is being heavily influenced by this other boy. He is at a special school for his autism but was main stream up until a year ago and we never had any issues like this before then. Also like others feel the Internet a very scary influential black hole. Don't think we have an option but to cut the Internet off.

[Racecardriver]

Wanting to be a girl or being envious of female bodies isn’t the same a being girl. I’m sure as that he gets used to this new found truth he’ll appreciate the distinction and stop and whatever line marks his discomfort. Just being nonchalant and supportive as you are now, you don’t want to give him something to revel against.

[Italiangreyhound]

OP I just want to wish you and all other parents well.

Someone close to me is going through this and it is tough.

Best wishes to all. And to all our fabulous children. We love them, and sometimes it is hard to know what to do.

[Oblomov18]

I hope it is just a phase for him.

Ds1 informs me that that in his year (its a reasonably big school - 1500 students, 6 feeder schools, so 360 per year roughly) that there are many gay, lesbian, a few trans, a few who can't identify etc.

All sounds quite normal.

[Oblomov18]

It's all the rage atm. Hopefully al this trans stuff will calm down soon. At least a bit.

It makes me sad. Because fundamentally, being trans, is someone who wants something they cant have. That's sad.

[ShineOnHarvestMoon]

One of the phrases he used was he was jealous of female bodies

That might be worth exploring. At one extreme, this is a condition of autogynephilia. But it could be that he is very confused about de uality and sex (the activity not the biological reality, iyswim).

It could be that he’s gay, and imagining himself in the”receptive” role in sexual activity - the penetrate rather than he penetrator etc etc.

It’s sad that certain models of masculinity are so dominant that young men and boys feel they need to “ change sex” (of course, that’s impossible) in order to escape becoming a man.

[Italiangreyhound]

Elizabeth71
"I am posting this to hopefully encourage parents who are feeling how I felt. ...Hope this helps someone."

It really does, thank you.