My 15 year old son says he is transgender- I don't believe him.

[starfishsunrise]

Hi

Name changed here.

A few months ago my son (15) was in an intense relationship with his first girlfriend. One day I got an accidental email from an account with a girls first name but the girlfriends surname. I assumed it was a relative of the girlfriend but no...my son used the opportunity to tell me it was his other identity and he wanted to be a girl.
We chatted for a bit and I told him I loved him but hoped it was a phase. He didn’t want to tell anyone else. The only ‘sign’ was he started to grow his hair. Everything carried on as normal. He never wanted to chat about it, didn’t want a GP appointment etc.
The girlfriend has since broken up with him. I was hopeful he could move on
Yesterday he left a letter for us all to read to say he wants to be a girl. My husband and older son have read it. We are ok about it. One of the phrases he used was he was jealous of female bodies.

But here is my issue. I just don’t think he is transgender. In the gap between him telling only me and telling everyone in the family I have read a lot. Nothing I have read about anyone else’s experiences seem remotely similar. He has no mental health issues, ( reading shows me depression or autism etc can feature in gender issues). Seems happy enough but quite private, lots of time on his computer.
My son has never shown any interest in anything traditionally female. He’s not a butch boy by any means, hates sport but then my husband is not a traditional character. No football or beer here! We could be seen as hippies by some. My son likes more traditional male things - machines, computers
( I totally know all things are for both sexes, I’m making generalisations for speed)
He still stands up to pee! I had found some girls underwear in his drawer. I assumed it was the girlfriends.
He also goes to an all boys school. He is in Year 11. His friends are boys and they play video games, watch films, eat pizza. The 6th form is mixed and non uniform. Changing schools not an option as the other girls school does not offer the engineering subjects he is determined to take.
There is a bit of phase in the girls school of transgender. He is friends with a few.

So that’s my brief outline. I wish I had been able to go ‘ oh, it all makes sense now’
I love him, I don’t mind if he’s gay or straight ( he said he still likes girls) I want him to be happy. But how could he hide all these feelings? Wouldn’t we all have had some sort of clue?

Cards on table : I don’t want him to change gender. Be gay, be straight, wear flamboyant clothes but don’t mess with your hormones or chop your body up.

[AlaY]

Talk and support

[AlaY]

❤️

[AlaY]

It’s dysphoria. Didn’t realise Mumsnet was the online version of Stepford wives. Expect to get thrown out soon

[Feminist4]

it sound like my own transdaughter. Please don’t dismiss their feelings and please don’t insist on using male pronouns. It’s such a hard thing to tell your parents that you are trans. Nobody would do it if they weren’t genuinely feeling they had been born in the wrong body. So many young transpeople are estranged from their families who refused to support them. Supporting does not mean you are helping them to make what you believe is a bad decision, but realising that denying their feelings is going to make them feel alone and alienated from their family. We didn’t see it coming when we were told 10 years ago. We thought it was a phase, we were wrong.

[Sally773]

Hi first time posting.

my 20 Yo son told us he was bi in January 2022, completely out of the blue. Then on Christmas Eve 2022 he said he’s transgender, and feels more like a girl.
The gay thing was a shock, no inkling at all. The trans thing, well I’ve no words.
No signs during childhood, not a rough and tumble boy but a loving little boy, liked to make ppl laugh but no female preferences. He’s said he’s been depressed for a long time (doesn’t resonate- I know depressed, our daughter had an eating disorder (recovered) coupled with depression fueled by bullying), my daughter who’s close to him doesn’t feel he is gay or trans either (she has multiple friends who are either or both).
Im feeling quite isolated, can’t accept my son is making the right choices.

[SamphirethePogoingStickerist]

Bugger. Zombie thread!

I hope PPs start a new thread about their specific circumstances, if that would help.

[SamphirethePogoingStickerist]

@SoapAndGloryAddict

Why would it concern you? I know how hard it is to have people use the wrong pronouns. (No, I'm not trans myself) so if Ops child said 'I want to be female' I will address them as so out of respect.

If the decision comes about that it's no longer the causenits so easy to revert back. So why not just be supportive from the get go.

Because by accepting without question you, and the young trans person lose the ability to question. The moment is lost and may never be regained.

Have a read of any of the Desister stories, you will see how much this locked them into 'being trans'

[Feminist4]

A parent who deliberately uses the wrong pronouns will not be considered supportive.

[Alienlikeyou]

Hi, I know this was 5 years ago now....but it literally could of been written by me about my child today.
Would love to hear what is happening now with your child so I can be prepared for the next 5 years.
My child is 17, told us last year that he was transgender and we just gave space to talk when they needed to everything going at their own pace etc.
Like starfish, this was not on our radar...our child chose gender appropriate clothes, has always navigated towards male friendship groups, video games, Sci fi interests etc
Might be worth mentioning that our child is also physically disabled, a* student but needs support with all physical needs and again since age 10 has preferred male carers for personal care.
On one side I think he just wants to be different in a way he chooses rather than for a disability he was born with.
I think the school he went to had a lot of "clean cut" kids (who were lovely btw) and he just hasn't met "his people" yet.
Tbh my elder son at 16/17 was dressing very flamboyant asking for dance classes/drama classes etc so if he had come home and said I'm gay/bi/trans etc then it probably would have been a light bulb moment (and actually we discussed it a few times, half expecting it) but then he started playing guitar and said he was a musician and that was our light bulb moment.
As the other parent said, the flamboyant dressing/pronouns/different names etc aren't the issue...but they are now going head on towards wanting hormones. And on top of all the "what are the long term effects if its just a phase" conversations....this will literally be signing a death warrant on how it will effect his disability as it will affect muscle mass and therefore breathing.
I know most people wouldn't know about the disability side of things but how do I support and is this a definite decision.

[Nard75]

@Precessions so sorry to hear about your loss my thoughts are with you and your family at this heartbreaking time 🙏🏽

[RufustheFloralmissingreindeer]

The smallest of condolences for you is that you supported and loved him, you tried to help and he knew that

[RufustheFloralmissingreindeer]

I am so very sorry precessions

💐

[Precessions]

Despite our support of his choice and our efforts to understsnd him, we could not help him. He committed suicide, leaving a piece of paper that said he could not wait for the changes and the effect of HRT. He just opened to us a few months ago. It seems that he has hidden it without giving any indication and even pretending to the contrary. My heart is burning.

[nightwakingmoon]

This is an old thread @Feminist4 @robin5810

[Feminist4]

It is a difficult and brave thing for her to have done. Don’t take it lightly. Your child probably has spent a long time getting the courage to talk to you about it. I recommend you change pronouns. Misgendering is wounding and hurtful and suggests you don’t recognise what they are going through. I say this as the parent of a transdaughter - I can look back now - years after she first told me and recognise the mistakes I made not believing her when she said she had been born in the wrong body.

[robin5810]

PLEASE, please, please support your child. I told my parent I was nonbinary when I was 12, and they took me seriously. I didn’t grow out of it because it wasn’t a phase. If they hadn’t taken me seriously it would’ve broken me and made me lose all my trust in them. If you want to have a positive relationship with your child, believe them, support them, and love them whatever their name, gender, or pronouns are.

[Feminist4]

Please believe your child. Our daughter told us she was trans around 7 years ago. She has always hated sport and been into computers. She sounds very similar to your child. It has not been a phase - and your child needs all the support she can get in a hostile world.

[2bazookas]

Sounds to me as if your family and your son are handling it beautifully. Just hold your nerve and wait and see.

[Oblomov22]

Sorry, old thread. Didn't see that.

[Oblomov22]

OP you did say he doesn't really talk much, About his emotions. You chat a lot and show interest in his schooling, life, happiness.

I wonder if you told him that you wanted to talk to him about it more and would he entertain that idea at a planned time?

It would be very interesting if he was actually able to verbalise how he feels and what his emotions are.
What does he think being female IS? It is a very interesting conversation because even within the trans community even the prime minister can't come up with a decent description.

What's so great about being female? (On mn we are predominately female) when you think about it haven't got that much going for it! We've got feminism as an issue, we are not always but often the weaker sex, we have smaller lungs, we can't compete with men in sport, We don't get the top CEO jobs or in stem.

If he is very male looking, has he really really thought through what life will be like for him when he attempts to look like a female? Does he have large feet? would he be able to convince anyone he was a female eventually once he had dressed up and grown his hair etc. is that what he wants?

What is it that he's actually trying to achieve here? Because the very sad thing about wanting to change sex and I don't mean gender I mean sex is that you can't actually do it. so the sad thing about being trans is that you want something that you can't have. as sir Robert Winston says you can't change sex. so has he actually appreciated the enormity of this and what a major problem this actually is?

[Mummacx]

Hi I'm in the same boat here
My 15years old son told me 3 days ago he wants to be a girl. This shock me as there were no signs at all.
his nearly 6ft tall and often gets mistaken to be alot older his into his football and plays for the local team his very laddish has a beard always walks about in just shorts no t-shirt. When he told me we spoke a little I was open and honest with him I told him I support him no matter what. I also ask questions when did he start feeling like this. He couldn't answer says he don't know. I asked does he want to wear girl clothes have long hair ect ect. His reply was I don't care about clothes or that stuff. I asked about his sports and his reply was I don't want to change who I am but do it being a girl. I asked him if I tock away his penis and gave him a vaginaand breast would he be happy to that he replyed yes. But all other questions I asked his reply was I don't know.
His become very close to a girl at school and apparently she's very supportive of him. It's prob the mum in me and wanting to keep my son the way he is but I can't help thinking that his trying to be something else to impress this girl. I'm struggling and do t know what's is best for my son. Of course I'll support any decision he makes and he knows this

[JustanOzMum]

I hope you still see this message, it’s a few years on now.
What happened with your son’s journey? I am in EXACTLY the same boat now. Mine is just 17. Felt like I was reading our story.

[TanY72]

so what is the situation now? my 17, soon to be 18, just came out to me as a trans...

[archery2]

@starfishsunrise have you heard of Bayswater Support? It's a group for parents whose kids identify as trans, typically in adolescence. It's UK based and they have about 300 families in the group, and do in-person events, webinars and have a v lively online forum. It's been helpful to me and many others to be able to know we're not going crazy and to meet ordinary families with v similar experiences.

//www.bayswatersupport.org.uk

[Imasoulman]

@Oblomov21

"because you can indeed have what you need."

Thank you for responding. What do you mean "what you need"? You can't get what you want. If you want to be a girl, but you a boy, then you can't be a girl. It's not possible. Do you can't have what you want?

Well if you are genuinely trans then you would " need" to transition to what ever level you are comfortable with living your life.

It's not really a "want".

I want a bar of choclate but I can live happily without one.